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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder about Adult Adoptees

191 replies

JJ17 · 17/02/2011 22:49

Ok

Phew - whoever pulled it - thank you.

My "problem" is that my Dad is really shaken.

Yes, he had a shag, yes people have to take responsibilties for shags but she was adopted out and therefore my Dad did not know. The b-Mum did know and did not let Dad know.

OP posts:
Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 01:01

He is bothered about Mum's feelings.

Well - rather than basting me - what about me asking him to meet her for coffee?

OP posts:
Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 01:02

He wears fucking dark glasses because he has macular degeneration.

OP posts:
Catnao · 18/02/2011 01:03

Well I don't know. He sounds horrible to me, but I don't know him obviously.

Hope it all works out OK for your family and your half sister anyway.

reelingintheyears · 18/02/2011 01:03

You did imply that he wears dark glasses because he is shy.

MummieHunnie · 18/02/2011 01:04

JJ he is more worried that he will get a bollocking from your Mother than sparing her feelings! If he cared about her he would not have CHEATED!

Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 01:05

He is lovely, he just didn't know that someone would blast themselves all over our website.

He had a shag when he was 22 - didn't we all? It doesn't normally bite you in the arse 50 odd years later.

OP posts:
Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 01:07

MH - yes, he CHEATED 50 odd years ago.

OP posts:
reelingintheyears · 18/02/2011 01:08

And when it does (bite us in the arse) we have to take responsibility for it.

And fess up to our Partners.

MummieHunnie · 18/02/2011 01:08

He had a shag with somone who knew enough that 50 years later he could be traced by his daughter he finds a nusance, he was also engaged to your Mother at the time and cheated on her, it was not a one off shag then was it? His other daughter was a result of a relationship with your half sisters Mum behind your Mum's back, and probably not the only one.

Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 01:08

Before they were married.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 18/02/2011 01:10

So JJ, using your own language it was 50 odd years ago before your parents were married, irrelevant as a relationship, so if it was nothing why can't your mother be told?

reelingintheyears · 18/02/2011 01:11

MH...will you please spell nuisance properly.Grin

Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 01:11

So what, sailors shag away. They certainly did in the 50s.

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 18/02/2011 01:11

why did you start this thread jj17? what do you want people to say?

i am in that nuisance womans position, though i am unlikely ever to find out who my biological father is/was

i have 2 children who have no idea of their heritage. i have a whole biological side that im never going to find out about, i have no idea of medical history, nor will my children, or my childrens children. this is a nuisance too.

im really quite shocked that anyone can think this is excusable behaviour. yes people make mistakes, but to simply blot them out, pretend it didnt happen and be so blatantly horrible about them is quite shocking.

reelingintheyears · 18/02/2011 01:12

Before they were married...

So what is the problem??

Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 01:12

Because my mother is - not to be told. She is mentally weird OK?

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 18/02/2011 01:14

im starting to think this is a wind up...

iscream · 18/02/2011 01:14

I understand wanting to protect your mother, but not your father. If I had a half sister I would be thrilled to meet her. Even if I did keep it a secret from my mother. If she will never find out, what is the harm?

giyadas · 18/02/2011 01:15

and shags result in pregnancy, just like they did 50 years ago, even if you're a sailor. why is your dad exempt from facing the consequences?

LadyWellian · 18/02/2011 01:15

Yes, JJ, and in the 50s there was no possibility of abortion unless you wanted to risk bleeding to death.

And no contraceptive pills.

So contraception was entirely the man's responsibility.

And if the man was irresponsible, consequences are all but inevitable. No matter how much of a 'nuisance' those consequences might later become.

Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 01:16

Vicar - why did I start this thread?

Good question - it bugs me that there is a nice woman out there wanting something from my lovely Dad that I know he won't and can't give. I can't give it too. I feel nothing for her even though she is a blood relation. I feel sorry for her and sorry for us that this happened at all.

OP posts:
reelingintheyears · 18/02/2011 01:17

Secrets in famlies always come out in one way or another.

Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 01:19

It's not about secret - it's about an absence of feeling. For the bsister, I have sisters.

OP posts:
reelingintheyears · 18/02/2011 01:21

But it is a secret if you are not telling your Mum.

And everyone else knows.

ThatVikRinA22 · 18/02/2011 01:21

actually you have opened my eyes. i have spent a very very long time wishing i could trace my biological father.

its not going to happen, and i accept that, but i think it would have been a double blow if he had taken the same attitude as your father.

she probably feels nothing too, other than curiosity and a whole host of unanswered questions. i know thats how i feel. i know i would not feel anything for the relatives i know i have and who dont know me - why should either i or they feel anything? but i would want answers. and some possible contact to see if there was anything at all positive to come out of finding out who they were, friendship even, maybe a long way down the line.

i find it hard to hear that through no fault of her own this woman is considered a mere nuisance.