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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mothers of Sons Unite.

164 replies

MrsBananaGrabber · 12/02/2011 21:54

AIBU to not want to be grandmother number 2.

When my 2 DS's have children I want to be in their lives, not as someone who isn't as well regarded as their mothers mother.... as someone to be put up with.

Some DILS on here scare the shit out of me, I plan on getting along with my DILS, after all they will be the women with whom my sons have chosen to spend their lives with, they will become part of my family and be welcomed with open arms.......but the bitches had better let me near my grandchildren or else

OP posts:

working9while5 · 13/02/2011 02:30

Surely the thing to do is to be relatively decent to your own MIL and set an example of respect for your sons?

I have a mum acquaintance whose cattiness about her MIL astounds me. She will say things like: "and the old bitch brought him a teddy bear again, even though I fucking well TOLD her not to. Controlling wench. She makes out that she's being all innocent and that it's JUST a toy but I'm on to her. She's just trying to show me up. The way she speaks to him! "Oooh, aren't you lovely!". Like he was hers." etc etc

I have heard her say the most horrendous things about her MIL that I simply can't see the basis for. I did say to her once jokingly that we would have to be careful about how we talked about our MILs in front of our sons because otherwise they'll hook up with women who talk the same way about us..

Original poster

MrsBananaGrabber · 13/02/2011 03:32

My MIL is great, we are both only children and she makes me laugh when she's had too much wine.....oh boy do all the family secrets come out then, including how she has a secret fund for if she ever leaves fil

OP posts:

agnethafaltskog · 13/02/2011 06:00

I thought your OP was funny and I got the bitches comment (though you were out of line to call scottishmummy a c*, even though she is obviously deranged ).

I read an interview with Gloria Hunniford in which she rather bitchily said that when her daughter was alive she had been "senior grandmother" to her dd's boys. I thought that was spiteful.

I just have one DD and I fear I will be such a needy, interfering mum when she flies the nest that she will take refuge in the calming bosom of her future MIL

DD is only 6 so I do have time for some psychotherapy before this happens!

nooka · 13/02/2011 06:20

I think that it's a bit foolish to assume that because you have a daughter you will always be close to her and that therefore you will be less close to your sons. I suspect that personality is far more important. My brother dotes on my mother way more than me or my sisters, who like to keep her at arms length.

Likewise I can't see any good reason to assume that you are automatically likely to spend more time with your daughters children than your sons. This seems a very old fashioned view to me. I think that if you bring your sons up to be equal parents of any children that they might have they are then as likely to turn to you for advice or support, or to bring their children to visit. after all you may not be your DIL's mother, but you are your son's mother.

toeragsnotriches · 13/02/2011 07:24

OMG I was only just thinking this. That's so odd.

My friend's has two older brothers who both had kids before my friend. And when she became pregnant her mum was sooo happy - she explained that it was more special when her daughter had a baby, more of a bond etc etc.

As a mum to 2 DSs that's really upset me.

I will be studying this thread to make myself feel better. Thank you MrsBananaGrabber .

roadtrain · 13/02/2011 08:20

I think you just have to accept that the maternal and paternal grandmothers have different roles.

In my case, I was happy for my mum to watch me give birth to the first DC, but even though I like my MIL, the thought of her watching is frankly gross!

My mum comes round to my house and she can speak freely, including criticizing. If I think she has been critical, I can take it and sometimes I will say "shut up you miserable old bag" . Even though it is lighthearted, I would never ever dream of speaking to my MIL like that! And I would also not receive criticism on my housekeeping well from MIL. I will reiterate that I do like my MIL. But she didn't bring me up - it's my mum that I lived with.

My mum is also a MIL to my SIL. She would never criticise SIL, she helps her but it is not her place to criticise. Not that SIL has anything to criticise, she's very nice. But it does have to be different IMO. She is aware that she is not SIL's mum.

Fernie3 · 13/02/2011 08:29

I think about this occasionally - not often as my son is only 4 though!. I have three daughters and one son, of course I know that he will probably one day find a partner but the thought of not being allowed to call him or visit more than once a month or whatever is deemed appropriate makes me feel a little sad. He is known as " the boy" and I I hope he will still be "the boy when he is 40!.
I keep reading posts an
But MIls who want to see the grandchildren once a week/ month/year as being too overbearing, but mothers who want too se them the same amount are described as uninterested!. Will i be expected to favour my daughters children over my sons?

Fernie3 · 13/02/2011 08:30

Whoa what happened there... Middle bit deleted! Keeps reading posts about MIls...etc...

sleepingsowell · 13/02/2011 08:42

firstly I must say that the awful cliched "a son is a son until..." crap is just so horrible. I don't believe it for a second. I mean, if you treat a son and daughter differently perhaps you could create that for yourself. And society does try to force us to treat them differently in a way. Boys must do certain things and not do others (seen as 'girly') - but if we stand out against society's norms, and if we keep faith with our boys and truly love and value what they ARE not what society says that they should be like as men then in my opinion, your relationship with them will be good enough that they will want you involved with their children.

I think it's also about accepting that yes, the DIL is the one going through the labour; I wouldn't expect to watch a girl I had not known more than a couple of years perhaps, have her baby. You have to accept what involvement they give, and maybe day to day that girl will be more comfortable with her mum, but that does not mean you won't see and won't forge deep profound and lovely relationships with your grandchildren.

