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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder about Adult Adoptees

191 replies

JJ17 · 17/02/2011 22:49

Ok

Phew - whoever pulled it - thank you.

My "problem" is that my Dad is really shaken.

Yes, he had a shag, yes people have to take responsibilties for shags but she was adopted out and therefore my Dad did not know. The b-Mum did know and did not let Dad know.

OP posts:
Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 01:23

My ex-DH had 2 children before our child together and he has no relationship with them. He adores our son, even though we have been split up a long time.

Our son has a half sister and a half brother from his Dad and we have agreed never to tell him.

I don't think "blood" is important.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 18/02/2011 01:23

JJ- it is not a secret
MN posters - it is a secret

JJ - My Dad is lovely
MN posters - he sounds like he has issues that don't make him a good father to his nuisance oldest daughter. He sounds like he is putting pressure on his 3 younger daughters by keeping secrets with them from their mother.

reelingintheyears · 18/02/2011 01:23

VicarInaTutu...Smile

MummieHunnie · 18/02/2011 01:25

You married your dad JJ!

ThatVikRinA22 · 18/02/2011 01:26

but it is important to find out the answers to your questions. would you not want to know if you were in her position, or mine?

when the gp asks if i have any family history of ...and i cant answer, i want to know whats in my genes. i want to know where i came from. i want to know why my eyes are green when everyone elses in my family are blue.

i want to know lots and lots of things that ill never know.

reelingintheyears · 18/02/2011 01:27

Wow.... your son is going to grow up not knowing he has half siblings?

Lets hope your exDH doesn't get bored with your son.

giyadas · 18/02/2011 01:27

so you essentially spend your time enabling selfish entitled men to fuck over others and make sure they never face the consequences?

reelingintheyears · 18/02/2011 01:29

This is surely a wind up......G'night.

MummieHunnie · 18/02/2011 01:30

Vicar Sad

The lady I know who gave up her daughter for addoption, was delighted to hear from her daughter, you never know, not every family reacts like OP's! The whole of the family were deligted to have her and she was accepted even though in her late thirties at the time as if she had been in the family all along!

MummieHunnie · 18/02/2011 01:30

JJ is a stepmother also!

Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 01:33

Vicar - I feel that my Dad fulfilled his obligation in giving her medical information and some photos and as much genenalogical information as he knows.

You said "she probably feels nothing too, other than curiosity and a whole host of unanswered questions" - Dad doesn't know the answers to the questions concerning the adoption, which is what she want to know. Because he didn't know she existed.

You also said "...find it hard to hear that through no fault of her own this woman is considered a mere nuisance." That's not true, she blurbs everything onto our business website.

OP posts:
Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 01:35

MH - Why is my being a stepmother anything to do with this.

I consider my stepdaugher my daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 01:37

Her mother is dead and I adopted her what has that got to do with anything?

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 18/02/2011 01:37

she is here, alive and kicking, through your fathers and her mothers actions, not through hers.

if the only way she can be heard is to "blurb" everything on the business website then maybe she feels she has no alternative to be heard.

of course you are going to defend your father. but, if you want honest opinions, you maybe arent going to like the fact that many people appear to think that his actions are indefensible. he sounds callous and cold and appears to not want to face any kind of responsibility for a life he brought into this world. whether you or he likes it, he fathered her.

scotsgirl23 · 18/02/2011 01:38

Vicar I'm in a similar position to you re not knowing a great deal about my history (on one side) although I've recently found a whole load out. I was contemplating making contact with my dad and half siblings but I have to confess this thread is putting me off. The thought that I would be simply a nuisance is heartbreaking.

My dad knows I exist, but I know at least one of the siblings probably doesn't.

This thread is Sad

iscream · 18/02/2011 01:38

On second thought, after reading more posts here, your half sister may be better off not getting to know her father. I do not know the story as it was deleted, but have the general gist of it.
I do believe a birth parent who puts a child up for adoption has a right to privacy, and it seems he did not know she even existed?
If I were her, I would be hurt, but would back away. But I would make sure he knew he could contact me if he ever changed his mind.
He doesn't want her, it of course will hurt, but life is painful. I hope she had a lovely home growing up.

MummieHunnie · 18/02/2011 01:41

Your stepdaughter, just how many years was it that her father did not see her for, ten was it?

Are you not noticing anything here when it comes to the various men in your life, and their behaviour towards children, JJ?

scotsgirl23 · 18/02/2011 01:42

I would agree that the half sister might be better to back away for her own sake, but I still think it is horrible that she is being treated like the bad person in all of this.

giyadas · 18/02/2011 01:43

reposting; so you essentially spend your time enabling selfish entitled men to fuck over others and make sure they never face the consequences?

Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 01:49

MH - I adopted my step-daugher because her parents were not looking after her properly.

She is my DS2's half sister.

What's wrong with that?

She is happy with me.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 18/02/2011 01:52

I am glad she is happy with you.

What I am pointing out is that the men in your life as Giyadas has said, seem to have a theme running through their behaviour towards children.

Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 01:52

My stepdaugher's mother died and her Dad had not seen her for 10 years. She came to us when she was 12 then he left us all and she asked me to adopt her, which I did.

WTF!

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 18/02/2011 01:53

can i just add....

jj17 - you say your dad has "fulfilled his obligations"....

sorry, but she obviously feels he hasnt. perhaps a fathers obligations are more than mere information.

he is her father. he might not like it, nor may you, but the fact is he has fathered her.

no one can make you or your family give a toss and it sounds like her lack of any sort of attention is making her resort to fairly desperate measures. she is not being treated fairly imo, do you know anything of her life thus far?

i had a shite time growing up. very very uncomfortable to say the least, i would perhaps feel the same need to be heard in her position.
how hurt do you think she feels?

i was also rejected by my birth mother. she would perhaps benefit from counselling, though i have to say in her shoes i would probably be doing the same thing as she is, and making life a tad uncomfortable for her father until he acknowledges some responsibility.

Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 01:57

MH: ALL my kids are v v v happy with me. There is no pattern here. She asked me to adopt her, and I did, because I love her. And to keep her out of foster care. As I adopted her she is my daugther, not my step daughter.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 18/02/2011 02:01

JJ, the theme is about the men in your life, no one is questioning your care of the children.

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