My Husbands Children

[sillyflowers]

This is so difficult. I have a lovely partner and he has 2 girls 7 and 12. I have 3 children of my own who I look after single handedly and do everything for, they live with me exclusively, their dad is not interested. My partner is so into his girls and despite the fact they are supposed to live primarily with their Mum who has a big house,lots of money, full time aupair and who took virtually everything in their divorce, the girls are spending 50% of the time with their Dad. He has it arranged that he has them 7 nights out of 14 and these nights are arranged to suit his ex and him. Basically he wants them as much as possible. On the nights he doesn't have them he's on the phone to them or going round to their house. He texts his eldest every night and I feel terrible but I don't like it because it's things like 'I love you beautiful' xxxxxx.It's the kind of thing he used to send to me and it makes me cringe a bit, is that awful?? When they're not around he seems unsettled. We are supposed to be moving in together but because he got very little from his divorce he will move into my house which isn't very big and I don't want to be awful but I don't know if I can cope with 5 kids in the house 50% of the time. The original agreement when they divorced was that they lived with their mum and he would have them 1-2 nights a week and alternate weekends. He has turned the alternate weekend into thursday afternoon to monday which is 4 nights plus having them another 2 more nights the following week and another night before the thursday to sunday weekend. On his ex's weekend he gets up at 7am to go and take his daughter to swimming and does various other things for them. On the nights when she's supposed to have them he goes and takes them swimming or has them round for tea. I guess I feel a bit sore about the fact that his ex is perfectly capable of looking after them when she has them and she has a full time aupair and she has the Dad on hand to do anything at all. The money settlement annoys me because we're struggling financially and she fought to keep everything and my partner agreed to the 1-2 nights and alternate weekends which is how she was allowed to get away with not giving him much. So, we're left struggling and will be crammed into a little house. I really wouln't mind say 3 nights one week, 2 the other but 5 nights one week and 2 the other I think is too much. I work nights and am often tired and I just don't know if I can handle it. Is it really tight of me to ask him if we could try the 3 night one week 2 the next- with flexability of course. Plus it look like he might loose his job and I don't think I can provide for him and an extra 2 children- it's also food and things like that. Really bad situation. I feel so guilty for feeling like this but I'm also cross about it too. It's almost like a desperation thing for him to have his kids as much as possible and he will do anything. Think if I say anything it'll go down like a lead balloon :( Any advice/thoughts greatly appreciated. I get on with his kids and am very fond of them and don't want to be mean. Unfortunately I think if they spend all that time at my house they will get on my nerves. I want us all to enjoy having them and I want it to be nice for them too. Basically, would it be horrible/unreasonable of me to ask that we have them 3 nights one week and 2 the next week. More in holidays of course.

I'm thinking about the quality of time over quantity of time here too which I think applies in this situation though for my partner I often get the feeling that it's quantity he's after. Aren't I awful. I feel so bad about it all and frustrated to the core.

Sounds like he is not the right person for you.

Don't try to make him choose between you and them, you will lose, or worse you will win and will have destroyed two little girls.

They are and always should be more important than you in his life.

Do everyone a favour and move on.

I'm not making him choose? I think we are a great couple and we enjoy all the children but practicality has to come in to it somewhere surely. If he wants or needs to come and live with me then we should be able to reach an agreement that we're both ok with, I have my children to think of too, they cannot have their home and routine totally disrupted. I also have my sanity to be concerned with- if I'm not ok then my children may not be ok. I think he's an exceptional, wonderful father and I would never want to take that away from him but the girls have a perfectly decent mum too who looks after them well. There's no way on earth I would destroy the girls or, more importantly, he would ever allow that to happen. I know they come first as my children do to me. I spend lots of time with the girls, particularly the eldest who struggles at school and is having growing up issues, she can tell me things that she can't talk to her mum about, we spend time, go over things and try to make them better and we have a good laugh at things too. I look after them and do nice things with them. We have great holidays together, challenging with 5 kids but we love it. It's the day to day issues I think, it's clearing up after 7 people instead of 4, it's the sheer volume of people in a small space, it's washing and boring stuff like that which gets me down anyway and when I think of that multiplying I loose faith. Plus it's kind of stressful thinking he could be out of a job in a few weeks and on a nurses wage I wouldn't be able to support 7 people for most of the time. Maybe that's what's sparked it off. I guess we need to talk. He's lovely, gentle, kind, understanding. There will be a way. Maybe I could get him to do the housework while I work?!!

He sounds like a lovely dad. I can understand you needing to vent about this situation, but you're coming across as jealous and petty.

Sillyflowers, I think the cracks are definitely appearing as the time approaches to move in together. If the relationship is not 100% now it is only going to get worse after you move in together.

It sounds like he needs to sort himself out with his own property (I assume rent) and then build up his life as a single parent. Once he has experienced that and accepted the full role of being on his own with his children then perhaps you can both review the whole 'moving in' situation?

