to think I shouldn't have to find childcare for my son when I attend medical appointments

[muttimalzwei]

I went to a counselling session this week and took my son along. I'd been convinced he would sleep through it (he's 22 months) and of course he wasn't going to oblige. So I pushed him into the counsellors room and she told me I would need to find childcare for him and make a new appointment as it wasn't appropriate. I understood where she was coming from as I will be much more relaxed and able to concentrate without him there. Then yesterday attended a dentists appointment with my daughter, son was with me too. Was told not to bring him along for the next appointment (my daughter will have a tooth out)as it is too distracting. I am just feeling a bit got at. I do not have childcare on tap (no family nearby) and cannot just drop my son off with friends willy nilly. Am I being unreasonable to feel that they are being a bit unreasonable??!!

I'm a lawyer and frequently have people bring babies/toddlers to appointments with them. I don't object, I can do my job, but very often the parents can't, and aren't, concentrating on what I am trying to discuss with them. Which kind of defeats the purpose of their visit.

Fair enough Boffin and Kingof....

I did it once and Ds2 was such hard work and fidgetey and I had to try and keep an eye on him and coax the other that every thing was ok that neither got my full attention when it was needed.

However I don't have to do that anymore so hey if it's not a problem for people I'll butt out!

OP, I really feel for you. But in the two examples you give, it'd really be better for you if your DS wasn't there. Very hard to organise sometimes, I know.

Alouseg, bloody stupid comment to make. Lucky you living in a world where you don't have to worry about such things. If my DH hadn't been diagnosed with terminal cancer then perhaps I might have the same luxury

actually i think that people who have easy access to childcare just don't understand what it is like fr people who don't. perhaps you have moved to a new area and don't have many friends, and no family nearby. what are you expected to do? most childminders won't take children they don't know for a one off.
i remember doing a 50 mile round trip to collect my 78 year old mother in law to sit in a hospital waiting room with Ds aged 2 and DD aged 6 months for me to go to an appointment. but i couldn't afford to do that every week.

I have a mum and MIL nearby and my DCs go to nursery (3 days a week but flexible). I can quite imagine what it would be like if I didn't have this - I have absolutely no idea what I would do.

What I would suggest Concordia, is that people ring up the Children's Services in their LA and ask for a list of names of regestered childminders or of any places that can help.

I was totally clueless when I had a baby as all my friends either hadn't had children or had grown up children and we had not parents or family (they all lived abroad)

sorry, haven't read all of thread, but for what it's worth here's my two penneth.

ways to create childcare for such eventualities:

get in touch with your local community centres/church halls.

choose and attend the best toddler group you see.

and when you are there, just be brave and get chatting to the folk there.

i have found some of my best friends through this method, and now have places i can leave my dts age 6, if have to.

i also met folk as a breastfeeding volunteer.

i know it seems a little calculated, but it's with good intention. plus, i can offer the same favours in return when they are stuck.

hope that helps, and sorry if it's been said already

Those without any childcare could try sitters their website says that they can usually offer daytime help as well as evenings.

Sorry to come back to this but Gillybean why couldn't you have physio if you needed it.
I know you said you work so your circumstance is different to the OP's.

Why didn't you take time off as either leave or unpaid leave if you needed something that could benefit your long term health and well being especially if it was going to have an effect on your compensation claim.

Could you not have scheduled your phsio appointments for after your DC had been droped off at school taken time off and then gone to work or scheduled them for the afternoon and then picked DC up afterwards?

It just seems a shame to miss appointments that could have helped in the long run.

Isn't it about £25 to register with Sitters, plus a four hour minimum sit at something like £7 an hour? Can't imagine many people have £50+ to shell out simply to attend a dental appointment with one of their other kids.

YABU, I wouldn't dream of taking a 22month old to anything like that. I know it is difficult to get childcare but surely you can call in favours from friends?

Again, it wouldn't go down well around here if you bowled up at a toddler group and suddenly announed you needed a babysitter for a dental appointment, or even worse a regular slot so you could have six sessions of counselling or whatever. It takes months to know people well enough to leave your kids with them, and to build up that kind of relationship, and even then it is extremely hit and miss.

CC there's a £14 quartlerly charge for sitters, and between £6-£7 per hour with a recommended minimum booking of 4 hours. So a one of booking would personlally cost me more than all the disposable income I have a month! And if I did use that I'd still have to fork out for petrol to get to a councelling session.

