AIBU re MIL and wedding?

[changeroonie]

Hello all, I am a regular poster but have had to namechange for this due to people in RL knowing my usual nickname. Sorry, this will be a long one so get comfortable!

DP and I are getting married at the beginning of July. From the word go my parents expressed their desire to pay for the reception. They did the same when my two older sisters got married and I know its very generous of them to do the same for us. They've also helped us loads with the planning/arrangements, and everything has been so much easier thanks to them.

However, DP's parents haven't contributed a thing, not just money but anything at all, and neither of them even bring the wedding up in conversation unless DP or I do first. The problem is the demands MIL is making on us, which I feel are unreasonable since she has contributed nothing to the wedding or its planning.

A few examples:

• DP has told everyone he intends to get ready in our home with his best man only, and that the two of them will be making their own way to church to greet our guests as they arrive. I will be getting ready in my parent's house, then a car will arive to take my DF and I to church, and another for my DM and bridesmaids. I mentioned this to MIL and she said "well what time will FIL and I's car be arriving?" I had to explain that we had not booked a car for them, to which she replied "oooh well we have to have our own car, it is my son's wedding after all" I gather DP and I are supposed to be paying for this car then?

• I told MIL we had chosen beef as part of the main course at the reception, reply: "I would prefer chicken, can you change it?" GRRR.

• When I was going shopping with my bridesmaids to buy their dresses MIL stated "oh no I won't be able to make it that day to get my outfit, we'll have to go another time - don't worry I won't choose anything too expensive for you" There is no way I am paying for her outfit, haven't brought it up with her again since and luckily neither has she... yet. Oh and I should probably mention here I'm not paying for my own DM's outfit either!

• MIL wants to invite long lost family members that DP hasn't seen since he was a baby. DP explained to her that we don't have room to accommodate them at the reception, as it is close family and friends only, but to compromise we would invite them to the evening party if she wished. Que massive strop and the suggestion that there are more of my family members coming than DP's - this is true but I have a larger family and we both actually know them (also DP has more friends coming than I do to even out the balance).

These are just a few of many examples.
I can imagine MIL's face on the day when she dresses in clothes she has bought herself, no car arrives to collect them, then she sits down to a meal she didn't choose herself. It would be almost funny if I didn't think her moody strops have the potential to ruin our day. In a way I almost feel sorry for her as I think she just wants to feel involved. However anything I've asked for her help with (e.g. her ideas on flowers, music, cake, anything just to get her involved) she practically turns her nose up at and doesn't seem the least bit interested.

AIBU or is she? Should we give in and let her have the things she wants to ensure a happy smiling MIL on our wedding photos?

Another thing I'm worrying about is that on the day I intend to get my DM a big bunch of flowers to say thanks for all her help, and something for my DF too. It would be so embarrassing to leave PILs out but seriously they've done nothing to help out with this wedding (and also I don't want to undermine all the effort my parents have gone to by thanking PILs for nothing!)

WWYD?

Sorry about how long this is!

i've readthrough quickly.

I would tell her that your parents are paying for the wedding, and that tehy have decided what will be chosen, and what will be paid for.
they're welcome to help pay for any extra bits they can think of, but you feel it rude to tell your parents that they should be paying for more stuff when they've been so very generous so far.

I do think it would be mean to give your mother flowers & not MIL.

They weren´t specifically to say thanks for helping with the wedding, which tbh my mum helped with the flowers & MIL gave us a list of guests names & addresses, just more to remember our mums on our special day.

moomoofarm DP reckons if we just ignore her she'll work out that if she wants these things then she needs to sort them out for herself. (An example of this is at Xmas she told us she wanted this expensive cashmere jumper she'd seen - I panicked because we'd agreed not to go mad with presents with the wedding being so close. Anyway DP told me to ignore her and got her something cheaper instead. She never mentioned it to us but went out and bought said jumper for herself a couple of weeks later )

However DP's brother is happy to indulge her whenever she asks (he's not married yet- wonder if he'd buy her outfit?!), so I'm worried if I don't mention it again she'll assume its because the car, etc, are sorted!

changeroonie honestly it is probably best to be straight and upfront about these things [in as nice a way as possible].

I have never heard such shite in my life. Why would you pay for her clothes. The nutter.

Oh I could tell you some hair raising stories about my weddings including MIL expecting me to have SIX priests who she knew (didn't happen obviously), and her changing into tracksuit bottoms and runners at the reception.

You have a long road ahead of you. Put your foot down now or you will pay for it for the rest of your life.

