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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU ....to mention the STD?!?!

149 replies

NearlySpring · 14/02/2011 09:22

Namechanged for this one, for obvious reasons...

Briefly - Last year I became good friends with a male collegue. I found out that he has Hepatitis. This is a secret that he shared with me in confidence, nobody else at work knows. We had a falling out before Xmas and aren't really on speaking terms at the moment.

I found out today that another friend at work had a one night stand with him. She told me and was all silly and giggly and said it was great fun. Now I suspect (although I don't know for certain) that they had unprotected sex. This girl is a good friend and I'm sure she would have mentioned the fact that he had Hepatitis if she had been told by him...

Basically, I think he may well have had unprotected sex with my friend and not told her he has Hepatits. I have been thinking over what I should do and think I will ask her tomorrow whether they had unprotected sex ir not. Then, if she says yes I will have to decide whether to confront him about it or whether to betray his trust and share his "secret" with my friend for her own safety.

AIBU in telling her? Perhaps I should just keep my nose out of things but it just "feels" like I should make sure she knows the score.

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 16:14

Apart from the 5% of people infected who go on to develop chronic hep B which can be really nasty/fatal.

She could also become pregnant without realising about the hep B and it would probably not be good news for the baby - there are no treatments AFAIK and in about 90% of cases it is passed from mother to child.

Plus there is no "treatment" if you are one of the 5% who develop chronic hepB, it can only be managed.

She could also pass it onto further sexual partners without knowing, they could spread it further etc etc.

It doesn't sound that minor to me TBH. I would want to know if I had been exposed to it.

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 16:18

nhs direct

Memoo · 14/02/2011 16:18

Yes I know all that I just think the op should be careful about what she tells her friend because he may well have cleared it. Also the woman in question may already know but have not mentioned it to the op because frankly it is non of her business.

Memoo · 14/02/2011 16:20

Thanks for that link, if you look on the treatment bit it says that most people clear the infection themselves

PeeringIntoTheWintryVoid · 14/02/2011 16:21

You said that he has Hep B; in most (90%) healthy adults, the infection is cleared by the body within six months. In 10% of people, the body cannot get rid of the infection and the person develops chronic Hep B, which is diagnosed if blood test still show the presence of the virus after six months. You said he told you last year; he is not necessarily still infected or infectious with Hepatitis B.

I also agree with other posters that you don't know whether they had unprotected sex or whether he has told her (if indeed he is still infected). Assuming that he is no longer infected, then it would be a massive betrayal of confidence to tell your friend about this man's sexual health history.

If you're going to speak to anyone about this, I suggest you speak to him, not her, and phrase it very tactfully indeed.

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 16:21

If you know all of that then why are you advising people that HepB is absolutely nothing to worry about? I think that is poor advice.

PeeringIntoTheWintryVoid · 14/02/2011 16:22

www.hepb.org/patients/general_information.htm

I'm surpised you didn't go to the trouble of finding a bit more about it, if you're so worried for your friend.

Memoo · 14/02/2011 16:23

I never said it was nothing to worry about, I said it usually goes away on it's own.

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 16:27

Yes Memoo and if you look it also says that between 2% and 10% of people go on to get a chronic infection, and of those a good proportion will go on to get chronic liver disease which will kill between 15% and 25% of them.

If someone has HepB and they dont' realise and become pregnant then there is a 90% chance it will pass to the baby, the prognosis for the baby is then "poor".

Would you really not tell a friend that they had been exposed to this? What kind of a friend does that make you.

peering I would imagine that if this man has been diagnosed and is confiding in people then chances are he has chronic hepatitis himself. Otherwise it's keep it in your pants for 6 months and forget the whole thing ever happened IYSWIM.

Memoo · 14/02/2011 16:29

No I wouldn't tell the friend, I would speak to the man.

Memoo · 14/02/2011 16:32

And you don't forget the whole thing ever happened. Being told you have or may have hepatitis is very scary. How about a little compassion for the poor bloke who has had to live with it?

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 16:35

"Op Hep B goes away, it doesn't even usually need any treatment because it often clears up itself."