Basically it's just not financially feasible for some people. That's assuming there was even anyone prepared to come out to where I was (would probably have to pay them extra to consider it for the travelling costs).

Not to mention that I would prefer to know the person (or get a personal recommendation) on anyone I was leaving in charge of my child. especially if they are young.

I do also realise that many people just don't get what it is like being a lone parent on a very low income with no support.

My DD recently had to have a filling under sedation - I had to arrange two extra adults to help me out (DH is away at the moment), one to babysit DS (siblings not allowed to be at the surgery) and another to accompany myself and DD as the surgery would only do the procedure if DD has two adult escorts (one to drive home and one to sit in back and monitor her).
My fab parents stepped in - but I did wonder how many people can drum up two spare adults on a Wednesday afternoon at a couple of days notice.

Boffin
That's why Ladyfirenze's was a good post.
Maybe make friends as soon as you can so that you can offer and ask for favours.
Also use your LA for advice.

If you are a lone parent with no family surely you know that you need back up at some point so why not be pro active as soon as you can to make friends and become part of the community so you can ask for help (and give it back to other people in the same position)

I assumed the op had no partner but she does. So, yabu. You have to arrange appointments around their time off/holidays etc if you have no other childcare. Tis life.

and go to mN meet ups :)

I think sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and ask a friend. Friendships don't magically become close relationships where you can swap children around, someone has to take the plunge.

FWIW the nearest family we have is a good hour and a half away and not available for an hour while I go to the Dr or something, I just have to plan things. A check-up at the dentist, a normal GP appointment then I take the children. For things like smear tests, fillings and such then I have to plan ahead. My last smear I did when my parents were up visiting, sometimes I can get dh to work form home. I did ask a friend to have the dcs while I had a filling, it was the first time I had done that, she said she was honoured at being trusted. Part of it is putting the point to dh that it is important. If he needed an appointment he would simply take the time off work but he knows that I can't just dump the dcs so we work together, I ask him which days are best for him to either take the morning off or work form home or something. I've also just dumped ds on a certain PolarBear at a fraction if a second notice to take dd to A&E, they both survived

Yes, something which I still feel dreadful about :(
Apart from that you have never asked me - suppose it's less easy now I am at work but I would be honoured to help if I can.

Not your fault SPB. She had her second A&E visit the other day, that child will be the death of me. But yes, you have one of those pesky job type things so only tend to be available at the times dh is. Hope you know the same applies, they are always welcome.

Upahill I tried to PM you re your question but it's not letting me send it to you. I just get a box pops up saying "message from website" but it has no message in it

Well i dont have any friends that im close to, more like people i know from a pub i used to go to. My dad lives in france my mom in spain, and sis in dubai. one sis left with a little one of her own, cant cope with mine too, so not much use. DH only has a dad and step mum but they have always got step BILs DDs so not free.
DS has only just started going to school so not built up much of anything with the moms yet. but we have just moved here, they all other so..
I do not have any spare money for paying for childcare.
My DH takes little holiday from work, we cannot afford it. If its a desperate thing of course he would, but lots of things which would be good to go too are not desperate so we simply couldnt justify it.
IE - smears, dental check ups/treatments, weekly bipolar cbt, blood pressure checks, medication reviews, mild illness that would benefit from treatments but will survive without, opticians, the list is endless really.

Its just a bit tuff really innit,

Sorry YABU - I'm an expat and its amazing how relative "strangers' rally round to look after kids because none of us have family close and many of us have just arrived. At 22 months most kids will be a little bit sad but easily distracted by other kids of the same age (and most mums are happy to store up the favour). Just ask other mums to help out - would never have done it in London, but since living abroad do it all the time

thanks upahill.

i am a lone parent meself, with no family, and when dts came along, and ds1 was seven, i had only one friend with a child the same age as him.

having twins forced me to make new friends with kids around their age. i didn't roll up to a toddler group trying to palm the kids off on total strangers!

to be fair boffin, i trust my judgement, and get to know somebody on their own merit before i'd ever leave my child with them.

for eg when you meet a prospective parent, they usually pop up in more than one place.

maybe i'm lucky, but i live in newcastle, in a place called heaton, and most people know or have heard of other people, or whatever - six degrees of seperation and all that. either through primary or high school, toddler or play groups or the pub!

my point is that the dearest people can be found out there - but not unless you look. also, why is there anything wrong with being open about that from the off? most other people have things they can't do without help. no (wo)man is an island.

what happened??