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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re MIL and wedding?

136 replies

changeroonie · 16/02/2011 15:44

Hello all, I am a regular poster but have had to namechange for this due to people in RL knowing my usual nickname. Sorry, this will be a long one so get comfortable! Smile

DP and I are getting married at the beginning of July. From the word go my parents expressed their desire to pay for the reception. They did the same when my two older sisters got married and I know its very generous of them to do the same for us. They've also helped us loads with the planning/arrangements, and everything has been so much easier thanks to them.

However, DP's parents haven't contributed a thing, not just money but anything at all, and neither of them even bring the wedding up in conversation unless DP or I do first. The problem is the demands MIL is making on us, which I feel are unreasonable since she has contributed nothing to the wedding or its planning.

A few examples:

  • DP has told everyone he intends to get ready in our home with his best man only, and that the two of them will be making their own way to church to greet our guests as they arrive. I will be getting ready in my parent's house, then a car will arive to take my DF and I to church, and another for my DM and bridesmaids. I mentioned this to MIL and she said "well what time will FIL and I's car be arriving?" I had to explain that we had not booked a car for them, to which she replied "oooh well we have to have our own car, it is my son's wedding after all" Shock I gather DP and I are supposed to be paying for this car then?
  • I told MIL we had chosen beef as part of the main course at the reception, reply: "I would prefer chicken, can you change it?" GRRR.
  • When I was going shopping with my bridesmaids to buy their dresses MIL stated "oh no I won't be able to make it that day to get my outfit, we'll have to go another time - don't worry I won't choose anything too expensive for you" Shock There is no way I am paying for her outfit, haven't brought it up with her again since and luckily neither has she... yet. Oh and I should probably mention here I'm not paying for my own DM's outfit either!
  • MIL wants to invite long lost family members that DP hasn't seen since he was a baby. DP explained to her that we don't have room to accommodate them at the reception, as it is close family and friends only, but to compromise we would invite them to the evening party if she wished. Que massive strop and the suggestion that there are more of my family members coming than DP's - this is true but I have a larger family and we both actually know them (also DP has more friends coming than I do to even out the balance).

These are just a few of many examples.
I can imagine MIL's face on the day when she dresses in clothes she has bought herself, no car arrives to collect them, then she sits down to a meal she didn't choose herself. It would be almost funny if I didn't think her moody strops have the potential to ruin our day. In a way I almost feel sorry for her as I think she just wants to feel involved. However anything I've asked for her help with (e.g. her ideas on flowers, music, cake, anything just to get her involved) she practically turns her nose up at and doesn't seem the least bit interested.

AIBU or is she? Should we give in and let her have the things she wants to ensure a happy smiling MIL on our wedding photos?

Another thing I'm worrying about is that on the day I intend to get my DM a big bunch of flowers to say thanks for all her help, and something for my DF too. It would be so embarrassing to leave PILs out but seriously they've done nothing to help out with this wedding (and also I don't want to undermine all the effort my parents have gone to by thanking PILs for nothing!)

WWYD?

Sorry about how long this is! Blush

OP posts:
funtimewincies · 16/02/2011 16:07

Oh, I forgot the extra guests too. This is a job for your dh-to-be making it clear that, as he doesn't know the people she's referring to, he will not be inviting them. It's always worth posting a couple of ushers/close friends on the door to greet people if you can't at the evening do so that they can flag up people who look like they might not have been invited (just in case she tries to pull a fast one).

curlymama · 16/02/2011 16:08

I know exactly where you are coming from, had simelar with my MIL at our wedding.

Simple answer is, do nothing.

Don't offer to pay for anything, she will realise closer to the date that she needs to sort herself out. If she wants a car, give her the details of the company you are using and give them strict instructions that if she contacts them that she is to pay for anything she orders herself. If she questions it, tell her that your parents are paying as a gift for the other cars.

Offer her the veggie option at the meal, same as the other guests.

Get the addresses of the people she wants to invite for the evening, tell her you are inviting them, and just invite them to the evening.

Get her flowers to give her at the wedding, not for her benefit, but for your DP's and for the sake of you appearing to be generous to all your other guests. I had to do it for my MIL, it stuck in my throat a lot on the run up to the wedding, but I'm glad on the day we did. It made us look nicer, and there would have been an awkward moment during DH's speech if we hadn't. Btw, I haven't seen or spoken to my MiL since the wedding two years ago, that's how much I dislike her.

