to wish I had more positive mum friends?

[MaryPortasFan]

OK, new poster, please go easy...

All the new mum people I have met since having my DD 12 weeks ago are really negative!

I know I'm lucky that we've had no colicky crying and my DD sleeps through most nights (but wakes 4+ times on others) but I have worked hard to establish bed time etc and some days she whinges all day- like all babies. But talking to the mums I've met, with older and younger babies, it is like a competition to prove whose baby is the hardest and who does the least housework because their baby needs them all the time.

Are there positive mums out there who don't find this baby thing TOO difficult, just a bit challenging at times but mostly fun?! Are there any other mums who think the housework can be done in a round an hour a day most days and is not hard to accomplish even if you do have- shock horror- a baby to look after?!

All this 'bless' stuff is unfair. OP, I know precisely what you mean. I get more wound up by the baby-centric nature of everything and am, at times, desperate for a stimulating conversation.

As I said, first 9 weeks weren't easy. Allsquareknickers, I was in the same position with not sleeping for the first few weeks as DD would not be put down and had a bruise on her head (from the clip that they monitored her with and a big red ring where she got stuck for a bit). Yes, I sat in the dark in her room night after night until she learned to sleep on her own. I was in hospital for 5 days with a very long labour. I just don't want to spend all my time discussing these things!

I also think it's funny that at the time people were saying to me "Don't worry, just get to twelve weeks"... now you guys are saying "Oh, you're only at 12 weeks, you wait..."

I know what smug means... giving me definitions and saying "bless" is very patronising. I am 29 years old and teach kids with behaviour problems for a living- I know life has it's ups and downs as does parenting, as do all kids.

Thanks to the person who suggested starting up conversations about things other than babies- I am going to try that next time!

Not all babies are the same amount of work. I felt exactly like this when I had my first - she was so easy I got pregnant again when she was one. But OMG DS was so different and such hard work as a newborn. They probably all have their challenging phases but perhaps at different times.

Some people are just born moaners no matter what. Of course parenthood is dificult sometimes but no one wants to listen to people who complain all the time. I select my friends carefully I suggest you do the same. I like spending time with people who although they have bad days enjoy their children like me (I have 4). Have a look at the larger families topics, were a very postive bunch!

MPF totally with you. I had a nice easy baby with 15 years nanny experience behind me. I lived in a hostel for the homeless so my entire flat was the size of my living room now (it did actually use to be a living room!).Housework therefore took about 15 mins on a bad day.

Luckily junior and I went back to work 2 weeks later but I got fed up that I couldn't say " it's great - so much easier then I thought" without seeming like a complete tosser. I had to moan about being a single parent just to fit in ...but to be honest I thought that made life loads easier too.

Agree with OP entirely. For some women, it just seems to be a competition to see who has it worst - the labour, the stiches, the raw nippples, the sleepless nights, blah blah. I don't think she was being smug at all - she sounds a totally normal mum who's just getting on with it, seeing it all as a positive experience and not bloody moaning all the time!

What BuckBuckMacFate said. She has had 4 dcs, she has perspective. I have had 2 difficult babies - I can speak from experience.

OP, you have had ONE easy 12 week old baby. Even comparing 12 weeks and 9 weeks as if it was anything other than a blink of an eye.

You are entitled to your opinion. But your opinion counts for f... all in my book.

As with most friendships, 3 months isn't a long time to know someone. Everyone's probably still pussyfooting around each other a bit and really really don't want to be seen as boasty.

They may be being 'competitively miserable' to try to make each other feel better? To try to fit in? To cement friendships? No one wants to be friends with someone who in their eyes finds everything easier/is constantly doing better than them.

It just sounds like a bit of bottom sniffing if you know what I mean - checking each other out. Wait a while and true friendships will filter through. They're probably all going home and telling DPs 'Thank fuck little X isn't as bad as little Y!'

Plus, the people I met in the first 3 months of DS1, I didn't stay in touch with. I eventually made friends through the DCs with parents I'd have been friends with even if we'd not happened to have kids at the same time.

Darling ffs your baby is 12 weeks..
I do find you quite endearing though.

