to think I shouldn't have to find childcare for my son when I attend medical appointments

[muttimalzwei]

I went to a counselling session this week and took my son along. I'd been convinced he would sleep through it (he's 22 months) and of course he wasn't going to oblige. So I pushed him into the counsellors room and she told me I would need to find childcare for him and make a new appointment as it wasn't appropriate. I understood where she was coming from as I will be much more relaxed and able to concentrate without him there. Then yesterday attended a dentists appointment with my daughter, son was with me too. Was told not to bring him along for the next appointment (my daughter will have a tooth out)as it is too distracting. I am just feeling a bit got at. I do not have childcare on tap (no family nearby) and cannot just drop my son off with friends willy nilly. Am I being unreasonable to feel that they are being a bit unreasonable??!!

There are many, many people who do not have readily available childcare and cannot afford further professional childcare.

I don't have any friends that aren't working on the days that I am off/would attend appoinments. My dh can't take time off work very easily. We have no family. We are very over-extended financially already at the moment.

I had a traumatic birth and was referred to physio as a result. I was in immense pain and found walking etc very difficult, also had a very rigid back which really impacted upon my ability to care for my baby/pick him up etc.

Physio wouldn't let me bring baby to appointment so I never went. Not even once. Just muddled through. It took me ten months to recover.

I am a health professional myself so I know there are issues re: the therapeutic relationship etc but if the alternative is that women cannot access any appropriate healthcare, then we need to think creatively about meeting needs...

is it just a milk tooth she's having out? can't see the big deal there tbh.
counselling prob easier for you though if you can concentrate on yourself rather than amusing a toddler

Your daughter having the tooth out will need you 100% if she is being partially sedated, more so as you will have to more than likely carry her.

Try to make appointments that suit when you can get childcare.

Unfortunate, but a way of the world.

Alouseg, I had childcare on tap when first having children, then unfortunately the babysitter died, if I hadn't originally had a babysitter though are you saying I should have stayed childless? How hideous.

I'm in a similar position to the original poster and think it would be great if there was a central childcare resource to help in these sort of circumstance. I asked if there was anything like this when pregnant with my 2nd child as I had fears of having to take dd1 with me to the hospital. Some people aren't as fortunate as you obviously are and your comment just shows your ignorant.

i always take my children [2 of them] to the dentists with me and the dentist has always been fine with it-that is even for 45 minute appts. maybe try another dentist? as i always say, it's all three of us or no one at all!

My psychotherapist is happy for DD (19 months) to be in my appointments. When I had EMDR sessions and really had to concentrate, I found someone to look after her, but these sessions have been planned in advance so that I could organise child care.

I've had a couple of hospital appointments this week (emergency scan and internal) and had to ask a friend to come with me to is in the waiting room with DD. This friend has just gone on maternity leave - I have no idea what I would have done otherwise, it is so difficult.

My OH is a counsellor and will counsel with children present. Says it is obviously best if parent can arrange chikdcare, but reckons it is better to counsel with child there, than parent not able to access counselling at all. But not all counsellors agree.

I work as a medical secretary and I often have to jiggle babies in buggies or amuse toddlers whilst their parents are in a session with my Consultant Psychiatrist boss. I don't mind.

I am due to start counselling some time this year. I have had some in the past and to be honest you can never guarantee your child will sleep through these visits. There is no way that you can be open about everything when you are keeping an eye on a toddler/baby so to be honest yabu to expect to bring your child to one of these appointments.

All my counselling appointments have usually ended up with me crying, and feeling emotionally drained so I would not want my children to see that.

For a normal dentist check-up I think it is fine to take other children and most dentists recommend it. But for a procedure such as a tooth taken out I can see why they think it would be better to leave your toddler with someone else. Surely all your attention should be on the child who is having the procedure done, not having to look after their sibling.

So sorry in both cases they have a good reason why your toddler should not be there

The counsellor I think is being reasonable. There is no way you can have a proper counselling session with a toddler in tow.

However, the dentist needs to face up to reality. Unless you are hvaing root canal or something, I;m sure he/she can perform a check up quite easily with the kids there (unless they are having a major tantrum, or something).

In newish city. The one or two friends I know work during the day. One neighbour who used to have dd now has health problems, and ds is too lively for her. No h at home. Please tell me where I can suddenly conjure up child care?

Im a Nurse Therapist and we have a woman who has been bringing her 3 month old baby, she has been coming since pregnant to, but its now getting to the stage where it is not appropriate.

And I do have every sympathy for lack of childcare, I have been there many many times myself in the past - but the type of therapy we do just wouldnt work if children were there, for lots of reasons. Its not just the distractions, its the emotional impact on the children themselves, no matter how young of being there when parents can and do become distressed. Plus the therpay has less chance of tackling and helping the perosn think and chnage.

