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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder about Adult Adoptees

191 replies

JJ17 · 17/02/2011 22:49

Ok

Phew - whoever pulled it - thank you.

My "problem" is that my Dad is really shaken.

Yes, he had a shag, yes people have to take responsibilties for shags but she was adopted out and therefore my Dad did not know. The b-Mum did know and did not let Dad know.

OP posts:
Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 00:46

Because he does not view her as a daughter but as a nuisance.

OP posts:
Catnao · 18/02/2011 00:47

Which must be very hard for her to accept, I would have thought, or hurtful at the very least.

Catnao · 18/02/2011 00:48

Lucky you as you were born the right side of the blanket!

Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 00:48

I feel really sorry for the bMum - she had her for 6 weeks.

OP posts:
giyadas · 18/02/2011 00:49

yeah, consequences are often a nuisance. Why is your dad exempt from facing them?

ThatVikRinA22 · 18/02/2011 00:50

i think everyone deserves to know their roots - my mother refused to tell me who my father is. as a result of this i now have no family at all, and the what ifs never go away.

i didnt see the original thread. my bio father was apparently in the army. thats all i know, no names, ages, nothing.

i cant blame the daughter for wanting to know. from the last post your father sounds incredibly selfish, she is a nuisance that he created.

Catnao · 18/02/2011 00:50

What do you think would have happened if she'd told your dad at the time? Would he have behaved differently all those years ago do you think?

reelingintheyears · 18/02/2011 00:52

In that case he doesn't sound like a very nice man.

As for if he were unmarried or widowed....but Fatherhood takes a life time.

What is that about?

Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 00:52

CatNao - sorry to be hurtful but that is exactly how he feels. Like his sailor past has come back to haunt him. I know it has resulted in a human being, as a mum, and my Dad is a great Dad and wonderful GDad but this "woman" (his words) he feels is just a nuisance.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 18/02/2011 00:53

nusance Shock

Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 00:53

He is a lovely man, but he is very, very, very shy. I think that is part of it.

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 18/02/2011 00:54

nice.

then he should have kept it in his trousers shouldnt he.

Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 00:54

He hates meeting people without a member of the family at his side.

OP posts:
giyadas · 18/02/2011 00:54

I'm shy. There's a difference between being shy and being uncaring, cold-hearted and selfish.

Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 00:55

oh fuck off - it was 100 years ago.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 18/02/2011 00:55

Sorry JJ, your father is not a great dad from your description, he views his very sucessfull daughter as a nusance, he cheats on your Mum and asks his kids to keep secrets from her, and puts secrets pressure on his children, he sounds like a selfish nasty piece of work to me. How does he view his step grandchildren the same as your half sister, as a nusance who he had not developed a relationship with from birth?

Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 00:56

No - he is really shy, wears dark glasses all the time.

OP posts:
giyadas · 18/02/2011 00:58

You didn't answer my question as to why your dad is exempt from facing nuisance consequences when no-one else is?
It was 100 years ago? what's that supposed to mean?

Catnao · 18/02/2011 00:58

Think you answered someone other than me - I asked how you think he would have reacted if her birth mother had told him at the time that she was pregnant?

reelingintheyears · 18/02/2011 00:59

A nuisance....something to be flicked aside,like a buzzing fly.....nice.

Sorry but he doesn't sound like he's that bothered about your Mum's feelings either.

Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 00:59

He said he would have married her.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 18/02/2011 00:59

He probably did know about his other daughter, judging by his behaviour now.

belowtheparapet · 18/02/2011 01:00

This is so difficult.

I have namechanged as family circs might make me easy to identify.

My grandmother had a child in the 1920s before she married my grandfather. Child was adopted by a family in her village. When my GM was 90 she decided to trace child, now 70. Used private detectives who waived fee owing to age of all concerned. My parent and siblings met half sibling, said hi but AFAIK have not really maintained contact.

That's one side: BM traces child.

Now, my DH and DSIL are both adopted.

DH's BM made it clear in adoption notes she was up for him getting in touch when older. He did and they had a good relationship (they were kindred spirits and filled the gap he had always felt at being nothing like his adoptive parents, lovely as they are) from his early 20s until she died about 10yrs ago. She gave him his BDad's details - he got in touch and his BD wrote back to acknowledge but to say he couldn't really strike up a relationship owing to new family situation. Think DH thought this was a bit weak but respected it (BD had disappeared by the time BM found out she was pg but she had written and told him. She had DH at one of those bad girls' homes, though I don't think they were quite as bad in the UK as the Irish ones.)

So there we have BM giving out BD info, although in this instance BM was the 'good guy' and BD the 'bad guy'.

DSIL didn't have the open door to BM that DH did, though of course she knew who she was. She had a friend track down BM and get in touch in her behalf but BM just wasn't interested. No info on BD but I guess she can't help wondering if BD would have been the 'good guy' to BM's 'bad guy'.

JJ17 I sympathise with your not wanting a hnd-grenade thrown into your family dynamic. But no matter how happy one's adoptive situation, adopted children (and don't even get me started on the adoptive parents who don't tell their children the truth) wonder about their origins. I'm not adopted but there were times (particularly as a teenager) when I thought 'Who are these parents? They are nothing like me!'. The difference is that as you get older you can see that actually they are like you (or vice versa) after all. Adopted children may never feel that connection, no matter how much they love their adoptive parents.

Sorry for the essay.

ThatVikRinA22 · 18/02/2011 01:01

what was a 100 years ago? who are you telling to fuck off?

so him being shy and wearing dark glasses excuses cheating, fathering a child and then avoiding all responsiblity for that child like the plague? calling her a nuisance? whose fault does he think it is?

of course you think he is a nice man - he is your dad. but im afraid from the outside he doesnt sound very nice at all, its made me realise that perhaps not knowing who my father is perhaps isnt a bad thing. id be devestated if he turned out to have the same attitude.

reelingintheyears · 18/02/2011 01:01

He wears dark glasses all the time?

Is this a wind up??