Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder about Adult Adoptees

191 replies

JJ17 · 17/02/2011 22:49

Ok

Phew - whoever pulled it - thank you.

My "problem" is that my Dad is really shaken.

Yes, he had a shag, yes people have to take responsibilties for shags but she was adopted out and therefore my Dad did not know. The b-Mum did know and did not let Dad know.

OP posts:
Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 00:14

Crispycake - you said I'm sure your mum isn't naive enough to think that there is absolutely no truth in the rumour of a "girl in every port"?

and if the first contact was made as noted on the other thread, and work colleagues know, then it's surely only a matter of time before your mum finds out (and surely contacting him as she does is completely against her request for secrecy?)

I'm sure you're only trying to protect your mum, but surely it's better for her to find out now, from your Dad, than to hear gossip from your employees and have to confront him to get at the truth?

My response: My mum is "difficult". "Naive" is the best way for her to be. Work colleagues will not tell her as she is so unpredicatable. No, it would most genuinely ruin their lives if Mum knew.

OP posts:
Catnao · 18/02/2011 00:17

I don't know, but it does seem likely your mum will find out - especially if your half sister is seriously hacked off with your father's response? Your half sister might not feel like behaving "reasonably" if she feels hurt by rejection?

MummieHunnie · 18/02/2011 00:17

GIYadas, the first thread was accusing the hsis of harrassing and was very bitter sounding, which was probably why op has had such a hard time, she has softened since the first thread actually.

It is sad as if you do an advanced search on op, she has a complicated fammily situation of her own, from that I would have thought she would have more compassion and be more entertaining of a half sister!

MummieHunnie · 18/02/2011 00:19

I suppose the fact your parents have an issue with the Irish doesn't help either when it comes to your Mum finding out your dad cheated with an Irish woman and had a child to her, OP!

reelingintheyears · 18/02/2011 00:22

Catnao...

I agree it is her right but would say she shouldn't be disappointed if she didn't like what she found.

I thought my Father was John Lennon FFS.Grin.

Catnao · 18/02/2011 00:25

Wish my dad WAS John Lennon! Wink

Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 00:25

I'm sure your mum isn't naive enough to think that there is absolutely no truth in the rumour of a "girl in every port"?

and if the first contact was made as noted on the other thread, and work colleagues know, then it's surely only a matter of time before your mum finds out (and surely contacting him as she does is completely against her request for secrecy?)

I'm sure you're only trying to protect your mum, but surely it's better for her to find out now, from your Dad, than to hear gossip from your employees and have to confront him to get at the truth?

Answer: No - but Mum is very difficult and life would be hell, even now.

Work colleagues are mature and would not dream of mentioning it to us or Mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 00:31

"if she comes to London" surely her job makes that pretty inevitable?

Can I ask again how can you shield your mum from this if people at work know? you need to convince your Dad to tell your Mum; regardless of how she might react, she has a right to hear it from the family rather than from someone else (or worse read it in the gutter press!). and I'm sure her reaction to finding out that everyone knows about it and has kept it from her will be far worse than any reaction to hearing about it in the first place.

Why would it bother you that she hasn't contacted ber birth mother? Perhaps she felt it was a dead-end? Perhaps she has already and her birth mother doesn't want to know, but she doesn't want others knowing that? Do you feel she has no right to contact her father too? They are both her biological parents at the end of the day

Answer:

Yes - she comes to London - ut it's a big place. I would like to see her but it would be a DIRECT betrayal of my mum.

Her bMum - it fucks me off cos she took the easy option. Dad knew nothing about her - her mum did.

OP posts:
Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 00:33

Mummie Hunnie - my parents ARE Irish!

OP posts:
Catnao · 18/02/2011 00:34

I very much doubt if contacting either parent would have been easy. She is a member of your family - that's just a fact, and if she wants to find out about her roots, surely that's up to her - SHE hasn't told your mum has she?

reelingintheyears · 18/02/2011 00:34

OK...have just got this....

Everyone at your work knows but your Mum doesn't?

I think he (your Dad) should tell her.

Not you OP....because it's not your business to do that unless your Dad ask you to.

How humiliating to eventually find out something that every one else knows except you.And this stuff always comes out in the end.

FWIW,i would not judge DP on something like this...

There for the grace of God etc

MummieHunnie · 18/02/2011 00:34

You posted that they were not keen on another thread on Irish people, maybe that was a joke on the other thread.

giyadas · 18/02/2011 00:35

reeling - Grin
any adoptee finding their parents knows to expect the chance of rejection but I still think JJ's response is selfish.
The bsis is blameless. Your dad made his choices, he made it this far without his cheating being found out but now it's caught up. That's life, his choices were his own and the consequences are his to deal with.

Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 00:35

We do not live in Ireland.

But we are of Irish extraction.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 18/02/2011 00:36

Why did your sister meet the half sister and not feel that it was a direct betrayal of your Mum, and why are you emailing the half sister is that not a betrayal also, I really don't understand this op?

Catnao · 18/02/2011 00:37

Also - the fact that your dad DIDN'T KNOW about her and her mum did and still had her adopted might have made her think your dad was LESS likely to reject her?

reelingintheyears · 18/02/2011 00:37

Sorrt Catnao but i have to disagree.

She isn't a member of their family,she's a member of her own (admittedly adoptive) family.

Catnao · 18/02/2011 00:38

No, I see what you mean, but biologically she is part of their family and curiosity is probably natural?

MummieHunnie · 18/02/2011 00:39

I know a lady who due to family pressure in the sixties, gave her daughter up for adoption, her daughter later found her as an adult they are the best of friends, they go on holiday twice a year, they feel like family.

Catnao · 18/02/2011 00:41

By the way - I rally don't think that finding biological family is always in a child's best interests for personal reasons of my own - but since she has decided to do so, I think she had the right to - hopefully she was prepared for the possibility of rejection and can now move on from the experience having tried.

giyadas · 18/02/2011 00:41

Reeling - the grin was to your John Lennon post.
"it fucks me off cos she took the easy option." Hmm
Well, the putting the obvious critisism of that comment aside, isn't that what you're doing now?

Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 00:41

MH - my sister met the bsister because she felt sorry for her. She made her own decision. I did email her for a while but then felt I was "cheating" on my mum.

Catnao - sorry, I don't get this. If her bMum gave her up and mourned her then she would want to see her. My Dad did not know she existed therefore had no connection - and no incentive?

OP posts:
Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 00:42

Dad said if he was single or a widower he might have been a bit more "oh, yeah, Hiya" but that fatherhood takes a lifetime.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 18/02/2011 00:43

JJ it was your Dad that cheated on your Mum not you it is not your shame to carry, and it is him that wants you all to lie to her!

Why has you Dad not taken the time to meet his other daughter?

Catnao · 18/02/2011 00:44

But she MIGHT have felt that since her biological mother had "rejected" her already and your dad hadn't as he didn't know she existed, that he might not want to reject her as she MIGHT feel her mother already had, and he might be glad of the chance to finally meet her. I don't know, obviously, as I don't know the woman, but it struck me as a possibility.