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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU ....to mention the STD?!?!

149 replies

NearlySpring · 14/02/2011 09:22

Namechanged for this one, for obvious reasons...

Briefly - Last year I became good friends with a male collegue. I found out that he has Hepatitis. This is a secret that he shared with me in confidence, nobody else at work knows. We had a falling out before Xmas and aren't really on speaking terms at the moment.

I found out today that another friend at work had a one night stand with him. She told me and was all silly and giggly and said it was great fun. Now I suspect (although I don't know for certain) that they had unprotected sex. This girl is a good friend and I'm sure she would have mentioned the fact that he had Hepatitis if she had been told by him...

Basically, I think he may well have had unprotected sex with my friend and not told her he has Hepatits. I have been thinking over what I should do and think I will ask her tomorrow whether they had unprotected sex ir not. Then, if she says yes I will have to decide whether to confront him about it or whether to betray his trust and share his "secret" with my friend for her own safety.

AIBU in telling her? Perhaps I should just keep my nose out of things but it just "feels" like I should make sure she knows the score.

OP posts:

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 17:17

Agree to disagree then. I think Hep B is potentially something big to worry about, you don't. I would like a friend to tell me if I had been exposed, you presumably wouldn't. Each to their own, in which case I feel comfortable in saying that your cavalier approach to this infection is rather shocking.

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 17:21

What is my advice?

That this infection can be very serious.

That if the woman has been exposed then she needs to know about it, but its a difficult situation and I don't know how I'd go about it if I were the OP.

How is that terrible advice? I don't know what I would do if I were the OP - it's not even advice - it's simply an opinion.

You think that my opinion that this woman deserves to know if she has been exposed - I can't understand why anyone would take such offence at that TBH.

Tangle · 14/02/2011 17:24

Hang on a minute, when does NearlySpring say she's deperate to tell everyone about this mans previous medical history because she's pissed off with him?

I haven't seen any hint that she wants to print off A1 posters in neon orange saying "Jim's got HepB, Nur nur ne nur nur...", or calling everyone into a meeting so she can make sure everyone is safe from this high risk man, probably whilst making him stand on a table in a hair shirt so they're all clear who she's talking about.

From what I've seen, she's considering whether she has a moral obligation to tell a single friend, who may have been unknowingly exposed, so that that single friend can be aware and manage the situation. Hardly the same thing

To me it all seems to hinge on whether he had accute Hep B (which may well now have cleared and has a low likelihood of transmission through sex) or chronic Hep B (which you have for life and has a much higher rate of transmission), and whether or not he told her prior to having sex. Knowing the answers to those points would make it much easier for me. However, establishing all of that isn't going to be trivial.

To me this isn't judging because he has/had Hepatitis - its people having a different view on whether NearlySpring has a stronger moral obligation to protect the mans privacy, or to break that confidence such that a friend can have prior warning that she may have been exposed to a disease that can have very serious consequences.

If it were me, I think I'd feel she had to know. By preference he ought to be the one to tell her, but she needs to know. Maybe arrange to go out for lunch on Friday and tell him that you'll be talking about it then. I don't see how your friendship with him will ever come back from this, though - especially if its not in a position where you can ask him without going out of your way to do so, as you're assuming he would have knowingly had sex with a woman without telling her he had an STD first. That's pretty harsh :(

(Incidentally, I'm not sure whether or not they used a condom would have that much relevance for me. Condoms can split, afteral. Using one will reduce the chance of infection dramatically but it can't eliminate it)

Memoo · 14/02/2011 17:25

And I am just stating my opinion too, which is afterall what the op asked for. Well on that note I am off to enjoy the meal that dh has made for me, might even have a glass of wine too.

Original poster

NearlySpring · 14/02/2011 17:30

Wow, lots of replies! Sorry left the thread, back now though and will try and answer some of the questions asked here so far.

He definitely does have HepB, he confided in me and he has chronic HepB which means he has it for life, it will not go away and he is infectious. Peeringintothewintervoid - I know lots about HepB already, I work for the NHS. To those of you who said HepB doesn't usually need treatment that is untrue. Most people with HepB are hospitalised and very very ill! Those who go on to develop chronic HepB are usually regualrly ill and have to be very careful with their lifestyles, it damages the liver and can cause cirrhosis. It is a serious disease, else I wouldn't be considering telling her and breaking his trust.

