to consider leaving my children for a year to study?

[secondcity]

long-time lurker here. I am braving AIBU and am bracing myself for the onslaught....

I live in New York with my husband and children, We have been here almost two years and everyone is very settled......except me!

I have been offered a (fully-funded) post-graduate course in the UK in september 2011.

If I were to accept the course, I wouldn't bring my children, but I would aim to come back once a month, and they would obviously come to me for all the holidays. My husband is very capable and we would probably get some part-time childcare sorted (secondary aged kids)

I swing between thinking it would be absolutely fine, (their father used to work away for up to 2 months at a time!)to thinking what kind of mother would contemplate leaving her children.

Anyone have any experience or advice? Thank you

A young girl changes a lot when she goes through puberty. I know I went from being relatively quiet to quite outspoken and a bit crazy between 12 and 13. My dad was in the Navy and gone a lot (we didn't move around with him) he never really knew me, and while we have an okay relationship it will never compare to how close I am with my ma. She was the one who was always there for me.

But the truth lies here doesn't it? Most people will just say what she wants to here. Besides I'm not sure anyone has been hysterical, people have used a dusting of emotive terms to describe how the children may feel and I think it's spot on. When my parents moved abroad I was gutted, and I was 27!!

ivy...it would be rubbish if they had to spend a year away from their Dad.

Wow, OP, you have really stirred up a hornets nest here ;-)

.. agree with those who say get some impartial advice.. read animula's advice closely - she has given you some wise guidance.

If you choose to go -read 'Third culture kids' - it is alreay useful/relevant for your kids and may become more so..

Be clear with your DH about your expectations of each other. Skype your family often/daily - your children can still confide in you on a daily basis. My mum did something similar in my early teens (and I was in a boarding school) - our strong bond was not damaged. We talked weekly (fewer technology options then) and still email, skype, facebook daily.

If there any other issues you need to resolve with your DH/family do it up-front before you go.

Good luck with whatever you decide,

no what lies here is subjective opinion and hyperbole.with a wee splash of bad mother and hints financial impropriety chucked in for good measure

I don't know, scottishmummy, I'll bet she's not encountered the mania in her RL circle of acquaintance, and so it may add a missing element ... . Seriously, what you have said strikes me as very reasonable. Mn has it's place, but it would be a bit awful if it were the only place, and you couldn't discuss with people you know, etc.

As for "objectivity, posieparker, well, I don't know. I think mn gives an illlusion of objectivity. As threads go on, it's often the most vehement, the most persistent, and those with a lot of time on their hands that come to dominate any "discussion".

As scottishmummy has often said, mn is good for people offering their experience, but that has to be balanced against other sources of info./advice.

No hinting here, I was gunning for full on accusation of getting funds by deception!!

We just moved to the UK from the US in the beginning of Nov. and my ma and I both miss each other terribly. I'm 39 and she's in her 60's.

animula.....I'm sure I have no idea what you mean, people with too much time on their hands....[whistle whistle]

Go for it. You are not a bad mother, and I don't think that being apart for a year would affect your relationship more than staying put and feel frustrated about it.

With the internet as developed as it now is, the distances are not that big. You can talk to your children every day for as long as you want for free. They can come to visit, you can go and visit them. The relationship with their father can get even better.

It is only a year.

The OP said also that DH has worked away extensively and for long periods of time. This could be a great time for DC's to get closer to their Dad and for DH to be closer to them. After all, when DC's have two parents still together, to be so solely reliant on one parent can't be a terribly good thing surely.

Just a thought!

Can't face reading 13 pages but if you're not settled in NY, how will this help? What's your plan afterwards? Is the plan for the while family to return to the UK at some stage? (anyone else feel free to fill me in here from what's been covered already)

I work full-time myself and my DS is in nursery so I am not down on mothers having a life beyond childcare, but I wouldn't want to do a year away from my DC until they were older than yours - older teenagers, IMO.

ThePosieParker - the OP hasn't said who is funding the course has she? (read most of the thread but could easily have missed that bit!)

I recently completed a funded MA in the UK and haven't lived in the UK for almost 10 years. Wasn't funded by the British government though (instead it was funded by the government of the country we are living in now).

OP - my dc's are much smaller than yours - they were 3 and 1 when we moved. When I first found out about my MA, dh actually suggested he take the dc's to another continent (where his parents live) for a year so I could 'concentrate' - in that situation, I told him I would rather not do the MA then, but that's different to your circumstances! Luckily, he was able to transfer with his job for a year, so we all went for the year.