Also, you said she doesn't talk about the wedding unless you bring it up, so don't bring it up! The less she knows, the less she has to complain about.

E320 · 16/02/2011 16:09

As far as I remember the groom's family have very little to do with the actual wedding apart from turn up (under their own steam). Is there a suitable page in a wedding magazine with groom's family etiquette that you could leave lying around, or, having checked your facts, present them with a list of items that they would "traditionally" be responsible for?
I am fairly certain, though, that you are not obliged to provide either transportation or clothing for either of them.
Buttonhole for FIL and corsage for MIL is about the limit.
Sounds awful, though, would hate to be in that situation. Good luck!

GloriaSmut · 16/02/2011 16:10

"I love a good MIL/wedding thread. This one's a belter "

corygal · 16/02/2011 16:10

Sounds like you need some real words as well about dealing with difficult people.

Flowers on the day, with lavish thanks for conceiving your DH, is a great idea.

Re the outfit and the other expensive demands: tell her that, much as you'd love to fund a reception for thousands and buy every guest's outfit/her crimplene tent, you can't afford it and/or that everyone is paying for themselves.

If she kicks off (likely), be ready it for it with a stream of platitudes such as 'I understand how you feel' and repeated, endlessly dull, assurances that you are not going to change your mind. Write down and keep post-it by phone if nec.

Failing that, pass her onto your DH to be.

saffy85 · 16/02/2011 16:11

{shock] wtf is she thinking trying to get you to pay for her clothes!? As far as the meal is concerned she can always have the veggie option if there is one. Or she can go down the nearest chippy.

So what if she has a face like a smacked arse in the photos- people will be judging her for sulking at her DS's wedding, not you. I'd refuse to be embarrassed by her. Let her embarrass herself.

As for the car, maybe you could just book a taxi? I wasn't aware of this "tradition" either.

And don't let her invite loads of freeloaders you don't know. It's not her paying for it after all.

manicbmc · 16/02/2011 16:11

Don't give her an inch or she will be plaguing your life with unreasonable demands for every milestone moment.

Also - what Buzz said.

themildmanneredjanitor · 16/02/2011 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 16/02/2011 16:15

Most of the stuff you mentioned was the same with my wedding, except mil didn't say any of that/ have an issue with anything. (and we did buy her outfit but only cause we wanted to treat her to something lovely)

no advice really except stick to your guns, it will probably get worse and you'll never hear the end of it Grin

btw our wedding car went back to the church and collect both sets of parents but we were very close to the reception, if you do want to throw her a bone?)

xstitch · 16/02/2011 16:16

I would probably arrange a car for them but everything else she can take a running jump.

GloriaSmut · 16/02/2011 16:16

It might be worth pointing out (given that MIL appears to be basing her assumptions around a traditional wedding day) that since it is customary for the bride's parents to pay for the wedding, the groom's parents have got off lightly and can sodding well buy their own clothes and drive themselves to the ceremony. If they don't want to eat what I'm assuming is a carefully chosen but meaty main course then they could opt for the veggie choice.

Do make sure she has a bunch of flowers though, everyone who matters will know just how unhelpful she's been but at least you and your dp will own the moral high ground.

GloriaSmut · 16/02/2011 16:18

NB: I wouldn't normally take this attitude, incidentally since I am the mother of sons and would hate to be relegated to some sort of second-class role. But then we don't really do traditional weddings and neither do we do family hierarchy or self-centred grief!

MissyKLo · 16/02/2011 16:20

OH MY GOD
I am open mouthed at her cheek! I really really hope you do not pay for a thing for them. I they want guests they can pay for them! My inlaws also contributed NOTHING to my weddin so they had no guests of their own and no place on my top table. They asked nothing about the wedding and neve offered any help so they got nothing. It was expensive enough as it was!

Please please start as you mean to go on and make it quite clear that as you and your parents are paying for it you will plan it and she can go find her own dress and turn up

You are not thinking of paying for guests she wants are you?!

I empathise as went through this - pm me If you need more info As to how I dealt with it x

CarolinaRua · 16/02/2011 16:21

A bit of both, YANBU to be annoyed by some of her comments but reading between the lines YABU to expect them to contribute to the cost or indeed take as much interest as your parents.
Quick question - are they well off?

To keep the peace I would do the following and would under no circumstances allow an argument to break out.

