Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ....to mention the STD?!?!

149 replies

NearlySpring · 14/02/2011 09:22

Namechanged for this one, for obvious reasons...

Briefly - Last year I became good friends with a male collegue. I found out that he has Hepatitis. This is a secret that he shared with me in confidence, nobody else at work knows. We had a falling out before Xmas and aren't really on speaking terms at the moment.

I found out today that another friend at work had a one night stand with him. She told me and was all silly and giggly and said it was great fun. Now I suspect (although I don't know for certain) that they had unprotected sex. This girl is a good friend and I'm sure she would have mentioned the fact that he had Hepatitis if she had been told by him...

Basically, I think he may well have had unprotected sex with my friend and not told her he has Hepatits. I have been thinking over what I should do and think I will ask her tomorrow whether they had unprotected sex ir not. Then, if she says yes I will have to decide whether to confront him about it or whether to betray his trust and share his "secret" with my friend for her own safety.

AIBU in telling her? Perhaps I should just keep my nose out of things but it just "feels" like I should make sure she knows the score.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/02/2011 09:25

tricky one... but you have mentioned the hepatitus to her, so by the same token she could know, but is not going to tell you.

The fact that you have fallen out will certainly not help if you tell this woman and she then goes to pull him on it.

It could even affect your job if it all blows up, and you will end up getting the blame for stirring it.

squeakytoy · 14/02/2011 09:25

grrrr you HAVENT mentioned it to her..

Original poster
NearlySpring · 14/02/2011 09:27

Sorry, perhaps I didn't make my post clear.. I have NOT mentioned it to her yet. I have been thinking whether to or not. She approached me at work for a chat and told me of their one night stand, neither of us mentioned the Hepatitis. Seh is a close friend and I think she'd have mentioned it if he had told her about it!

OP posts:
iscream · 14/02/2011 09:32

I would ask him if he told her, and tell him she has the right to know. But first ask her about the unprotected part.
Normally I'd say keep out if it, but since her health is involved, she should know. I didn't know people still had one night stands without protection these days, rather stupid isn't it?

kreecherlivesupstairs · 14/02/2011 09:35

Agree with iscream, although I'm not sure how you could turn a conversation around to whether protection was used.
I would try really hard to speak to the nobber too. He is obligated to tell his partners about his hepatitis really.

squeakytoy · 14/02/2011 09:36

Sorry I tried to correct the typo in my first post.

Thats what I meant, you are a close friend and you havent told her, so what makes you think she isnt doing the same. If she knows, she is unlikely to tell you about it in the same conversation as telling you about sleeping with him.

I think iscream has the best idea though, that if you are going to get involved, you should speak to him first before saying anything to your friend.

Original poster
NearlySpring · 14/02/2011 09:41

Kreecher - It'll be easy to find out, we are good friends and gossip lots about all sort sof stuff, I'll catch her ona break at work and she'll chat to be about it.

I'm worried that if I ask him and he hasn't told her that me telling her will mean he is able to report me to HR. Would I get away with what is basically spreading information about his personal circumstances because I would only be doing it for her own safety?

OP posts:
kreecherlivesupstairs · 14/02/2011 09:44

I don't think you'd be able to 'get away with it' even if it is for her own safety.
I think I'd casually drop into the conversation something along the lines of random STD testing being something you support wholeheartedly
Which sort of hep is it? A, B or C?

Original poster
NearlySpring · 14/02/2011 09:47

It's Hep B Kreecher. Even if she did go for a STD test it wouldnt necessarily show if she'd been infected - Hep B has an incubation period of 6 mths.

I'm so annoyed with him, I'm 99% sure he hadn't mentioned it to her. I mean even with protection I'm sure most of us wouldn't risk having sex with someone who had Hepatitis just for a one night stand.

