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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ....to mention the STD?!?!

149 replies

NearlySpring · 14/02/2011 09:22

Namechanged for this one, for obvious reasons...

Briefly - Last year I became good friends with a male collegue. I found out that he has Hepatitis. This is a secret that he shared with me in confidence, nobody else at work knows. We had a falling out before Xmas and aren't really on speaking terms at the moment.

I found out today that another friend at work had a one night stand with him. She told me and was all silly and giggly and said it was great fun. Now I suspect (although I don't know for certain) that they had unprotected sex. This girl is a good friend and I'm sure she would have mentioned the fact that he had Hepatitis if she had been told by him...

Basically, I think he may well have had unprotected sex with my friend and not told her he has Hepatits. I have been thinking over what I should do and think I will ask her tomorrow whether they had unprotected sex ir not. Then, if she says yes I will have to decide whether to confront him about it or whether to betray his trust and share his "secret" with my friend for her own safety.

AIBU in telling her? Perhaps I should just keep my nose out of things but it just "feels" like I should make sure she knows the score.

OP posts:
allsquareknickersnofurcoat · 14/02/2011 11:12

Telling her is slightly "locking the stable door after the horse has bolted" though. If she chose to have unprotected sex, its tough shit if shes caught something. It's as much her fault as his.

chandellina · 14/02/2011 11:14

I would assume he used a condom. Is he a total arsehole looking to spread disease? Your post suggests otherwise, since you were good friends with him once.

GwynAndBearIt · 14/02/2011 11:27

I don't think for a minute he has told her.

Think about it, she's had sex with him, protected or not, knowing he has HepB and she's telling you in a silly giggly way about what fun it was?? No way, not possible.

She would be telling you in a 'shit I went and had sex with him knowing he had HepB now I'm worried' sort of way.

Even if it was protected sex he hasn't told her, so he's an arsehole.

She needs to know.

xstitch · 14/02/2011 11:30

Oh dear, you have been put in a difficult position. I would agree with allsquare as far as it is partly her fault if (we don't actually know if they did do we?) she chose to have unprotected sex. However if they did and she has become infected she could then unknowingly spread this. I think I would want to know if I was in that position. Sexual health services can contact people without revealing who the index case is. This would be an option for him to use, ie he could contact them. Sorry this is not much help for you to decide what to do yourself.

xstitch · 14/02/2011 11:34

Meant to add it is worse in my book to have unprotected one night stand knowing you have an infection than it is to have unprotected one night stand unknowingly. Doesn't make it any less stupid a decision mind you.

EmmaBGoode · 14/02/2011 11:43

The chances of her catching Hepatitis from normal intercourse are miniscule. It is a blood-borne virus and as such is not easily transmittable.

I would not say anything, if I were you. It is really not your business.

StuffingGoldBrass · 14/02/2011 11:44

You don't know that they had unprotected sex. You don't know that he didn't tell her about his hepatitis.
Because you have fallen out with him, I think you want to cause trouble for him and are looking for justification to do so.
Mind your own business.

zikes · 14/02/2011 11:55

I don't know what the relevance of 'fault' is. Yes, not a good idea to have unprotected sex, if they had unprotected sex but tchoh.

I'd have a spill-the-beans type chat with her to find out if they did use condoms, and if they didn't, then suggest she get tested for STIs.

He might have fought off the virus and be 'clean' by now?

curlymama · 14/02/2011 12:13

I would talk to him first, and get him to tell her.

Unless he is a complete arsehole he will understand why you are worried about your friend, and will appreciate that you have spoken to him first rather than broken his confidence, especially as you are no longer friends and could have blabbed quite easily. You do have a justifiable reason for breaking his confidence now.

I don't know how it would stand at work, but surely any reasonable person would see what an awful situation you are in here. Unless you are a doctor or have some sort of job where confidentiality is of huge imporatnce, I'd say your friends health has to come first.

CinnabarRed · 14/02/2011 13:40

Agree with SGB - you're making too many assumptions for my liking.

StuffingGoldBrass · 14/02/2011 14:10

And, as Emmab says, given that the chances of him actually having infected this girl are small, you really do need to take a look at your own motivation for sticking your beak in, don't you?

TheProvincialLady · 14/02/2011 14:18

You don't know that she had unprotected sex...how on earth could you unless she told you?Hmm

If it was me I think I would tell her so that she could get herself tested if it was appropriate and so that she didn't unwittingly infect others if she is prone to having unprotected sex. But I wouldn't expect either of them to thank you for it.

