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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers of Sons Unite.

164 replies

MrsBananaGrabber · 12/02/2011 21:54

AIBU to not want to be grandmother number 2.

When my 2 DS's have children I want to be in their lives, not as someone who isn't as well regarded as their mothers mother.... as someone to be put up with.

Some DILS on here scare the shit out of me, I plan on getting along with my DILS, after all they will be the women with whom my sons have chosen to spend their lives with, they will become part of my family and be welcomed with open arms.......but the bitches had better let me near my grandchildren or else Wink

OP posts:
Foreverondiet · 12/02/2011 23:34

I think if you only have young boys you are overthinking this.

I think its hard for grandparents when the dad doesn't stay with the mum as then there really can be access issues.

I recently commented to SIL that her mum (my MIL) never offered to look after DC and that I always had to ask and that it must be easier for her as it was her mum and she said no exactly the same for her she had to ask too.

MillyR · 12/02/2011 23:36

Yes, I really don't get it. If I had grandchildren I hope that I would care about my relationship with my grandchildren, not whether or not the other grandmother is getting more than me. You really sound like you don't care about the prospective child at all but just want to make things difficult for your son by point scoring.

Original poster
MrsBananaGrabber · 12/02/2011 23:36

WimpleOfTheBallet, she sounds very odd, I don't think i'd go that far Wink

OP posts:
MsKLo · 12/02/2011 23:37

its not that we want to be second granny but as a mil, you need to respect your dil and leave it to her terms or you will just make things worse

MsKLo · 12/02/2011 23:39

oh my wimpoftheballet

i feel for you, how do you cope with that?

what a deranged woman she is!

poor you!

Original poster
MrsBananaGrabber · 12/02/2011 23:39

MillyR, not really, it's just a response to another thread where someone mentioned the granny no2 thing, it's really not a subject that keeps me up at night, not yet anyway.

I just thought I would start a lighthearted thread but this is AIBU and these things always go this way.

OP posts:
mamatomany · 12/02/2011 23:40

Some people just do not want to have the same relationship with their grandchildren that they had with their own child because maybe they fucked it up and they are trying to over compensate or maybe they feel they did a marvelous job and were so good they want the DGC to have the benefit too.
I've seen both sides, my poor Aunty would be the child catcher type if you believed my cousin wife, but there's two sides to every story.

scottishmummy · 12/02/2011 23:42

have you been drinking bananagrabber.electric soup

Original poster
MrsBananaGrabber · 12/02/2011 23:48

I haven't been drinking but I need one after trying to decipher your posts.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 12/02/2011 23:49

and indeed us bitches are agog at your rants

Catnao · 12/02/2011 23:49

I always thought grandparenthood was a long way away for me. But my ten year old son in Y6 has been in a long term relationship Wink since the beginning of Y5, and he and his "future wife" (his words) have tea at each other's houses at least once a week and exchange Christmas, birthday and, yes, valentines gifts...I met her mum at the open evening for the big school, and she asked me (joking of course) whether I had considered a hat yet...

This is just a phase right? RIGHT?? Wink

Original poster
MrsBananaGrabber · 12/02/2011 23:50

A rant this isn't, my rants are far superior than this.

OP posts:
Catnao · 12/02/2011 23:51

Although, all things considered, I'd love it if she turned out to be my DIL in the future - she's great, my son is punching well above his weight (and currently she's only about a foot or so taller than him).

WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/02/2011 23:54

I just told her the score....it took me about a month of going Hmm to her weird comments and then one day I snapped anf=d told her firmly to back off back to granny land....she backed off but our relationship is strained now.

She sees the DDs when she wants...she lives abroad luckily so I don't suffer too much!

She is a dear in some ways...just a bit potty.

i wwas thinking about what if I died and DH did too...who would I leave the kids to...and the obvious choice would be my sister...but I cannot think of anyone who would worship the DDs like i do.....except my MIL. Shock

So ...there's a silver lining to the cloud of obsessive granny love!

Though in reality she might be a bit too old now. Sad

Original poster
MrsBananaGrabber · 12/02/2011 23:54

Catnao, my 9 year old had a friend who happens to be a girl over for dinner, he said I think she's my girlfriend, I said why do you think that, he said because she touched my arm when we were playing wii Confused

OP posts:
WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/02/2011 23:57

Catnao..my DD is 6 and has been procured as the future wife of the naughtiest boy in her class...by his Mother!

She takes every opportunity to engineer meetings between them and has been known to say "Tom...you WILL marry little Wimple...she's very good for you. Now hold hands!"

