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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish I had more positive mum friends?

83 replies

MaryPortasFan · 11/02/2011 19:38

OK, new poster, please go easy...

All the new mum people I have met since having my DD 12 weeks ago are really negative!

I know I'm lucky that we've had no colicky crying and my DD sleeps through most nights (but wakes 4+ times on others) but I have worked hard to establish bed time etc and some days she whinges all day- like all babies. But talking to the mums I've met, with older and younger babies, it is like a competition to prove whose baby is the hardest and who does the least housework because their baby needs them all the time.

Are there positive mums out there who don't find this baby thing TOO difficult, just a bit challenging at times but mostly fun?! Are there any other mums who think the housework can be done in a round an hour a day most days and is not hard to accomplish even if you do have- shock horror- a baby to look after?!

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 12/02/2011 08:21

YANBU but you sound like you've hit a particular rich seam of unhappy people! The group of first-time mums I met when DS was a baby were pretty average, I thought. There was one poor girl who was genuinely struggling and she got lots of sympathy from everyone else. Otherwise, everyone was in the 'knackered but cheerful' category. Think you've just struck it unlucky.

christmaswishes · 12/02/2011 09:48

I think whether people have children or not some moan more than others. When they have kids it gives them a new focus of moaning if they have always been a moaner before kids. However I do think that lack of sleep can turn people into worriers and hence negative sometimes moaney than if they were getting there fuLl sleep before having babies. Lack of sleep can change people. Some of the mums might not be as negative if they got their full quarter x

JimmyChooChoo · 12/02/2011 10:19

I wish I had met mums like that when I had my first born!Most mothers I met would boast about how they made wonderful home made foods for their dc/went to baby yoga,baby massage,baby swim,baby groups etc etc....
Oh and they had a dinner on the table every night for their OH.
Love it when a friend admits it's hard or her house is a mess or she finds it hard to leave the house untill 1pm.
Also OP I hope your LO continues to sleep through the night!I'm sure you're coming up to the teething episode-lets see if yoyu're so 'positive' and 'fun' yhenGrin

Newmumlondon · 12/02/2011 10:51

Hmmmm.... I know you probably didn't mean it but I found your post pretty insensitive. No, you haven't had colicky crying, or sleepless nights, (4 times a night is nothing like some of the nights I've had) and your baby sleeps through most of the time - lucky you. You therefore have no idea how difficult it is for those mothers who aren't so lucky. Coming on and moaning about other people moaning is kind of irritating - you should be thankful how lucky you are! But I do sympathise if the other mums aren't really your kind of people. I think at 12 weeks I was still getting to know people and you don't always have much in common with a lot of them.

I don't know if you will make too many friends going on about how housework is "easy to accomplish" either...

Newmumlondon · 12/02/2011 10:52

Oh and you say you're prepared for sleep regression, if it hits you hard, then you will dream about only getting up 4 times a night.....

ExpatAgain · 12/02/2011 11:00

you know, so much depends on the baby itself. I felt SO negative with dc1 as v v hard work, poor sleeper/feeder/cried all the time, difficult labour, EVERYTHING hard. Then much later had dc2, easy labour/feeder/sleeper etc, I used to feel guilty when other mums complained as i felt i had little to moan about!

Original poster
MaryPortasFan · 12/02/2011 12:19

ExpatAgain... I think some of it is because I feel guilty! I can't help the fact that my baby is a good sleeper! I am used to working really hard (70-80 hour weeks) and am finding maternity leave very lonely and I don't have much to do. When I try to socialise I feel like I am not welcome because I'm not as tired as some others are or baby doesn't cry as much or because I have a lovely husband who helps a lot. Or because even if I have been up all night- and that happened a lot until DD was about 9 weeks- I don't want to complain, or scurry back to my house if my baby cries, I want to go out and try to do something positive. Clearly I am right and I am not always welcome as shown by some of the posts on here. I did not mean to be insensitive so I am very sorry if I have been offensive.

As for those of you who say "You wait til teething/ illness etc, it'll get worse"- that's exactly what I mean! Why does no one say "You wait til they can sit up/ crawl etc it'll be so lovely". The other day I commented to one of the other mums "Your little one is so settled and happy and smily" and her response was "Yes, today, but you should see him when..." and a list of negatives. It reminds me of when I was pregnant and people said "You'll find it really hard to cope, you have no idea how hard it is..." People seem to want to focus on the negative to me.

Anyway. I'm really sorry if I've upset anyone. Wasn't my intention. Blush

OP posts:
fluffles · 12/02/2011 12:34

i know what you mean (and i don't even have a baby) - there is a group dynamic thing with moaning, i know, i'm in the middle of it with work right now. almost every conversation i have about work right now is moaning but there's a reason for that - i'm having a HORRIBLE time, if i didn't moan with likeminded people i wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the mornings and i'd blub in the office, it's an important release valve.

but, i know i'm doing it, and i am not offended if some of my work mates who are having a better time don't want to meet up and listen to me moan.

so... what i'm saying is, don't blame those mums, they need that moaning... just go out and find some others - maybe try some kind of baby singing or music class or a mums & buggys fitness class - something where all the participants can't help but smile.

good luck Grin

stillfeel18inside · 12/02/2011 12:43

I think sometimes at those baby groups it's the intensive focus on babies that can be depressing - okay I know that talking about baby stuff is partly the point of getting together, but it's amazing how if you start up a conversation about something else people will sometimes come to life and you'll find that woman sitting next to you is actually a really interesting woman who's just a bit under the weather with all the new responsibilities she's got. I met a couple of really good friends through nct who I've got loads in common with - 12 years on, it's much less about the kids (although of course we still talk about them!)

