AIBU re MIL and wedding?

[changeroonie]

Hello all, I am a regular poster but have had to namechange for this due to people in RL knowing my usual nickname. Sorry, this will be a long one so get comfortable!

DP and I are getting married at the beginning of July. From the word go my parents expressed their desire to pay for the reception. They did the same when my two older sisters got married and I know its very generous of them to do the same for us. They've also helped us loads with the planning/arrangements, and everything has been so much easier thanks to them.

However, DP's parents haven't contributed a thing, not just money but anything at all, and neither of them even bring the wedding up in conversation unless DP or I do first. The problem is the demands MIL is making on us, which I feel are unreasonable since she has contributed nothing to the wedding or its planning.

A few examples:

• DP has told everyone he intends to get ready in our home with his best man only, and that the two of them will be making their own way to church to greet our guests as they arrive. I will be getting ready in my parent's house, then a car will arive to take my DF and I to church, and another for my DM and bridesmaids. I mentioned this to MIL and she said "well what time will FIL and I's car be arriving?" I had to explain that we had not booked a car for them, to which she replied "oooh well we have to have our own car, it is my son's wedding after all" I gather DP and I are supposed to be paying for this car then?

• I told MIL we had chosen beef as part of the main course at the reception, reply: "I would prefer chicken, can you change it?" GRRR.

• When I was going shopping with my bridesmaids to buy their dresses MIL stated "oh no I won't be able to make it that day to get my outfit, we'll have to go another time - don't worry I won't choose anything too expensive for you" There is no way I am paying for her outfit, haven't brought it up with her again since and luckily neither has she... yet. Oh and I should probably mention here I'm not paying for my own DM's outfit either!

• MIL wants to invite long lost family members that DP hasn't seen since he was a baby. DP explained to her that we don't have room to accommodate them at the reception, as it is close family and friends only, but to compromise we would invite them to the evening party if she wished. Que massive strop and the suggestion that there are more of my family members coming than DP's - this is true but I have a larger family and we both actually know them (also DP has more friends coming than I do to even out the balance).

These are just a few of many examples.
I can imagine MIL's face on the day when she dresses in clothes she has bought herself, no car arrives to collect them, then she sits down to a meal she didn't choose herself. It would be almost funny if I didn't think her moody strops have the potential to ruin our day. In a way I almost feel sorry for her as I think she just wants to feel involved. However anything I've asked for her help with (e.g. her ideas on flowers, music, cake, anything just to get her involved) she practically turns her nose up at and doesn't seem the least bit interested.

AIBU or is she? Should we give in and let her have the things she wants to ensure a happy smiling MIL on our wedding photos?

Another thing I'm worrying about is that on the day I intend to get my DM a big bunch of flowers to say thanks for all her help, and something for my DF too. It would be so embarrassing to leave PILs out but seriously they've done nothing to help out with this wedding (and also I don't want to undermine all the effort my parents have gone to by thanking PILs for nothing!)

WWYD?

Sorry about how long this is!

I'd be inclined to never mention the meal, the unwanted guests or the MIL's outfit again. If she brings up the subject of you paying,or changing the meal, or inviting her rellies, just laugh and say you thought she must have been joking. Explain that your parents are paying for the reception and hence you cannot afford to ask people you don't know.

I totally appreciate that it seems unreasonable for you to supply a car when they are totally uninvolved in the wedding. However, I suspect they think that they are being hard done to as your parents are travelling by car. How far away from the wedding venue are they? Could you arrange for the BM car to pick up your PIL half an hour (say ?) earlier? Or maybe tell them that the wedding cars are all booked out, but book an executive taxi for them? It's probably worth making a small concession here (and doesn't tradition suggest the groom sorts cars?)

I like the idea of privately giving a gift to your parents before the ceremony to thank them, then giving bouquets to both sets of parents during the speeches.

It's also been the done thing at weddings I've attended for the groom to thank the bride's parents , on behalf of the couple and all the guests, for providing the reception.

I think your parents should be thanked very very publicly for their generosity - that is respectful to them that way

Exactly grrr the mentality of some people so cheeky buying the outfit and dictating what everyone should eat on the day, and not contributing a thing, plus inviting all their relatives over who the op and her dp havent seen in years. Whose wedding is it!

zipzap loving the rose bush idea
I could ask BIL to take them (he's not best man), I still think she'd prefer a car though! Maybe I should just order them one and get the company to forward the invoice to them

Mango they definitely know my parents are paying for the reception. I mentioned it to her ages ago on one of the rare occasions she has asked me about the wedding, and she just said "well thats very nice of them" then never brought it up again. I think you might have a point there that maybe because they know DP and I are paying for everything else that they just assume that includes stuff for them? I really hope not, I'd be so embarrassed if I'd let them think that!

GotArt I bet your wedding was lovely and stress free

MissyKLo my parents will definitely be getting a massive thank you during speeches - they've honestly helped us so much! PIL will be thanked too (through gritted teeth!)

