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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re MIL and wedding?

136 replies

changeroonie · 16/02/2011 15:44

Hello all, I am a regular poster but have had to namechange for this due to people in RL knowing my usual nickname. Sorry, this will be a long one so get comfortable! Smile

DP and I are getting married at the beginning of July. From the word go my parents expressed their desire to pay for the reception. They did the same when my two older sisters got married and I know its very generous of them to do the same for us. They've also helped us loads with the planning/arrangements, and everything has been so much easier thanks to them.

However, DP's parents haven't contributed a thing, not just money but anything at all, and neither of them even bring the wedding up in conversation unless DP or I do first. The problem is the demands MIL is making on us, which I feel are unreasonable since she has contributed nothing to the wedding or its planning.

A few examples:

  • DP has told everyone he intends to get ready in our home with his best man only, and that the two of them will be making their own way to church to greet our guests as they arrive. I will be getting ready in my parent's house, then a car will arive to take my DF and I to church, and another for my DM and bridesmaids. I mentioned this to MIL and she said "well what time will FIL and I's car be arriving?" I had to explain that we had not booked a car for them, to which she replied "oooh well we have to have our own car, it is my son's wedding after all" Shock I gather DP and I are supposed to be paying for this car then?
  • I told MIL we had chosen beef as part of the main course at the reception, reply: "I would prefer chicken, can you change it?" GRRR.
  • When I was going shopping with my bridesmaids to buy their dresses MIL stated "oh no I won't be able to make it that day to get my outfit, we'll have to go another time - don't worry I won't choose anything too expensive for you" Shock There is no way I am paying for her outfit, haven't brought it up with her again since and luckily neither has she... yet. Oh and I should probably mention here I'm not paying for my own DM's outfit either!
  • MIL wants to invite long lost family members that DP hasn't seen since he was a baby. DP explained to her that we don't have room to accommodate them at the reception, as it is close family and friends only, but to compromise we would invite them to the evening party if she wished. Que massive strop and the suggestion that there are more of my family members coming than DP's - this is true but I have a larger family and we both actually know them (also DP has more friends coming than I do to even out the balance).

These are just a few of many examples.
I can imagine MIL's face on the day when she dresses in clothes she has bought herself, no car arrives to collect them, then she sits down to a meal she didn't choose herself. It would be almost funny if I didn't think her moody strops have the potential to ruin our day. In a way I almost feel sorry for her as I think she just wants to feel involved. However anything I've asked for her help with (e.g. her ideas on flowers, music, cake, anything just to get her involved) she practically turns her nose up at and doesn't seem the least bit interested.

AIBU or is she? Should we give in and let her have the things she wants to ensure a happy smiling MIL on our wedding photos?

Another thing I'm worrying about is that on the day I intend to get my DM a big bunch of flowers to say thanks for all her help, and something for my DF too. It would be so embarrassing to leave PILs out but seriously they've done nothing to help out with this wedding (and also I don't want to undermine all the effort my parents have gone to by thanking PILs for nothing!)

WWYD?

Sorry about how long this is! Blush

OP posts:
Oobis · 16/02/2011 16:35

Is it possible to have a family meal with DP, your parents and PIL? Then you can all sit and discuss what has and hasn't been booked and expectations laid out publicly - this could shame her into trying to intimidate you, particularly if she airs her expectation of having her outfit provided for her! I take it she is paying for all of the flowers, perhaps you/your parents could discuss this too?

All in all, this is one day. The preparations will be stressful, but this is about you marrying your DP and having a long and happy marriage. Do endeavour to get what you and DP want, but don't burn any bridges along the way! And remember that this is as much DP's problem as yours - don't take on the world on your own. Good luck with it all, breath in, smile, breath out!

Original poster
changeroonie · 16/02/2011 16:38

Thanks for all your responses so far!

Buzz - I've thought about it many, many times, believe me! Grin

Re the cars - my DM will be going with my bridesmaids, there isn't any room left in the car so I would definitely have to book another one in order to provide transportation for PILs (still considering this)

I love the idea of offering her the veggie meal Smile - I can already imagine the look on her face when she finds out we're not changing just to suit her!

themildmanneredjanitor - she is a mother of only sons too, which is why I thought it would be nice for her to involve her, only she doesn't appear to be the slightest bit interested in the finer points of wedding planning, all she wants is a nice outfit, transport, and a nice meal, not to mention using our wedding as an excuse for a family reunion!

