bulling on mumsnet.

[threefeethighandrising]

Yes, this is a thread about a thread. Or lots of threads in fact. So shoot me.

I'm shocked saddened by the level of bullying that goes on, particularly in AIBU.

I'm not complaining about people speaking their minds. One of the things I love about mumsnet is frank exchanges, that people can say what they want.

What worries me is a nasty group mentality - people ganging up on a poster - usually a new one - and picking apart their story and being absolutely, unforgivably nasty to them.

We teach our DCs to stand up to bullies. Well, how do we stand up to these ones?

I've recommended mumsnet to many people over the years, as a place you can find fantastic support, frank and honest opinions. Those kinds of threads make me question whether this is a place I should be inviting any one other than those with a very think skin. Which is a real shame IMO.

I'm not really asking AIBU. I am asking how we can stand up to bullies on mumsnet. I've posted it here because it happens here a lot.

I imagine that a lot of the women who are very quick to gang up and react nastily to posters, are probably the kind of people who, in 'real life', are fairly meek and lacking confidence. It's a way for them to feel in control. I'm sure some are still as blunt as they are on here, but I doubt many of the posters would dare to speak to others as they do when the post on here.

Of course, their more pathetic real life persona doesn't justify this. I agree with threefeet and the OP that bullying is bullying, and simply because somebody 'asks for an opinion' on AIBU does not warrant a group of women suddenly developing a mob mentality and really get quite over the top and carried away.

I am confused by all the threads about bullying/bitching/arguing that is going on at the moment, surely you only need one?

I do agree with your sentiments though, I recommended to a friend in RL she came on put something in the wrong topic and left because it was far too bitchy!

It does piss me off sometimes but most of the time MN is invaluable to me.

I was on a thread last week where there was nothing sinister and no shit stirring OP but she still got torn apart when she sounded liek she desperately needed help. :(. That did annoy me. I'd rather give someone the nefit of the doubt.

There also seem to be certain posters who are more highly regarded than others amongst the 'clique' on here and if you dare cross their path you will never be forgiven. Tis all a bit childish really!!

The best thing to do is report any bad posting that you see and or stick up for whoever is getting it in the neck.

I don't think those with the 'if you can't stand the heat' argument are being very fair. Mumsnet is an invaluable tool for parents and you shouldn't have to be one of the in crowd to get sensible and supportive advice. The flipside of that is if you suspect trolling or attention seeking then report that too.

It is NOTHING like teens bullying each other on FB or Bebo. Ridiculous comparison to make.

This is not a social networking site. It is a forum. Users can name change and become completely anonymous if they wish. Most sensible posters already are anonymous. Very few of us reveal our real identities here.

If you feel bullied or victimised, it really IS quite easy to take a few days off to compose yourself, then come back and name change. Or to walk away.

Of course you should also complain to MNHQ. If you are genuinely being bullied, the offending posters will be disciplned and/or banned. MNHQ are very good at this.

Otherwise, grow the fuck up. You aren't 14, this isn't Bebo, and being told your are being unreasonable isn't bullying.

I'm sorry I still disagree OP. captainbarnacle makes the excellent point that social networking sites are not anonymous and are an online facet of RL bullying.

There is no solution to the less diplomatic responses that some threads attack - one of the huge benefits of MN is the fact that it is unmoderated and the its population tends to effectively self-police.

I know it's always suggested that there are "cliques" etc but I've been here all day every day for 4 years now and I've honestly never noted any particular group of posters working together to attack anyone. Sometimes a poster is being unreasonable and it's so bloody obvious that within ten minutes a hundred replies have appeared all saying "YABU you silly bint", and it looks like bullying, but it's not calculated. Then one person posts in support of the OP and it all kicks off into arguments. That's not bullying, that's the nature of the medium.

AIBU to think that hose who can't see the difference between frank exchange / disagreeing / telling someone they are AIBU and bullying are probably the bullies?

"Bully can happen on Bebo and facebook - these sites are not so anonymous, they can involve people being ganging up on and victimised over a period of time. They cannot be switched off so easily. The victim has had their personal space invaded.