  • rent a car for them, even a fancy minicab, it'll make them feel special.
  • not buy her outfit, thats unheard of, but tell her that you would be happy to accompany her on he shopping trip
  • tell her that most people prefer beef, its superior to chicken, which can appear cheap.
  • Give her (or let your DH give her) the list with your invitees on one side and his on the other, showing the balance.
-Maybe give her a couple of extra invites if you can
squeakytoy · 16/02/2011 16:22

Since when did anyone apart from the bride get a wedding car TO the wedding... and since when did anyone buy the grooms mother her outfit...

Tell her to jog on....

RantyMcRantpants · 16/02/2011 16:22

Why not get a nice gift and give it to your parents while you are all getting changed.

Get them both flowers. Your Mum's are because she is a wonderful Mum and has helped so much with the wedding. Your MIL's because she produced such a wonderful son.

GloriaSmut · 16/02/2011 16:25

"If they want guests they can pay for them! My inlaws also contributed NOTHING to my weddin so they had no guests of their own and no place on my top table. "

You didn't allow them to sit at the top table? Or let them invite anyone from your husband's side of the family? Christonabike! Yet again I am reminded why I dislike most weddings.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 16/02/2011 16:25

The PIl's car is nothing to do with you whatsoever. They are not part of the wedding party so to speak so do not need a special car. Mine didn't and I like them!

Also, where did she get the idea that you pay for her outfit?? The only time my MIL's outfit was mentioned was when she rang my mother to make sure they weren't both buying lilac or whatever.

I would ignore her. I would understand if she was making demands about things she was entitled to but she isn't, she's making it up as she goes along. You should get her some flowers though. Just make sure the thank you speech to her is worded appropriately!

starfishmummy · 16/02/2011 16:25

Agree with others - it is "traditional" for the briodes mother to travel with the bridesmaids (especially if there are little ones to be looked after) but for the grooms parents to make their own way. I have never heard of the outfir for the grooms mother being paid for either!

I arranged my wedding myself (well with DH) and we asked his mum about her outfit out of courtesy so I could order flowers that would match. She said she didn't care what colour they were so she got the same as everyone else!

She then decided that all of DH's relatives needed buttonholes and just bought them; so they didn't match the ones I bought (I didn't know till I arrived and spotted them). Made the photos easy though - I just said to the photographer that the "important" people were those with the roses......

MrsMooo · 16/02/2011 16:29

Are you marrying my BIL????

Seriously, Curlyma's suggestions are on the money - though just telling her to go fuck herself is also a viable option

MooMooFarm · 16/02/2011 16:30

OMG do you really want to marry the son of this woman??? (only joking!).

But seriously, she is going to be your MIL for a very long time (probably) so it's best to not take any sht from her from the onset. If you don't want to talk to her about it, just ignore, ignore, ignore, or get DP to do it - it's his mother after all. Or tell her you want to follow all the traditions for your wedding - one of which is that the parents of the groom are just guests!* - with no special treatment (maybe don't put it that way)!

Good luck anyway; my MIL started off being only very slightly slightly irritating when I married DH - and now ten years on we don't speak to each other at all (which is lovely!).

E320 · 16/02/2011 16:32

Just had a quick Google for you:

The Groom's Parents
There are no traditional roles for the groom's parents to carry out. In the past it was an accepted obligation of the bride's parents to to meet all wedding expenses. Today however, it is not unusual for the groom's parents to make a considerable financial contribution. Therefore, it is good manners to consult the groom's parents and include them in as much of the planning as possible.
The groom's parents should:

  1. Congratulate the bride's parents on news of the engagement.
  2. Welcome the future daughter-in-law into the family.
  3. Organise a meeting where both sets of parents can discuss arrangements.
  4. Agree the wedding plan with the bride's parents.
  5. Inform the bride's mother of the number of guests from the groom's family.
  6. Welcome the guests to the wedding.
  7. Mingle with the guests.
Debs75 · 16/02/2011 16:32

YANBU She sounds like she is realising they are left out and now wants you to include her so she looks good

Do you actually get on with her normally or could this be a snub due to you 'stealing her little boy'

starfishmummy · 16/02/2011 16:33

OMG I cant spell today!

oldraver · 16/02/2011 16:34

I would do the public display of flowers as it seems traditional with the appropriate thanks.

I would also get something for your folks as a thank you for their help but make it a private thing between you and them. Maybe a keepsake to remember the day, say cufflinks for your Dad you could give before you leave and a suitable pressie for your Mum