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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider leaving my children for a year to study?

546 replies

secondcity · 06/02/2011 07:36

long-time lurker here. I am braving AIBU and am bracing myself for the onslaught....

I live in New York with my husband and children, We have been here almost two years and everyone is very settled......except me!

I have been offered a (fully-funded) post-graduate course in the UK in september 2011.

If I were to accept the course, I wouldn't bring my children, but I would aim to come back once a month, and they would obviously come to me for all the holidays. My husband is very capable and we would probably get some part-time childcare sorted (secondary aged kids)

I swing between thinking it would be absolutely fine, (their father used to work away for up to 2 months at a time!)to thinking what kind of mother would contemplate leaving her children.

Anyone have any experience or advice? Thank you

OP posts:
Maelstrom · 06/02/2011 22:27

I'm with Annie 100%.

But just because a hard earned lesson after I sacrificed everything in the "alter of my children".

It was not worth it, honest. I adore my child and I would happily die for him, but I have learned the hard way that by putting his needs always before mine, I was paving the way not to be able to provide well enough for him in the absence of his dad.

Everybody deserves to be at the front of the queu from time to time, it seems to me that it is her turn.

TheFallenMadonna · 06/02/2011 22:31

Not wanting to only see your spouse monthly, and your children monthly and during holidays, does not equate to sacrificing yourself on the altar of motherhood Hmm

Some bizarrely purple prose from both sides of this divide...

whiteflame · 06/02/2011 22:37

not sure why you're getting such a hard time OP. I would say, if you feel comfortable that your children will cope relatively well, then go for it! it's your life too.

i would be annoyed if i found out now that my mum had passed up this opportunity. i saw/see her as an individual, not some kind of slave to my every need. and you will be there if they want to call.

and one academic year is short. it's not one calendar year.

GMajor7 · 06/02/2011 22:38

LMAO @ animula's last post

Blackduck · 06/02/2011 22:38

she's talking an academic year, not forever....

Botticelli · 06/02/2011 22:44

Op, how could you and your family bear to have such a huge carbon footprint?
Does that not seem important to you?

scottishmummy · 06/02/2011 22:46

go chase up bono and other preachey gobshites about carbon footprint before imploring op to search her conscience

Blackduck · 06/02/2011 22:48

sottishmummy :)

TheButterflyCollector · 06/02/2011 22:51

Are you serious, Botticelli?

Blackduck and Scottishmummy speak much sense. A lot of the objections, or should I say critiisms of the OP are very subjective.

RIZZ0 · 06/02/2011 22:51

Botticelli - if the OP isn't concerned about leaving her own children for the best part of a year, I doubt she'll have the needs of the environment on her priority list.

scottishmummy · 06/02/2011 22:58

lol the nay sayers are getting desperate now

not only will op children inevitably suffer attachment disorder and separation anxiety

now she is frying the planet as well

hell,what next?is she responsible for acid rain acidification of aquatic ecosystems in NE USA

TheMotherOfAllDilemmas · 07/02/2011 00:50

My father moved out for a year to prepare a move to another city. 2 years later, my mother moved back for a while to finish her studies.

I am proud of what she achieved, really. I also have lots of fun memories of my father trying to cope with the 3 of us. We moved between the 2 cities to visit my father or mother during 2 years.

Personally, I missed my dad a lot in the first few months he was away, by the time my mother was away, we were fine and used to the idea of a parent visiting, or us visiting them wherever they were at that point. My father had a very profitable career in the new city, my mother is very respected professionally thanks to that course (and whatever she has built on it over the years).

Nobody died, and their decisions gave us plenty of opportunities we simply wouldn't have had, had they decided to stay put to avoid upsetting us.

TheMotherOfAllDilemmas · 07/02/2011 00:55

By the way, I think that my mother taking time away of us to pursue her career was a wonderful example, it taught us that relationships are about equality and team work, and that as a woman/mother you have the same rights as a man/father.

Ria28 · 07/02/2011 01:02

Haven't read all the comments so apologies if this has already been mentioned, but would a trial run be helpful? If you could spend a few weeks away from home working or something it might give you all a better idea of how you'd cope. Fwiw I expect if your dds are confident and get on well with their dad they'd probably be alright, but bare in mind hormones could change that. Assuming you did start the course then decided it wasn't working for you, how easy would it be to postpone/cancel it and go home early?

sakura · 07/02/2011 04:11

Bloody hell animula Loved your posts

Original poster
secondcity · 07/02/2011 05:49

sorry to not get back for so long, it is superbowl sunday here, so very busy.

I think I might be a little bit in love with scottishmummy right now, she has summarised the whole thread so succinctly;

"lonely in uk and assignation with new man
attachment disorder and therapy for her dc
doing time for hookey grant application" Grin

to answer a few questions, sorry it is late and I'm not avoiding, just answering what I feel pertinent right now. I will gladly come back and answer more.

