to consider leaving my children for a year to study?

[secondcity]

long-time lurker here. I am braving AIBU and am bracing myself for the onslaught....

I live in New York with my husband and children, We have been here almost two years and everyone is very settled......except me!

I have been offered a (fully-funded) post-graduate course in the UK in september 2011.

If I were to accept the course, I wouldn't bring my children, but I would aim to come back once a month, and they would obviously come to me for all the holidays. My husband is very capable and we would probably get some part-time childcare sorted (secondary aged kids)

I swing between thinking it would be absolutely fine, (their father used to work away for up to 2 months at a time!)to thinking what kind of mother would contemplate leaving her children.

Anyone have any experience or advice? Thank you

Depends on the children.....do they cope well with separation? Some do, some dont.

They will have your dh and if he got a sort of au pair it should work out ok from that point of view.

How would they feel about the travelling to the UK for the hols? Would you be prepared to do all the travelling back to NY?

But if she's been a SAHM mum for so many years, she might THINK she will have a fantastic time, but when it comes to it she might find it impossible to cope.

I would advise having a trial to see how everyone copes. But that's just one point of view of course!!!

I would do it. They're secondary school age and it won't be a full year anyway - mid-Sept to June with holidays at Christmas and Easter I presume. Good luck!

I think they already do travel to the UK for hols, as the OP said earlier on?

ThePosieParker - I got post-grad funding and have never worked full-time professionally (only bread and butter jobs and the odd bit of freelance while being a student and a SAHM). It can be done.

OP - one thing which has probably spurred me on in my studies is that my mum gave up her studies and future possible career to focus on being a SAHM and 'make raising children her career'. She's now pretty bitter about that decision and now that we have all left home, and she has followed my dad about in his career, she suddenly feels left with nothing of her own.

It's horses for courses (sorry :o ) - some people are happy to prioritise being a full-time SAHP and 'sacrifice' 2 decades to be there for their kids, others are not. I actually spent better time with my children and interacted with them a lot more when I was studying and persuing my own thing alongside being a mum (the 2 don't need to be mutually exclusive) then when I was a full-time SAHM.

Just curious - have you discussed / hinted at any of this with your dc's? What was their reaction or what do you think their reaction would be? What does your dh think?

I would not do it.

I think you'd find yourself mistaken if you think that after a year you can come back and pick up where you left off.

They may have grown away from you, learned how to cope without you, and you may not fit back in all that easily. You will have missed some key moments in their lives.

Same with your DH...either he does miss you, and may feel resentful, or he may discover he doesn't miss you all that much and then what?!

I think it would be better to do a course in the US.

I have two friends whose DH went away for a year. Both families were at their unhappiest when the dad came back, and wanted to "pretend" all was normal again. They had moved on and oddly resented the intrusion of him being back. Coming back was the hardest. In one case the wife discovered she did not want her DH to live with them again.

FWIW - and I haven't read the whole thread - I know lots of families where the Dad works offshore for up to six weeks at a time with maybe a month at home in between. Sometimes they get a phone call and have to go back earlier - often without time to wait for the kids to come from school and say goodbye.

This is normal for many families and all that many kids have ever known. These kids are perfectly well-adjusted btw. It's just normal.

Can't really understand why the OP is getting such a hard time. Would her dh be getting the same comments if it was him going away to study for 8-9 months but visiting often? Can't really see the big deal tbh.

So frustrated by the "two camps" crowd, and their straw woman arguments.

There is a significant number of us on this thread who do not for a minute think mothers need to sacrifice themselves on the altar of their children's supposed wellbeing.

But the idea that if you think parents should be able to pursue their own lives and fulfilment that you must automatically think there are no limits to what parents should do and that any expectation that they should arrange things so as to spend time with, and know, their own children is bizarre.

There is a lot to be weighed up here, and tales of people growing up fine despite very little contact with their parents are only relevant IF the OP wants that for her family.

Do you OP?

Because this will have an effect in you, on your children, on your husband, on your marriage, on your family, and on your relationships with your children.

