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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU ....to mention the STD?!?!

149 replies

NearlySpring · 14/02/2011 09:22

Namechanged for this one, for obvious reasons...

Briefly - Last year I became good friends with a male collegue. I found out that he has Hepatitis. This is a secret that he shared with me in confidence, nobody else at work knows. We had a falling out before Xmas and aren't really on speaking terms at the moment.

I found out today that another friend at work had a one night stand with him. She told me and was all silly and giggly and said it was great fun. Now I suspect (although I don't know for certain) that they had unprotected sex. This girl is a good friend and I'm sure she would have mentioned the fact that he had Hepatitis if she had been told by him...

Basically, I think he may well have had unprotected sex with my friend and not told her he has Hepatits. I have been thinking over what I should do and think I will ask her tomorrow whether they had unprotected sex ir not. Then, if she says yes I will have to decide whether to confront him about it or whether to betray his trust and share his "secret" with my friend for her own safety.

AIBU in telling her? Perhaps I should just keep my nose out of things but it just "feels" like I should make sure she knows the score.

OP posts:

BuzzLiteBeer · 14/02/2011 20:28

To be clear, I wasn't at any point saying that anyone deserves something like that, just, you know, its so frustrating. And I really do think the message has to be that we all have to take personal responsibility for our own health.

You get it.

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 20:31

When I was young we were the ones who grew up with the terrifying HIV ads - and there was loads of unprotected sex. Young people think they are invincible - that these things happen to other people.

It is frustrating but I think you need to be realistic too.

BuzzLiteBeer · 14/02/2011 20:38

But they worked, those ads. For a while anyway. People got scared, and some people got safer. Now its like people have forgotten about this stuff, and we're not talking teenagers here. I just don't see any excuse for it.

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 20:42

Yes, there was a big thing a few years back about a lot of the new infections being in older people (post divorce).

I think there needs to be more publicity, it's all money though isn't it.

chipmonkey · 14/02/2011 21:02

Jesus there can be no two ways about it, she has to be told!
Even if the chances of her having caught it are low, if she has caught it, she is at risk of infecting other people.

And I wouldn't rely on the guy to tell her. Chances are, if she knew he had it, she wouldn't have touched him with a barge-pole!

StuffingGoldBrass · 14/02/2011 22:12

Hang on, NOBODY knows that this man didn't tell the woman he had Hep B and insist on using protection. NOBODY knows that a condom wasn't used. So calling him names is just a bit unfair.
The OP seems to be using the possibility that her former friend (the man) might have been irresponsible in order to justify running off at the mouth about his personal life.

PeeringIntoTheWintryVoid · 14/02/2011 22:36

My point exactly, SGB.

And just to clarify (again), HBV is much more infectious than HIV as a blood borne virus - not necessarily a STI.

PeeringIntoTheWintryVoid · 14/02/2011 22:37

as a STI, I mean

splashyy · 14/02/2011 23:03

As SBG says, the facts in this are unknown.

Also the risk of transmission of Hepatitis B through vaginal sex is very low. The spread is usually via blood, meaning IV drug users, homosexuals and other high risk groups are at increased risk of transmission.

Low risk of transmission of Hepatitis B via heterosexual sex

begonyabampot · 14/02/2011 23:03

if she is a really good friend then you can ask if they used protection. If the answer is no, then no way could i look my very god friend in the eye again without saying something.

Original poster

NearlySpring · 14/02/2011 23:12

SGB - I am not the sort of person who would ever usually "run off at the mouth" about something told to me in confidence. I have no desire to spread gossip or blab to the general population about his HepB status, quite the opposite. I am concerned about what to do as I feel I should keep his secret a secret.

I know I havent got the full facts just yet, hopefully I will have by tomorrow, just wanted to get some opinions here before work tomorrow.

OP posts:

A1980 · 14/02/2011 23:19

As others have said, try to find out if it was safe or not.