Inertia they are about 30mins by car from the venue. I can see how they'd feel hard done by but surely they realise that of course my parents will travel in wedding cars (well definitely DF anyway, since he has to arrive with me in order to give me away!) Even DP isn't travelling by wedding car - he's driving himself in his own car so he can leave it there for coming home the next morning (his choice!) and PIL KNOW this!

pigletmania - exactly!!

I believe that it is traditional for the bride's father to accompany her to the church, by whatever is the chosen mode of transport, since he has the role of 'giving her away' to the groom and it would be decidedly odd for the bride and her father to arrive separately. As far as I know, it is also traditional for the bride's mother to ride with the bridesmaids since by tradition, the mother will have been assisting her daughter in her preparations for the wedding e.g; pinning the veil in place, carrying spare tights etc for the bride in her handbag etc. The groom's parents do not have a role in this. certainly in my day, the groom got himself to the church, with the aid of his Best Man. The parents of the groom were fully responsible for their own tranport to and from the church and reception as well as whatever clothers they wore. The only items I can imagine that should be paid for by whoever is footing the bill, is for buttonholes and/or corsages for the male members of the family and the MIL.

As far as inviting members of her family, I would explain that you have /are intending to invite those that you know and if she wishes you to invite any others, she will need to pay.

Have a wonderful day when it arrives!

I think your car arrangements are fairly normal TBH. Every wedding I've been to where cars have been needed, it's been a case of bride + whoever is giving her away (dad/brother/whoever) in one car, and bridesmaids in another. Depending on where you get ready (at parents house for most people) then any space left in the bridesmaids car will be used up by those there, normally with mum getting priority. Most grooms don't bother with a car although some do.

I think it would be really pretty unusual to pay for a separate car from a completely different location for the parents of the groom.

Yes... it was stress free indeed. 22 of our closest friends.

YANBU - your MIL is a nutter, who clearly thinks so much of her beloved son that she isn't even prepared to pay for her own outfit to his weddding - what a charmer!

AAAGGGGHHHHH YANBU I hve mil/wedding history myself. At least your dp is being supportive.

In the words of a traditional saying the Grooms mother should 'Show up, shut up, and wear beige' Perhaps you could extend this a bit 'Show up (in a car you have hired and paid for your self), shut up (about the meal and everything else), wear beige (an outfit you have purchased yourself)'

we had 2 olive trees either side of the alter and heather plants decorating the church. The trees went to both Mums and the heather plants went to a few strategic people who had helped us in the wedding preparations.

blackduck, that's a really really horrible saying :(

OP, really, let dp tackle this one.

I really think he should make a point of raising it to avoid misunderstanding.

Each person buys their own outfit.

I personally would explain to her that beef had been chosen and that it was a done deal, but I would happily offer to ask the caterers is one chicken meal would be possible or if not, then the only other choice if veggie option.

Re car, explain your parents have already organised and paid for the wedding car, and but offer to organise a (nice) cab for them.

Re extra guests, it's too late, It's all organised. (though is it possible to invite extra to the evening bit? I wouldn't feel forced too, but if it's possible it might be a kind and concilliatory gensture)

Either give your parents a gift or flowers at home in private, or give both sets of parents flowers at the reception. You can't do one and not the other. Or send the flowers say timed to arrive when you're on honeymoon as a nice surprise?

But let dp deal with it, not you. Keep out of the firing line as much as possible.

Dh and i sorted out the main invites and then gave so many blank invites to both families to decide who they wanted to invite to the day (very limited numbers due to tiny venue!) and who to the evening (we did this as we couldn't work out which of dh's many relatives to ask for each part). MIL managed to mess this up and we got daytime replies from people she'd said were evening guests and vice versa. Really it was no problem to us - a bit puzzling- but the numbers were right. However it did cause big arguments among dh's relatives, i was organising the wedding from over a hundred miles away so managed to miss the fall out!

I would clarify that she buys her own outfit for the wedding, bride just provides bridesmaids dresses usually, that it is your wedding so you choose the meal and suggest she have veggie option if doesn't like meat, if there is one.
No extra guests, she can have a party at her expense for the folk she wants to see at another date if she's that bothered about seeing them.
The car thing is optional but parents of groom don't normally go in a fancy car.
She does seem to be making the wedding be all about her.
I'd clarify it's your wedding not hers!

She's being unreasonable, but so are you, too. It's a wedding for goodness sake, not a matter of life or death. So your mummy and daddy are paying for it, lucky you. Some people don't get that. Be glad you have this and just politely shrug off her demands. She needs to be stop being a pain in the arse and you need to stop being so precious.

Oh you poor thing! I totally feel your pain.

Firstly, Congratulations on your upcoming wedding :)

1: You don't need to get the IL's a car.. If they want a car then they can pay for it. It is normally only the Bride & Father and Mother & Bridesmaids that have cars.

2: Your answer should be either No, we have chosen beef or, if you would prefer not to have the beef then perhaps you might like the vegetarian option...

3: DO NOT pay for her outfit.. I've never heard of that before.