In what way can this be interpreted as "this can be very serious, keep an eye on it, it might be a problem"?

You even mention treatment - there isn't any treatment in the sense of "this will make it go away", it can just be managed.

So your message was "don't worry it probably won't be anything to worry about and if it is you can get it treated" and that's just bad advice.

Are so many people really so cavalier about STDs? No wonder they are going through the roof.

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 16:36

Memoo I have no compassion for the bloke if he knows he has HepB and is having unprotected sex with people.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 16:37

SQ...we don't actually know that

Memoo · 14/02/2011 16:41

No neither would I but that doesn't mean that the op should reveal what was told to her in confidence when she doesn't have all the facts. Any tbh it's quite patronising of the op to assume her friend would be stupid enough to have had unprotected sex.

StuffingGoldBrass · 14/02/2011 16:43

But the point is the OP's motivation is punitive towards her former friend, she is gagging to tell everyone that he;s 'contaminated' despite the fact that it'#s perfectly possible that the man and the woman discussed the issue before they had sex and it is none of the OP's business.
It's like people taking it upon themselves to tell everyone that a work colleague or acquaintance has HIV - actually, OP, did you know that if you were to spread the word about this man's health you might be subject to disciplinary action at work?

MrsEricNorthman · 14/02/2011 16:44

I think I'd ask him first whether he'd told her and if not then I'd say something to her if he refused to do so himself (unless they used a condom or he's sure the infection has gone). IMO if they didn't and he does have chronic hepatitis he shouldn't have had sex with her if he wasn't happy for her to know - he should have given her the choice, but if he didn't then the least he should do is tell her she needs to be checked.

I don't get why it would be an HR concern - presumably you found out his hep status as a friend, not from work-related confidential info?

Memoo · 14/02/2011 16:45

See now SGB says it so much better than me

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 16:50

I suppose I live in a different world where there are a lot of irresponsible people.

I don't find it at all unlikely that a couple of work colleagues would have unprotected sex, nor that one would forget to mention his STD status. That doesn't leave me shocked or surprised in the slightest.

Bottom line (and I have said right from the start that I don't know how I'd approach it if I were the OP) is that if there is a possibility that she has been exposed then she needs to know about it. How OP goes about ascertaining that possibility, I have no idea. I don't know the people involved.

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 16:52

If he is the sort of bloke who would have unprotected sex with a woman when he knew he had HepB, then he's also likely to be the sort of bloke who might not be entirely honest when asked if he told her.

Just a thought.

The OP knows them, she will have to do what she thinks best. But if there is a chance that this women has unknowingly been exposed to HepB then she needs to know, that's just obvious isn't it?

Memoo · 14/02/2011 16:56

Just for the record sardine hepatitis isn't always an STD.

And you don't know he is the kind of bloke to have unprotected sex, the op I'd just guessing.

I think there is a lot of judging going on here simply because its hepititis

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 17:09

Yes I am aware of that Memoo have you been reading that link I posted? I mentioned that it could be passed from mother to baby - did you think I imagined that was sexual contact?

I am not sure what relevance sharing needles or other methods of transmission are to this situation which is a sexual encounter. That it can bee passed through sex is relevant, that it can be passed from mother to baby is relevant if OPs friend is of child-bearing age (she doesn't say in her OP.

Bottom line for me is that if this woman has been exposed to this infection and she does not know then she needs to know. That's all there is to it. Ignore the situation and her health is in jeopardy, she could spread it putting other people's health in jeopardy, if she falls pregnant (possibly ever) it could have serious consequences for the baby. I think she needs to know that, if I were her friend I would find a way to be sure that everything was alright.

SardineQueen · 14/02/2011 17:14

The reason I keep going memoo is because I thought your initial advice on this thread was terrible. It ignored the possibility of chronic infection, further spreading, damage to future children. if you no longer think that HepB is a triviality then fine we can stop.

Memoo · 14/02/2011 17:14

No don't really need to read the link. I think we will have to agree to disagree sardine. We are going round in circles.

Memoo · 14/02/2011 17:15

It wasn't advice btw it was am opinion, afwiw I think your advice is pretty shit too but there you go.

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