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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU ....to mention the STD?!?!

149 replies

NearlySpring · 14/02/2011 09:22

Namechanged for this one, for obvious reasons...

Briefly - Last year I became good friends with a male collegue. I found out that he has Hepatitis. This is a secret that he shared with me in confidence, nobody else at work knows. We had a falling out before Xmas and aren't really on speaking terms at the moment.

I found out today that another friend at work had a one night stand with him. She told me and was all silly and giggly and said it was great fun. Now I suspect (although I don't know for certain) that they had unprotected sex. This girl is a good friend and I'm sure she would have mentioned the fact that he had Hepatitis if she had been told by him...

Basically, I think he may well have had unprotected sex with my friend and not told her he has Hepatits. I have been thinking over what I should do and think I will ask her tomorrow whether they had unprotected sex ir not. Then, if she says yes I will have to decide whether to confront him about it or whether to betray his trust and share his "secret" with my friend for her own safety.

AIBU in telling her? Perhaps I should just keep my nose out of things but it just "feels" like I should make sure she knows the score.

OP posts:

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 19:09

I find this thread mind-boggling. How could anyone not take steps if they were aware that a friend might be at risk of a serious illness with consequences for their future relationships and offspring? Not worry about the fact that they might unknowingly spread it to others? I feel like I've walked into the twilight zone

schroedingersdodo · 14/02/2011 19:10

i wouldn't bother. Why should you get in trouble because she couldn't be bothered to use a condom?

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 19:13

And at least two people saying that she deserves it because she didn't use a condom, with no disapprobation at all for the man who knew he had it and did it anyway which I would say was far far far worse.

I mean for christs sake.

BuzzLiteBeer · 14/02/2011 19:14

Sardine I find it mind-boggling that a grown woman could have several unsafe one night stands and not imagine they might be at risk of serious illness. Why would you need to tell her she could get hepatitis or hiv or anything else?

Original poster

NearlySpring · 14/02/2011 19:15

SardineQueen, as much as I don't want to be one of those people who starts a thread in AIBU and then complains when people say YABU I admit I also find it mind boggling that some posters firmly think I should do nothing at all. Especially those who are insinuating that she somehow "deserves" it for being irresponsible and having unprotected sex.

But I do appreciate and value all your opinions and comments!

OP posts:

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 19:15

But you have absolutely nothing to say about a man who has unprotected sex with people even though he knows that he has an infectious STD which can be fatal.

Yes, mind boggling.

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 19:18

That was to buzzliteyear BTW.

Even if they used a condom she needs to know TBH, it's highly infectious and condoms are not 100%. He should have told her what he had so that she could decide whether to have sex with him or not, frankly. Anything else is pretty out of order in my book.

PeeringIntoTheWintryVoid · 14/02/2011 19:21

SardineQueen "the man who knew he had it and did it anyway which I would say was far far far worse."

But you don't actually know that that's what he's done, do you SardineQueen? The OP doesn't know exactly what happened yet, and arguably, has no business interfering in the sex life of two consenting adults.

BuzzLiteBeer · 14/02/2011 19:21

I don't think it needs to be said that he's a twat does it? Surely thats taken as read. The OP's query is if she should tell her friend that she might have hepatitis b. My point is that how do you not know that you might have hep b if you are exhibiting such risky behaviours.

Plus Op really doesn't know fuck all about it.

BuzzLiteBeer · 14/02/2011 19:22

and its not a matter of "deserving it" its called a matter a fact that you can get nasty things if you behave like this. Its not a value judgement, its reality!

Onetoomanycornettos · 14/02/2011 19:26

I think if she'd had unprotected sex, she might have been less giggly anyway and a bit more concerned about getting pregnant or STDs or at least mentioned how silly they were in not using condoms. The fact that she thought it was all great fun and is giggly suggests to me she may well have used protection, I don't think drinking necessarily means that one of them didn't have a condom.

I would ask her if she used a condom, for a start. You could then have a conversation about getting tested for stuff if not/even if you use a condom. If all that fails, you then have to consider speaking to him/her. But you may be able to achieve some of this without breaking a confidence.

And if she'd used a condom, and said there were no issues with it, I would leave it. You are not there in life to follow him round shouting 'HepB, HepB' and there's a risk everyone takes when they have a one night stand that even a condom won't prevent everything, your friend must have known that and I don't think your duty lies beyond checking if she used one (otherwise are you going to check other things he does with work colleagues or friends?)

