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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder about Adult Adoptees

191 replies

JJ17 · 17/02/2011 22:49

Ok

Phew - whoever pulled it - thank you.

My "problem" is that my Dad is really shaken.

Yes, he had a shag, yes people have to take responsibilties for shags but she was adopted out and therefore my Dad did not know. The b-Mum did know and did not let Dad know.

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 17/02/2011 23:39

No, you have no right whatsoever. She is the victim in this, it is her right to choose not to contact her mother if she wishes, and to contact her father similarly. You are just a bystander in this, it is between her dad and her. He fucked up and has to make up for it. Yo need to get a grip and stop trying to turn the innocent victim into the villain of this just because you can't cope with the idea of your daddy being infallible.

Catnao · 17/02/2011 23:39

inconvenience

Catnao · 17/02/2011 23:40

What Loopy said.

MrsAlanKey · 17/02/2011 23:40

If she had contacted her Irish peasant mother, would that make it easier for your Dad to tell your mum that he cheated on her?

cath476 · 17/02/2011 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

giyadas · 17/02/2011 23:43

Put yourself in her position. It's natural to want to know about your birth parents. I would like to know my real parents yet I'm aware that it would probably be difficult to just appear. If it was the choice between meeting one parent who clearly had problems and one who seemed to be quite together, which one would you choose if you wanted to cause less grief?

Original poster
JJ17 · 17/02/2011 23:46

Mrs Alan Key - yes - possibly, why not contact her Irish peasant mother and her 5 other half sisters? She has the answers surely?

Where are the answers?

No, my father is obviously not on the birth certificate. But the bMum gave enough information to identify him at the m/baby home.

OP posts:
CrispyCakeHead · 17/02/2011 23:48

could you please answer my question (asked for the third time) about how you plan to shield your mum from what is already "public" knowledge?

cath476 · 17/02/2011 23:49

Just re-reading this thread - op - I can kind of understand your mother's reasoning with regards to her bm. I can see from my birthfather's facebook page that he leads the type of life that I do not really want involvement in and this is one reason I haven't made contact. She may have felt that for reasons related to her job, that the bm's familt may not have been as discreet. (judgy? yes, probably but understandable in the circumstances)

MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 23:50

OP, I think I have worked out who your half sister is through the info you leaked so far, I won't say anything, the thing is you don't know who has read the info and what they will do with it, it is very easy to work out! If she is who I think she is, there are other reasons behind why she is not going ot contact her Irish family. I think you need to delete this thread, and stop discussing her, and speak to a counsellor about the issues, as your Mum will find out which is what you and your dad don't want.

Original poster
JJ17 · 17/02/2011 23:52

giyadas - I know, I'm sorry, I do understand. One of my mates is a bMum and I really do get it. But I think it is different with bDads - especially, like with my Dad, they are really just unwitting sperm doners.

Dad has given her all the photos of himself, his parents and all the medical information.

For most adoptees that is a lot isn't it?

OP posts:
MrsAlanKey · 17/02/2011 23:53

What answers?

I thought she wanted to meet her bio dad so that is why she contacted him. Meeting or not meeting her mum is irrelevent to that.

cory · 17/02/2011 23:54

You seem to feel very protective and maternal towards your father - is it just his physical frailty or has he aged very rapidly? (have a 78yo father with dodgy eyesight myself, but tbh can't imagine not thinking of him as an adult, who makes his own decisions).

Original poster
JJ17 · 17/02/2011 23:54

crispycakehead - sorry - didn't see it. She is not internet "au fait" and never will be. Anything else we will say is nonsense. She is deaf so unless they go at her with sign language we are safe.

OP posts:
reelingintheyears · 17/02/2011 23:56

I wass adopted 51 years ago this month.

I was 6 weeks old..

I would not dream of announcing myself to my 'birth family' without alot of soul searching.

My family are the people who wanted me and brought me up.

I have no idea of the circumstances of my conception and birth and i know vey well that times/attitudes were very different then.

Once you have been adopted you don't have a 'claim' on your BPs lives and just because the OPs Dad is her biological Father doesn't mean he has fucked up it just means he was a normal bloke who had a shag.

I also don't see why the adopted sister is viewed as a 'victim' unless she had an awful adoption/life.

And lots of biological children have awful lives too.

And unfortunatley have to learn to live with it....

CrispyCakeHead · 17/02/2011 23:57

pfft; you are obviously avoiding the difficult to answer questions and not interested in anyone's opinion, which begs the question why you posted in the first place; the fact that the majority of posters would disagree with you surely hasn't come as a surprise?

I wish you and your Dad all the best in trying to placate your mum when the inevitable happens and she finds out and actually, perhaps your half sister is better off out of it.

CrispyCakeHead · 17/02/2011 23:59

cross post. thanks for answering but Hmm

leaving the thread now.

Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 00:00

someone has PMd me - can someone help me please to get there and read it?

OP posts:
reelingintheyears · 18/02/2011 00:02

JJ17...

Your Dad was a 'sperm donor'..

That does sort of imply a certain guilt on the part of the Mother..

I somehow doubt she wanted to get pregnant.

In the words of Jeremy Vile...

He could have put something on the end of it.

Even way back then.

MummieHunnie · 18/02/2011 00:05

It was me JJ, you need to click on the yellow envelope with the red spot on it in the top of this screen by INBOX!

Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 00:07

reeling in the years - thank you - I don't see my bsister as a victim but neither is she my "sister". My sisters I got pissed with in my youth, shared secrets about who we had shagged, shared make up, talked about how much we hated our mum and dad. Then grew up and talked about our kids and careers, and partners and how to care for our parents.

bSister has had a great life and is more or less just "ticking boxes" with us - which I understand.

But I don't feel that my Dad, as her bfather, owes her more than a kindly nod, an acknowledgement and some medical information and photos.

OP posts:
Catnao · 18/02/2011 00:07

Your dad had sex with a woman which resulted in your half sister's life - so if she wants to get in contact with her father, I think that is her right, and since it has resulted in rejection, she may well feel that she has found her answers and has tried and now can move on iyswim - but I do think it was up to her whether she wanted to try or not, and she didn't exactly rock up on your mum and dad's doorstep and say "Hi daddy!" did she?

Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 00:08

crispycakehead - I have answered you surely?

OP posts:
Original poster
JJ17 · 18/02/2011 00:11

crispycakehead - I can see you - let me check back through your messages

OP posts:
giyadas · 18/02/2011 00:12

I'm sorry but your last sentence comes across as unfeeling and nasty, but I haven't read the last thread or know the circumstances. It's very likely I'm projecting but your bsister didn't ask for any of this. her Bparents are responsible for this situation, why shouldn't they face it?