When I say we had a falling out it was more that we had a pretty minor disagreement then gradually moved apart from each other and have different circles of friends at work, so we rarely socialise together and don't talk much. I only mentioned this as it would be much easier to talk to him if we were still close and in regular contact.

She is a good work friend, we chat lots, I know she has had a few one night stands without protection. They were both drunk too, so it is very likely they didnt use anything. I KNOW HepB is very easy to catch... it is present in all bodily fluids, blood, semen, saliva, sweat even breast milk! It is approx 100 times easier to catch than HIV so I really don't think I am blowing this out of proportion.

I am not trying to get back at him, I am just concerned for her.

I think I am going to try and find out from her if they had unprotected sex and if so then I will speak to him about it, failing that, or if he refuses to tell her then I am going to confide in out HR manager. Of course even protected intercourse could have still left her open to infection through oral sex. I'd feel terrible if she caught it then went on to pass it on to other partners due to me staying quiet about it.

Oh it's so hard, isn't it. I hope IANBU though

OP posts:

PeeringIntoTheWintryVoid · 14/02/2011 17:36

SardineQueen do you think the OP should approach every woman that she discovers this man has slept with, then?

You said "peering I would imagine that if this man has been diagnosed and is confiding in people then chances are he has chronic hepatitis himself. Otherwise it's keep it in your pants for 6 months and forget the whole thing ever happened IYSWIM."

Why would you imagine that? Based on what? How do you know he wasn't 'keeping it in his pants for six months' at the time, and that he is now fully recovered?

As I said, I think that the OP needs to speak to him before she speaks to anyone else.

Original poster

NearlySpring · 14/02/2011 17:39

Peering - We may have x-posted there.. please read my last post just above, he does have chronic HepB, he is still infectious.

OP posts:

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 17:43

I think that if I knew a man at work and he had confided in me that he had HepB, and then he had sex with one of my friends, I would be taking steps to ascertain whether my friend might have been unknowingly exposed, yes.

If I thought he was having unprotected sex with other people that I wasn't friends with then I'd take it up with him. I don't know if there would be much point though if he was doing that he'd hardly stop because I said something. What would I do then? I don't know.

clam · 14/02/2011 17:48

Why do you need to mention it to the HR manager? That formalises something that, at the moment, is private and outside work. I understand your concern for your friend's health, but I don't think it's your call to discuss it with an official. Talk to her, or him, or both, then let them decide who they tell after that.

PeeringIntoTheWintryVoid · 14/02/2011 17:50

Yes crossposted NearlySpring. If you know for sure that he has chronic hep B then I agree that the next step would be to find out from her whether they had unprotected sex. I know you're right about it being vastly easier to contract than HIV; I was vaccinated against it when working in the NHS and remember being at being told how easy it is to catch - that's from sharps injuries rather than sex though, IIRC.

Is there no way you can discuss your concerns with him before telling her though, if she lets on that they had unprotected sex? If he told you about this in confidence then he'd probably appreciate you speaking to him before you tell anyone else. If they had unprotected sex and he didn't tell her, then I would tell her. Either way, you can discuss it with her with a clear conscience - if he says he's told her then you can mention it to her, if he admits he didn't, then give him the chance to tell her, but then check with her later that he did tell her, IYSWIM? Sorry - that was a bit convoluted.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 17:51

how can HR police employee's sex lives ?

why would you report to HR ?

that would not be on my list of priorities to do in this situation, it would not even occur to me, tbh

southmum · 14/02/2011 17:51

I read this in my lunch hour but cant respond thanks to our over zealous IT dept.

OP I think you need to think this through a bit more. I think it could be bad for you if you blab to anyone, even HR. I would imagine no-one would trust you again (I wouldnt), you would be spreading gossip about two co-workers which could cause problems besides the Hep B (co-workers having relations is a sackable offence in my place of work), and you could sound jealous and spiteful (which you do a little bit anyway). He could even be making it up for drama.

I think the best thing you can do is speak to him first and let him know that she has told you. Is there any chance she could findout from someone else IYKWIM?

I am tempted to say its none of your business though.

Original poster

NearlySpring · 14/02/2011 17:59

Oh, I only thought of mentioning it to the HR manager as they could give me impartial advice, they would have to keep it in confidence and they could advise me whether I could get in trouble at work if I informed my friend that she has been exposed to HepB virus. It was just an idea, I haven't really decided what to do next.

Southmum - Do you really think it's none of my business? If you'd been exposed to HepB wouldn't you want a friend to tell you, or would you rather not know? Not just because she's my friend but I feel I have amoral obligation to do "something" about it is he or she informs me that they did indeed have unprotected sex.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 14/02/2011 18:06

Are you sure he really DOES have the Hep B Virus? It is a strange thing to confide, unless

a) you were sleeping together and he informed you as he saw it as his duty

b) you were not sleeping together, and he gave you the Hep B virus are a reason why you and him should not have a sexual relationship.

If a) - why do you think he did not tell her?
if b) - well, thats that.

The ONLY time I have told a man I had an STD, it was a lie. I really did not want his advances and saw this as my best bet to get him off my back. Juvenile, yes maybe, I was 18.

In any event, and whatever the reason, I think you should keep your mouth firmly shut. It is nothing to do with you.

Original poster

NearlySpring · 14/02/2011 18:13

Quintessentialshadows He definitely has it. He hadn't told anyone and he confided in me as we were very close friends at one point. He wanted someone to talk to about it and I guess he knew I wouldn't judge him, and I don't of course.

I have not slept with him though, we are just friends.

I am working tomorrow daytime so will have a word with him I think.

OP posts:

southmum · 14/02/2011 18:16

Yes its none of your business, unless you had a threesome with them.

I'd want to know of course if it was me, but lifes not that easy.

Its his news to tell. Not yours.

If you do blab no-one will trust you with anything ever again and you could cause alot of other problems besides the Hep.

Memoo · 14/02/2011 18:17

Nearlyspring, its not really true that "most people with HepB are hospitalised" the truth is that most people (90%) clear it themselves within 6 months.

altinkum · 14/02/2011 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Memoo · 14/02/2011 18:19

I'm going to have to leave this now because I'm not convince you are being entirely honest op.

You say you work in the NHS and this is why you know all about HepB, are you a HCP? Because if you are you would know that NHS staff are routinely given HepB vaccines because of the likelyhood of them coming into contact with it.

Original poster

NearlySpring · 14/02/2011 18:25

Err memoo, I have no idea why you think I am not being entirely honest. Why would I start a thread about something and not be honest about it? Surely then any answers or advice I was given would be of no help..

No, I am not a HCP, neither is my male friend with HepB or my female friend that he slept with. NHS staff that have direct patient contact are vaccinated against HepB, none of us have direct patient contact.

Memoo - Have you ever met anyone who has HepB? Even Acute (ie. non chron HepB) that, as you quite rightly say "usually clears within 6 mths" is extremely serious and "usually" requires hospitilisation, treament and lots of recovery time. It's not like being tucked up in bed with a cold for a week!

I guess I don't have to justify myself to you, so if you feel I am lying for some reason I appreciate your imput so far and understand you no longer want to post on my thread.

OP posts:

BuzzLiteBeer · 14/02/2011 18:27

If she's dim enough to have an unprotected one night stand she can take what she gets. Not your business to stick your beak into. Presumably she hasn't been under a rock for the last 30 years and knows this can lead to illness and infection?

Memoo · 14/02/2011 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Memoo · 14/02/2011 18:30

Sorry for all the typos! have a 17mo swinging from my leg!

ImFab · 14/02/2011 18:34

How can you possibly know if they had unprotected sex or not and you say you are not looking to get back at him so why the negative opinion of him? I think you need to ask yourself why you think it is your business to get involved really and would you feel the same if you and he were still close friends.

ImFab · 14/02/2011 18:45

It might be an idea to talk to her about protection in general if she is so keen on unprotected sex. Crazy in this day and age.

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