OP posts:
BaadRobot · 14/02/2011 09:50

I think, if it were me in your position, that I would find out from her if they had used protection or not, and if not then I would just tell her to go and get tested because presumably she is a grown up and should know better than to have unprotected sex. No need to mention him or the hepatitis at all. That way, you're acting as a concerned friend for her, and you've kept his secret.

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 09:53

You need to get the news to her one way or another. Hep B is extremely serious, she needs proper treatment if she has it and she needs to know for the sake of her future sexual partners.

Not doing anything just isn't an option here.

I don't know what to suggest though.

SarahStrattonHasNiceBears · 14/02/2011 09:53

I second iscream and kreecher. You need to speak to him first. You don't mention why you and he fell out, maybe it's also time to build some bridges with him.

Lonnie · 14/02/2011 09:54

If you can find out if they had unprotected sex then you will have a better idea.

If the answer is yes then I would go to the friend you have fallen out with say that the two of you need a word in private (he will know that you and her are friends i would assume) and then tell him he HAS to tell her. I would consider a deadline " if you have not told her by x date I will" so he is aware of yrou intentions but that on the othr hand can be a complexs one. I have little idea where you stand on the HR POW perhaps post in employment and see what they say?

tricky one and YANBU to WANT to.. if you should ,,, lets just say i do not envy you that deicison to make.

PippiL · 14/02/2011 09:54

I second what BaadRobot says.

No need to let on you know he has something.

She needs to be reminded to get checked. You should also talk to him and find out. He also needs to be reminded not to be a complete nobber and tell her if she needs to know.

VeryStressedMum · 14/02/2011 09:56

You need to know if it was unprotected, though she may wonder why you're asking that. If she says it was unprotected you have to tell her and tell the man that you have told her and exactly what you think of him.
If the man's having unprotected sex it is highly irresponsible to say the least!! And she deserves to know, he doesn't get to keep his 'secret' in this situation. And imagine if you didn't mention it and then she found out you knew - I would be devastated if it were me.

solooovely · 14/02/2011 10:16

Jesus what a situation!

Leverkusen · 14/02/2011 10:46

I would tell her! Fuck him and keeping his secrets, he sounds absolutely horrible, what kind of person would do that.

Her health is on the line here, you must tell her.

squeakytoy · 14/02/2011 10:50

How does he sound horrible???

It takes two to tango so to speak... nobody knows if they had safe sex or not, nobody knows if this girl is aware of his illness or not.

bumpsoon · 14/02/2011 10:52

Personally i would go to him and check whether they used protection ,if he says no ,tell him he must tell her or you will ,balls in his court then .That way you are looking out for your friend without breaking the confidence of another .

Leverkusen · 14/02/2011 10:57

Yes ok I mean he sounds horrible if she IS unaware of his illness, which I think she will be judging by her giggling etc.

solo · 14/02/2011 11:00

I wouldn't go and ask him as he might lie being as he knows she knows about the hep b...I'd ask the woman, but I'd specifically ask if they used a condom not protection as she miight feel safe on the pill...

allsquareknickersnofurcoat · 14/02/2011 11:01

I get on well with my boss, so if a situation like this arose I'd go to her. You don't want to be blamed for stirring if it comes out any other way, and it isn't fair on her to not mention it.

Though I second, who has a one night stand nowerdays without using protection? Were they drunk? Although even drunk you'd think it would cross their minds? Which then makes me think he would have had to lie to her and say he'd been STI tested recently and was "clean"...? (I've had one or two men try this one with me in the past)

Suchffun · 14/02/2011 11:06

I'd tell her the truth: that he once told you, in confidence, that he has Hep B. Her need to know trumps his need for confidentially, tbh.

BluddyMoFo · 14/02/2011 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ratspeaker · 14/02/2011 11:10

They're both adults and responsible for their own sexual health.

He may no longer be infectious
They may have used a condom
Is it really any of your business?

I also think you run the risk of being seen as spreading gossip or worse as being spiteful as you have fallen out with the guy

Swipe left for the next trending thread