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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I shouldn't have to find childcare for my son when I attend medical appointments

150 replies

muttimalzwei · 18/02/2011 18:16

I went to a counselling session this week and took my son along. I'd been convinced he would sleep through it (he's 22 months) and of course he wasn't going to oblige. So I pushed him into the counsellors room and she told me I would need to find childcare for him and make a new appointment as it wasn't appropriate. I understood where she was coming from as I will be much more relaxed and able to concentrate without him there. Then yesterday attended a dentists appointment with my daughter, son was with me too. Was told not to bring him along for the next appointment (my daughter will have a tooth out)as it is too distracting. I am just feeling a bit got at. I do not have childcare on tap (no family nearby) and cannot just drop my son off with friends willy nilly. Am I being unreasonable to feel that they are being a bit unreasonable??!!

OP posts:

Indith · 19/02/2011 14:37

Ah just a pulled elbow, which of course everyone in the village and EW knows about because it was a Thursday morning that I had to take her and the message that got left for toddlers was just that I'd taken her to A&E . Anyway several hours later it eventuallypopped back in.

StealthPolarBear · 19/02/2011 14:41

ooh no, ouch :( poor DD

ReindeerBollocks · 19/02/2011 14:47

I take DD to all appointments, even if they involve DS. I have no choice and no access to instant childcare (DSs team adore DD now as much as DS). DH works and I doubt he would be impressed if he had to take an afternoon off work to mind DD so I could take DS to a doctors/dentist appointment. So WRT the dentist YANBU.

The counselling is separate, and honestly you should try and find someone to have her or a toddler group where she could be left, providing the counselling is at a regular time each week. Mainly for your benefit, as you will not be able to concentrate on you if your DS is there.

It is hard when you don't have instant access to childcare but it isn't a reason in itself not to have children.

ReindeerBollocks · 19/02/2011 14:49

Sorry he / him, thinking of DD instead of DS.

YunoYurbubson · 19/02/2011 14:53

I had a filling with ds sitting in his buggy and dd sitting on my knee. The dentest was lovely about it.

I have also had my haircut many times with a breastfeeding baby under the hairdressing cover thingy.

I wouldn't take them to counsilling though. Too distracting.

I do sympathise though. When there's no childcare, there's no childcare.

ragged · 19/02/2011 14:55

I don't know if some of you realise how dismissive and patronising you sound. I would like to get some counselling myself, but the first obstacle was childcare which I have no way to sort until September 2012. It must be nice if you roll into a new town and quickly develop a support network of new friends -- I thought that would happen to me, too, but it very much didn't (been here 7 years). Maybe it's my own fault for lack of friendship-making skills, or maybe it's the small-minded place where I live. I go to 4-5 toddler groups a week, have done for years, and know heaps of people to chat to, btw, but not well enough to ask them to take DC at short notice or for several hours. They would never ask me to repay the favour, which makes me feel uncomfortable, as most other folk locally have heaps of their own relatives and old friends close by to help out. I should add that DS2 is a very difficult child and it is a nightmare even considering asking anyone to mind him.

Childminders: I tried DS3 with one and she gave up because he wouldn't stop screaming.

Afterschool/Holiday club: they made DS1 eat apple and now all the DC refuse to go back in case they are forced to eat something they dislike, too.

Preschool workers who could babysit: This should work, but I lost the phone numbers (my fault).

Neighbours, including Casual teenage babysitters: No way they could handle explosive DS2.

Professional Sitter services: don't exist around here, we don't even have Homestart in this area.

I mean that's just my situation, I'm sure it's equally hideous for many others.

We have friends who keep asking us out for a meal. They cannot understand why we say we can't go due to lack of childcare. They have 2 adult teenagers on tap to mind their 4 under 12, plus 2 sets of grandparents within a half hour's drive. I keep waiting for the penny to drop... our friends could offer to babysit just so we could have a meal out ourselves. But that doesn't even cross their minds, they hint that they think we're just being awkward.

upahill · 19/02/2011 15:25

ragged I don't think too many people have been dismissive. people including myself have come up with suggestions and ideas of things that may help. Of course not every idea is going to be suiable for everyone.

Gillybeam I've no idea about my in box!

I got my first message there about 2 weeks ago and it made me feel like I'd finally got established on MN!!!

I hope you are OK. It must be truly crap too lose out on something and it is not your fault! I remember years ago feeling a bit put out that my compensation claim for being run over by a car was reduced by 25% because I didn't have a cycle helmet on! This was many years ago before it became normal to wear helmets. I tried to argue that it wasn't a legal obligation to wear a helmet but it was a requirement for cars to stop at a give way when traffic was going past them including bikes but they wasn't having any of it!!!

ladyfirenze · 19/02/2011 18:57

ragged - wtf. do you realise how you sound? old saying - if everybody is a problem, maybe the problems you.

