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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be told to attend Cubs to observe son's behavior?

169 replies

carocaro · 07/02/2011 17:50

Have been sent a letter by Cub leader who wants me to attend two sessions to discipline my son and watch due to behavior issues.

This is the first time in 7 months I have heard of any behavior issues. The letter is non specific and does not say what the issues are.

I have asked DS and he said he was told off last week for giggling during the flag ceremony.

I can't go as DH away and DS2 is 3 and will be in bed; a friend brings DS1 home from Cubs. I have emailed back (don't have his number) told them this and asked them to be more specific so I can talk to DS1.

Is this heavy handed? There are four our of 30 this has been sent to. Why can't they just pick up the phone or arrange to talk to me?

Vagueness drives me mad. There are no issues at school or elsewhere with behavior, so am mystified and want to get to the bottom of it.

OP posts:
RMCW · 07/02/2011 19:23

Oh dear.......I dont put my phone number on mine. I just my e mail address. Really dont see the issue here.

If a parent does not have internet access then they can talk to me when they drop off the dc or pick them up. If they dont do drop off and pick up then they write notes sometimes.

So....basically, yes I do think the OP is BU

nzshar · 07/02/2011 19:24

I just think that people need to remember that these leaders are volunteers and usually have a full and busy life outside of cubs etc. Nothing wrong with only having an email as an intial contact. Like others have said all the op has to do is write an email back stating her reasons for not attending and asking if they could speak on the phone and perhaps giving her number and an approprate time to call to the leader.

weblette · 07/02/2011 19:25

An appropriate time to discuss it would be at the meeting with the leader, if there are several children involved I would guess that's when they are expecting to do it.

Ordinary admin takes up enough time as it is, if there are several children involved I certainly don't think the leader would want to go through each case individually in their own time.

Hatesponge · 07/02/2011 19:29

I think some of the comments are a little unfair on the OP. I'm not sure why she should be expected to attend with younger DC - I'm not a regular bedtime person at all, but I would be unhappy about taking a little one out on a cold evening to sit around watching an elder DC who is frankly NOT going to play up with mum there!

I don't understand why this couldn't have been managed by a call or letter saying that OP's child had been giggling/playing up whatever during this part of the evening, and could she speak to him about it? surely more productive than making parents come in to observe.

cornsilk · 07/02/2011 19:31

I'm sure that the leaders know what's more effective when it comes to getting giddy kids to behave

Hatesponge · 07/02/2011 19:31

And what if the OP was at work during the session? I do think expecting attendance is unreasonable.

Marlinspike · 07/02/2011 19:32

I am a cub leader and I do all my communicating with parents either face to face before and after sessions or via e-mail. Parents don't have my mobile number as I wouldn't want calls during my working day. Email is better for me as I can respond to issues at a time of my choosing. It could also be problematic to have concerned parents contacting leaders when they are away camping with cubs - we have established home contact systems to contact patents in case of emergency and vice versa. When children are feeling a bit homesick (as always happens with one or two) it could be very unsettling if they know that Mum or Dad was on the phone to a leader (and also taking the leader away from their role of supervising children). Good for some parents as well to learn that their DC's can have a good time without them!

cornsilk · 07/02/2011 19:33

It's not meant to be free childcare

TheFallenMadonna · 07/02/2011 19:35

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for attendance. We have to be on the parent helpers rota at my DC's beavers and cubs. I wouldn't expect people who give up their time willingly to give my children some great experiences to have to deal with their poor behaviour.

LibraPoppyGirl · 07/02/2011 19:36

I don't think it would have hurt to put a little bit more information in the letter too. Okay so maybe they don't want the initial contact to be by telephone, hence the email address, hopefully they'll respond to the email OP has written giving her a number to call.

There have been a lot of posts from people involved in cubs, so perhaps you can answer OP's other question...why such a vague letter?

LibraPoppyGirl · 07/02/2011 19:39

@corsilk the OP never gave any impression of free childcare! You're being very unfair with that comment and inflammatory.

@TheFallenMadonna the OP never said she expected anyone to put with 'poor behaviour' she just wanted more information in the letter.

Is anyone actually reading the OP's post? Confused

cornsilk · 07/02/2011 19:41

it was in response to hatesponges post actually librapoppygirl - this one
'And what if the OP was at work during the session? I do think expecting attendance is unreasonable.'

weblette · 07/02/2011 19:41

The leader very probably wants to deal with it within scouting time - writing out a series of individual letters, a series of conversations, it all eats into the leader's other life. Planning meetings, attending training, it all takes time.

It certainly isn't an action the leader will have taken lightly. Maybe check the behaviour code signed when the ds joined, the group will have a clearly defined policy.

RMCW · 07/02/2011 19:44

libra
The OP has an e mail address for this leader. She can use this to ask for a phone number to discuss the matter further. It is entriely up to the individual leader as to whether they give ut their personal information.

Leaders work on a voluntary basis. They should not be expected to be available 24/7 which, sadly, some parents think you are when they have your phone number!

