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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my sister BU not letting niece go on holiday

158 replies

Bonfire · 21/02/2011 00:06

My niece is 9 nearly 10. Two years ago I asked my sister if I could take her skiing to Italy, I was just told no.

Which was OK but that summer sister allowed her friend (she has a daughter same age) to take her for a week on holiday, this was to Wales.

Last year sister's friend again took my niece to Cornwell this time. Friend was called back to work during holiday and my niece was left with friend's parents.

I wanted to take my niece skiing again this year this time to Austria, I was willing to go half term, but I was told she is too young.

I am self employed with flexible hours so whenever my sister or her husband is not available I pick her up from school (this happens at least once every two weeks and always last minute), look after her and their 3 year old over school holidays, baby sit them when they want to go out.

I looked after the younger one for over a year as they could not get a nursery place, then working late into the night and weekends to then get my work done.

They let her go horse riding so it is not as if they do not want her taking part in dangerous sport (skiing is not that dangerous anyway), although when I wanted to take her horse riding I was told no.

I now hear she s being allowed to go away camping with Brownies.

Views please.

I am 25 and single.

OP posts:
lazylula · 21/02/2011 09:06

I would say that the being abroad and doing a risky activity is probably why. You say you can get to Austria quicker than Cornwall, but with Cornwall if they are needed they jump straight in a car and are on there way, with Austria they are dependant on when they can get a flight so may be sat around waiting for a couple of frustrating and worrying hours. If you are desperate to take your neice on holiday, maybe cosider a long weekend in this country first, going abroad makes a huge difference for a parent.

littlebrownmouse · 21/02/2011 09:11

There's no way on earth that i would let my sister, who looks after my kids, has them over night etc take them abroad ski-ing! She is similar to you in that she has no children of her own and to be honest, I can't put my finger on a reason but the answer would be no. I'd consider letting them go in this country with their friend and parent, but ski-ing, abroad, with childless person on their own- no way!
I feel I need to add that I'm not the sort who struggles to leave their kids, they'll both do cub/ brownie camps, school hols etc but we don't do abroad ourselves and it's a huge deal for me compared with a week away in this country.

QuintessentialShadows · 21/02/2011 09:15

What I dont understand is WHY you would take a 7 year old with you on a skiing holiday!?

Dont get me wrong, we are a skiing family, we live next to the ski lifts, we are booked to go to another much bigger resort for half term. Both my 8 (9 in april) and my 5 ( 6 in june)year old has skied for 3 seaons now. (well, the 5 year old started at the end of the season when we bought him skis half price in the sales) We do both downhill and cross country, even snowboarding, so cover just about every arena aside from flying off a tall ski jump).

The very fact that you DO, tells me that you have not fully thought it through. The logistics of children and skiing holidays. Your needs, the childs needs, what happens out of ski school, if there even is one available. Would you be teaching her, or would you be on different slopes, what if the child gets injured when you are not present, what if YOU gets injured? (It can happen, my dhs best mate broke his leg on the slopes behind our house) There is nothing in your posts that tells me you have thought this through properly.

pjmama · 21/02/2011 09:16

"I do not understand why abroad makes a difference"

That's because you are not a mother. In your sister's position I would be saying no too. It's very kind of you to offer, but you have to accept that they're just not comfortable with being in a diffent country to their child.

solooovely · 21/02/2011 09:17

I think you also need to stop thinking about your neice like she is some little possession that you can take here, there, everywhere with you.

squeakytoy · 21/02/2011 09:20

Perhaps you sister is also worried in case YOU have an accident, because who would be able to look after her daughter then.

I wouldnt have a problem with my child going abroad on a holiday with a family and other children, but going skiing with only one adult seems a bit.. I dunno.. its the skiing issue that would concern me.

littlebrownmouse · 21/02/2011 09:24

Child is very young too. You first asked two years ago, presumably when she was 7. I just can't understand how you think your sister is being unreasonable to not want her 7 year old to go abroad with her child free aunt and to be honest, the fact that you are suggesting it makes me think that you haven't really got an understanding of the logistics/difficulties of this for you, your niece and your sister. There's also the issue of the other child. How old are they? Would they be offered the same opportunity by you when they're old enough?

solooovely · 21/02/2011 12:16

Also maybe they want her first holiday abroad to be with them (if they haven't already) and the first skiing holiday etc.

Original poster
Bonfire · 21/02/2011 12:19

Hi thank you for your replies,

I have asked she says she is to young.

reason I want to take a 9 year old (nearly 10) skiing is because I want to give her an experience. They go off on summer holidays to Florida and Canary Islands and so on. I have been skiing with friends this year, this time going on my own, so why not take me niece? And of course I thought it through, I realize I won't be able to go off tearing down the mountains, I realize i would need to arrange other activities, computer games and so on, because I do not have a child of my own does not mean I do not understand her needs, after all I have been looking after her and her sister for years. There is such a thing called a phone also.

Sister was ten when we went on holiday to family abroad on our own, i was six.

Friend who works a stewardess says it is common for very young children to travel on their own

I often see school and other groups of her age going off skiing at the airport.

I would never leave my child with friend's parents!

I wonder the next time she rings up stuck at work or in traffic desperate to have her daughter picked up from school or looked after during Easter I should be saying no, can't be trusted.

OP posts:
Sarsaparilllla · 21/02/2011 12:22

I think if your sister thinks she's too young for skiiing that's fair enough, can't you take her somewhere else in the UK on holiday instead?