Also, there are many families out there which are different to the norm - where the DIL may not have support from her mum for whatever reason. I think we just have to concentrate on our relationships with our sons, to be honest.

charley24 · 13/02/2011 08:42

My girls aged 6 and 11 have spent a night a fortnight at my PIL's since birth, they also go for tea every friday.

My mother as looked after my eldest once.

My MIL is amazing !!!!

sleepingsowell · 13/02/2011 08:43

While we have them at home as children, that is.

sleepingsowell · 13/02/2011 08:46

Also, I have found that the children themselves, once past the toddler stage, are very effective advocates for seeing grandparents - my DS will badger us to go and see, and preferably sleep over with, my MIL and FIL! I couldn't exclude them even if I wanted to because DS so loves to see them!

OK, there are the dysfunctional things where the DIL may not allow GPs to see kids enough for this bond to form or may just ignore the kids wishes but that would be highly unusual I would say and lets just pray we bring our boys up not to choose deranged girls!!!

Fernie3 · 13/02/2011 08:49

Sleepngsowell it's true that families are all different, my mum died when i was young so my MIL is the only grandmother - in fact the only regularly seen grandparent. She visits once or twice a week and as far as i am concerned is welcome as often as she pleases. So I suppose i have answered my own worries there!

RMCW · 13/02/2011 08:52

I seem to buck the trend here...My mum is not very helpful at all with my 2 dc.

We live within a 10 min drive of both sets of parents.

My PIL are far more involved in my dc life than my parents...they spend time there in the week and generally have a sleepover on a friday night.

I would always as PIL first for help. Always.

SuchProspects · 13/02/2011 08:58

I have a great MIL (and FIL). We're not best friends or anything and I wouldn't choose to spend time in her company if she wasn't family, but she is a great support to our family. Not just me, not just DH, nor just the DGCs, but our family. I really appreciate the way she puts skin in the game, pitches-in in an emergency, reminds us not to be too hard on our selves, keeps (most!) of her criticisms to herself, etc.

It's not the same relationship I have with my own mum, but OP isn't talking about a need to recreate a daughter relationship with her DIL, she's talking about having a relationship with her GCs, who are her sons children as much as her DIL's. I would never consider my PILs to be second class GPs. What a horrible thing to do to your children. I try hard to foster a good relationship between my DCs and all their grandparents.

I think the trick is to bring your sons up to expect to have as much of a role in childcare as their DPs, to not be mummy's boys, to have a good model for grandparent roles in their own family, and to have enough self-respect and emotional intelligence to not marry a mummy's girl. I think that's good advice for bringing up daughters too.

Georgimama · 13/02/2011 09:00

I'm with Morloth. I adore my son and can't wait for number 2 to come along (boy or girl, don't know and don't mind at all) but whilst I hope to continue to have good relationships with my children when they are adults, I hope DH and I will be fit enough and financially secure enough in retirement to do some things we want to do - travel, eat out regularly, take up interests, spend time together. I am not going to be amused if I am expected to provide childcare for daughter or DIL week in week out.

Georgimama · 13/02/2011 09:03

And before anyone who read my posts on the other thread accuses me of hypocrisy, yes my mother does look after DS 1 day a week, but only at her own instigation and insistence (funnily enough, because she does it for my brother and SIL's children at their request and must be "fair").

Alouiseg · 13/02/2011 09:05

Dh and I will be far too busy having a ball to worry about small children.

grumpyhairbear · 13/02/2011 09:05

I have read similar stuff from Gloria hunniford and have often found her pathetic 'I was senior grandma' bleatings really annoying and disrespectful. She is always going on about her rights etc - and she sounds like a pompous ass!

edam · 13/02/2011 09:15

ds is only seven but has already been thinking about this. Apparently he is going to marry X, his friend at school, when they are both 23 (giving time for them to go to university). Fine, in fact quite impressive, but on the way home the other night he told me I've got to look after the babies while they are at work!

No idea where he's got this from as his friend's mother is a SAHM and ds has never even been babysat by his Grannies - one is too frail and the other too far away. Ds has been cared for by nursery, a nanny, a childminder and after school club.

Still, nice to know he intends me to have a role in his children's lives - although I don't know what X thinks about this...

MarshaBrady · 13/02/2011 09:24

My parents are good. Provide a sunny and lovely home if I want to use it. But apply no pressure re visiting.

Which is how I intend to be, crikey at feeling in competition with another grandmother.

Future Dil's relationship with her family has nothing to do with me.

I hope to having fun doing my revitalised sparkling career by then anyway....

SmethwickBelle · 13/02/2011 09:28

I haven't read all the threads but I don't see it as a problem (I have two boys) - people complain about their mums too, probably as much if not more than MILs.

GettinTrimmer · 13/02/2011 09:30

(wine)

elseIlltellyourfather · 13/02/2011 09:52

I think it is scary but only because we imagine our lives as they are now; with our young children they are, through nessecity, the centre of our lives. By the time my DSs have children they will, I hope, have been grown up and away from home for some time. I will be working, maybe F/T, and will have hobbies, friends, a fulfilling relationship with DH and the DGC (and DIL) will be a wonderful addition to my life, not the new centre of it.

Biscuitscoco · 13/02/2011 09:59

I loved my mother in law to bits. Of course the chances were always that I would like her as she had brought up my lovely husband.

She is my role model for how I will get on with my son's wife if he has one!

Can't stand all this 'I hate my mother in law' stuff on here personally.

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