Whats the issue here, really??????

Hatesponge · 07/02/2011 19:46

Neither of my DSs have attended cubs so I dont have direct experience of this. However both play for a local football team, which involves a couple of training sessions per week, plus matches. XP was one of the team managers, which took up a lot of time, and money. When children played up in training, he would either speak to them there and then, or mention it to parents either at collection time, or give them a call afterwards. A couple of parents said they would hang around to keep an eye on their DC to check they were behaving. Others said that wasn't possible, but they would talk to DC and if any problems recurred, XP should let them know asap.

Not sure why that kind of approach couldn't be taken here. Why the expectation on parents to attend when there could be many reasons to prevent it?

GloriaSmut · 07/02/2011 19:46

I can see why it is unsettling to receive a vague letter but from experience, I expect that the cub leader would much rather address specific problems face to face and this is why the OP has been asked to attend a couple of sessions.

I also see that this could be inconvenient but, as others have said, beavers and cubs are not a form of free childcare so it is not unreasonable of the cub leader to expect parents to either make an effort to go along and observe or if this is impossible and the matter can't be resolved, accept that their child might be asked to leave.

Not all children suit cubs and vice versa. I say this as someone whose ds1 loved every minute of beavers and cubs and became a sixer. Ds2 on the other hand, whose response to most reasonable requests was "Why?" was probably a bloody nuisance. Hence the day when the pair of them got off the coach from camp. DS1 carrying the trophy for "Outstanding Cub at Camp" and ds2 carrying a letter from Akela asking me not to send him again!

philmassive · 07/02/2011 19:48

My ds has a boy in his beaver group who is troublesome and spoils things for the rest of the group. I would be really cross if I thought that his parents found it so much of a hardship trying to help the leaders to get to the bottom of his behaviour. Bottom line is they've asked you to go and get it sorted, so go and get it sorted.

LIZS · 07/02/2011 19:50

Maybe he hopes your attendance will be a stabilising influence on your ds, and show him you take it seriously. I can see a core group of boys messing about could be very disruptive to all concerned. I can udnerstadn your reluctance to upset your ds2's routine but I think you will need to concede and make alternative arrangements , even if it just for 20 minutes at the start of a session.

Hatesponge · 07/02/2011 19:50

I think the free childcare comment is a little irritating tbh. Rather implies that children in lone parent families - or where both parents work - can't attend out of school activities Hmm

If that's the sort of attitude that cub groups and similar take, I'm glad neither of my sons wanted to go.

autodidact · 07/02/2011 19:51

I'd just tell your son and the cub leader that he can't go to cubs if he can't behave. No way on earth I'd waste an evening watching kids running round saying dib dob dab. It's an optional "fun" activity and if your son is bored and playing up there's no need for him to go. Just establish whether or not he likes it and if he does tell him to behave himself or he's out. If he doesn't tell him he's been very rude by behaving badly rather than admitting it's not for him and he can stop attending once he's apologised to the cub leader.

risingstar · 07/02/2011 19:51

he may well be being silly and misbehaving. maybe the leader has written because you dont pick up and therefore never sees you to discuss?

i would happily email him, apologise that ds has misbehaved, ask for specifics and reassure that you will not put up with such behaviour. There is no harm in saying that you cannot attend but offer instead to withdraw ds if his behaviour does not improve dramatically and follow through on this.

I agree, he is unlikely to do this on a whim and it is probably your lad being daft with 3 others.

cinnamonswirls · 07/02/2011 19:54

If a school kid has been being a bit silly and mucking around over a period of time a normal warning would be to say I'll speak to mum. I reckon OP you really should go and support the cub leaders so your ds knows that authority will be backed up. If your ds sees he has upset his mum and his db's bedtime all the better - those are consequences he can understand. It doesn't matter if he doesn't misbehave - if he doesn't he can be praised, either way he'll learn a valuable lesson.

Poor behaviour - not really naughty but silly is a real problem in schools and its a good opportunity to sort it out at cubs early.

Better now than 15/16 and this way he gets to carry on going to cubs

slightlymad72 · 07/02/2011 20:00

Hatesponge, a free childminding service is not how MOST scouting groups view what service they give, however some parents do, thinking that a leader is at their beck and call, taking no interst in what their child is achieveing or even their behaviour.

And auto, scout evening have a lot more content to them than dib dib dib, some evening take weeks of planning and a lot of the volunteers free time.

OhForBoonessSake · 07/02/2011 20:02

libra, i was well aware of what i was doing.

reallytired · 07/02/2011 20:04

Cub leaders are volenteers and should not have to put up with vile children.

The OP needs to find a baby sitter, even if it means paying for someone to look after the three year old. Or if its not possible then take the three year old with her.

If the OP is a vaguely decent mother then she will find a way of attending that meeting.

Cubs is not for every child and maybe its better for the child to leave, rathe than spoil it for everyone else. The OP needs to have discussion with the leader.