I don't want my children to come with me because they are very settled here.

when they come to the UK they will be with my family, we already visit most holidays and sometimes that is an extended stay.

I am not happy in NY yet, but that is not why I want to come back to the UK, I wasn't happy there either!

We decided that the school they go to in NY
was the best for them. I don't think they would thrive in a boarding school, I also wasn't happy with the school they were in in England.

I don't really want to talk too much about my course as it may 'out' me, (and I haven't talked to many people in the real world yet! Grin) suffice to say it is not a 'mickey mouse degree' and I am not robbing the British taxpayer!

I am grateful to hear all sides, I will have to encounter it in the real world soon enough!

Thank you

OP posts:
onceamai · 07/02/2011 07:29

I have read the first and last. You are not happy in NY and you weren't happy in the UK yet the move to NY is permanent.

It sounds to me as though leaving the children for a year to do a post grad course is probably not the real issue. I don't know what that is but would venture to suggest that is what needs sorting out before you leave your 11 and 12 year old DC for a year and if it gets sorted you might view the future differently.

If you are happy in your relationship, the children are happy and settled at school and NY is permanent then I see no reason why you shouldn't study a similar post grad course in the US - that, in my honest opinion, is what would be the most sensible course of action. If all other things are equal you need something to root you in the US.

My DC are 12 and 16 and actually I think the years you are talking about are vital for a mother and child, esp. mothers and daughters. I understand something of this because although not the same, my DH works away abroad, Mon to Friday and it is tough.

Original poster
secondcity · 07/02/2011 07:42

ooops I think this was probably the most asked question and I should address it, I don't have a funded degree here in the US, it would also take longer to do. I do take on board the posters who have suggested that career-wise it may be better to do the course here, but we do not plan to stay here indefinately, so I feel that continuing my education in the UK is the right thing for me to do right now.

OP posts:
ThePosieParker · 07/02/2011 08:21

I find it very hard to believe that anyone that hasn't worked for ten years and has been a
SAHM would get funding for a post grad.....I just don't buy it.

ThePosieParker · 07/02/2011 08:22

scottishmummy....your posts consist of slagging off objections and saying 'go for it'....you give no reasons at all.

sakura · 07/02/2011 08:28

WHen I studied for my masters there were lots of women on my course who had left their children in their country of origin to come to the UK to study, especially Indonesian Muslim women, strangely enough [not sure why that's so strange, but I just didn't expect it, I suppose]

Anyway, I have to mention a point Posie made earlier: that these women will have left their children with extended family: mothers, MILs among others. They weren't from villages, but they certainly weren't from nuclear families.

So I think children can absolutely thrive without a mother for a year, but you have to take your particular circumstances into account.
I keep thinking back to animula's posts, which were brilliant, but you do have to apply that practically as well.

I have another experience, when I met up with my cousin who worked on a cruise ship. I happened to take DD along and the amount of Philippino women who asked to hold her because they were on 8 month contracts and couldn't be with their kids... One woman had a little cry in front of me... separation between mothers and children is not something that should be taken with a pinch of salt, but it can be done. Your children will probably be proud of you when they're older.

Original poster
secondcity · 07/02/2011 08:29

posie, why is it so hard to believe that a SAHM would get funding? that is denigrating SAHM somewhat. I have studied for 10+ years. do you think most women turn off their brains when they stay at home bringing up their families?

OP posts:
mamadiva · 07/02/2011 08:52

Sorry have'nt read the whole thread but I can pretty much guess a few of the replies :o

I don't think it is unreasonable to want to better yourself and in the long term I think your kids will be proud you went and did something for yourself and will undersytand why you had to do it.

BUT it's not so much about the long term is it? You need to make sure you and your family can cope with it now and in the near future. My dad worked away for weeks at a time and came back for 1 week a month when I was 11. It was fine to start with but over time I resented not having him around to speak to whenever somethng went wrong for mne at school or generally and I really missed stupid little things like going to the football with him every week :(.

Needless to say after about 3 months and the novelty seriously wearing off I started to go off the rails BADLY. Within 3 years I was borderline alcoholic, smoking and frequently suspended from school which ended with me being expelled and only allowed in the building for my exams. I also began physically attacking my mum because I resented her so much for allowing my dad to go! I realise this is an extreme case and now I know why he had to go away but I could'nt grasp it then.

Please, please, please make sure you have thought it through and make sure that you are all happy with it! If you feel it is then good luck with your degree :)

emy72 · 07/02/2011 08:53

My perspective on this is that you have to be 100% sure that you will be happy.

If I was away from my DH, children, etc for 1 year, on my own in a different country, I think I would be miserable as sin. But I'd say if you are sure you can pull it off emotionally, then go for it.

I don't think your DH or children will be emotionally scarred as it is a short term thing - however, I think you might be underestimating how hard it will be for you!!

sakura · 07/02/2011 08:59

No, I think the OP would have a whale of a time if she did go. It's just the kids, and her relationship with them that needs to be considered

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