Foreverondiet · 19/02/2011 19:25

Although I do see that this is difficult I do understand why this is essential. At that age i would drop of DS at friends at lunchtime with a travel cot, settle him and then hopefully be back for when he woke up.

thinkingaboutschools · 19/02/2011 19:25

Sorry but I don't think it is unreasonable of either the dentist or the counsellor

MCos · 19/02/2011 19:48

If you go to a toddlers group, could you ask if any of the moms would do you a huge favor and mind your son for you while you bring your daughter to get her tooth out, that you have nobody else to ask and dentist specifically asked that son is not brought to the apt?
I remember being in toddler groups and ever only felt acquainted with rather than friends with the other moms. But if anybody asked for help in such a situation, I'd have helped for sure. As I'm sure other moms out there would do to.

tigitigi · 19/02/2011 19:51

I bring the kids in everywhere, usually they are very accommodating and if the kids do need to step outside the receptionists play with them, sounds like I have been really lucky

ragged · 19/02/2011 20:03

Thank you for your kind and supportive message, LadyFirenze.

I was trying to illustrate how diverse the obstacles can be in getting childcare. I didn't say anything about other people being "the problem". To elaborate on my situation, the counselling my GP referred me to is a half hour drive away. If DS repeated his screaming act that he did with the Childminder, I'd be asking a "friend" to put up with a minimum 2 hours screaming on a regular basis. That's a lot to ask. It's a lot to ask any casual acquaintance to mind your DC for free on a regular basis, anyway (situation OP is in with the counselling).

I agree OP's got to be without child to benefit from the counselling, but I have a lot of sympathy for how difficult that can be to achieve.

CameronCook · 19/02/2011 21:38

Sometimes people won't realise that you have any difficulties with childcare until you ask and then they will be delighted to help out as it means that you will hopefully reciprocate.

My parents and sister are local but it doesnt mean they can help as they have their own lives so I am always happy to look after others DC as I know that they will return the favour.

moomaa · 19/02/2011 22:34

What would actually happen with the instance of the dentist if someone said that it wasn't possible to arrange childcare for the toddler? Would they refuse the older child care? Or would they just hurumph and say the receptionist would mind?

moomaa · 19/02/2011 22:35

And was thinking about what my parents did (we all had lots of extractions) but we were just left in the waiting room and as the oldest I took the youngest whilst parents were at work. Dentist wasn't especially impressed but still went ahead.

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 20/02/2011 08:57

ragged I sympathise with your situation. 'They would never ask me to repay the favour, which makes me feel uncomfortable, as most other folk locally have heaps of their own relatives and old friends close by to help out.' It's the same for me, I would happily return favours but no one needs to ask as they have a support network of their own. Where we live most people I know with kids have grown up here and have a well established circle of help. I tried to establish a babysitting circle with the other school mums and I felt like I was really pushing for it and I got a very lukewarm response. No one else seems to need the help.

OP posts:

BoffinMum · 20/02/2011 09:55

Mutti, that is definitely the case around here. Everyone has established networks, has always had established networks, and the clan I seem to have ended up in have older children and the moment has passed for them - they are more career minded, and simply not around to do favours, or childless (as in the case of my nearest neighbours). People (and Government) make a lot of assumptions about knocking on the doors of other people, and sometimes if you do it, it is an enormous ask and would only really be appropriate if you were taking a child to A and E in an ambluance or whatever.

BoffinMum · 20/02/2011 09:56

I would also add that I tried offering babysitting right left and centre a few years ago, and some people took me up on it, but when I asked for a favour in return they were always unavailable, so it ended up being completely one-sided. What sort of mug am I?

blackeyedsusan · 20/02/2011 10:43

right, perhaps if I some of us knew tht h/p was going to have an affair/be violent/have an accident/get ill maybe we would have had time to get some back up in place. Sometimes you can not predict whether your regular babysitters become ill (admitted to hospital for several days and now unable to take ds) or get job so no longer available in the day. H has left suddenly because he was violent. parents are too old/ill/far to travel and mil on chemo and also too far. Toddler group has a high turn over of people and it is difficult to brek into a network of established frienships at some groups. dd has not long started school so am trying to make contacts there, but it takes time.

ladyfirenze · 20/02/2011 14:51

sorry ragged. don't know what got into me last night! i'm gutted you guys have had such tough times. maybe i'm just lucky to live near a likeminded community. i did my time feeling isolated with my first ds, and second time round could have kicked myself when i found there was a whole world waiting for me on my doorstep. i wish others could experience the same.

BoffinMum · 20/02/2011 15:25

We used to live in a place where people did that, but it's not like that around here. Different areas vary so much.

ragged · 20/02/2011 18:00

Gosh, that was a nice apology, LadyF (am not being ironic this time).

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/02/2011 18:08

i understand why not the best thing to have a child with you while having counselling,as you will be watching/thinking about them

but silly about the dentist - im a nanny and have always taken my dc with me for general check ups, though i wouldnt for a tooth extraction (if me) but would if was a child i was taking

have you thought of a cm?

ladyfirenze · 20/02/2011 18:57

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