What those effects will be is not something any of us can know, but to make a good decision you need to think through the possible outcomes, not minimise or justify them. What do you think is likely? What outcomes can you live with?

On a purely professional basis I would caution about doing this course while you have so little certainty about your eventual place of residence. Is this something you and your DH can put some kind of shape on before you have to make a decision? There are so many uncertainties in terms of your future plans that it will make figuring out the right way forward very difficult.

"There is a significant number of us on this thread who do not for a minute think mothers need to sacrifice themselves on the altar of their children's supposed wellbeing."

That is true actually. I think in my last post, I got a little bit defensive probably because I have had criticism from others about continuing my studies while having children and not becoming a SAHM and I overreacted to some of the comments.

Although professionally, may it is a path towards a career that can easily be 'moved' or even be based in the UK regardless of where in the world one lives, courtesy of email and t'internet?

I also think there will be effect regardless of which decision the OP takes - as this is about her goal and something which she has been working slowly towards while being a SAHM, then giving it up is also going to have consequences for the OP, which could in turn have a domino effect on the whole family.

maybe it is a path...

an effect regardless

Congrats on getting funded for your study, OP, that's an achievement in itself these days. :)

I'd go for it. It sounds as if your husband is supportive of you and one academic year really isn't a lot of time. In your position, I'd be planning all my lines of communication with my family and perhaps considering some little treats for the year so that your girls have something definite to look forward to.

I definitely agree with the 'happy mother, happy family' principle and if this is going to fulfill you, you should definitely do it.

SAHM parenting is not of the same quality across the board. Some do it from choice, some because they can't find work outside the home. Some children benefit from SAHM and some definitely don't and would be better off if their parent were at work. I think that happy, fulfilled parents have happy fulfilled children, whether they're stay-at-home, working or studying.

Best of luck to you and your family, OP and good luck with your studies.

Only you know the particular circumstances and personalities of your family and how thsi coulda ffect them. However as my mother left for a year under similar circumstances, I thought it might be useful to know some of the issues we experienced that you may not have considered.

For info I was 16 and my brother was 15 and my mum had worked full time for many years. My mum managed to get home about once a fortnight and for weeks at a time during school holidays.

1. In families with 2 parents at home, how each parents is influenced by the other. Together my parents were liberal in some ways by fairly strict in terms of behaviour. With my mum gone my father turned into an extremely strict and quite authoritarian parent. My brother and I found this very difficult to handle. When my mum came home again, they both began to parent as before.

1. My dad was lonely and at times quite low. He tried to hide this from my mum as he knew she was lonely. So we had one parent living with us who was quite depressed.

1. This didn't happen to my brother. Friends started to ask me questions that were basically hinting that my parents had really split up and that my mum studying for a year was a facade to cover this. Looking back I am sure they were simply repeating what their parents were saying. This made me very confused and worried. Years later when I mentioned this to my parents they were shocked - "but we told you at the beginning wat was happening and why". Sadly just telling me once wasn't really enough.

My mum didn't really think her year away would affect us, particularly because of our age. In reality it was a very difficult year. One parent working or studying away does affect the whole family and its not just about your absence, but also about the affects this has on family dynamics.

Your children may be fine. But please consider your family dynamics and how your absence will impact.

I've only read the first and last pages, sorry.
OP, I don't think YABU at all. Probably because we are in a similar situation.
Me and DD are leaving Belgium to live in the UK. DH will stay here for another year and come to see us at weekend.
DD is perfectly happy with the idea. She is 9.9

Well, the choice isn't stay home forever and sacrifice your entire career and have no life, or go away for a year, is it?!

I have a career, and I go away with work if necessary, but personally have a limit of about 2/3 days before I really have to start to think through whether I should go, as I KNOW it has an impact on the children. It seems some people want to vicariously have the OP go away for a year to make up for not pursing their own career!