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 19:33

peering I was responding to buzz who said

"If she's dim enough to have an unprotected one night stand she can take what she gets. "

ie that in this situation if she gets Hep B she will only have herself to blame. Buzz had nothing to say about, how if that were the case, he would have knowingly put her at risk, and what that said about him.

BuzzLiteBeer · 14/02/2011 19:37

you make your choice, you take your chance. I object to the implication that she is not responsible for her own sexual health. Does the little woman need protecting from the big scary man? No, she needs to watch out for herself, as we all do. If you have sex with someone you don't know without any protection of course it is your own fault if you catch something!

I have nothing to say about him because its obvious, it doesn't need commenting on.

asuwere · 14/02/2011 19:40

OP - you said that you suspect they had unprotected sex because your friend has done this on a few occasions in the past. Did she have a STI check up after each of those times? If she did, then surely she will again. If she didn't, then whose to say she hasn't also got something that she has just passed on to your male friend?!

I personally do think that you should stay out of it. They are both adults and you should assume that they can both act like adults.

It definately isn't your place to divulge personal information about him when it was told to you in confidence.

saffy85 · 14/02/2011 19:43

Playing devils advocate here, but if OP tells her friend this guy has Hep B should she also tell the guy her friend has unprotected sex fairly often by the sound of it, and could, lets be fair here, give him an STD?

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 20:00

buzz but to express no disapprobation for the (hypothetical) man who is knowingly doing this, say it's her own fault (yes it was a stupid thing to do) and suggest that no-one warn her? Amazingly harsh.

You are aware that people have gone to prison for having unprotected sex when they knew that they had nasty STDs? I think people who behave in this way are more than a "twat" TBH.

If one of my friends knew that I had had unprotected sex with a man, and that he had a potentially lethal infection, I would expect them to tell me. Why would anyone not?

BuzzLiteBeer · 14/02/2011 20:07

I don't agree, and I don't think you understand my position.
Why would you need your friend to tell you that a man you had sex with could have a potentially lethal infection? ANY man you have sex with could have a potentially lethal infection.
STD rates have been steadily rising for many years now, we need to bring back the adverts of the 80's with the tombstones on them.

I agree with however said why not warn him? If she is making a habit of unprotected sex its as likely that she hsa something that he doesn't know about. I think you react strongly because she is a woman and he is a man.

ENormaSnob · 14/02/2011 20:15

He doesnt potentially have an infection. He actually has one.

I think she needs to know tbh.

She is responsible for her own safety etc but any decent human wouldn't have unprotected sex knowing they have hep b. There have been cases in court when someone with hiv has knowingly had unprotected sex and infected others.

iirc hep b is far more easily transmitted than hiv.

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 20:16

Any person could have a potentially lethal infection.

This man does have one.

Not to tell her in order to teach her some kind of lesson about safe sex and personal responsibility seems overly harsh. This is supposed to be a friend.

I think that all people who have unprotected sex are taking a risk. If neither of these people had a confirmed STD then it would be up to them what they do and how to handle that risk. However many people if they are outside "high risk groups" consider their risk to be low. Whether you like it or not that is the situation we have. For people outside high risk groups, the chances of infection of the nastier things actually are fairly low. However in this case he definitely has Hep B and that puts a different slant on things IMO. She needs to know that if they had unprotected sex then she is at risk and her friend needs to try to work out how to glean what happened between them and what to do. She cannot just sit back and think "ha stupid cow none of my business" and watch what happens, watch what happens if and when she gets pregnant, it's just so harsh.

BuzzLiteBeer · 14/02/2011 20:16

thats the only thing the OP knows, nothing else.

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 20:16

Hep B is 100x more easily transmitted than HIV, from what I saw earlier.

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 20:19

If you don't care about your friend, what of her possible future children and sexual partners? If this woman is having unprotected sex (the OP says she does) and she has caught this and doesn't know, she is going to infect others.

I don't get it, I really don't.

ENormaSnob · 14/02/2011 20:20

fwiw I am a hcp with close patient contact and hepatitis b is taken very very seriously.

BuzzLiteBeer · 14/02/2011 20:21

I know that. I used to be a sexual health instructor a few decades years ago, and to be honest I think its all gone backwards. People seem to be fucking clueless about health and risks.
Personally if this woman was really as lax as the Op thinks she is ( and lets hope she's wrong) then maybe I'd tell her. I also tell her to cop herself on and stop being such a fucking moron, but thats just me.

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 20:26

Well quite Buzz.

I used to work in the PHLS in a team related to STDS, was a long time ago though.

And now we all find ourselves here

I do hope that the OP finds a satisfactory was to deal with all of this.

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