to consider leaving my children for a year to study?

[secondcity]

long-time lurker here. I am braving AIBU and am bracing myself for the onslaught....

I live in New York with my husband and children, We have been here almost two years and everyone is very settled......except me!

I have been offered a (fully-funded) post-graduate course in the UK in september 2011.

If I were to accept the course, I wouldn't bring my children, but I would aim to come back once a month, and they would obviously come to me for all the holidays. My husband is very capable and we would probably get some part-time childcare sorted (secondary aged kids)

I swing between thinking it would be absolutely fine, (their father used to work away for up to 2 months at a time!)to thinking what kind of mother would contemplate leaving her children.

Anyone have any experience or advice? Thank you

could be a company scholarship. Who knows, without knowing the area of research its just a guessing game isn't it!

If the OP has been offered a fully-funded postgrad at a good university, then the chances are she's pretty smart and gifted. These kinds of opportunities are pretty competitive and she'd be VU to pass it up.

Secondary age is plenty old enough for her DCs to cope - it's not like they're still being breast-fed.

I have a bee in my bonnet because in these scary economic times a person that is not a UK resident, unless she already spends 12 weeks here and pays council tax, is getting funding to do a course that she will then use to pay taxes in the US, unless she really is planning to leave her family for good.

Citizen is not the same as resident.

I would also be interested in what hours the OP's DH will be doing, seems like the children will be going from having a SAHP to one very busy career parent, only.

Posy I assume you're aware that some post-graduate funding is given on the basis of merit, rather than residency or income?

If the OP has been resident in the US and has been offered a funded postgrad in the UK, there's a decent chance she's just gifted and has been awarded a scholarship.

I don't believe for a moment you would have got so many negative answers if you were a man. Its a woman, a mother daring to want to do something that is nothing to do with her children. Half of them are probably just jealous.

Only you know. I'd do it. I might still do it. Children are resilient and adaptable, unless you stifle that in them by stapling them to your side.

But she has said it is not coming from a government (tax payers) source, so I am assuming it is a private scholarship/bursery so why shouldn't she have it? As others have said to get offered it means she clearly is clever, they aren't just given away...And as OTHM says not all are based on residency or income. She should take it, chances like this are rare...

and Posy is being both offensive and dimwitted by accusing OP of scamming or lying. I am not a UK resident and can apply for funded post-grads. In fact I am applying for one that would not only pay my fees but also a bursary, help with childcare, and guarantee me a job afterwards. In your NHS. Thanks for the taxes. Posy.

I think there are some on this thread who have had bad experiance of being left by parents or relatives at some stage in their life and then there are soem that have had great experiance from one or both parents leaving them for extended periods.

I would think the op will have to take into account her own dc and each one may be different, then decide whether leaving them to come to the UK will have any effect on them for the 10 weeks of term.

As many have said it can be a disturbing tiem and others have found this type of situation a positive time.

Only the family will know whether this will be positive for each child and then hopefully they will both work on that premise.

I had a great time shipped off to grandfathers age 5 for three months, 200 miles from home and parents. i was nearly 6 and had a ball with a loving grandfather and missed the last month of school to go and stay with him. So my opinion comes form a positive experiance.

Exactly, Blackduck. If the OP had posted 'AIBU to be considering passing up an academic scholarship because my secondary-school-age DCs might miss me?' the response would more likely be 'Don't be daft, you're an individual with a life too!'

But because the OP is titled 'AIBU to leave my children for a year [and some other stuff]?' the visceral reaction is to the leaving-your-children-for-a-year bit, rather than any kind of assessment of the OP's ability, aspirations, desires etc etc and how they balance against her DC's needs.

"I have a bee in my bonnet because in these scary economic times a person that is not a UK resident, unless she already spends 12 weeks here and pays council tax, is getting funding to do a course that she will then use to pay taxes in the US, unless she really is planning to leave her family for good. "

Based on that, you would have a bee in your bonnet about me then. I got funding to do an MA in the UK, moved my family over to do it and then we moved back. I haven't worked in the UK this side of the millennium!

(As I said earlier though, it was not the British government who was funding my course and in fact, by doing my MA I brought an extra set of tuition fees into the country, not to mention the living costs of my family during that year, the council tax we paid, nursery fees etc etc).

I don't think it is fair to judge the funding based on a few assumptions rather than facts. Plus while the funding is an important factor in this decision, it's not really the topic of discussion.

BuzzLightBeer Mon 07-Feb-11 13:05:29
and Posy is being both offensive and dimwitted by accusing OP of scamming or lying. I am not a UK resident and can apply for funded post-grads. In fact I am applying for one that would not only pay my fees but also a bursary, help with childcare, and guarantee me a job afterwards. In your NHS. Thanks for the taxes. Posy.

Well you're another way the NHS waste money.

REally? Shows how near-sighted you are. If (and its a big if) I got it I would be a very highly trained professional committed to working for the NHS for several years, in a position that is very difficult to fill. Big net gain to the NHS.
What do you do to help the economy, Posie?