Someone said on page 1: "It could even affect your job if it all blows up, and you will end up getting the blame for stirring it."

I can't see how it would affect your job unless you are his boss or work in HR and were told this officially during the course of your employment. Otherwise it's just gossip.

You don't have to mention the HepB infection to her, just say you've heard he's a ladies man and she should get tested.

Scuttlebutter · 15/02/2011 01:38

OP, Firstly it really isn't your business what your colleagues get up to in bed. Secondly,you and we don't know what they wore/used as protection. Thirdly, both people involved were consenting adults and that means they are BOTH grown up enough to decide on the risks and the appropriate steps to take. You are not the condom police. And in any case, for all we know, she could have a fanjo covered in genital warts - he is also taking a risk.

Heebiejeebie · 15/02/2011 08:13

Following hep B exposure, there is a short window (a week?) of opportunity to be vaccinated or given immunoglobulin, which reduces the risk of becoming a carrier. There is a real potential health benefit for her finding out soon if she has been exposed. I don't think it has anything to do with work, unless he told you about his status for work purposes.

PeeringIntoTheWintryVoid · 15/02/2011 09:38

That's actually a very good point Heebiejeebie. Do you know how long ago it happened OP?

LittleMissHissyFit · 15/02/2011 10:06

If it were me, the friend, I would want to know if a drunken encounter could have given me something. I'd be disappointed to say the least if I went on to catch it and found out a good friend knew there was a risk.

I'd actually be livid if I wasn't told in a window (if there is one) of time to be able to treat/prevent it taking hold.

OP, I think your best course of action is to talk to the guy and ask him. That way if you say did you use anything and he says "yes I did, I used a condom" then tbh, there is little you can do.

If he didn't use a condom, I would give him a window of 24 hours to tell her, or you will.

Original poster

NearlySpring · 15/02/2011 12:06

Peering It was Saturday night!

Vaccination after exposure won't help (many are vaccinated after exposure, but as far as I'm aware there is no real benefit - closing the door after the horse has bolted as another poster said earlier). But immunoglobulin would need to be given within a very small window (48 hrs I believe).

I'm going to chat with her this afternoon when I see her..

OP posts:

Heebiejeebie · 15/02/2011 14:27

Vaccination after exposure augments the immune response to Hep B and reduces the likelihood of chronic infection (carrier status).

Deliaskis · 15/02/2011 14:48

I think it's a bit odd that you were such good friends with this guy that he would confide such personal information in you, but you now think he is the kind of person who you can suspect of knowingly having unprotected sex with someone and risking passing on his hep.

The only thing you know about this is that they had sex, which people with a range of STIs can still do if they behave responsibly. All this presumption that nobody would touch anyone who has an STI is to be honest not helping anybody be better informed or get the right treatment where appropriate.

Given that he is clearly aware of his hep status (and you're actually not now, he could be clear), do you really think he wouldn't tell her, or that he would have unprotected sex regardless?

I think there is a greater likelihood that they either did use a condom and/or that she is aware of his hep but has chosen to be discreet about it, as indeed she should.

From what you've said, I feel pretty sorry for the guy, who is may well have behaved impeccably.

I think there is huge risk for this to blow up in your face if you actually mention the hep to her (other than recommending she get checked and reminding her how stupid she was, if she reveals they did have unprotected sex). I would go a long way to protect my friends, but that does not include assuming that they are both stupid, irresponsible and downright cruel (in his case).

PeeringIntoTheWintryVoid · 15/02/2011 22:27

Any update NearlySpring?

QueenStromba · 16/02/2011 16:03

I was wondering that myself peering.

PeeringIntoTheWintryVoid · 16/02/2011 16:31

I'm kind of assuming that she might have stuck her oar in, made a bit of a tit of herself, and not want to tell us Queen..

southmum · 16/02/2011 17:36

I suspect this also Peering....

vis · 16/02/2011 19:18

bump..

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