I think you're lucky to have met people who are prepared to talk about the negative side of things, as my own experience of baby group first time around was that everyone looked fab, wore make up and said how great it all was. And as for the post-natal exercise group at the gym - don't get me started - half of them looked like they'd never even been pregnant. But I'm still in touch with 2 of them, who I finally realised had days when they felt like shit too!! And also were able to talk about things other than poo and weight gain.

I don't think you are smug, though. It's good to be positive - but perhaps next time, post in parenting rather than AIBU, as you may find more support......

And anyway, we can all comfort ourselves with the fact that a good sleeper at 12 weeks becomes a nightmare toilet-training-disaster, or a colicky nightmare at 12 weeks turns into a 2 year old maths genius - it's all swings and roundabouts in the world of parental karma. Just hang in there and stay in touch with some of these people - you never know when you might need them.

OP, I think some people are being a bit hard on you (& patronising, too). FWIW, I had a really challenging DS1, never, ever slept (day or night) but I didn't want to hear about how bloody bad it was for everyone when I went to mother & toddler groups. I wanted people to be honest, sure (& I seemed to meet up with loads of new mums who claimed their babies to be perfect - I didn't actually believe them), but I couldn't be arsed with the moan-fest.

I used to walk into mum & baby groups thinking my DS was the best thing ever, & walk out thinking he was a 'problem' baby. All that moaning, argh.

I know it's hard having a new baby, I'm totally up for giving people sympathy when they need it but having a baby IS hard sometimes - so we just need to get on with it. Take the rough with the smooth, the good days with the bad (& my DS woke every 2 hours for a YEAR so I am not being smug here).

SO - well done you for having a lovely baby, & well done for enjoying your baby & wanting to find friends who don't make you want to fling yourself off a cliff. Join some different groups - & good luck.

Maybe try doing stuff with your baby that you enjoy anyway? If you like yoga, try baby yoga for example. Or swimming. At least then you will have something else 'set up' to engage with that isn't just talking about babies.

you will meet folk you warm to,and get a connection. just because you had a baby doesnt mean you can get on with all other mums

becoming mum isn't a great leveller,there is no automatic shared ethos.

pretty quickly,i drifted from the precious moments mamas - i wasnt their cuppa tea nor we they mine

from your dialogue these mums get on your wick,so go meet some mums you like

What Buckbuck said.

Glad you feel that you have it cracked. Probably more to do with your baby than to do with you. Enjoy it while it lasts, because the only sure thing about having children is that they change all the time.

MaryPortasFan, I totally understand where you are coming from, I have a 9 week old dd, she's my third baby and i'm loving her, i'm relishing the baby stage (because I know what's to come )

Baby groups can be boring as hell, find someone like minded and talk about soemthing other than babies......I have been dancing around the kitchen all week to The White Stripes( they split this week so I went through all their songs on my i pod) with my DD, just because you have a baby doesn't mean you are dead from the neck up, have fun and ignore the negatives, nod along and sympathise and enjoy your baby.

I think you perhaps have a bit of an unrealistic expectation of what you are going to get from meeting up with new mums in these early stages.

Firstly, you don't know them, you have no prior friendship, so you are bound to talk about babies, what else have you got in common? If you really don't like that, call your old friends and go out/invite them over, I did this after six months, as I only really made one good friend with a baby, but met quite a lot of mums who I just didn't 'gel' with (they were actually quite a bitchy circle). I ended up feeling like one good new mum friend and some old ones was better for me than hanging out in a mummy circle that wasn't really me.

Secondly, you are very lucky (and it is luck, not some magic sitting with babies at night that makes them sleep, don't you think they might have tried that!!!!). You don't yet know how lucky you are, as you don't have another baby, you are not over-tired and you have adjusted quite well to motherhood. Many, if not most, don't adjust that well, and so if you don't want people to talk about being tired, disoriented, having difficulties adjusting, having a baby that cries a lot, (hopefully with a wry smile and a bit of humour), then don't hang out with other new mums. You can't only ask for the ones with easy babies and who find it all a bit of fun.