4: Your wedding, your choice of guests. Plain and simple.

5: Flowers - this is tricky BUT you should get her something. I'm sure she will complain that they arent her favourite flowers or that she wouldnt have chosen them etc etc BUT it does help keep the peace. I would thank her and her husband for raising such a wonderful son. You can always get your parents something else and either give to them the night before with your DP or give to them on the morning of the wedding, that way MIL will be none the wiser!

On the upside, at least you know they are attending! My IL's (MIL, BIL'sx3 and SIL) told us they werent coming as we hadnt asked the bil's to be ushers or sil to be bridesmaid... The day before the wedding (just before the rehearsal, they all decided they were coming!! Thankfully, knowing how they operate and the fact that our reception wasnt in hotel, I had allowed for the fact that they would change their minds and had laid places for them all!! They were most put out that it hadnt caused me to go into melt down and embarrassed that I knew how flaky they are. MIL is not responsible for my dh being as wonderful as he is (that's down to his grandparents), so you can imagine how interesting our words to her were when we presented her with a gift..

Good luck, stand your ground, be firm but fair. Most importantly, make sure that your DP is 100% behind you as thats when cracks can show and give the IL's room to
make waves.

Your mind is clearly focused on the wedding at the moment, this is to be expected.
I would, however, bear in mind that you are getting married here as well, remember, that you are making what many would view as being a lifetime commitment to your husband AND his family (I assume that this is the point of the wedding, right?), once the confetti has blown away and your dress in the wardrobe, you'll have to deal with everyday reality of life as your MIL becomes your, er, MIL.
To be honest, unless you sort out the difficulties you have with her now, I can see you and her becoming enemies and your husband being piggy-in-the-middle.

To be honest, I suspect all this is REALLY about her not wanting to lose her son to you OR simply not liking you as a person.
Please don't take this the wrong way, do you wind her up? I can't possibly know so don't be offended- it COULD be that she is just obnoxious.
Whatever, this fussing over the details of your wedding is a metaphor for something else.

If she really IS uninterested and willing to let it go over her head- if my son married I'd be the same, just wear biege, go with the flow and turn up and smile!- she wouldn't be making such childish demands.

We had a small wedding and my MIL was upset we hadnt invited a whole load of her relatives. We just said that we couldnt afford it, wanted a small wedding (50 guests), but that if she really really wanted them there, she could pay for them. Amazingly, it wasnt so important to have them after that! Could you perhaps suggest that or do you not have room?

As for the cars and the outfit, definitely not, that would be crazy.

I think you do have to do the flowers though, but I love the idea of giving your parents a private present.

she also insisted on making the cake and then let me know 3 days before the wedding that she was too tired to make it.

Buy her flowers and thank her for raising a lovely son. thank your dm for helping organise the wedding.

Make dp deal with other requests. she will forgive him but may never forgive you.

My mil wanted to dictate the date, trying to get us to get married 3 months after engagement rather than the 6m and summer wedding that I wanted/ needed to get organised. ( sil was going to work abroard, but I did point out that as she was well paid professionl that she could pay for a flight. It didn't go down well. we ended up paying out of the money pils gave us as a "gift" (passive agressive point scoring) but as we had never had the money in the first place I just thought it was them being silly. we got the money from another friend as a gift anyway.

pil caused a lot of upset over all sorts of things. dp arranged things with me and then caved when there was any pressure from pils, claiming things were not what he wanted when HE had suggested them in the first place.

They have reaped the whirlwind. I won't go and see them at their house now and we meet on neutral territory. they have lost out because they thought more about the wedding and not offending their distant family than the following marriage and upsetting dil. She called me awkward and told dh that the wedding plans were not good enough for her family, even though my parents were paying for the wedding.

Having a book that said the brides family traditionlly set the date didn't make difference to them at all. It was so upsetting that I couldn't even look at them during the rehearsal and wedding. I am still resentful that we had food at our wedding thaat I don't even like because h said sil thought it would be nice.

Don't change the food for your mil. good luck.

She is being totally unreasonable.

1. Car - tell her no there is no car booked for her, but you can get a friend to pick her up
2. Dresses - WTF just ignore on that one does she seriously expect you to pay for her outfit x 100
3. Beef/chicken - either say we have chosen beef and thats what you prefer, or tell her you can arrange for her to have the vegetarian option if she doesn't like beef.
4. Relations - again how rude - personally under these circumstances I wouldn't give her any invites at all for either reception or evening unless they contributed. In terms of more of your family coming well, yes your mum is organising and paying for it.

blackeyedsusan Why did you let your DH do that! Keep backing down I mean? Hasn't this caused resentment for forever? (I hold grudges so I would never be able to forget it)

Lambzig OMG! What did you do about a cake then?!

Let's face it - it's all about ruining your day isn't it? There is no other reason for these demands. Have the day you want and originally planned or give in to someone (who is showing their true colours btw - good luck with your future relationship with her) who wants to make you jump through hoops. And probably still won't be happy.

Some of the stories on here though