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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re MIL and wedding?

136 replies

changeroonie · 16/02/2011 15:44

Hello all, I am a regular poster but have had to namechange for this due to people in RL knowing my usual nickname. Sorry, this will be a long one so get comfortable! Smile

DP and I are getting married at the beginning of July. From the word go my parents expressed their desire to pay for the reception. They did the same when my two older sisters got married and I know its very generous of them to do the same for us. They've also helped us loads with the planning/arrangements, and everything has been so much easier thanks to them.

However, DP's parents haven't contributed a thing, not just money but anything at all, and neither of them even bring the wedding up in conversation unless DP or I do first. The problem is the demands MIL is making on us, which I feel are unreasonable since she has contributed nothing to the wedding or its planning.

A few examples:

  • DP has told everyone he intends to get ready in our home with his best man only, and that the two of them will be making their own way to church to greet our guests as they arrive. I will be getting ready in my parent's house, then a car will arive to take my DF and I to church, and another for my DM and bridesmaids. I mentioned this to MIL and she said "well what time will FIL and I's car be arriving?" I had to explain that we had not booked a car for them, to which she replied "oooh well we have to have our own car, it is my son's wedding after all" Shock I gather DP and I are supposed to be paying for this car then?
  • I told MIL we had chosen beef as part of the main course at the reception, reply: "I would prefer chicken, can you change it?" GRRR.
  • When I was going shopping with my bridesmaids to buy their dresses MIL stated "oh no I won't be able to make it that day to get my outfit, we'll have to go another time - don't worry I won't choose anything too expensive for you" Shock There is no way I am paying for her outfit, haven't brought it up with her again since and luckily neither has she... yet. Oh and I should probably mention here I'm not paying for my own DM's outfit either!
  • MIL wants to invite long lost family members that DP hasn't seen since he was a baby. DP explained to her that we don't have room to accommodate them at the reception, as it is close family and friends only, but to compromise we would invite them to the evening party if she wished. Que massive strop and the suggestion that there are more of my family members coming than DP's - this is true but I have a larger family and we both actually know them (also DP has more friends coming than I do to even out the balance).

These are just a few of many examples.
I can imagine MIL's face on the day when she dresses in clothes she has bought herself, no car arrives to collect them, then she sits down to a meal she didn't choose herself. It would be almost funny if I didn't think her moody strops have the potential to ruin our day. In a way I almost feel sorry for her as I think she just wants to feel involved. However anything I've asked for her help with (e.g. her ideas on flowers, music, cake, anything just to get her involved) she practically turns her nose up at and doesn't seem the least bit interested.

AIBU or is she? Should we give in and let her have the things she wants to ensure a happy smiling MIL on our wedding photos?

Another thing I'm worrying about is that on the day I intend to get my DM a big bunch of flowers to say thanks for all her help, and something for my DF too. It would be so embarrassing to leave PILs out but seriously they've done nothing to help out with this wedding (and also I don't want to undermine all the effort my parents have gone to by thanking PILs for nothing!)

WWYD?

Sorry about how long this is! Blush

OP posts:
BuzzLiteBeer · 16/02/2011 15:50

I'd tell her to go fuck herself, personally.

cornslik · 16/02/2011 15:50

I love a good MIL/wedding thread. This one's a belter

LaWeaselMys · 16/02/2011 15:51

No - you should not pay for things they want but you don't.

Yes - you probably should thank them, even if it's just to say "for bringing up such a wonderful son" or they will be embarassed. We didn't plan our speeches well at all, and I think we left PIL out a bit which was unfair of us. Although they didn't demand we do anything either, they were just too far away to reasonably help with most stuff!

pointissima · 16/02/2011 15:53

I think that you should pay for a car (need not be a grand one) to take PIL to the wedding; and you should buy her a lovely bunch of flowers the same as your mother's. Be gracious.

Apart from that, I would ignore her!

TrillianAstra · 16/02/2011 15:53

Clothes that she has bought herself?! Shock

How can you even think such a thing would be acceptable?

It's your wedding, not hers. In your place I would be glad that she was not contributing financially (and certainly don't mention it to her) because if she were then she would think she had even more say in the way that things should be done.

Kewcumber · 16/02/2011 15:55

Can't you just say - you need to discuss that with DP?

I think passive agressive on the flowers is the way to go... Flwoers for your DM with thanks for how hard they have worked on the wedding and flowers for MIl with Thanks (as weasel suggested) for raising such a lovely bloke.

MmeLindt · 16/02/2011 15:55

I would be tempted to do as Buzz suggests.

BUT practical advice:

You will not be paying for her dress/car. Tell her now. You have a budget and you have to stick to it. Don't budge on it.

"Sorry, MIL, but we have decided on the beef, but there is a veg option if you would prefer that".

Ignore the suggestion of extra guests. Just ignore.

Get both mums a bunch of flowers, even though she is not helping. Your Mum will know that you are grateful for her help, leaving MIL out would be a massive snub.

Sidge · 16/02/2011 15:55

Tell her it's not traditional to buy the mothers' outfits, nor for the groom's parents to travel in the wedding cars.

As for wanting chicken just tell her the menu has been chosen and is unchangeable.

I think you have to be like a broken record - "thank you but it's our wedding, we shall have things as we would like them. I appreciate your opinions but I have chosen xxxx and xxxx".

queribus · 16/02/2011 15:56

I agree with Buzz.

Cars only for the bridal party.