Getting a whole new set of friends is not compulsory on becoming a mother, if you don't like them because you aren't having the same experience or you find talking about babies boring, go elsewhere (back to old friends or different places).

i have an easy baby
9 months on all i hear is how easy it is for me, how i shouldn't be tired, and my house should be spotless, how difficult for dsis or cousin or whoever is, my mil says to everyone is like having no baby to care for....

you can't win, my baby slleps, feeds, and no problems even with teething, i know i am lucky and i don't brag about it but people who just have to tell you what a walk in the park your life is, just get on my nerves... hope you find some positive things to do with your baby, it all gets interesting when they sit up and grab things and play with toys... still challenging but fun

there is an unrealistic expectation that all new mums should/will connect.goddesses gettin each other and drinking from the goddess fountain of love ,maternal knowledge and blah blah

Mummy or otherwise, I'd like to drink from the same fountain you are ScottishMummy. It aint dispensing water that's for sure.

lol,its peckham spring

OP - unfortunately you are coming over as quite smug, because you haven't acknowledged that you are just lucky.

Your baby sleeps because they sleep, not because you have been a patient uber-mother and sat with them for hours to help them settle or whatever else.

I'm glad for you, I honestly am. But if you had breezed into my new mum's group giving off a well-rested glow and clearly very pleased with yourself I would have given you a wide berth.

She doesn't know she is lucky yet. She has also said that she doesn't say this to other mums.

It can sometimes feel that when you have had a new baby as if you have transformed from a multidimensional human with many interests and topics of conversation to one who is supposed to be endlessly fascinated with swapping details of poo and weight. It is a shock.

I remember feeling very similar but none of you would have given me a kicking as I had a non-feeding screaming rage baby who seemed to think sleep was for the weak. I never wore make-up. My clothes were covered in baby sick. There's too much emphasis on OP's naivety with reference to the sleeping habits of her very young baby here. She may always sleep. Her next one may, too. Some people just have a different experience..

My mother can't understand why I complain about sleep deprivation after 14 months of broken nights because both her babies slept through from 12 weeks with no regression. If I moan about it, she says in a vaguely horrified tone: "but he's such a good baby". She is genuinely affronted that I would cast even his sleeping habits in a negative light. I feel immediately torn between guilt and trying to prove that he is NOT, he is a Very Very Very Bad Baby (which I would never otherwise think or say!).

There were lots and lots of things about the newborn baby period I adored. There are many, many things I love now. I find so much precious: moments I wish I could capture and hold on to forever because I know they will go. However, I also find aspects of childrearing extremely tedious - sleeplessness in particular, yes, but also nappy change wrestling, spending most of my day with a conversational partner who has just two words (car and ball: Car? Car! Ball? Ball! Car? Ball? Car! Ball!), needing to sing nursery rhymes endlessly just to break up the monotony, food on my clothes/in my hair/on the walls, the bottomless pile of laundry etc.

You will find, OP, that even if your child continues to sleep it is likely that, at some point, you will want to have a whinge when someone else just wants to have a laugh. The road is long and winding.

MPF

Sorry you are feeling a bit lonely on maternity leave and haven't found good friends yet.

IME, the negative talk is at it's worse in the very early days ... everyone are looking for way of bonding with other Mum's and feeling overwhelmed ... it's a bit of vicious cycle! Like you, I found it a bit boring and not easy to fit in and was making a transition from a full on job which I loved (and in my case which was a key part of my identity and how I viewed myself.) I met people through a baby group, but then found I didn't have much common ground to connect with them other than our babies. Took me a little while to find friends I connected with - a combination of meeting people in other ways and also friends emerging from the early baby phase and able to get out and do things more. Some people don't like the baby phase much. And just because you are all new Mums doesn't mean you truly have much in common!

And not to put you off entirely but with my dd now 10, there are still lots of people who see the negative side and now saying the worst, hardest years are ahead of me... maybe they are right, but parenthood seems to be series of ups and downs and challenges. And I've enjoyed every phase so far!

Now your baby is a bit older, perhaps you could try some new activities where you might meet like minded Mums (or at least new ones) or invite one of two of the ones you've met to do something "fun" together and steer conversation away from baby talk to something else.

working9while5 car, ball, car, ball, ha, that really made me laugh, my DS1 (9) used to say cat or dad for everything, sometimes he would point at DH and say cat or point at a cat and say dad. It does get more interesting, you have biting and hitting to come