I dont mean to sound harsh at the end of the day but its really wasting your own time and the therapists time at the end of the day, as I know the realities of waiting lists and access to mental health services in this economic climate.

The comment about counsellor being unreasonable as they are meant to be there to make your life easier not harder is a little illjudged - therapy is to help people think about themselves, their thoughts and feelings, their actions and their relationships - which hopefully will then help make their life easier to manage - and as I said the chances of this happening with children present is slim.

Thank you for all you r comments and advice. Happily the dates for the two extraction appointments are when my husband is off so he can help. Have asked a friend to have my kids when I attend counselling but don't feel great about doing this as she aqlreday has two kids of her own and doesn't ask for favours back as her parents always help etc. Perhpas the nhs shouls try and offer a creche facility again. I wouldn't mind paying £10 an hour just to know that all was well and I didn't have to worry about childcare or appointmrnts running late (which they always do and add to the headache)

YABU,

If the dentist or the counsellor brought their child to work would you feel they were giving you a great service?

No.

You do need to give the counselling the full respect and attention you expect from them and you need to give the dentist the ability to concentrate on the job in hand.

Whilst finding childcare is a problem it is your problem, not society.

I have an issue with a dog that needs minding. If I said that the NHS should provide kennels because I can't leave him at home and they won't let me take him in you'd find that odd.

If you were a carer of an elderly relative with alzhiemer same thing...

Childcare is your responsibility. No one else's. It is also not impossible to sort out. Thousands of women share childcare informally for this very reason

I am a lone parent and struggle with this same issue. But it is my problem

I feel for the OP, this has happened to me too at the dentist.
DD is a bit sensitive and got upset at seeing a masked man poking sharp instruments into my mouth.
The dentist asked the dental nurse to wheel DD out into the waiting room, and asked me not to bring her again. I needed more done, so DH had to take time off work.
I can see it from the dentists point of view, obviously it was hard for him to concentrate with DD distressed, and of course she had to go out. But it does make things awkward.

Now I am pregnant and can't take DD along to my numerous appointments either (am high risk and get lots of monitoring). We have nobody to look after DD except DH, so he has to keep taking time off work, and making it up by staying late in the evenings - I suppose we are lucky he is even allowed to do that.

I don't think the medical staff are unreasonable, but I do feel for poor DH!

Erm, if your dd is having a tooth out she'll need your attention, presumably the dentist needs to concentrate.

I am afraid tough cheese, find someone to look after your dcs.

When I had DD in the 1980s, there were all sorts of ad hoc childcare possibilities open to me - Asda had shopper's creches, shopping malls had little playrooms where you could leave kids for an hour or two, ball pit places often provided a bit of supervised care, and we also had two children's hotels within driving distance where you could leave them in the care of other people overnight. Local churches ran simple creches from time to time, as did other community groups.

This has now all changed. Ad hoc childcare has more or less died out for most people without local family since regulation stepped in - CRB checks, training requirements, time limits, rules about 'settling' children over a fortnightly period, rules about what space and what equipment needs to be provided, and so on. For people without family locally they are more or less on their own. The sooner everyone realises this problem the better, which is entirely of society's making and not the fault of individual families. Healthcare providers need to consider this social issue when seeking to give care, in the way that they seek to accommodate the problems of the homeless or the disabled, otherwise we are all on a hiding to nothing.

There was another thread about children at counselling sessions recently, where the response was totally the opposite to here. I think there was a trained counsellor on the thread and her view was that it was better to go to the counselling - with child in tow - than not attend at all. I think she also said that some counsellors are trained to deal with children attending too, so on the whole it shouldn't be a problem.

It may just be a case of finding a more sympathetic dentist and counsellor.

If I have an appointment my DH needs to take time off work as I have no family or friends around. It's a pain

To my mind, access to NHS services should be based on need and need alone. The NHS should make reasonable concessions to allow all of the population to access its services - wide ambulances and reinforced beds for the obese, home visits for those with agoraphobia, school based interventions for children and (free/heavily subsidised/cost based on ability to pay) creches for people who cann't access services without childcare.
Obv that's not going to happen any time soon. But IMO that is how it should work

"I think there was a trained counsellor on the thread and her view was that it was better to go to the counselling - with child in tow - than not attend at all."

or could some of the counselor's admin staff have "entertaining children" written into their job descripton?

I know it is tough cheese and yes I should sort it out myself but I agree with StealthPolarBear. There should be help available. BoffinMum, I wish we had facilities now like those you described. The mums who need the support most are often those who need to attend the sessions most, iykwim.
How come Barnardos offered a two hour creche so I could attend a first aid course for six weeks (thank you that was brilliant!!) yet this does not follow in other situations?

Healthcare providers need to consider this social issue when seeking to give care, in the way that they seek to accommodate the problems of the homeless or the disabled, otherwise we are all on a hiding to nothing. - Boffinmum, is this an issue for MUMSNET?