Grin
MillyR · 12/02/2011 23:57

MBG, I have so say I have worried about it. I think I would try and do the following:

  1. Not voice opinions on DIL's choices or the relationship between her and DS.
  1. Apologise profusely if I do something to annoy her, even if it is blatantly not my fault.
  1. Accept that I may miss out more in the early years when the children may be with DIL most of the time, but that I will probably get to see more of the children as they get older.
  1. Accept that it is my fault that I didn't have as many children as I wanted, and I can't try and take over someone else's as a consolation prize, much as I would like to!
Catnao · 12/02/2011 23:58

It's worse than that here banana,if I may call you that! My son and his girlfriend openly refer to each other as such, have no care about being teased about the situation and have chosen each other as one of their preferred choices for tutor group in Y7...Catnao thinks seriously about what kind of MIL she is going to be! Grin

Original poster
MrsBananaGrabber · 13/02/2011 00:15

MillyR , I agree with all those points. We can only do our best with our sons and what will be will be, it's hard to imagine our little boys as grown men.

Catnao, I have friends who have been together since primary school so it does happen, you had better start getting on her good side now Wink

It's Wine time for me now, it's 7.15 here, time to tell la precious sons to bugger off and go and watch a film.

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 13/02/2011 00:28

Tigerbomb as you have a dd, coming on this thread and reciting that poem is a bit "Ner-ner" don't you think?Grin

I said on that thread that I expect to be granny No2. It used to bother me but I have decided not to let it. I don't mean that I won't be a granny at all and that I won't be involved but I have learned by my own MILs mistakes that if you push in where you are not wanted and interfere with your ds's and DILs parenting, you are far more likely to be excluded than if your DILs mother does this.

My mother came to stay when I had my boys. I felt I needed her and because she was on my wavelength about things like bfing ( she bf my brother till he was 3 and in the eighties that was unusual!) whereas MIL had switched to formula very early on. And in most cases you are likely to be on the same wavelength as the woman who raised you than the woman who raised your husband.

So, if my DIL, for example, doesn't want to bf or wants to wean at 3 months or wants to use a baby-walker, I will not be happy about it but am determined not to say anything or to use drop hints about WHO guidelins or leave fecking leaflets lying around ( MILs speciality) My DILs mother can do these things if she wants and risk the backlash!
Grin

I will give advice if asked. I will mind the baby when asked to, hell, I might even offer! But I won't demand to look after the baby overnight before my DIL wants to let me do this for her PFB. By the time she has four of them, she may actually beg me to do it!

Catnao · 13/02/2011 01:00

I will be super pleased if young catnao and "girlfriend" become real girlfriend and boyfriend when older if they stay as lovely as they both are now - she's like the daughter I would like but haven't got, plus I'm not her mum so only see her lovely side! Realistically, I hope that when he's a grown up, he shows such good taste!

BaggedandTagged · 13/02/2011 01:41

MrsB- I get where you're coming from.

I am quite conscious of being fair on time between the grannies ( MIL has no daughters with children). Hard as we live overseas but on trips home I try to make it "even".

My MIL is absolutely lovely but I think the issue is that when I'm with my mum, I know she'll say what she means, whereas MIL will say yes just to be nice/ polite.

So if I said "can you babysit whilst I do X", MIL would always say yes even if it was inconvenient whereas my mum would say "no, stop taking the piss" Grin

So MIL and I sort of dance around one another trying to second guess.

GloriaSmut · 13/02/2011 01:59

I'm nobody's No.2 Nana.

I am, however, ever so blessed with the most beautiful dgd who is 6 weeks old today and I'm cool about the fact that I have sons because I now have a lovely daughter in law too.

I didn't ever yearn to be a granny and ds2 didn't hurry to make me one. But I've discovered that when it happens, it is splendid experience and for sure, we have no grandmotherly pecking orders in our family.

So don't despair all you other mothers of sons! I'm a great believer that if you don't look for unnecessary difficulties then they'll rarely find you.

CheerfulYank · 13/02/2011 02:09

That's sweet catnao :) DS (three) refers to a classmate as his "grill-friend." She calls him her "prince." She's quite a little spitfire and vv naughty, but adorable and somehow sweet despite it. And her mom is lovely, so if ever turns into anything real I don't think I'll mind. Don't think I'll pick out a hat just yet, though!

JarethTheGoblinKing · 13/02/2011 02:09

My MIL is ace, doesn't pass judgement on my parenting, offers occasional sensible advise and (most importantly) looks after DS 1 day a week.

My own Mother, on the other hand, judgental caah Hmm