Some courses have specific provision for overseas students. I had one of three scholarships that were available for a Masters. Two were ringfenced for UK students only and one for an overseas student only.

Generally speaking, overseas students pay a great deal more for their courses than paying UK students do anyway.

Education is education and if the OP has the wit and determination to win a funded grant, good for her. Sour grapes from some here I think.

Going back to the original question, OP, I wouldn't be abke to do this. But you know your family. It might be a chance to show them that mum is an ibdependant woman and not just a mum.

But... I just wouldn't be able to.

Good luck with your decision, it's tricky.

Sorry for iPad spellings.

Hang on
Plenty of people send their 11 and 12 year olds to boarding schools. Even in different countries (like me). This is much better - they stay at home with daddy, see mummy for all holidays (long summers) and also once a month

It is certainly doable. It is only a year of which half is holiday. They will understand

"then giving it up is also going to have consequences for the OP"

I don't for a minute think she should give up on her studying, what she's worked hard to achieve and her dreams for a future job.

The offer of this course means there is a lot of thinking to be done to figure out whether to take it, and if so, under what arrangements, and if not, to what end.

So the first thing to be really clear about is what is the exact purpose behind pursuing this course of study.

The next is whether that purpose can be equally, or better, met by doing another course. This will involve putting some thought into where the family are likely to end up, and when.

I would say next thing to consider is what the options are for taking the course - how long would she be away, should the children stay put or come with her (it sounds like some of these decisions have been made).

Next you need to think through ALL the various impacts the absence of a parent, for a year in another timezone, will have. How will the children cope (not children in general, THESE children)? What strain will it put on the marital relationship? How will it affect family dynamics? (Again, THIS family, THIS marriage - it doesn't really matter nobody in the 3rd world ever spent a full night under the same roof as their spouse.)

Then you decide if these possible impacts are worth it, and work out ways to minimise the negative impacts.

Finally (and importantly) what will make the you happiest? How much will you miss the children? Will that hurt impact on your ability to study? Will having your qualification make up for feeling estranged from your family when you return? Basically what I asked earlier - will doing this course make you happier than being away from your children will make you sad? Not an easy question to answer, but a crucial one.

Finally, don't fall into this kind of fallacious thinking:

"If the OP has been offered a fully-funded postgrad at a good university, then the chances are she's pretty smart and gifted. These kinds of opportunities are pretty competitive and she'd be VU to pass it up."

You can pass up any opportunity if it's not the right opportunity at the right time. The problem with things that other people see as rare chances that you must not turn down, is that it's very hard to judge them clearly.

If you're that smart you'll find another way to get where you want to go even if you don't do this course. I really think that you need to be a bit clearer in your head about exactly where you want to go before you can make the right choice.

You have a lot of thinking to do OP. Good luck :)

Buzz....Our household contributes greatly, thanks.

Sorry but yes YABU.
As a teacher of children that age I have seen it all too often- a parental figure not there and the child suffering even if it may not be obvious at first. Pre teens definitely need both parents.
I'd love to go traveling again and have had the opportunities presented but to leave my family hell no....
If you go be aware that things won't just return to normal when you return.

UpSinceCrapOClock Mon 07-Feb-11 13:09:56
"I have a bee in my bonnet because in these scary economic times a person that is not a UK resident, unless she already spends 12 weeks here and pays council tax, is getting funding to do a course that she will then use to pay taxes in the US, unless she really is planning to leave her family for good. "

Based on that, you would have a bee in your bonnet about me then. I got funding to do an MA in the UK, moved my family over to do it and then we moved back. I haven't worked in the UK this side of the millennium!

(As I said earlier though, it was not the British government who was funding my course and in fact, by doing my MA I brought an extra set of tuition fees into the country, not to mention the living costs of my family during that year, the council tax we paid, nursery fees etc etc).

I don't think it is fair to judge the funding based on a few assumptions rather than facts. Plus while the funding is an important factor in this decision, it's not really the topic of discussion.

Seems to me if we'd funded someone homegrown we would have got more for our money.

I see you talk about your household posie

So are you contributing personally?

Or do you just spout bollox on websites all day? My degree was funded by you taxpayers AND I"M NOT EVEN BRITISH shock, horror. But I've worked here all my life, paid millions in tax blah blah blah so that worked out well, didn't it?

If you were in charge my high-achieving ass would have stayed in the country of my birth and the UK and its tax coffers would have been much the poorer.

"our money" - 'your' money? I didn't get a penny from the UK for my course. Me doing that course actually brought some money into the UK from abroad. Funding can come from all sort of places and the OP hasn't stated where this particular funding is coming from. Maybe it isn't British funding at all (as in my case).

Skidookly - good post.

fresh..yes I am raising four children, myself, the most precious commodities...which allows my DH to do his job and pay tax.

your household? Not you then.
I also raise three children without any childcare, but I am a student as well. Perhaps you are being so bilious to people who are doing more than you because you are a little jealous?

right. I am raising four children, myself, two dogs a hamster and still manage to serve the public good in my job

my dh doesn't have much problem doing his job either, oddly enough

get back in your box