I think you're being a little bit daft to throw this back at her saying you wouldn't pick her up because you 'can't be trusted' Wink

You asked, she said no, do something else instead, simples

Original poster
Bonfire · 21/02/2011 12:25

solooovely explain, how am I treating her as a possession.

OP posts:
TheArmadillo · 21/02/2011 12:26

wow you really are not listening to any of the replies are you

QuintessentialShadows · 21/02/2011 12:27

So, because you are doing your sister a favour and pick up her child from school, sister should do you a favour and let her 9 year old daughter accompany you skiing? And because she wont, you will no longer provide emergency childcare?

Hmm
QuintessentialShadows · 21/02/2011 12:28

By your latest post, I am not surprised she is saying no.

Gubbins · 21/02/2011 12:29

It's not about not being trusted. It's not about what other children do, or what you yourself did as a child. It's about your sister not wanting her child to be in a different country to her.

Actually, maybe it is about what you did as children. Did your sister enjoy going abroad without her parents at age 10? Maybe she doesn't want to let her daughter go precisely because that is what her parents did to her.

Tolalola · 21/02/2011 12:44

YABU, because you're not giving your sis the freedom to say NO to you without getting into family arguments and recriminations.

YANBU to want to take your neice skiing. It sounds lovely! I went skiing alone with my grnadmother when I was 9, and we went 6 timezones away from home. It was brilliant and I still remember it well.

However that was me, and all children and parents are different. You really need to accept that your sister knows your neice best and should be allowed to make these decisions without causing a scrap. maybe her DH/P doesn't want your DN to go? Maybe there are other reasons.

Frankly, it's not up to you to decide what constitutes a valid reason for you sister to make her decision.

fedupofnamechanging · 21/02/2011 12:48

OP, in the end, you have to remember that as much as you love your niece, she is not your child but your sisters. It is up to her parents to decide what they feel comfortable with and act accordingly.

I think you will be cutting off your nose to spite your face if you now refuse to help out with childcare. Your close relationship with your nieces and sister will be affected and you will end up regretting it.

This doesn't mean that your sister doesn't trust you, just that she will worry if her DD is in another country without her. Why would you want to make your sister worry all the time you are gone?

Whether you agree or not, whether your sister is logical or not, this is her decision and you have to accept it.

NinkyNonker · 21/02/2011 12:49

You're really not listening are you.

I wouldn't have thought it was that complicated.

LIZS · 21/02/2011 12:53

It is her prerogative as a parent to choose how she spends her holidays and who with with, or not. Accept this and move on before it causes unnecessary resentment (although by the sounds of it it may already be too late for that).

curlymama · 21/02/2011 12:59

Could it be something like your sister not wanting her dd to have such a fantastic experience with you instead of her? Like she wants to be the one to provide those types of holidays?

Or maybe that she doesn't want to spend the money on her dd having a holiday without her?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 21/02/2011 13:00

Why is it so hard to accept your sister's decision. The girl is her daughter, not yours and if she feels she is too young then conversation over. I can't see what's so complicated about that.

worraliberty · 21/02/2011 13:05

I wouldn't want a child of mine learning to ski without me.

why don't you take her on a more suitable holiday? How about eurodisney or somewhere for a few days. would her mum allow that?

blowninonabreeze · 21/02/2011 13:14

Does your sister ski?

My eldest would love to go skiing. We feel that here sister (nearly 3) is a little too young for us to all go as a family yet. (DH and I have a long weekend most seasons without the children - my mum has them)

My mum skies and would love to take DD1 with her, she's pondered aloud about it in the past to me. I explained that whilst I'd always be happy for mum to take them away, Skiing is not something I'd allow, quite simply because we want to be with DD when she learns to ski. we want to see her do that first snowplough etc.

Thankfully mum understands completely, Could it be something like that with your sister?

Original poster
Bonfire · 21/02/2011 13:52

I am not making a big issue of it with my sister, I asked once two years ago asked again this year, I won't ask again, so hardly keep asking; but it is a big issue with me,

I am not offering to take niece anywhere else because i am going skiing and that is the opportunity I offering my niece.

Maybe I do not understand because I do not have children, however if I would I am sure I would worry but given the chance I am sure I wouldn't say no as I would want her to have the experience. It strikes me as a selfish! While minor ski accidents happen sometimes major ones are not common. It is like saying she is worried the coach will crash on the way to the resort, which is a possibility but an irrational fear.

Cost to my sister would be minimal as I pay for the holiday.

No my sister does not ski, her idea of a holiday is Disney World or sat on a beach.

Yes my sister love her holiday on our own

Now I do not sit in a rocking chair all day looking out of the window waiting for sis to ring. I need to drop everything and get in my car and drive across town and bring her back, feed her and look after her, then continue with work

Holiday My nieces arrive at 8.30, leave at anything between 3.00 an 6.30, then I can start work I will work through until 2 or 3 am, I will need to work weekends too to catch up.

And I look after them when they are ill too, get a phone call at 8 am niece is not feeling well.

Then I get told oh she is to young to go on holiday with you.

OP posts:
GwendolineMaryLacey · 21/02/2011 13:57

You still don't get it do you? Unbelievable...

What you do with your niece when she is a few miles away from her mother has nothing to do with taking her out of the country, no relevance whatsoever. Nearly everyone on this thread has said they would say the same as your sister. What does that tell you?

Who is the selfish one?

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