If you still believe that going ahead with your original plan is the right thing to do then YANBU by expressing your feelings on the access arrangements. After all you will be living there (isn't it your house?), you also have children that need to be considered and if you can honestly forsee a problem now then you have a responsibility to face it now rather than let everyone move in together and it all goes to pot.

You are only human and these feelings are natural. Good luck.

Sorry OP - does your partner already have his own place?

So don't move in with him.

If he isn't standing on his own two feet as a single dad, and he moves in with you, he is going to expect you to pick up the slack.

I can't see how this will end well if you move in together.

He wants to be involved in the day to day stuff, they want him to be involved and his ex is also facilitating that. From his daughters' point of view that is pretty much as good as it gets for the children of divorced parents.

If after he moves in you say 'Cut down the contact' you will be the bad guy.

There is no 'maybe' in the needing to talk. You are not two young childfree people shacking up together, you need to sit down and really work out how it is all going to work. To not do would be absolutely bloody stupid.

He is a lovely Dad. I am just venting. I love him and his girls we've had so many wonderful times all together, lots of the best ever times are when we've had all the children. I think if we had a bigger house it would be easier but if he helps with the housework and stuff I guess that will make things easier. Thanks for comments. Always good to look at yourself from a different perspective, feel nasty and stupid now though. I'm just being really negative at the moment and moody and emotional?? Don't know why, it's been going on for about 3 weeks don't think it's PMT but I'm a bit worried. Any ideas?

Thankyou SparkleSoiree, don't feel such a monster after reading your comments!! Yes, he rents now and I own my own house.
We do need to talk Morloth, definately. There's some very balanced people on here!! Just what I need!!

You need to accept the situation with his children as part of the deal. Plan to have them 50% of the time. If you can't, well then I repeat my comment about him not being the one for you.

Good plan. Would be gutted if we broke up though. We all would, Kids included. We've spent 4 years together, living apart!! In some ways I thought it may be better living together because at the moment when he has the girls he sleeps at his house with them so for all that time we're apart and that's difficult so when he's not supposed to be having the kids and he's off doing stuff with them I kind of resent it, not the kids, just him being gone all the time.I don't like not sleeping with him and him not being around either. Moving in together seemed like a great solution but I think the practical things are weighing on my mind. Maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion, getting cold feet. Crikey we all spent a week in a tent together last summer and that was brilliant. I just don't know?

You must feel quite jealous of his ex and all the support she has whereas you 'look after singlehandedly and do everything for' your own children.

Does sound like moving in together would be a bad idea. Maybe think about it again when the kids are older and more independant. If its meant to be, another few years wont matter.

I agree with a lot of the sound advice you've had already. I would say you need to embrace him and his kids 100% into your family, or not at all. There are no compromises and its not going to be altered to suit you. They come as a package deal. Lots of good luck to you sorting it (and yourself) out.

Sillyflowers I really feel for you. I do think you may have been better off posting in the step parents topic.

I haven't been in this situation myself but can imagine it and feel your worry. It does seem madness to have him move in at this point.

The way you suggest that he do the housework if he loses his job but put exclamation marks after it as if that is a crazy idea is pretty worrying. How much does he do around the house when he stays at yours at the moment? Does he really expect you to do all the washing and tidying etc etc for all the children and him? That would be ridiculous and so unfair.

Surely IF he is to move in then yes you do need to have a big chat, about everything - children, finances the lot. But surely him moving in when he is about to lose his job is plain silly.

I can totally understand you not wanting to live in a small house with five kids and the tensions that have arisen.

I guess the main thing you need to talk about is his contact with his kids, which I know you understand of course he wants lots. However, it seems like it is all the time which leaves no room for you. I would ask him straight out how much time he is willing to spend with you then you can decide if that is enough for you and if not, you can end the relationship.

I can understand that he is having more contact than you first thought and that would be fine except that that has a huge impact on your life. I get that - I hope he does when you talk to him. I am sure there must be a happy medium or at least something with more structure so you know if you are willing to take it on or not ie if the kids are at the mother's house then he isn't always there too.

I've rambled a bit sorry. I know it's not easy. I wish you strength and luck. Go and talk to him :)

He sounds very nice. His girls sound very nice.

You sound stressed out and worried about the practical aspects of putting your plans into action and about money.

It sounds as if you can't afford to live together, and unfair as it may be, the situation with the exwife is not going to change, and it would cause a huge problem and be very inadvisable for you to ask him to cut down on the days he spends with the girls.

He could see a solicitor about decreasing any child support he pays to his exwife given that the girls spend 50% of their time with him.

He should see what benefits he can qualify for in the event of unemployment, given his 50/50 arrangement for the care of the girls, or even if the exwife could pay something to him.

He needs to be looking for work almost as a second job right now if he thinks he will be let go soon.

WRT all the extra cleaning and chores, etc. -- you don't say how old your two children are, but any child over age 6 can be assigned a chore and can help out in a significant way around the house. It's a pain in the neck to get this started and get everyone broken in, but it can be done.

No matter what, if you two are going to blend into one family, things are going to be different for your children and for you. Some reading suggestions on blended families that you could read together before embarking on your new family life.

I understand that you may be be concerned but I am not understanding why he would want to be with his children any less than you would want to be with yours? Not all fathers are not involved and I think majority want to be equal parents just as woman do. Please, please dont make him feel wrong for that, put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if your partner came and spoke to you about you having your kids to much. I know its different from what you thought it would be but life changes and it will change many times more.

I absolutely agree with Morloth. TBH it sounds like the right man, wrong tine for you and you will lose if you are resentful of the time he soends with his children, no matter what your reasons (and it does seem to me that there is some underlying jealousy and/or insecurity there).

I speak as a lone mother myself and am trying to see it from both sides. Maybe you need to put your plans on hold, let him establish exactly how it is going to be with his children for the foreseeable future and then talk, talk talk to see if there's a way in which you can accept his lifestyle decisions because I don't feel that a compromise, no matter how 'fair' to you, will last.

So you're not happy that you have to deal with his kids 50% of the time, but I'm sure that you will expect him to be completely thrilled to deal with your kids 100% of the time.

You do sound a bit jealous of the time he spends with his kids. You'd think as a single mother you'd admire the fact that he wants to be in his DD's lives and provide them with a positive male role model.

Perhaps you should tell him how you feel so he can make the decision to walk away from what could be a really bad situation for his DD's.

Who suggested moving in together? Was it anything to do with him about to lose his job, or is that a coincidence? You've been together for 4 years, now him moving in with you and him about to lose his job happen at the same time? How long has he been separated / divorced?

I don't think you sound petty at all. I don't think moving in together at this stage is the right thing to do. How many bedrooms does your house have? Wuld your children have to give up their room/ share ( I assume so) what's the gender balance bwn the kids, ie will yours all have to share cos they're boys and his get the other room, how do they treat your house? How do they feel about giving up their bedroom? Have you asked them? Do his girls and him pitch in and help out, or do they all treat it like guests staying over and do nothing. I wouldn't say you should split or that it's doomed, but you can't tell him or even suggest he sees less of his kids, but I really don't think you should be moving in together right now.

A fab week in a tent is one thing, him and his kids coming and going while under your roof will only emphasise his periods of absence, intensify the resentment ( presumably for your kids too - I take it they like him? does he do much with them when his kids aren't around? Wuld they resent him being so hands on with his DDs, then being absent so much going to see them and do stuff with them? It all just sounds too much IMO.

I would not rush into it. Really. I know you've been together 4 years, so hardly rushing, but it really doesn't sound right at the moment.

You post is titled 'my husbands children', so - are you married? I take it not? What call him your dh then? If he is with his kids 50% of the time, and when they are at their mum's, he goes there, how much time is he alone with you, just you, and you and your kids, the 4 of you?

Out of an average 2 weeks, how many evenings and days is he on his own just with you/ your kids? And how many days and evenings is he off with his kids/ his ex? ( understanding him to be at work - for now - so out of 4 weekend days, and 14 evenings)

I agree with sparkle....

To me it sounds like its not the contact that is the problem - but the impact of him moving in with you.

You are entirely reasonable to want to discuss and agree how this will work before this happens. You are not, however, reasonable to ask him to cut contact.

You need to talk to him before he moves in and rather than ask him to cut contact, you need to ask him how he intends to manage the situation.....

i.e. - DP, you have said you want to move in. However my house is only 3 bedrooms - with myself and my DC's occupying these. You currently have your DCs for seven nights in a two week period - how do you propose we manage this?

You are then well within your rights to discuss his proposals and compromise. If he suggests something that you think is inreasonable, then you should tell him this, but calmly and reasonably.

You should also discuss with him and make things clear on both money and responsibilities before he moves in - this is especially important for you, but something that EVERY couple should do before moving in together. You need to be clear about what you both will input into the household, in monetary terms and other things.

As sparkle said, it might be wise to leave the moving in together until some other issues are solved.

TBH it sounds like he is trying to dominate the time his children spend with their mother.

I would stop seeing him if you feel like that. He doesn't come alone, he comes with 2 DCs for life. You will need to stop seeing them as his DCs and your DCs. Unless you can accept that you are a family of 7 and you have 5 DCs it is doomed. Of course he wants his DCs as much as possible, would you want to have his all the time and see yours at weekends? I would guess not and he is no different. You need to make your own relationship with them and love them for themselves.
It is hard, but if you can't see that you are going to have 5 children then I should stop now, it will be heartbreaking but save a lot of problems later.

Why on earth do you think moving in together would be a good idea?!

Dont do it, it is not the answer.

I think you are jealous and i think you need to work on overcoming those feelings-get it into perspective, he is a good dad dont get in the way of that, which is what will happen if you continue on your current path.

I definately don't think you should move in together.

I see your point re house space and money but how would you feel if he tried limiting your time with your dc?