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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mothers of Sons Unite.

164 replies

MrsBananaGrabber · 12/02/2011 21:54

AIBU to not want to be grandmother number 2.

When my 2 DS's have children I want to be in their lives, not as someone who isn't as well regarded as their mothers mother.... as someone to be put up with.

Some DILS on here scare the shit out of me, I plan on getting along with my DILS, after all they will be the women with whom my sons have chosen to spend their lives with, they will become part of my family and be welcomed with open arms.......but the bitches had better let me near my grandchildren or else

OP posts:

pranma · 13/02/2011 17:15

Surely each marriage creates a new family with a new dynamic.It is the responsibility of every new family member to try to make it work.Unfortunately it is true that girls as adults seem to cleave more closely to their mums than boys do.In a good relationship mum is the girl's prime role model and if she had a happy childhood she looks to her mum for help and advice on how to give her dc the same.Her relationship with her m-i-l is rarely as close as with her own mum [and it would be odd if it were].This is no excuse/reason for excluding her m-i-l. My dd's m-i-l has 2 sons and no dd.does this mean she is denied the closeness to dgs that I have?No it does not.It delighted me to see her with dd having a giggle together.it delighted me to be invited to m-i-l's mum's 80th party.give your dc the closest,widest,most loving family you can and you will never regret it.

annielouisa · 13/02/2011 17:53

Pranma I think you make some really good points. I have DD and DD who have DC and I have worked hard to try and develop a caring relationship with my DS2 DF as she is the mother of my DG6. I have a times felt a bit like nanny 2 but know turning things into a battleground will be hurtful for us all. I have worked at being supporting and non judgmental as I know DF is very young and has other difficult issues. I love all my DG and would always try to treat them fairly.

bentneckwine1 · 13/02/2011 20:27

Chatelaine Thank You! It was only when my mum died and the death announcement was published that many people realised my gran and mum were not in fact mother and daughter...which I thought was a lovely testament to them both.

nooka · 13/02/2011 21:07

The odd thing about this conversation is how little mention there is of the father in all of this. My dh is a SAHD and has a very strong relationship with both of our children (ds and dd) when/if ds has children, will he not want his dad's advice (in a role model way) or to bring his children to visit his dad? It's as if only the female-female relationships matter, and the mother is somehow the gateway to the grandchildren. That seems very strange and wrong to me. I can see that in generations past when fathers were much more hands off this dynamic might be true, but surely not any more?

My MIL died before we got married and dh is deliberately distant with his father. I am close to mine although they drive me around the bend (and no one is loved for 'knowing best' regardless of their relationship). I regard relationships with dh's family to be his responsibility and relationships with my family to be my responsibility. Do some women assume responsibility for their dh's family perhaps?

JingleMum · 13/02/2011 21:21

NOOKA-

interesting point. i can only assume it's because the males in the family leave it to the women in the family to sort out the family get togethers/childcare etc... i know that my DP is guilty of that. obviously this doesn't apply to all.

tigitigi · 13/02/2011 22:52

dh and I work together to make sure all our parents are as close to the DCs as possible - there is no No1, No2 etc.

pommedeterre · 14/02/2011 08:05

Jinglemum - Nope. But it is more likely to be a regular fixed sunday evening type affair than the quick chat just cos I felt like talking to you on a thursday lunchtime iyswim. I also think it is more likely to be mum organising vists than son whereas a dd may offer up more Ideas/times for visits.I know this is a huge generalisation it just seems to be what happens if I look at dh, dbil, db and friend's dh's. Once there is a wife things seem to fall to her more, especially once she is a mother and (again huge stereotype) likely to be spending more time in the house with the dc.
My mil and dh have caused me upset because mil was very used pre me to coming to stay with dh and just doing all the cooking (bringing own food) and cleaning his house. She continued this with me. Pre dd I was bemused by it but didn't really say anything about it. Post dd when I was 'running' the house as I work pt and dh very very ft it really upset and offended me. My own mother would never do that because when I went to uni I became an adult in charge of her own house and food for her and any guests. Dh hadn't done that and had let her clean and cook for him until last month I put my foot down.
Have I explained any better?

daytoday · 14/02/2011 09:32

There's no conversation about the men in the family because the original post was specifically about MIL - DIL relationship.

I don't necessarily think its a given that the maternal mother will be more involved with GC that the MIL. Perhaps this is sometimes a figment of the MIL's imagination? Not all daughters get on with their mothers. Maybe its more to do with the mother trying to dominate the daughter and grandchildren, than the daughter leaving out the MIL.

I also don't think that sons can't be as close to mothers as girls can. As society changes, I think more boys are closer to their mums and are more expressive. Which is a brilliant thing.

cory · 14/02/2011 10:00

My only fear is that I will never be able to live up to the high standards of loveliness set by my own MIL.

But as for nooka's post, I think the males in the family can have a big influence on the MIL-DIL relationship. As an adult I have realised that one reason my mum coped so badly with her MIL was that my dad was quite simply wet when problems first arose in the early days of their relationship: if my mum could have felt a little more sure of his support, she might not have taken things quite so badly.

SuchProspects · 14/02/2011 11:46

daytoday - the post was specifically about the GP-GC relationship for GP's on the male side. The lack of conversation about men is really because our society still has very gendered assumptions about childcare.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 14/02/2011 11:50

I am pathetically sad about this. I have 4 sons. I had a DD and she was the oldest but she died when she was 14. I mourn the loss of my DD's children and [think I ] know that it will never be the same with my DS's children.

I dont think I will ever get over it.

My DS's children will not be second best to me but I fear I will be second best to them.

It is a truly awful, sad feeling.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/02/2011 11:59

MrsBananaGrabber... I get your posts, really funny and the fact that some can't 'read' them speaks volumes.

With you on the MIL thing and laughing at the 'subliminal messages'... put them on a dvd and play it softly to the every night while they sleep...

Family is about respect, tolerance and not trying to usurp anybody elses' position in the family. Some of the DIL posts here are vile and you can see why and where some of the problems exist. Other DILs seem so nice and sometimes I feel like matching up the nice MILs with the nice DILs, sod the marriages.

JingleMum · 14/02/2011 12:48

pommedeterre yes, i understand what you mean now. as for your MIL, i'm not surprised you've finall put your foot down. she should have stopped that as soon as you and DH started living together.

thefirstMrsDeVere i'm so sorry for your loss and can understand why you would feel the way you do, especially after reading the posts that sometimes crop up on mumsnet. you are a mother of 4 sons, i personally think that statistically you will be very close to at least one of your DIL's and a very hands on grandmother to her and your son's children. i come from a really big family (lots of male cousins) and their mothers (my aunties) are a massive part of their son's children's lives, a little too involved and actually expected to do a hell of alot of babysitting for their son's and DIL's children. i really wouldn't worry, you'll probably be much more involved than you think.

Original poster

MrsBananaGrabber · 14/02/2011 23:20

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe - I have to remember that people take things literally and that my fabulous attempts at humour can be taken as fact (feel a bit bad for calling someone a c**t though)

I stil stand by the fact that the granny no2 thing is crap and I simply wont allow it My 9 year old made me a valentines card in French today and my 7 year old is being a little twat .......there is no way i'm ever giving them or their children up.

OP posts:

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