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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wish I had more positive mum friends?

83 replies

MaryPortasFan · 11/02/2011 19:38

OK, new poster, please go easy...

All the new mum people I have met since having my DD 12 weeks ago are really negative!

I know I'm lucky that we've had no colicky crying and my DD sleeps through most nights (but wakes 4+ times on others) but I have worked hard to establish bed time etc and some days she whinges all day- like all babies. But talking to the mums I've met, with older and younger babies, it is like a competition to prove whose baby is the hardest and who does the least housework because their baby needs them all the time.

Are there positive mums out there who don't find this baby thing TOO difficult, just a bit challenging at times but mostly fun?! Are there any other mums who think the housework can be done in a round an hour a day most days and is not hard to accomplish even if you do have- shock horror- a baby to look after?!

OP posts:

porcupine11 · 11/02/2011 19:42

Don't worry, everyone will emerge from the post-baby fug eventually, so stick with them! It's really tough going and a big life change for most, they might just be too sleepy and too focused on their own babies to make conversation other than talking about the difficult parts (and what are new mum friends for if not whinging, so you can save your last reserves of positivity for your old non-mum friends in order to not scare them all away!)

NinkyNonker · 11/02/2011 19:58

Well, I found it very easy to do when dd was 12 wks, now she's older she wants much more of my time. So there are days when I find it very hard to do anything and am frustrated by the time dh comes home. I consider myself lucky though, dd is a contented little thing (not as good a sleeper as she was at 12 wks...sorry!), she rarely cries and only grizzles when bored it tired. I can't imagine how hard it must be for friends who have babies who have hideous reflux or colic and never stop crying.

inkyfingers · 11/02/2011 20:01

in the early stages everyone needs to know they're not the only ones going through all the exhaustion, BF issues etc. they're all asking for sympathy, so you might as well oblige. The 'I haven't cleaned the toilet for 6 months' means 'don't judge me, I'm feeling vulnerable'.

FWIW my baby groups were full of women who looked completely together, had sleeping babies (all night) and it was me who looked ragged (or so I remember . Maybe it wasn't true, and everyone was putting on the act.

Enjoy your baby and don't lose the optimism.

Original poster

MaryPortasFan · 11/02/2011 20:07

Ok, reading back, maybe I sound a bit mean! I don't mind difficulties, I am well prepared for sleep regression, illness etc. I just feel a bit bored and lonely- all my friends are at work- and I was hoping to meet someone I could have a laugh with. Hey ho!

OP posts:

NinkyNonker · 11/02/2011 20:11

I do over exaggerate any minor issues sometimes in sympathy with those who are unhappy/struggling, maybe there is an element of that? If you're on the South Coast we'll have you, we're loving motherhood! (A couple of friends and I, that sounded a little like I'm in a same sex marriage!)

Original poster

MaryPortasFan · 11/02/2011 21:15

Nowhere near south coast... but thanks! It's nice to know I'm not the only positive one!

OP posts:

anonymosity · 11/02/2011 21:40

I think the other thing, is just because you've all got babies doesn't mean you're going to get along. I found two fantastic, jolly non-moaning friends in my NCT group and coffee morning. I cannot even remember any of the others.

terrystyg · 11/02/2011 22:41

"It's nice to know I'm not the only positive one!" Sorry but that's a really annoying and smug statement!So all the other mums in your group are just being deliberate negative whingers? You have hit lucky with your baby. She wakes up x 4 "some" nights, she whinges "some" days. That means you have not experienced the sheer misery of constant exhaustion.Just count yourself lucky.

scottishmummy · 11/02/2011 23:06

you are ever so unintentionally bragging.lucky you for serene baby and your "positive" mental attitude.but face it no one choses

hard to settle baby
crying baby
interrupted sleep
mood and motivational changes

so instead of opining the rest of mums are negative,why don't you try be more empathic to the tired harassed mums

working9while5 · 11/02/2011 23:13

working9while5 · 11/02/2011 23:15

(that was for sm's meanspirited comment, by the way, not the OP).

SM, did you ever think that maybe the OP is also adjusting to parenthood and would rather cope by having a laugh than having to moan competitively?

scottishmummy · 11/02/2011 23:18

wee humphyface.-how helpful.lucky op,but doesn't mean other mums lacking her chutzpah (nad easy baby) should be overlooked either

tigitigi · 11/02/2011 23:18

I found most people were very negative about their lovely new babies _ I just gave up on the new mums - ignored them all and enjoyed my time with my lovely little ones and nice normal people.

MoonUnitAlpha · 11/02/2011 23:19

I know what you mean OP, I get irritated with competitive misery too!

MrsMoosickle · 11/02/2011 23:26

< agrees with Scottish Mummy> I thought twas just I who felt OP was a little full of it!

I found no two days the same at the 3 -4 month stage, so could swing from euphoria to exhaustion. Glad I wasn't judged as negative on the days when it was all just a bit overwhelming.

Now, 23 months in....still knackered but don't give a feck about my grotty ever slipping domestic standards!