I don't see the problem with asking for a different meal - we had beef at ours but my uncle didn't eat red meat so they did him chicken instead without any fuss.

would tell her to pay for everything else herself though!

Per your last post - I'd tell her you aren't paying for a car and outfit as they aren't normally paid for by the bride/groom or bride's family. Then don't mention it again. At least you've told her - if she assumes it is to be paid for after that then that is her problem not yours.

Just to add, its no hardship to ask if the caterer can do one chicken dish, if they say yes, great if not she'll have to have the veggie or go without.

Hope you have a lovely day though.

YANBU at all, dont you do as she says, she sounds like a spoilt stroppy little child. If she wants chicken, cant you tell the venue that you would like one chicken meal, if not she can like it or lump it. As for a car and outfit for her noway. A suggestion is that DP can pay for a taxi for them, or cant family give them a lift.

If she wants a fancy car you need to tell her to pay for it herself. If she protests tell her you can order her a taxi.
If she wants you to pay for her outfit tell her that you can't afford it. (Unless she buys it in Asda)
I thought it was traditional for the mums to get the bouquets of the bride and chief bridesmaid (but that might be a tight Scottish thing)
Menu was discussed between those who are contributing to the cost and now finalised. There is a veggie option if she can't eat beef.
If she doesn't smile in the photos she's only ruining them for herself (as it's unlikely you'll have any of her on display in your house if she's got a face like a melted welly )

Enjoy your day! Don't stress about her. And tell anyone around you that you don't want to know if they see her moaning or grumpy on the day. If there are enough people around you won't need to spend more than a few minutes in her company anyway.

Hmm. Well, she's not here to give her side of things. There could be a hundred reasons why she's got the wrong end of the stick - just trying to see all sides. It could be that she is ignorant of the protocol, like the MIL who was very upset at being sent an invitation to her son's wedding, she didn't understand the protocol.

Granted, from what you say it doesn't look like she is being very gracious, wrong end of the stick or not. The one thing you've reported that was considerate was her saying she wouldn't choose an 'expensive' outfit. Do you think she just doens't understand who pays for what? That would probably be DP's job to spell out what is and isn't expected - cars, food (wedding caterers offer one meal, not a selection, apart from vegetarian), guests. Is this her first wedding, the first of her children to get married? If she's new to the wedding game she may just not understand how it goes or what is expected. The bare facts are for DP to impart to his own parents I would have thought?

YOu say PIL are 'comfortable' - are your family wealthy/more well-off than DP's? You don't have to answer, but many people who aren't particularly well-off don't understand money iyswim. It's ignorant, for sure, but often a genuine ignorance. I would be firm - not hard but firm. I wouldn't order her a different meal for example.

At the wedding, PIL should be treated with the same respect as your parents, so a bunch of flowers for both mums would be appropriate and anything else would be an obvious snub. Personal and intimate gifts for your mum and dad, given privately, would be a lovely touch imo.

The one bit of protocol MIL sadly does understand is that the bride's parents traditionally pay for the wedding, though she seems to have taken it too literally! On the day OP, you want to have a lovely day, not soured by tension of any kind. Hopefully, you'll be swept along by the happiness of the event and full of generosity towards one and all, including your MIL. Fingers crossed

Wait until you have a baby

Not read whole thread yet, but will go back, but seriously, you need to let your PIL know now that you will be making the decisions for your wedding. If you don't stick up for yourself, they will be making unreasonable demands forever.

In the interests of future family harmony,I think this is best coming from your DP. She will forgive him for not giving in to her a lot more quickly than she'll forgive you.

As nicklebabe says, tell them that your parents are paying for certain things and x number of people to come, and that they are welcome to pay for any extras that they want. I think personally that this should come from your DP, they are his parents.

Please please don't feel embarrassed to acknowledge your parents generous contribution to the wedding by feeling you can't give them a massive bunch of flowers and saying how much you appreciate their generosity

Op this could of been my post! I just ignored her and went with my plan. My family paid for everything, not the point as she gave no imput without making dun of my choices. Our day was perfect! the only (slightly funny) issue was that all our photos were un posed and natural happy moments. My mil is in NONE because she had a face like a slapped arSe and went for a lie down for a huge chunk of the day. ( lie-down included a spliff with her mate, no wonder she needed a lie down !!!!) luckily I was un aware of this on our day and it wasn't affected at all. I git both the mothers flowers but just wrote a special card to my parents that I gave as well. ignore her.

Buy a copy of Debrett's wedding etiquette, and wave it at her.

It is not usual for cars for parents of the groom, or their outfits to be included in the wedding expenses. Bridal and grooms party only.

She can have a corsage, she isn't entitled to anything else.

She also doesn't traditionally have to pay for anything.

It would be usual to give both mums flowers, just for being mums.

I think a car for them would be the decent thing to do to be honest with you. Can DH stump up the cash for that perhaps?

Thanks for all the advice ladies.

smokingnuns you make some good points. There's been quite a few weddings in their family over the last few years that she's been at, including a couple of DP's cousins, but yes, my DP is the first of her children to get married so it could be possible that she just doesn't understand the protocol. However with regards to who pays for what, since she and FIL have not paid for anything so far, you'd think she'd at least offer to pay for her own outfit? The car I am willing to consider, but us pay for her clothes? Not a chance!
To answer your other question... I suppose my parents are slightly wealthier than PILs are, I wouldn't say by a great deal though tbh because they have similar jobs etc, its just that my parents have just always been great at saving and budgeting so always have 'spare' cash for events like this, holidays, etc.

I'm really liking the idea of giving my parents thank you gifts in private at home, then giving both sets of parents flowers at the actual reception.

I don't know if I made myself clear enough in my original post, but its not that MIL doesn't like or can't eat beef, she would just prefer chicken apparently

invisiblesoul your MIL got stoned at your wedding?! I'm so glad you didn't find out until after the day!

duelingfanjo yes we could get the cash together, but it would still really annoy me that she hasn't even offered. Need to have a think about it - not even sure if the company we're using would still have cars available anyway, we booked early to avoid disappointment!

haven't read whole thread, but i personally don't think you owe anything in terms of providing a car for them, neither changing the menu, nor paying for her outfit

i would give flowers though, just to say thank you for their support over the years or something general like that. i would have a quiet word with my own mum (if i were you) and say thank you separately, maybe an additional gift or something for her personally.

OP, could you not ask DP's brother to take his PIL to the wedding? (obviously ignore this if BIL is also best man, have read the thread and didn't actively notice that you said this was the case)

I'd second telling them about who traditionally pays for what and saying that you are being traditional - have you got a wedding magazine or something similar with a convenient article in it that you could leave with her so she can 'look at wedding-y things and feel involved' and hopefully pick up the info without you needing to do it too forcefully to her face.

Don't know if it would be appropriate but when I got married instead of giving flowers to the mums I gave them a rosebush each instead - both like gardening, we were away from home so the flowers would only be looked at for a day which seemed an awful waste for a couple of bouquets which would have cost a reasonable amount. The florist wrapped them up in lots of cellophane and ribbon so they still looked nice and now they have a nice rose bush in their garden as a reminder of a happy day.

All rose plants have names; all you need to do is choose something nice and appropriate for your mum and then get one that's got a dodgy name for your mil. OK so there aren't likely to be many out there called 'skanky goat' or whatever your true feelings are about her, but you could get her an 'Ice Berg' or 'Golden Shower' etc and then whenever you see it in her garden it will give you the last laugh

And if she kills it off then you haven't lost anything as it would have cost the same as a bunch of flowers that would have died anyway and you will always be able to think of her as the rose murderer whilst having the upper hand for giving her something nice that should have lasted for ages...

Not read the whole thread, but do your PILs definitely know that it is your parents paying? If they think you are buying these things for your parents but not them they may feel aggrieved. Re the car thing I would say. "My parents are paying for the cars. Were you wanting them to pay for a car for you too??" Hopefully they would say no, but just in case they had the bare faced cheek to say yes then I would just looked shocked and say "I will let you know the prices if you want to pay for a car for yourself."
Again, with you paying for your MILs outfit (WTF!) I would say "My parents are paying for their own wedding outfits. Are you wanting them to buy you an outfit too?" Surely they would say no, but if they did say yes i would probably just lose patience and say "Are you mad? You grasping witch!"

I probably would buy them a bouquet and say "Thank you for bringing up your lovely son."

Obviously you will want their bouquet to be smaller and to have inferior flowers...Just kidding!

Girl, its your wedding. MIL is being extremely unreasonable. I think its funny she believes you are buying her her dress. Buy her some flowers and send them a taxi to the wedding. Tell her its beef. And no to family that you don't actually know. Its this sort of bull shit that some family put on the wedding couple why DH and I didn't tell any family, nor invited any. His brother ended up coming by accident cause he quit his job and came out west for visit the same week.

Agree with Mango on what to say.

of course her bouquet should be smaller

your parents are paying for the wedding and deserve a massive bouquet and a massive thanks in the wedding speech - nowt wrong with that at all and is only right

god your mil sounds like a right sponger!