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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mothers of Sons Unite.

164 replies

MrsBananaGrabber · 12/02/2011 21:54

AIBU to not want to be grandmother number 2.

When my 2 DS's have children I want to be in their lives, not as someone who isn't as well regarded as their mothers mother.... as someone to be put up with.

Some DILS on here scare the shit out of me, I plan on getting along with my DILS, after all they will be the women with whom my sons have chosen to spend their lives with, they will become part of my family and be welcomed with open arms.......but the bitches had better let me near my grandchildren or else

OP posts:

Odelay · 13/02/2011 09:59

My Ds has a wonderful relationship with his fathers parents, probably a bit closer than with mine actually. It gives me so much joy to see him adored by them, my parents and us of course. He is a very lucky boy and I know that whatever happens in his life he has the care and support of us all. It's a nice feeling

Odelay · 13/02/2011 10:02

Oh and Mil and Fil are great. I don't necessarily agree with everything they do and say but that they brought up DP to be a lovely man and wonderful father counts for a lot

diddl · 13/02/2011 10:18

What I do think is a sad is that some DILs forget that their MILs have given birth & been in hospital & perhaps can be trusted to know how to behave?

bentneckwine1 · 13/02/2011 10:34

I have told this story on here before.

My mum and gran (her MIL) were extrememly close to the extent that many people assumed they were mother and daughter. This close bond was formed over many years and was in no small part down to my gran's ability to listen/be interested/help without interfering.

When I was born (PFB) my gran met my dad in the waiting area at the maternity unit. Dad appeared carrying this tiny, wilted bunch of flowers that he had bought on the way home from work. My gran on the other hand was struggling to hold a basket of pink flowers/teddy/chocolate that she had ordered from the florist.
Gran took one look at dad (her DS) and gave him such a row about how much my mum had been through and made him swap the flowers!!

Everybody was under strict instructions not to tell mum about the swap - and she never ever found out. She used to show me the basket when I was a little girl and tell me all about how excited she was when dad entered the ward looking like a walking advert for interflora. The basket and ribbons were in among mum's things when she died - and that is when gran told me the true story.

What I am trying to say is that the obvious love and respect my gran showed to her DIL meant that the same level of love and respect was reflected back....and develpoed into such a wonderful relationship that we grandchildren revelled in.

I have one DS and I hope I can be half the MIL my gran was.

DuelingFanjo · 13/02/2011 10:38

"What I do think is a sad is that some DILs forget that their MILs have given birth & been in hospital & perhaps can be trusted to know how to behave?"

but most stories posted here are about In-laws who are not resecting the fact that the new mum really doesn't want anyone visiting so soon after the birth. It's hardly ever the case that the In-law is being respectful of the new mum's preferences for her own birth and recovery. Also it often comes down to the fact that their DH / partner can't stand up for them.

bentneckwine1 · 13/02/2011 10:47

I meant to add to my post...my mum gave me some good advice about being a DIL when I got married. She made sure that I realised that my new in-laws were my husbands parents and had to be respected in terms of christmas/birthdays and time spent with them as a family.

When my DS was born my mum and MIL visited the hospital at the same time. DS was in the crib - my mum lifted him out and handed him straight to my MIL for that 'first' cuddle. My in-laws lived further away and my mum was concious of that fact and wanted my MIL to feel part of it from the start.

So from my gran being such a wonderful MIL my mum became a fantastic much loved DIL. My husband used to say my mum treated him just like she was him own mother.
So the circle moved on and my mum became the MIL and me the DIL.

diddl · 13/02/2011 11:04

"DS was in the crib - my mum lifted him out and handed him straight to my MIL for that 'first' cuddle."

Now you see I think that was horribly patronising.

As if MIL needed your Mum´s permission, or wasn´t capable of lifting a newborn out herself.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 13/02/2011 11:05

I hope when my children grow up and have babies of their own that I will take the example of my mum and MIL - as they are both fab as mothers and MIL, they are there when we need them but they love being grandmothers and are happy to leave the parenting to myself and DH.

I do read threads on hear about interfering MILs and it makes me really appreciative the ones DH and I have!

bentneckwine1 · 13/02/2011 11:31

diddl - I can see from the written word that my mum's actions could have come across that way to someone reading who was not there to see the body language/nuances.

My mum and MIL were both standing there looking in the crib probably wondering who would move first. Mum lifted him and handed him to MIL saying something along the lines of 'you've travelled furthest to meet him you should get first go'. It was said with a smile and with respect.

The conversation about wanting MIL to be involved and have 'equal' granny time came in private between my mum and I when we chatted about DS first few days when I was home from hospital.

But thank you for taking the time to reply - it is always helpful to be encouraged to think about 'hidden meanings' in things we say without thinking.

JingleMum · 13/02/2011 12:21

i never really knew this issue existed before i joined this website!

i don't have a son, i have a daughter. if i ever have another child in the future then a son would be lovely, if it ends up that i one day gain a DIL then i will love and cherish her. i am really big on family and she will be family in my eyes, she will be treated with respect, made to feel welcome but not smothered (same applies to son in law). hopefully i will raise a son (if i ever have one!) that adores his mother, sister and wife and has the upmost respect for women, but is also man enough that if i did get a "nightmare DIL" he would fight my corner.

from a DIL's point of view, i would never stop my DD having a good relationship with my MIL, i have no right to! they are blood. i will admit hands up that i am closer to my own mum than my MIL (my MIL and i are very different) and i always turn to my own mum and family if i need a babysitter, having said that i do have an arrangement in place where my MIL gets 1 on 1 time every week with my DD. i have alot of friends with kids and i would say it's 50/50, some of them use their MIL far more often for childcare and some of them use their own mum far more for childcare.

As a DIL the best advice I could give to a MIL is under no circumstances come across as 'knowing better'. You will of course know better, merely as you have been there and done it, but DILs will be forever wary once you overstep the mark: this could be anything from rearranging cupboards...

i agree with this statement which was posted by another poster. this has caused a couple of issues between my MIL and i, nothing major but i've felt that she always feels she knows best when she doesn't. i know best for my child. that's something i am not ever going to do when my DD has kids. plus the re-arranging cupboards bit... my MIL done that one day and i can't tell you how pissed off i was, it was rude and unneccessary and it made me a little wary of her for a couple of weeks afterwards. DON'T BE THAT TYPE OF MIL AND YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE A PROBLEM!

JingleMum · 13/02/2011 13:32

MillyR -

2. Apologise profusely if I do something to annoy her, even if it is blatantly not my fault.

don't really agree with this point Milly, if something wasn't my fault i wouldn't be apologising profusely. i am not going to be scared of my DIL (if i ever have one) and be walking on egg shells. i would never let another woman have (or man for that matter) have that power over me.

toeragsnotriches · 13/02/2011 14:19

What about getting on with the other parents in law? Something I also worry about. I've been to too many weddings where you watch each side of the church eyeing each other suspiciously.

JingleMum · 13/02/2011 14:26

toeragsnotriches - i'm ridiculously sociable and i plan on inviting inlaws for christmas lunch so that we can all spend it together ; ) also plan on inviting them for sunday roasts, bbq's etc...

daytoday · 13/02/2011 14:26

It all depends on your relationship with your sons surely?

My relationship with my mum is pretty good. I see her as much as I did before I had children.

My MIL doesn't have a close relationship with her son (my DH). That said, their relationship is better since I came on the scene.

You'll get your just desserts. Its mostly about having an adult relationship with your adult children. It amazes me the amount of grown up women and men, who can't let their own children be adults too!

Any DIL worth her salt will be the matriarch of her own family. Any MIL worth her salt, will let her DIL be the matriarch of her own family. Support them and their choices and you can't go wrong.

You've had your spin on the wheel and accept this. And don't be bamboozled by the fantasy of 'Grand-parenting' its as bad as that rubbish romantic 'knight on the shining horse fantasy'. Full of picnics and sunshine hey and nit free shiny grandchildren. Not in any way realistic.

diddl · 13/02/2011 14:33

"It all depends on your relationship with your sons surely?"

I don´t necessarily think so tbh.

Just because you get on with your son doesn´t mean you will get on with his wife.

And if he wants a happy marriage, he might be persuaded to see less of you...

daytoday · 13/02/2011 14:41

diddl - if your son marriage/happiness is at risk because the DIL doesn't get on with the MIL then surely the blame lies on both sides - MIL and DIL.

If I were faced with that situation, my son's happiness would come before mine.

Also, MIL's need to be aware - us DIL's are not joining your family - you are joining ours!

toeragsnotriches · 13/02/2011 14:44

Agreed, JingleMum. I will make them like me!

JingleMum · 13/02/2011 14:46

Also, MIL's need to be aware - us DIL's are not joining your family - you are joining ours!

How so?

diddl · 13/02/2011 14:55

Yes, the blame probably is on both sides.

But when you say your son´s happiness comes first-what do you mean-you would see less of him or make more of an effort with DIL?

MIL & I are so different we just have nothing to say to each other after initial pleasantries.

We don´t not get on, but visits are strained, awkward & not enjoyable at all.

I have tried but it´s hard to keep a conversation going with just yes or no answers & tbh I think that they are happier to sit in silence than "converse unnecessarily"!

daytoday · 13/02/2011 14:59

The original poster talks about he MIL welcoming the new DIL into her family. I was flipping the logic.

DIL & Son's new family construct isn't the same as solely the MIL's family is it? Its an entirely different construct - made up of the DIL family and the SIL family. A hybrid.

Surely both sides of the family are united in the new family.

Chatelaine · 13/02/2011 15:01

Bentnceckwine1 - that is such a positive message and our family is the same Generous and considerate.

JingleMum · 13/02/2011 15:04

daytoday - yes, i hadn't really thought of it like that.

pommedeterre · 13/02/2011 15:44

Daytoday - totally agree and dd's are (big generalisation I know) more likely to have an adult relationship with their mum than ds's.

JingleMum · 13/02/2011 15:55

pommedeterre - i know i'm going to sound a bit dim but do you mean that son's (in general) won't really feel the need to phone their mum, visit their mum etc.. when they become an adult, whereas daughter's will?

vj32 · 13/02/2011 16:55

It is wierd in that I am thinking about this a lot but from the opposite point of view.

My parents live nearby but pil are a couple of hours away. I am thinking about how to make sure PIL in feel equally involved when our son is born, given that they will see him much less.

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