ZenNudist · 11/02/2011 23:36

Competitive misery is bad, but competitive positivity iyswim is worse. I'd hate to be in a mums group with someone who went on & on about how great they're doing, it's rude & insensitive to those struggling. Thankfully my mum friends are not whiners nor do they brag. We all have our good & bad days. I've noticed that the mums with e.g quiet well behaved daughters who are developing well don't sit there glowing about it to all. I keep a lid on ds's 12 hour sleeps at night and may talk about his daytime nap fighting instead, just because I don't feel like making mum of non sleeping dc feel bad.

Most parenting is a mixed bag and whilst it's good to be positive, best hope you don't come out seeming smug!

hairymelons · 11/02/2011 23:38

MaryPortasFan, how 'mostly fun' you find caring for your baby is often down to the luck of the draw. Eg, looking after easygoing DS2 is mostly fun, whereas looking after non-sleeping, unputdownable DS1 was a living nightmare.

I don't think you meant to be mean spirited, and fair fucks wanting to find friends to have fun with rather than engage in competitive moaning but...most people find this time REALLY hard. So you can prob see why it grates a bit.

working9while5 · 12/02/2011 00:01

I think that competitive positivity is just another coping mechanism which simply doesn't mesh well with competitive moaning.

Friend of mine was full of tales about how she had established a great bedtime routine etc and would never co-sleep because she wouldn't "spoil" her child like that and how she didn't find the tiredness that bad etc etc etc and how she was so proud of herself for getting through the pain of birth without pain relief and that her dc had taken so well to breastfeeding etc. You know the drill. Her dc is about eight months younger than my non-sleeping monkey and I just smiled and nodded but I did advise her not to talk too much about how easy birth/feeding was for her around others etc.
Months later and it has - perhaps unsurprisingly - all changed and I am gently saying things like: "most babies go through periods of sleeplessness, you know, it's not a sign that you are on a one way road to a visit from Supernanny" etc.

There is a third way, and that was mine. I really didn't want to listen to anyone moaning or self-congratulating. I didn't want to talk about feeding or sleeping (neither of which were going even vaguely well - understatement of the year). I just wanted to talk about general stuff: what size nappies they were using, where they bought x and y from, general chit chat about life.

I found - and still find - baby talk somehow invasive. I didn't want to talk about ds's weight gain issues anymore than I would have talked about a medical issue I was having. I also didn't want to talk about how much love I felt for him, or how freaked out I was about the birth or how I actually quite liked giving the early morning feed when the world was covered in snow. General stuff, yes. Qualitative stuff, no. I was really relieved when I met a third time mum who didn't really have any interest in talking about much more than her neighbour's illicit affair, it was a diversion from the intensity of it all.

I think mostly, though, new mums just do whatever they can to adjust and largely it reflects their personality/general coping strategies. It's an uncertain time. When you meet people who are also trying to learn and adjust and navigate a changed world, some of what they say might just unsettle you if you are trying to see only positives just as what you say may seem insensitive to them.

TheSecondComing · 12/02/2011 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenEyesandHam · 12/02/2011 00:08

Ach you're 12 weeks in, bless

scottishmummy · 12/02/2011 00:08

so just as the op validates her positivity and fun as legitimate coping strategy.other mums with demanding children will equally feel they can legitimately off load about their baby

maybe the trick is accept individual difference

the mum brimming with fun and positivity isnt necessarily more worthy than the knackered mum who feels challenged

new mum at 12wks leaping about full of positivity,might seem like a butlins red coat to someone else with sleepless nights and housework worries

chill a bit op and whilst your 12 week baby no problemo now.maybe weaning,toilet training wil erode your positivity.who knows

Original poster

MaryPortasFan · 12/02/2011 07:14

Would just like to point out that the whole point of posting on here was so that I DIDN'T come across as smug to the other people I know... Of course I don't sit there gloating about my baby's sleeping to the other mums. Yes, I do listen while they offload, no, I don't tell them to cheer up. I was just wondering something so I posted on here.

And as for your patronising "bless" comments- I can't think of anything more rude. And I never said I was a better mummy. In fact, I'd never do anything so twee as refer to myself as "mummy". I never said it wouldn't get harder. I had just hoped to meet some people who were up for a laugh. I haven't. End of.

OP posts:

mrsgetonwithit · 12/02/2011 07:46

I am with you MARYP I found an awful lot of mums just moaned all the time.

My son is now 9 and can be a horror but mostly everything is good. I can't bear people who moan all the time.

If when my son was younger [he woke 4 times a night til he was 14 months old] if I was really tired I would just talk about something else I did'nt want to sit there moaning all the time.

Even now at school some of the mums still moan about how they are busy have not had time to do this and that etc etc.

I tend to get there later and later ha ha.

It is a shame because a lot of my sons friends mums are lovely people but when they start I just wanna scream..........

MsKLo · 12/02/2011 07:50

Ah it is difficult isn't it. You are only twelve weeks in so in a way, just wait as things do get harder and you may well find yourself feeling more like your new friends!

I can see why others on here feel a bit put out by what you say as there is so much to come and at twelve weeks you have barely touched the sides but I can see what you were trying to say too!

Why not try and lighten the mood with your friends you already have and let us know where you are as some of us may be close by and be able to meet up!

Don't worry too much about how people respond here... Tis the nature of AIBU to be tough going!

MsKLo · 12/02/2011 07:52

I can be a moany moan too but mostly in a light hearted way as I do like to have a laugh with friends but it is hard sometimes! Can see what you are saying op but we are all doing our best! X

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