Vallhala · 14/02/2011 14:22

I'd ask if they had unprotected sex and if that was the case I'd have no hesitation in asking her if she was aware that he had Hepatitis. My friend's health and that of anyone else she might sleep with would be more important to me than keeping a secret, regardless of the relationship between me and the person who confided in me.

openerofjars · 14/02/2011 14:40

This happened to me and I was lucky not to have caught Hep B or HIV from someone who didn't tell me he was infected with both. A mutual friend told me, months later. I was 18 and terrified until I got the all-clear. By the time I found out, I was in a new relationship and I could have passed on a possibly terminal illness onto my new BF.

Yes, it was my fault for not being more careful. But my ex should have told me himself before we had sex.

Ask him to tell her before you do. Or even ask him if he wants you to tell her. But she has a right to know so that she can protect any future partners she has. Oh, and tell her to go to the GU clinic, not her GP, or it could make it difficult for her to get insurance in the future.

saffy85 · 14/02/2011 14:59

I agree with SGB- you don't know anything for sure. If you were still friends with him would you be thinking the same way?

While it would be nice if everyone could be totally honest about their sexual health it is each up to each individual to practice safe sex. I'm in no way at all saying your friend or anyone else is "asking for it" if they get an infection after having unsafe sex, but if your friend chooses not to use protection for a one night stand that is her responsibility. And his.

splashyy · 14/02/2011 15:01

Agree that she should go for a sexual health screen regardless if she has unprotected sex - maybe just advise her of that?

Hepatitis is extremely unlikely to be passed on via vaginal sex, however you are right that he had a responsibility to keep her informed.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 15:07

Genuine question

Is Hep B testing included in a "standard" STD screen ?

If not, just having one of those isn't going to be enough. She would have to know to ask, IYSWIM.

nickelbabe · 14/02/2011 15:11

she has to know.
this is the kind of thing that you can't put down to "will she be annoyed at me if i tell her?"
tell her outside of work, though - maybe go to lunch with her?

TheProvincialLady · 14/02/2011 15:12

I think if you are at the point of asking someone if they used a condom, and advising them to go to the GU clinic, you might as well just tell them you know he has hep B (if they didn't use a condom). Whilst I would normally keep a secret, there are some secrets that are best told. And it's just that he has HepB...is that the most shameful secret ever that cannot be shared with anyone? I know it could be awkward for him but not as awkward as someone finding out that they have been passed it by an inconsiderate twat who didn't bother to tell them or use protection. If indeed that has happened.

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 15:18

Is HepB really that unlikely to be passed through vaginal sex that the risk might as well be zero?

I know that it can be passed through sex and that sometimes it can lead to liver failure and other bad things and that it can kill you. I also know that if you have it and get pregnant it can be very bad news for the baby. It could be spread to other sexual partners.

I am quite amazed actually that anyone would with-hold this information. And that if anything happens she only has herself to blame. Yes unprotected sex is stupid - but unprotected sex when you know you have a potentially life-threatening sexually transmitted disease is surely worse. I get the feeling here from some posters that this woman deserves to be "punished" for making a mistake.

saffy85 · 14/02/2011 15:40

No one deserves to be infected with Hep B or any other STD, whether they have or have not practiced safe sex. I haven't seen anyone say that on this thread.

If it was my friend I wouldn't tell her unless she had actually told me "we didn't use a condom". And even then I would rather not be the one to tell her, this guy should. I wouldn't tell her solely on the basis that I suspected they hadn't used a condom.

And I do believe it is up to both parties to be responsible for safe sex. This is why I hate it when certain guys I know have said "but she told me she was on the pill" when the pregnancy test comes back positive. ike it abdcates them of any responsibility. The pill is not 100% effective and does not protect against STDs.

Olessaty · 14/02/2011 15:49

I would have assumed that he would have told her about the Hep B if he had intercourse with her, if he didn't I think it's very unfair to not give her an informed choice before they had their one night stand. I would thus not feel bad about asking her if she was aware, because in my eyes, he should have told her, and if he hasn't then he's a shit, so I wouldn't worry about not keeping his confidentiality in this situation. Her health is more important than his feelings.

I'd hate to be in this position, because I would so just want to not get involved.

Memoo · 14/02/2011 16:00

Which type of hepatitis did he have? There are several different types and some are treatable.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 16:04

memoo, OP said type B

Memoo · 14/02/2011 16:09

Oops missed that Af! Op Hep B goes away, it doesn't even usually need any treatment because it often clears up itself.

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