Thanks for all your suggestions about the flowers - I will definitely get her some, just don't want to be embarrassed thanking my DM for all her hard work and thanking MIL for... turning up??! I like the idea of thanking her for raising her lovely son though Smile

To those who asked about DP's views on this... it was DP who told MIL that no other relatives not already invited would be coming. He has told me that whatever I decide about the other things is fine with him. Tbh I think she has been this way his whole life so he just ignores her.

MissyKLo I am definitely not paying for any extra guests! If they turn up regardless they will have nowhere to sit and no meal! Also, I love how your PILs didn't sit at your top table!

I knew I wasn't going mad about MIL's outfit!!

OP posts:
Original poster
changeroonie · 16/02/2011 16:41

CarolinaRua - just spotted your question...

I wouldn't say they were well off, but they're 'comfortable' Smile

OP posts:
Clytaemnestra · 16/02/2011 16:41

My Grandma was didn?t want the lamb or the veggie option, as she said she couldn?t digest red meat and she wanted chicken. Which was fine, she?s my Grandma and I love her so we set up and paid for a special fancy chicken option for her with the caterers.

When it arrived at her table she said to the waiter ?Oh no dear, I don?t think that?s for me, I asked for one of those lovely lamb dishes everyone else has?.

Bless her Hmm

oldraver · 16/02/2011 16:42

FWIW.. My MIL took massive offense for... sending her an invite to the wedding. Now I always thought it was the done thing as it was MY folks inviting them to the wedding of their daughter and I thought she would want the invite as a keepsake, but all I got for weeks was "How dare they/what a cheek to invite us to our sons wedding". This was the family where non of them knew what RSVP was Hmm

cornslik · 16/02/2011 16:43

oldraver who did you hear it from? that's a classic

Original poster
changeroonie · 16/02/2011 16:48

Debs75 yes I normally get on with her perfectly well, but I don't think we'll ever be close.

oldraver thats brilliant Grin

OP posts:
StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 16/02/2011 16:48

Regarding the guests she wants to invite - when dh and I got married we let my parents and my pil choose 10 guests each, so that they could have some of their friends there, and that worked very well for us. If you can give in a bit on something, it might make it easier to refuse her wishes regarding car, outfit etc.

My own mum didn't expect me to buy her outfit and neither did my lovely mil. All of us walked to the wedding, so cars weren't an issue.

diddl · 16/02/2011 16:48

I might include ILs with the car if poss.

But if you just have the one, it takes the B&G to the reception & that´s it?

So whoever goes to the church in it then needs to find a way from the church to the reception.

My ILs drove themselves & my (almost) husband to the church so that they had transport to the reception.

IIRC they then took my Mum & Dad to the reception.

SenoritaViva · 16/02/2011 16:49

Oldraver, that is a classic! Grin

bedubabe · 16/02/2011 16:53

To be honest I think the car thing is for your df to sort out. My pil got transport to our wedding but only because they got ready with DH. If he's not willing to have them there in the morning then let him explain that to his mother!

EldritchCleavage · 16/02/2011 16:54

I'd be wary of giving in on the car because she seems a bit 'give me an inch and I'll take a few yards' type, from what you've posted. Best not to create any expectations you have no intention of fulfilling. Flowers for her would be a good idea though.

brass · 16/02/2011 17:02

Under no circumstances should you change anything to accommodate her.

If you do you will be making a rod for your own back.

Please don't be a wimp.

LittleMissHissyFit · 16/02/2011 17:02

I think arranging a car would be a nice gesture for you to do.

I am so-so on the meal, I'd have offered a choice tbh, but it is very dependant on the function/caterer, and if you are offering a a veggie option then all well and good. For the sake of a quiet life, I'd probably be inclined to say that you have put the request to the caterer, but then on the day say they have messed up and she has a choice of the beef or the veggie. Grin Advise the caterer you are doing this and that you may have to go through the motions of not being overly happy, but what can we do... add a few shrugs too for effect.. Grin

I didn't buy my DMs dress for my wedding and neither did my sister for hers. Don't get sucked into that, if you buy for one, you will have to buy for the other and between the pair of them with shoes and accessories you will be looking at an easy £1000 at the minimum.

Maybe I have read something wrong, perhaps it's a joke, but I don't get why you would not want them at the top table, that's really not the way to go. Be gracious, it won't kill you and tbh if everyone knows she is a bit poisonous, you standing up in a room singing her praises without any real reason to will reflect better on you than petty point scoring.