Newmumlondon · 12/02/2011 12:45

MPF, you weren't offensive, just a bit annoying, prob coz I'm slightly jealous Smile. I think if you'd come on saying you were having a hard time everyone would have said it's lovely when they sit up (it is) - we aren't at the crawling stage yet so I don't know about that! I think it's just if you are finding something easy when everyone else finds it difficult, it annoys other people. That's not your fault and it can be pretty lonely (I remember school days and how difficult it was finding school work easy- the other girls were pretty nasty). I learned to just keep quiet as much as possible about it and hope I would go under the radar. Now, I obviously think my dd is totally amazing and probably a genius Smile so I always talk about the negatives more so as not to upset other people- I learnt that talking yourself down avoids getting into competitions (which are dull). Hopefully things will start improving for the other mums soon and you will have more in common!

RumourOfAHurricane · 12/02/2011 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BeribbonedGibbon · 12/02/2011 13:10

I think the real issue is that you are feeling lonely and adjusting to motherhood and what a culture shock that is.

Do you think you could be transferring these feelings onto the other mums you are meeting issue? Do you think your need to explain how well you and your DD are doing is a way of helping you feel better about yourself?
(look how my implementation of a routine has paid off kind of thing. I am a success as a mother?)

If none of this is true then I'm sorry to say I think you do know you will come across as smug. Be careful, it could bite you in the arse Wink I say this as someone with a very easy second baby. I count my blessings everyday.

Annabel7 · 12/02/2011 13:23

Some people have a really, really rough time of it with their babies, esp. in the first 3 months. I'd just count your blessings you have an easy baby and enjoy it. A little sympathy may go a long way if you hit a rough patch and find you need some support further down the line..

JimmyChooChoo · 12/02/2011 14:10

Agree with Shinoncrazydiamond-12 weeks is nothing.
And no need to be sorry OP.You're entitled to say what you want even if you do come across a little smugGrin

elseIlltellyourfather · 12/02/2011 14:15

Gosh, I have a friend who I slightly avoid now as she makes me feel such a failure - I love motherhood but she has never (outloud) entertained the idea, for one second, that it is tough/tiring/can be dull/whatever. I remember in the early days trying not to cry on the phone as I confided in her how hard it was (can't remeber details) and she breezed on about 'oh no, not like that here at all, blah blah'. We are now both on 2nd children and I take it all with a pinch of salt. I prefer to spend time with the ones who are empathetic, interesting and fun, not just God-like.

RMCW · 12/02/2011 14:16

YABVU.

Not everyone has an "easy" baby.

Not everyone find being a mum "easy".

I am glad for you that you do.

Now get off your high horse, ok?

GMajor7 · 12/02/2011 14:26

MPF My DD is 12 months and looking back I'm afraid I have to tell you that at 12 weeks she was a comparitive breeze to care for (asife from hourly bfs!!).

It gets alot harder imo, so be careful what you say!

JimmyChooChoo · 12/02/2011 14:27

Smug;
Exhibiting or feeling great or offensive satisfaction with oneself or one's situation;self-righteously complacent.

tl10 · 12/02/2011 14:29

I think you have more to be proud of if you feel positive and make an effort. I just feel sorry for other mums who moan about everything- I certainly wouldn't feel a sense of competition from them??

JimmyChooChoo · 12/02/2011 14:31

Sorry OP just thought I describe to you exactly what smug meant.IMO it sounds like it's describing your post.

Meglet · 12/02/2011 14:33

FWIW I found it hard at 12 weeks and still find it hard 4 years on.

BuckBuckMcFate · 12/02/2011 14:48

MPF I think that a lot of posters read the 'but I have worked hard to establish bed time etc' and move into the YABU camp. It is certainly the bit that makes me think 'bless'.

I too have a 12 week old. He is a dream baby BUT I take NO credit for him being that way (and I spend a lot of time touching wood and not wanting to say out loud to anyone who enquires in case I jinx it!)

He is DC4 and my first 3 were nothing like him and I have done nothing different with him. By saying you have worked hard, the implication is there that those who don't have easy babies would if only they would try harder. And if you don't have an easy baby, being a mother is so much more hard work and you never really feel like you are being good enough because you can't make your baby 'happy'

So Ms Positive would do a lot of new mums heads in I'm afraid. And there is a definite need for new mums to be able to say just how hard it can be.

Bottleofbeer · 12/02/2011 15:00

I think people are being a bit harsh here. Ohhh just you wait until...etc..etc...that's every bit as competitive as competitive moaning/smugness - not to mention patronising.

Yes it's hard, with my first I often felt like I was in a long, black tunnel with no end to the crappy sleepless nights in sight but I totally understand the need to be around positive people and not big old moaners. I think we could all agree the positives of having a baby more than make up for the negatives and shit days, it's not unreasonable to get fed up with martyr mummies who fail to see or acknowledge that.

allsquareknickersnofurcoat · 12/02/2011 15:08

YANBU, so many people are OVERLY negative about their babies. "Oh I havent slept all night since he was born" No shit sherlock, what did you seriously expect.

I know someone who had their baby, and then posted daily updates on FB about how hard it was and how difficult their baby was being!

allsquareknickersnofurcoat · 12/02/2011 15:13

For the record, I dont have an easy baby. He had colic for months, and when he was born I didnt sleep for about a week as he wouldnt sleep in his moses basket (had ventouse and had a huge bruise on his head that must have hurt him to lay on). I wouldnt put him to sleep on his front as its against guidelines and wouldnt sleep holding him as that is too.

I found the same with labour. Competitive negativity about who hard the hardest labour (and I dont mean anyone with serious problems btw). Again, what did people really expect!?

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