MN is not the same."

Just because we don't use our real names, captainbarnacle? Because most of us come on here for friendship and support, and sometimes for advice. I am me on here even though I am not called ConstanceFelicity in real life, and I post about things that matter to me, things I care about. If it was a kids' forum discussing DR Who or something, I wonder if you'd feel differently.

I do think that the reports of bullying here are greatly exaggerated, especially in AIBU, but it does happen occasionally, and it's ugly.

"I am confused by all the threads about bullying/bitching/arguing that is going on at the moment, surely you only need one? confused"

I wasn't aware that there were others, but I'm not surprised. For those of us who recognise bullying when we see it, it's not nice.

Irene "Mumsnet is an invaluable tool for parents and you shouldn't have to be one of the in crowd to get sensible and supportive advice" I completely refute your suggestion that newbies don't get support. As a very regular namechanger nobody knows who I am and yet I have consistently been given reassurance, help, advice and even been sent things by complete strangers since joining. I've never been part of any crowd on here but have always felt like I am among friends. If I've had a flaming it's usually been deserved (although it may have taken hindsight to make that clear to me at times )

I'm NOT saying everyone should always be nice to each other!

Nor that people shouldn't disagree!

There's a trump card if ever I saw one OP - "you don't agree with me so you're a bully?"

I dunno if it's bullying but there is definitely a mob mentality on some threads, and it can be quite daunting to post to oppose the mob, so they all sit there and back each other up reinforcing how tight they are. I think the best way to deal with it is not to bow to the pressure and go ahead and post your pov but avoid getting into personal arguments. Then maybe when people see that there are some voices of opposition there, they will be more ready to join in. So it's not so much one poster vs the might of MN.

Sometimes I picture a group of aggressive sheep in my mind. The way people all follow the other posters without actually seeming to think things through for themselves. So moo and baaa then .

Frankly, I find the constant accusations of bullying and the very many people 'taking offence' at people disagreeing with them tiresome.

For those who want to continue this ridiculous comparison: what would you advise to a teen on being bullied on FB to do? To start a great big maundering wall post about how victimised they feel? Or to report the incident to admin and log off for a bit?

Again, I say: grow up!

Or even how "right" they are, not how "tight" .

Large amount of posters with an opposing view to the op doesn't make them bullies IMO

sorry for shit typing. haven't had my coffee yet!

There have been quite a few around (have'nt opened any of them because they sound bitchy).

I would agree that bullying is around on here,when I first joined I had a run in with an MNer who seems to be bloody worshipped (but was a major bully straight talker) and was left in a bit of a state about because she scrutinized every little thing that I had ever said on here and told me that I bull shitted my qualifications because she did'nt know what they were, I was a man because I was stupid , I was a lying ugly cow because I had mentioned to someone that I had been a model whilst pregnant. It really did get to me and I left for a while (in 2008) but then got myself a new name and avoid that arsehole poster like the plague!

If that is ot bullying I don't know what is?!

Yes though this is a message board, you should still observe basic manners should I say, everyones entitled to an opinion but do people have to be nasty and rude about it.

If you only want friendship and support then I suggest you avoid AIBU and other such aspects of the site. Or find a fluffier site?

I am new to MN but a veteran of a couple of other messageboards from the last 5 years. We have the same discussions there every 6 months or so

Actual real, proper bullying on MN seems very rare.

can you not see the difference between disagreeing and bullying?

Have you looked at the threads I linked to?

It does say a lot about the person if they have to resort to being rude and nasty to get their point accross tbh.

3feethigh - you linked to one thread and also back here... You have a very strange idea of bullying.

I agree pigletmania - to be rude does say alot about the person. I think we are all grownups. We can all make up our own minds. And avoid those people whose attitudes we find distasteful if possible. Some people do show themselves up. That's enough for me to know I am right

"If you only want friendship and support then I suggest you avoid AIBU and other such aspects of the site. Or find a fluffier site?"

Don't send me to netmums!!!! :o