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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers of Sons Unite.

164 replies

MrsBananaGrabber · 12/02/2011 21:54

AIBU to not want to be grandmother number 2.

When my 2 DS's have children I want to be in their lives, not as someone who isn't as well regarded as their mothers mother.... as someone to be put up with.

Some DILS on here scare the shit out of me, I plan on getting along with my DILS, after all they will be the women with whom my sons have chosen to spend their lives with, they will become part of my family and be welcomed with open arms.......but the bitches had better let me near my grandchildren or else Wink

OP posts:
georgeorwell · 12/02/2011 23:02

jeez who'd want a mil that uses the c word? potty mouth

mamatomany · 12/02/2011 23:03

I hope my DS is gay but doesn't like bum sex, maybe a kiss at most.
Being a MIL is the hardest job in the world you cannot do right for doing wrong, my own MIL drives us all demented even the children can't stand her and DH being an only child is the biggest part of the problem if you ask me.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/02/2011 23:04

I was always open to my MIL...however she turned out to be a nutcase who thought it ok to ngrab DC from me etc.

I think the only advice I can offer is that the MIL anger comes from something deeply biological...the MIL is another woman...a threat to your child...in a weird way...I can't quite explain it.

But I don't KNOW my MIL...she's not my Mum...I don't know her....how can I trust her?

Oh I know she did an ok job of DH...but that could be a fluke.

CheerfulYank · 12/02/2011 23:04

Oh for heaven's sake, does anyone actually think OP was serious with her "bitch" comment?!

shirazgirl · 12/02/2011 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 12/02/2011 23:05

oh sweet jesus not the hardest job in world line

cussy cantankerous gran isnt a job

dont kid self on

Morloth · 12/02/2011 23:06

I always think the mothers on here who are so desperate for control of their little families are the nightmare MILs of tomorrow.

2 reasons, firstly they are going to fight to retain control of their adult children and also because their children will have internalised how you treat your parents when you are an adult.

I get on very well with my MIL and am quite happy for my son's to fly the nest, I am also not totally wrapped up in my role as mother (to the exclusion of everything else) so don't worry about this at all.

DaphneHeartsFred · 12/02/2011 23:08

I'll be OK. I've already chosen DS's future wife, so I know exactly what she's like and what makes her tick. I also know that she has lovely parents which helps. Future DIL has chosen the house we are ALL going to live in.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/02/2011 23:08

I'm happy for my DC to fly the nest too...but I don't want a woman I barely know refusing to hand my baby back...or calling her "My Baby"

begonyabampot · 12/02/2011 23:12

My MIL and FIL are no1 gran and grandpa to our children - not my parents who are less interested, patient and done the whole gran/grandpa thing before. Doesn't always follow that DIL will sway to her parents.

scottishmummy · 12/02/2011 23:12

you marry/hook uo with the man not the mammie

and as children become autonomous adult the mum role diminishes in some aspects.the significance and role change

DuelingFanjo · 12/02/2011 23:13

I have just become the mother of a son and my attitude is still that I will wait to be invited to spend time with my grandchildren.

Obviously I run the risk of being thought of as someone who doesn't shoe enough interest but I would rather wait to be asked than force myself into my son's relationship and family life.

I hope too that I raise him to be able to tell me (nicely) to back-off if for some reason I am too overpowering. I want him to feel free to live a life independent of mine; I want him to have his own life and to make his own choices.

So many times on Mumsnet us DIls get told 'just you wait until you have sons' but I really hope I don't become one of the MILs/grandparents I regularly read about on here.

OP - if you are already thinking of your future DILs as bitches then that's terrible!

Original poster
MrsBananaGrabber · 12/02/2011 23:17

My MIl had 6 grandchildren before mine came along (my DH has 2 much older sisters) so I never experienced an intense need of another woman to smother my PFB, my mother on the other hand is different story.

We live 3,000 miles away from home, we are a little unit, we get yearly visits from the in laws but my children don't see them as surplus to requirements, as the default set of grandparents, I would never allow it.

OP posts:
Foreverondiet · 12/02/2011 23:22

YABVVU - I have never heard of this second rate grandmother thing - and I think it would only be that way if you wanted it to be.

My mum lives abroad and my MIL lives locally. My MIL sees DC at least once a week, she looks after them, they stay over at her house...my mum sees them much less often.

I was much closer to my paternal grandmother - she did live closer (she moved to be around corner from us) she took much more interest in my life - eg took us to museums every sunday... I went to her flat for dinner every friday evening. She even insisted on coming to my graduation (200 miles away so 400 mile round trip) Sadly she is no longer with us.. but I think of her every day.

Original poster
MrsBananaGrabber · 12/02/2011 23:23

Jesus. The bitches comment was a joke.

My sons can do what the hell they like, I will guide them as best I can and welcome any future DILS with open arms but I know that it would hurt to be granny number 2.

Who knows, maybe i'll be too busy frolicking in the sun with DH and they will be begging me to visit, it's a long way off.

OP posts:
MillyR · 12/02/2011 23:24

I think if you are already thinking about whether or not the other grandmother is better regarded than you or not, you are already turning relationships into some sort of competition.

You are likely to end up making your relationship with your grandchild and you everyone else's relationship with you very difficult indeed.

scottishmummy · 12/02/2011 23:26

maybe the humourless cunts and dil bitches dont get your witty riposte

MsKLo · 12/02/2011 23:26

I think it is inevitable in most cases that if you have sons (and I have a son as well as a daughter) you will be nana no 2 as most women will be closer to their mums and there is nothing wrong with that and they should not feel bad to be closer to their mums!

all i know is i will do my best to love and cherish any future dil and bite my tongue at stuff that is not to my taste and be respectful of their space!

WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/02/2011 23:27

It wasn't a riposte.

Original poster
MrsBananaGrabber · 12/02/2011 23:28

The thought had never crossed my mind until I read it on here. Some women seem to regard their MIL as some kind of child catcher, it's scary if you have sons tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBananaGrabber · 12/02/2011 23:30

I think you have had too much cheap cider scotishmummy.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 12/02/2011 23:30

you are the embodiment of bulgy eyed mil with your posts and bitches

scottishmummy · 12/02/2011 23:31

cheap is u drunk digs dont deflect from nutty posts

WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/02/2011 23:33

My MIL IS the child catcher! She said one day whilst she hogged my baby "I suppose what I really want is a baby of my own"

In a vaguely spooky voice.

She also claimed that she witnessed DDs first steps before I did and that DD called her Mummy sometimes.

MIL is perfectly reasonable in other ways.

One has to wonder...WHY so many wful MIL tales abound, There's no smoke without fire.

Original poster
MrsBananaGrabber · 12/02/2011 23:34

Maybe it's just me who doesn't want to wear the worlds second best granny hat, oh well.

OP posts: