bulling on mumsnet.

[threefeethighandrising]

Yes, this is a thread about a thread. Or lots of threads in fact. So shoot me.

I'm shocked saddened by the level of bullying that goes on, particularly in AIBU.

I'm not complaining about people speaking their minds. One of the things I love about mumsnet is frank exchanges, that people can say what they want.

What worries me is a nasty group mentality - people ganging up on a poster - usually a new one - and picking apart their story and being absolutely, unforgivably nasty to them.

We teach our DCs to stand up to bullies. Well, how do we stand up to these ones?

I've recommended mumsnet to many people over the years, as a place you can find fantastic support, frank and honest opinions. Those kinds of threads make me question whether this is a place I should be inviting any one other than those with a very think skin. Which is a real shame IMO.

I'm not really asking AIBU. I am asking how we can stand up to bullies on mumsnet. I've posted it here because it happens here a lot.

I haven't read the other thread - I've just had a scan and it looks to me like some people did step over the line, but they were picked up by other posters (rightly).

The other answer of course is to report the whole thread to Mumsnet HQ.

I do agree I have seen instances of bullying on Mumsnet - intentional but mainly unintentional - people pissed on a Friday night having a laugh at the expense of a person they think is a troll, and not considering that there may be a vulnerable person behind the screen.

But I also think that your comment in the OP that it "happens a lot" is way out of line. In a forum of - what - 10,000 new threads a week maybe? For one or two of them to go sour on a Friday night is not that bad.

Glaring inconsistencies is one thing. But the aggressive sheep (if you don;t like the word bully) take it to an extreme and question perfectly normal things. This is one of the things that annoys me most actually. It reminds me of a particularly nasty bully from my school. I remember a new girl started and she chose one brown bread and one white bread at lunch. The bully told all the other girls "don't have one white and one brown or else you'll be like Claire. Poor girl. Nothing she could do was right. Do you see the parallel?

So, for example in the teacher thread she was met with incredulity for saying that she had to go 2 streets for food in London (perfectly plausible!) and that the local cafe wasn't accessible for her because of her health needs (apparently because a law has been passed making cafes and shops accessible, they must all be by now. Sadly, not true).

I can't see any bullying on either of those threads. I see people who are pissed off trying to get a response from an OP who is ignoring all their questions and expecting people to agree with them whilst being mind readers, but no bullying. Think you need to rethink your definition of it.

I have tried to read the thread but lost the will to live.

But starting a thread in AIBU about wanting to get someone fired is always going to go to shit.

on the politics section there's a 2 pronged defence of everything daily mail, tory and a 2 pronged attack on all things guardian, progressive in the form of 2 posters (who could be one and the same) who're guaranteed to butt in every single time those are brought up and can be aggressive in their defence/attack but it smacks more of insecurity to me as they know not what they say being deluded right wingers. (now i'll be accused of bullying!).

i'm a relatively new poster and have sensed a definate proprietorial vibe as if MN belongs to certain habitueés and uppity newbies must first tread carefully and not say anything too incisive.

I agree some of the remarks were a bit stupid - but they weren't really bullying and they weren't really about inconsistencies.

People were trying to make the OP accept that she'd had some responsibility for the whole outcome.

It seemed like every time people tried to say the incident was the fault of the teacher and the parent, the OP had a cast iron reason why it was totally not her fault, and sorry but that did start to sound a little improbable.

If she'd just said at the outset "yes - hands up - I should have been there. It was stupid to drive off without a plan for how to get back on time, but I still think the teacher shouldn't have left my DD" then I think people would have given her an easier ride.

It was the fact that she was (initially) completely unable to accept that her own actions were part of the issue, but so ready to pass the buck to the teacher that riled people. I think most of the responses were really based on that - people trying to say "really? Do you really accept no part in this at all?"

I've had a bash at the other thread but I didn't see any bullying there either.

It did look like a few people had got a bit fast and loose with the cooking sherry, and there were one or two quite frankly embarrassing arse-lickers, but plenty of people in the support of the OP (who gave as good as she got from what I can see)

Right. Someone says they've been sexually assaulted and you say you don't believe them. Great stuff

Unless you're 100% sure they're a troll, and I really don't think you can be on that thread, then that's despicable behavior.

On the 'teacher' thread there were several posters being nasty, accusing the OP of lying and being inconsistent & drip feeding.

If you just read all of her posts you can see she was completely consistent and didn't drip feed - she really just answered questions as they came up. You can't put your entire life story in your OP and sometimes you don't even think about things other people will want to know.

People on that thread didn't read the facts clearly then accused the OP of lying/drip feeding. It's nasty & uncalled for.

I'm talking about the godparent thread btw

What group? Are we in huddles together round a computer screen? Are we in contact in other ways other than here? Er, no.

So, again, what group is this you are talking about?

"a bit fast and loose with the cooking sherry" to you - that's bullying to me.

Then I'm sorry but I think you are over sensitive.

I agree that there are some very sad people on MN who see the anonymity of it as an excuse to say things that they haven't got the balls to say on RL. They are probably the exact same women who were those type of girls at school who were nasty, vindictive and cursed with low self-esteem, so had to be vile to others to make themselves feel better.

I think you should be able to have a GROWN-UP discussion on MN, and as long as someone isn't being offensive (rascist, for eg), you don't have to resort to aggressive and excessively judgemental posts.

Just because the majority disagree with you doesn't mena you are being bullied - in fact it probably menas you are wrong.

Maybe I am hopelessly naive but do the cliques really exist?

I recognise some names and out of those names there are people who I know I tend to agree with and those I tend to disagree with. Occassionally if someone I "tend to agree with" expresses an outrageous view I will try to appreciate their POV rather more than if they were a completely random poster but I certainly don't agree/disagree with people just because of "who they are" and I haven't seen the same done by anyone else.

There are a few people who spend a worrying amount of time here, and constantly seem to get away with bullying, stalking, general petty snideness and outing namechangers.

I'm coming to the conclusion that it's not worth the aggro.

And of course people pile in, it happens all the time and they openly admit that they put a shout out on facebook or twitter when they get a taste of blood...

Pretty pathetic really.

It really upsets me when people post about painful personal situations and others pile in with aggression, trying to 'catch her out' and banging on about trolls. Since I 'live' on Relationships, these are often posters who're being badly bullied in real life. It is true that bullies love to pick on someone who's already being bullied

"If you can't stand the heat", "It's not really bullying" and "She asked for it" are all what BULLIES say.

YANBU. Although I wish you hadn't lefy the 'y' out of your thread title - I thought it was about bullshitting!

Big thumbs to backwardpossom - do NOT use AIBU with a question if you already think you know the answer - it's a bloody STUPID thing to do and will only end in tears!!!

Is the shout out on facebook thing real?

I don't mumsnet on fb or Twitter. I always assume that didn't really happen.

People don't really do that do they

"I wish you hadn't left the 'y' out of your thread title" yes, I am annoyed about that too!