She should definitely buy her own outfit.

I guess you have a veggie option at the reception - offer her that instead.

Stand firm on family members and numbers.

TBH - I would rack back on huge bunch of flowers and presents for your mum and dad on the day. That could look a bit like you're rubbing it in that your parents were wonderful and she was a pain in the arse (although that would seem to be true!).

themildmanneredjanitor · 16/02/2011 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber · 16/02/2011 15:56

Does your DM have a car booked for her? If so can;t they share?

pommedeterre · 16/02/2011 15:57

Hmm. Think it's hard. I started off trying to include MIL in everything. When I asked if she wanted her hair done with me and bridesmaids as DM was coming too she made a huge fuss about 'little old me never get my hair done etc etc'. Then she said yes, and my two friends. I had to pay for it all.
My DM insisted on including her in the cars to get to wedding and my parents paid for all the cars. I wouldn't have asked as by then had given up on her.
I wouldn't have however sone flowers for my parents and not for PILS. Can't you send your parents flowers the day after or something?

cornslik · 16/02/2011 15:57

do parents really travel in wedding cars?

NotAnotherNewNappy · 16/02/2011 15:58

Where to start?!

YANBU, your MIL is a loon - why has your DP not said anything to her? Surely he is embarassed by her behaviour?

It is not traditional to hire the groom's family a car or pay for the MIL's outfit - she is TTP.

I take it you are having a veggie option? Get her this instead of the chicken, if she protests, politely explain it is not an a la carte menu.

Re the extra guests - you are being v generous to invite these hangers on to the evening. Be careful she doesn't invite too many people without your knowledge.

Re the gift presentation at the reception - make sure you list what you are thanking your parents for when you present them with their flowers.

Re smiling MIL in photos - so not an issue. She'll only be in the group shot (so small you won't notice she has a sour face on) and one other 'groom and his family' shot - which I guarentee will never go on display in your marital homeGrin

moomaa · 16/02/2011 15:58

Yes give her flowers as it is a snub otherwise, but don't buy her outfit or get her a car, it's just not expected.

MirandaGoshawk · 16/02/2011 15:59

OK - in no particular order:

If it were my son I would want a fancy car too, but I would expect to arrange it and pay for it.

She pays for her own outfit.

Beef - not everyone's cup of tea. Tell her that chicken is not on the menu but that there is a nice veggie option. (There is, isn't there?)

Get her some flowers.

Finally - so, she's not enthusiastic about the wedding, then? Nothing you do will ensure that she is happy in the photos.

scotsgirl23 · 16/02/2011 15:59

As far as I'm aware it's not tradition to have a car for the PIL. My MIL went in one of our cars, but only because my bridesmaids and I got ready at her house and there was enough space in the car with the BMs

I thought the norm was just cars for the bride/dad of bride, and bridesmaids?

funtimewincies · 16/02/2011 15:59

I'd give public thanks but private flowers to your DM and DF. Choose your battles Grin.

Trying to remember what happened about cars at mine...I think that dad and I went from my house in one, my DM and the bridesmaids went in another and we booked an independent taxi driver who we knew had a well-looked after car to drive dh's parents to the church and then on to the recepetion.

Pay for her frock - she's trying that one on Shock! The meal, well, as my DM was fond of saying to me as a child, 'like it, lump it or leave it' Grin.

If she wants to strop, let her. She can only spoil your day if you allow her to get under your skin. Is your fiance bothered?

MirandaGoshawk · 16/02/2011 16:01

Oooh, I forgot the extra guests: Your day, your way.

Tell her you hope there will be a family party sometime where you get to meet everyone.

fatlazymummy · 16/02/2011 16:01

I would just make your own choices. However you should be quite clear about what you are and are not paying for, so she understands what she needs to buy/do.
I would also buy her a lovely bouquet. Not to do so would look petty and would possibly reflect on your husband. They are still your partners parents.

Maryz · 16/02/2011 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SenoritaViva · 16/02/2011 16:04

I would also want to tell her to go fuck herself over everything. In my lovely MN world that is exactly what I would do.

In real life:

Food - your decision, she can lump it, or eat veggie.

Cars - well that isn't normal for In Laws, what you'll find is that she suddenly assume she's changing at yours too. Yes, if she was changing at yours then it might be odd not to have got a car for her too.

Buy her clothes - WTF??????

Wedding List - tell her there are X number for her family and no more. You chose the ones you knew and that is that. If she really wants to change it she can discuss but she doesn't actually get more people.

Flowers on the day - yeah, I'd do the thanks for DH thing (and think I've got the upper hand as a result).

The other thing for you to do is, COME WHAT MAY DO NOT... let the witch ruin your day.

SenoritaViva · 16/02/2011 16:05

Oh yeah and just in case you were wondering YANBU!

corygal · 16/02/2011 16:05

YANBU MIL TTP.

BottleOfRum · 16/02/2011 16:05

Oooooh I love a good MIL/wedding thread too. Please make sure you comeback with updates in the run up to the wedding, and other nutty things MIL tries to insist on doing.

Explain about the cars - how your parents will be getting in a car because you are getting ready at THEIR home with your bridesmaids. If its possible, tell your PIL's that if they want to turn up at X o'clock, they can ride in the cars also, but its not possible for you to arrange for extra cars to pick them up from their home.

Definitely buy flowers for MIL, but use Weasel's suggestion of thanking them for their lovely son, whilst thanking your own mother for all her hard work.

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