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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder about Adult Adoptees

191 replies

JJ17 · 17/02/2011 22:49

Ok

Phew - whoever pulled it - thank you.

My "problem" is that my Dad is really shaken.

Yes, he had a shag, yes people have to take responsibilties for shags but she was adopted out and therefore my Dad did not know. The b-Mum did know and did not let Dad know.

OP posts:
Original poster
JJ17 · 17/02/2011 23:19

Cory - I get it but I know my Mum - she would not have it.

Dad and I talked about meeting her if she comes to London for a coffee.

One of my sisters met her and then the relationship dropped, they had nothing in common. My sister took a photo on her phone and showed me and we agreed she must have taken afer her Mum's family.

I may speak to my Dad again and tell him I would meet him with her. But for my Dad, he doesn't want to, maybe I would make him do it for her.

But it could never be out in the open. By which I mean, we could disguise it as a "coffee/work" meeting.

What makes me cross is why did she search out Dad rather than her bMum?

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 23:21

So you have known about this for some time then if another sister has met the half sister? So it is not a shock then OP? Why post about it now?

ThreIsNoSpoon · 17/02/2011 23:21

Suggest thread is moved to OTBT. A link has been made to here that would render the non naming pointless if the original thread was seen.

Dylthan · 17/02/2011 23:21

I also don't know why you feel that you need to shield your father from this like he was a child.

Surely you can respect him as a grown man who has to face up to his responsibilities.

LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 17/02/2011 23:22

How do you know she didn't look for her mother, and what right do you have to get cross about that?

grippingon · 17/02/2011 23:22

JJ17 - why does it make you cross she searched for her dad rather than her mum? Now that really is YBU.....

BoysAreLikeDogs · 17/02/2011 23:23

this is most odd

it's not a shock out of the blue thing if a sibling has met her

there is more to this

MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 23:24

If you meet her op, you can ask her why she has not sought out her bm?

You say the bm was Irish? If she was a Catholic, and her family were ashamed of her then she may if she was in Ireland have gone into the horrible laundry's saw a drama about them, and the records may not be so easy to chase as English records.

LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 17/02/2011 23:26

Or, maybe she doesn't want to meet the BM because she can't cope with the fact that her mother gave her up for adoption? Perfectly reasonable and none of OP's business. Or perhaps she's not around any more. Either way, you're not coming across as terribly empathetic, OP.

MrsAlanKey · 17/02/2011 23:26

I think your sisters wants/needs/rights knock your dad's into a cocked hat.

Its not her fault he cheated on your mum and didn't stick around long enough to find out about the pregnancy. Its also not her fault that he is 78 and frail and upset and he doesn't want to own up to his wife that he was shagging around.

scotsgirl23 · 17/02/2011 23:26

Maybe she feels her mum has "rejected" her by having her adopted, but doesn't feel the same about your dad as he didn't know, so he was the easier person to approach? Possibly less fear of rejection?

(please, no adoptees take offence at the use of the word rejected, I just don't know how better to phrase it)

BoysAreLikeDogs · 17/02/2011 23:28

scotsgirl don't apologise, I have a friend who is adopted and she has issues around abandonment and rejection x

Original poster
JJ17 · 17/02/2011 23:29

MummieHunnie - I suppose I was goaded into revealing more than I should have by Jamie LeeCurtis who thought I was lying. I shouldn't have and I regret it.

Also, why should it be a shock thing, she is in email contact with me and I feel very conflicted about it and have told no-one, not even my best friend, so wanted to talk about it on Mumsnet. Didn't know things had to be super-current. My Dad spoke to me about it today so it is on my mind.

LoopyLoops - she told me that she did not look for her mother. Although she did search and found that she has 5 sisters on that side who she has chosen not to contact.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 23:30

Have you asked her why in your emails to her?

LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 17/02/2011 23:31

So why does that make you cross? I'm sorry, but how dare you get cross for that? Why should she justify herself to you?

CrispyCakeHead · 17/02/2011 23:31

"if she comes to London" surely her job makes that pretty inevitable?

Can I ask again how can you shield your mum from this if people at work know? you need to convince your Dad to tell your Mum; regardless of how she might react, she has a right to hear it from the family rather than from someone else (or worse read it in the gutter press!). and I'm sure her reaction to finding out that everyone knows about it and has kept it from her will be far worse than any reaction to hearing about it in the first place.

Why would it bother you that she hasn't contacted ber birth mother? Perhaps she felt it was a dead-end? Perhaps she has already and her birth mother doesn't want to know, but she doesn't want others knowing that? Do you feel she has no right to contact her father too? They are both her biological parents at the end of the day

MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 23:33

My Why question is why is the innocent in all of this your half sister, being scapegaoted by you and your father for his cheating and keeping secrets from your Mother? He has been found out, it is not her fault he is not in good health now, it is something he has to deal with.

Original poster
JJ17 · 17/02/2011 23:33

MummieHunnie - yes I have, she said because she felt that her Bmum's Irish side might be unpredictable and she could see from our website that we were self sufficient, educated and middle class.

OP posts:
Original poster
JJ17 · 17/02/2011 23:34

LoopyLoops - I have known my parents for 41 years - I have every right.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 23:35

Blimey that is an odd idea about her bm's family, maybe she has issues with regards to NI and IRA from the past?

Original poster
JJ17 · 17/02/2011 23:36

MH - I think it is more to do with gossip and small towns

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 23:36

You are feeling jealous and pushed out by your big sister who has been adopted and you are aged 41?

MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 23:38

She is right, the shame would be horrific for her half sisters in a small irish town! now who your half sister is, more that there was an out of wedlock child.

Original poster
JJ17 · 17/02/2011 23:39

MH - I think you are being mean - I want to protect my Dad from what he sees as a "mistake". I have 2 older sisters.

OP posts:
Catnao · 17/02/2011 23:39

IMHO, clearly none of this is your half sister's fault, and yes, you may want to protect your mum, but this is your dad's responsibilty, and for your half sister to know that she is a major inconvinience for all of you must feel quite devastating. So I think, yes, you are BU.