This is your wedding you would be ruining by silliness. Don't let anyone try it with you either! Smile

Gush and be gracious, this woman may hold a grudge and you really don't want to start your married life off on a bad footing.

curlymama · 16/02/2011 17:03

I wouldn't give an inch on the car thing, if they want a special car, why can't they just pay for it themselves?

In fact, I wouldn't give on any of it. We let MIL invite three couples to the whole day of our wedding as dh has no family other than his parents. Dh barely knew them, but obviously didn't want his Mum to be upset and vastly outnumbered by my family. I wish we hadn't let her now tbh, it cost a lot of money to have them there, one of the (married) women, in her 60's, litrally threw herself across the room to catch the bouquet, something I had been quite looking forward to with my single friends and cousins, and another somehow managed to get herself to be right next to us in every photo. We don't even know the bitch! The only benefit it had was that they sat on a table with PIL's so we didn't have to sit with them at the meal.

oldwomaninashoe · 16/02/2011 17:04

I would suggest that PIL's turn up at your place at an arraged time and that your-soon-to-Dh and Best man take them to the wedding.

Actually the Caterers might be quite happy to just cook a chiken breast for her which could just be substituted on her plate.

The outfit request is monstrous.

Don't discuss the wedding with her!

MooMooFarm · 16/02/2011 17:08

So - you say MIL has always been a pain and DP deals with her by ignoring it all - does that work then? Does she eventually stop nagging on and give up? If so, I would do the same....

oldfucker · 16/02/2011 17:08

To those who asked.... she actually said moaned like fuck to my face. She went into a mini rant about how dare we send her an invite, of course she would be at her sons wedding etc etc. She then moaned frequently to DH, and the rest of the large family who relayed it back to me. One of my BIL's actually pulled me up on it saying that Mum was very upset and he agreed with her.

I was tempted to ask for it back Grin. It was all the more annoying as I too tried to involve her (took her to help choose cake) but she wasn't really interested and no offer to pay for anything but demands that we should invite this person etc as she is Grans friend and will keep her company plus other indivuals I didnt know. On my photos I spotted TWO people I didnt know, had to ask DH who sheepishly admitted he knew thye were coming as he had been TOLD. One was his nieces friend so she didnt get lonely FFS what is it with these people needing thier friends at MY wedding. I had already vetoed my SIL inviting her Dad and best mate and FIVE kids

weeper · 16/02/2011 17:13

I think you're definitely doing the right thing trying to be the bigger person re the flowers - it would be awful if you didn't mention her!

Re the meal, when I got married I really didn't want to have chicken, but my lovely inlaws are very fussy with food, and our venue was more than happy to do four chicken dishes for MIL, husband's grandparents and his sister, so it might be possible to make an allowance for them.

She is being a cheeky mare, but if you rise above it you'll hopefully be avoiding a future of recriminations that hark back to your wedding day.

UltimateFucker · 16/02/2011 17:13

Get your MIL some flowers, no to the rest of it.

Original poster
changeroonie · 16/02/2011 17:18

littlemisshissyfit I was joking, of course they'll be at the top table Smile

OWIAS - that's not a bad idea about DP giving them a lift, I'd have to talk to him about it though because I think he's got his heart set on getting ready with his best man and the two of them going together.

I might talk to the caterer about doing a separate chicken just for MIL. I won't be mentioning it to anyone else though - imagine the phone calls with just days to go "mind if I have the chicken too?" Hmm

OP posts:
solooovely · 16/02/2011 17:23

The bride and groom should chose the food. You can't change what everyone is eating just to suit one person. It's pretty standard that if you go to the wedding and don't like the meat dish then you have the veggie, you don't like that then you starve!

Blackduck · 16/02/2011 17:24

I wouldn't give on any of it. No car, no chicken (she'd probably moan anyway) and definately no outfit. Flowers, yes, that is gracious. The rest, no, she is TTP

solooovely · 16/02/2011 17:25

Just saw that you are going to talk to the caterers . . . I wouldn't. Just tell her that the food has been chosen by you and your husband to be and that she can have the veggie option if she prefers.

Booandpops · 16/02/2011 17:28

I'm a wedding photographer and in over 100 weddings I have prob seen only 5 or so with a car for pil. And never heard of couples paying for parents clothes except prehaps dads tail coat hire.

As for flowers I would do it as if you don't you will just be asking for a rockier Rd than need be in the future.