Having one parent living away has an impact, you just can't get around that. It might even have the impact of showing everyone they manage just fine without them. The hardest thing, as forces families, those with men working on oil rigs, or where there is separation all week, will tell you is reintegrating the family. The left-behind parent usually manages quite well in their absence, or at least has a stable if different way of parenting, and the other parent becomes the 'intruder' on returning.

Careers for women- yes! Going away from an 11 and 12 year old for a year without any impact-not likely, but may be worth it.

Also only read first and last page.
I think its perfectly doable. Your kids seem well adjusted, DH capable and sounds like finances/logistics are secondary to the decision.
If its a great opportunity and you are at crossroads of course would seriously consider.

However, I also think those who said its a crucial age and might not be that easy to just come back and pick up where you left do have a point. Are you and DH prepared to deal with that?

Just to say that I think there is a big difference between families where 1 parent has always or virtually always worked away from home e.g. parent in armed forces for years; and a family where children are used to having a parent around most days.

Just waded through 15 pages.

Personally I think YANBU to go if you are sure you're family will cope.

It's not abandonning them for a whole year. You'll see them once a month at least, longer over the hols and you sound confident that your husband can take on an involved parenting role.

Preparation would be the key - explaining thoroughly what you are doing and why you are doing it. (i.e not 'running off becuase you've found something you'd rather be doing than mothering them' ).

I think it would be a fabulous example to set your DD especially and show her you have choices in life and having children doesn't mean a lifetime of drudgery and following your husband around if you don't want it to.

All the best in your decision making.

P.S I say this as a SAHM, not that it should natter.

You say that: "I have supported my husband's career, maybe it is time for him to support mine?" I think that's fair enough if you are going to be earning money to support the family. It also worries me that your husband seems to travel for work too. I'm assuming that he's not going to be able to stop doing this, just because you are away - so your children will be left without a parent for periods of time. Is that right?

Are you training to be a vicar? Because when I investigated post-graduate courses these were the only ones which readily offered funding.

I can understand wanting to escape and this offers the perfect route. I think the trouble lies ahead, when the OP doesn't want to go back to the old routine of domesticity in NY and wants to stay in UK but the rest of the family may be quite happy out there.

But if the OP and family have plenty of money for flights etc then why not. BUT I would say an au pair would be essential. Unless the OP's dh is going to be at home or based permanently in NY office things will go pear-shaped pretty quickly. 11 and 12-year-olds with stomach bugs and mum in UK and dad in LA?

secondcity Mon 07-Feb-11 08:29:54
posie, why is it so hard to believe that a SAHM would get funding? that is denigrating SAHM somewhat. I have studied for 10+ years. do you think most women turn off their brains when they stay at home bringing up their families?

What a bizarre assumption. I find it hard that a government would invest in someone with such a long gap in their CV.

And the OP is not a UK resident, or she's scamming somewhere.....overseas graduates do not get funding, cripes my parents don't even get to see a GP and they paid over thirty years of tax before they left.

Why does it have to be Government money? Research money can come from any number of sources from Research Councils (technically Gov money I suppose), to Unis themselves, or private companies. I really don't get why you have such a bee in your bonnet PP about the research and the funding. Why not just accept the OP has secured research funding - after all she hasn't given us chapter and verse on her life so there may be all sorts of reasons why this possible....

why is she not a UK resident? She currently doesn't leave in the UK, but I am assuming has not taken US citizenship and therefore IS a UK resident. I assume she was born here and holds a UK passport.

that should be 'live' of course... (doah..)

There are charitable institutions that provide funding as well. In fact I think there are sources of funding specifically for women returning to research after a career break to look after children.

Lots of people do Masters courses as a way of making a career change as well, so it's quite likely that many applicants will not have a CV full of relevant recent work experience. Not to mention all those who go into it straight from undergrad, with hardly anything on their CV at all!

As for the children being left without a parent, the OP has said that her DH will not be travelling while she's away.

To be fair, I think the OP did say she was not being funded by the UK taxpayer.

But I'm struggling to imagine what kind of body would fund someone to study in the UK - presumably needs blind because the OP's husband is obviously not a janitor if he is travelling the world for work.