I think a valid point is the way the academic year is broken down, it's not going to be a whole year away - 2 terms and the 3rd term writing dissertation, which could be done in NYC if you plan it.

My parents moved abroad when I was 18 and had just started uni - I loved the fact I had to go abroad to visit them in holidays. My brother was 11 and stayed at boarding school in the UK and was happy with that decision.

My friend first 'met' her parents when she was 6 - due to work etc (different culture as well), she had been brought up by a nanny in a different country until she was 6 when her parents came to pick her up and bring her back to their country (and she didn't speak either of the 2 languages spoken in schools in that country either). She said it was tough, but she still remained close to her mum til she died and is close to her dad.

You just don't know how anyone reacts to anything that happens further down the line.

I think, as someone else said, only you know the people and logistics involved. Nobody can predict what will / won't happen because of this choice - you just need to weigh it all up carefully (and then let us know your decision :o )

Oh and I would say the same for a father in a case like this, on the basis of what I know.

It seems to me the OP is an experienced expat. When you are one, and there is enough budget to do things like this, being on the other side of the channel or at the other side of the Atlantic, are pretty similar things.

The two major camps on this thread are the women who think that being a parent means you should sacrifice yourself on the alter of your children and never consider your own needs above theirs.

And then there are the women who think that having children just means there are more people to consider when working out the compromise of what's best for the family, with no one individual, parent or adult, given priority over the other.

Personally, I'm the latter. I'm only getting one shot at this life, and I don't intend to let my time on this planet be any less than it could be because I had children! Sometimes you sacrifice for them, sometimes they sacrifice for you.

Annie - it don't think it's as black and white as that.

it has polarised into
a.bad mother, abandoning childeren
b.is short term only academic year

OP it's been five hours, are you returning with any answers?!

given the froth and high expressed emotion generated she doesnt have to.pretty much folk have mapped her life out for her

lonely in uk and assignation with new man
attachment disorder and therapy for her dc
doing time for hookey grant application

Wrt Annielobestar - that, I think, is the lesson we should learn from Penelope.

I always take the weaving as a symbol: That subjectivity, and self-hood, is not unitary, but woven through others. A good life takes others into account; we depend on and we give to others, in profound ways. We can learn that through the experience of motherhood - through giving birth to an other, through nurturing an other, through letting that other be separate - and apply it to our conceptualisation of our self, and our relationship with all the others in our lives.

Also - the nightly unweaving of her work. Again, I think that is symbolic. In a sense love-work, the invisible work of relationships, and building life, that traditionally fell to women, is work that is a. not easily rendered visible and b. is aimed at its own undoing. As mothers, I guess, our aim is to nurture towards autonomy. That is, to work towards our work becoming invisible, and unnecessary. Again, I think that is a lesson we can then take to look at the work all humans might do towards all other humans (and the rest of the natural world, if you want to pursue that thought a long way).

I think, if we look towards becoming both Penelope and Odysseus, it really is important to carry with us what we have learned from being Penelope. I do worry that late-capitalism is insisting that we become female Odysseuses, and forget what we know from Penelope. That would be quite a loss. It would mean losing the knowledge of the value of Penelope's work, and the value of children, and the value of caring, and the principle of a relational identity.

I think it is a good thing to think of life as balanced through our relationships with others, and to take their care and needs into consideration. I think it is valuable to take that knowledge, and insist on it in public life.

I think it would be sad to only value the life model of Odysseus. After all, who he was, his story, his value, was only bestowed on reaching home, and Penelope, and the recognition of all his actions, who he was, his name, depended on that. The values of Penelope, and mothering, is very important.

But still, it would be good if we could combine them ...

(Just waxing a bit lyrical, 'cos it's late ...)

riiiiiiight

If money is not a major issue, you could see your children quite a lot. I worked in NY for a while and came home to the UK just about every weekend - it's exhausting but it can be done. And if you get organised and good at finding cheap deals on flights it would probably be quite doable.

Not that I think you should go back every week, but if once a month doesn't prove to be enough then you could maybe make it every other weekend. Your dc could even come over for long weekends sometimes, aside from school holidays.

If you have good access to a major airport in the UK NY is not actually all that far away...and a year flies by. In fact an academic year isn't even a full year...

Blimey some of the responses on this thread say far more about the repsondee than OP!! Not sure where I stand for sure, but loving animula (fancy popping over to the feminist threads?) and thanks scottishmummy for a concise, no nonsense summing up....... (on balance,OP, I'd go for it)