Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

My Husbands Children

142 replies

sillyflowers · 03/02/2011 01:38

This is so difficult. I have a lovely partner and he has 2 girls 7 and 12. I have 3 children of my own who I look after single handedly and do everything for, they live with me exclusively, their dad is not interested. My partner is so into his girls and despite the fact they are supposed to live primarily with their Mum who has a big house,lots of money, full time aupair and who took virtually everything in their divorce, the girls are spending 50% of the time with their Dad. He has it arranged that he has them 7 nights out of 14 and these nights are arranged to suit his ex and him. Basically he wants them as much as possible. On the nights he doesn't have them he's on the phone to them or going round to their house. He texts his eldest every night and I feel terrible but I don't like it because it's things like 'I love you beautiful' xxxxxx.It's the kind of thing he used to send to me and it makes me cringe a bit, is that awful?? When they're not around he seems unsettled. We are supposed to be moving in together but because he got very little from his divorce he will move into my house which isn't very big and I don't want to be awful but I don't know if I can cope with 5 kids in the house 50% of the time. The original agreement when they divorced was that they lived with their mum and he would have them 1-2 nights a week and alternate weekends. He has turned the alternate weekend into thursday afternoon to monday which is 4 nights plus having them another 2 more nights the following week and another night before the thursday to sunday weekend. On his ex's weekend he gets up at 7am to go and take his daughter to swimming and does various other things for them. On the nights when she's supposed to have them he goes and takes them swimming or has them round for tea. I guess I feel a bit sore about the fact that his ex is perfectly capable of looking after them when she has them and she has a full time aupair and she has the Dad on hand to do anything at all. The money settlement annoys me because we're struggling financially and she fought to keep everything and my partner agreed to the 1-2 nights and alternate weekends which is how she was allowed to get away with not giving him much. So, we're left struggling and will be crammed into a little house. I really wouln't mind say 3 nights one week, 2 the other but 5 nights one week and 2 the other I think is too much. I work nights and am often tired and I just don't know if I can handle it. Is it really tight of me to ask him if we could try the 3 night one week 2 the next- with flexability of course. Plus it look like he might loose his job and I don't think I can provide for him and an extra 2 children- it's also food and things like that. Really bad situation. I feel so guilty for feeling like this but I'm also cross about it too. It's almost like a desperation thing for him to have his kids as much as possible and he will do anything. Think if I say anything it'll go down like a lead balloon :( Any advice/thoughts greatly appreciated. I get on with his kids and am very fond of them and don't want to be mean. Unfortunately I think if they spend all that time at my house they will get on my nerves. I want us all to enjoy having them and I want it to be nice for them too. Basically, would it be horrible/unreasonable of me to ask that we have them 3 nights one week and 2 the next week. More in holidays of course.

OP posts:

FakePlasticTrees · 03/02/2011 08:27

I don't understand why you have to move in together now? when his girls are older (hitting the teenage years) they will have more active & independent social lives and won't be as available to their Dad, that would be a more appropriate time to try to blend the 2 families, or possibly you'll never find the right time to move in together.

My Aunt only moved in with her long term DP when his youngest DD went to Uni (his DCs where older than her DCs, his DCs lived with him) - before that they had agreed the demands of the 2 sets of DCs would make living together impractical so they just 'dated' for nearly 10 years before living together.

If he's the right man for you, then you need to take the long term view. In the meantime, he's avaiable without his DDs for 7 nights every fortnight - that's quite a lot of time. Continue to live apart for another year or so and then see.

Lamorna · 03/02/2011 08:39

I agree, if he is the right man you can take the long term view and wait.
You thought you were getting a man with 2 DCs who would be very much guests in your home and not equal to your own DCs, instead of which you have a man whose DCs are central to his existence and who would like to have them all the time and doesn't see them as guests. You need time to adjust so don't move in together until you have accepted it.

Lamorna · 03/02/2011 08:40

Maybe you won't be able to accept it, either way you need time.

BlueCollie · 03/02/2011 08:45

I can understand why you would feel worried about all the extra work if he moved in to. I think it is not the wisest move for him to move in with you and it seems from your posts that most of the general drudge of lookng after kids would fall to you.washing/cooking/cleaning extra and this will not help your relationship at all. I think you are better off waiting for his girls and yours to grow a bit older and to naturally not want to spend all their time with parents and this will then leave time for you and your partner. I also think that having someone move in with you when he is at risk of losing his job is a huge risk and a really stupid one. What money he gets will go to his girls as they are clearly used to having things and you will feel resentful then.

I do think he sounds like a lovely man who has a great relationship with his daughters and IMO dads should have their kids 50% of the time however, the financial aspect of this needs to be taken into account. I wish my DH could see his daughter as much as your partner sees his. Shame not all women are so accomodating in letting their ex's see their kids.

forasong · 03/02/2011 08:45

Yes moving in is NOT the answer.

It does not sound practical.

donkeyderby · 03/02/2011 08:50

Don't let him move in! You can have a great relationship in seperate houses and spend quality time with him and his girls. There could be a negative impact on your children too.

zikes · 03/02/2011 08:51

I agree with the people who say to wait and not move in together, yet.

Although it's not very romantic, the practical issues of the size of the house, housework and his potential employment are hugely important. The realities of being all cramped together and you having to support him, even temporarily, could well kill the relationship.

It'd be terrible and unreasonable to ask him to spend less time with his kids, so either you need to look for a larger place together and he needs to be looking for a job so you can afford it together & know he'll much in with everything that needs doing, or you need to keep as two separate households.

I don't think you're being horrible at all - it'd be foolish to go into this when you have such reservations.

zikes · 03/02/2011 08:52

muck in with everything that needs doing

zikes · 03/02/2011 09:00

potential unemployment

Hell, I should write my whole post again.

softglowsandmaybes · 03/02/2011 09:14

Do you feel like this because your own children's father is such a shit? Maybe you feel "jealous" on your children's behalf? Understandable. If you are jealous because he calls his DD beautiful and not you - for the sake of that man's children, leave him alone. His wife got what she was entitled to, its always going to be a struggle setting up home with a man who already has children he is legally bound to support. I don't think you will ever be satisfied with taking second place to his children, and unless you can get over that you should leave him because that is never going to change.

bratnav · 03/02/2011 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

GandalfyCarawak · 03/02/2011 09:18

If I ws without my kids for 50% of the time, I would miss them too. It shows he's caring and a good Dad- Probably a good guy.
Would you prefer if he didn't long to be with his children?

Bonsoir · 03/02/2011 09:18

First of all, never agree to a "flexible arrangement" when it comes to child residency of your partner's children. You will lose all control of your life as your partner and his/her exP will make all the decisions about where the children are and you will have no say.

Start with a set in stone arrangement and then relent as time goes by if all parties are reasonable and, crucially, consult with everyone concerned before making changes.

It is also really bad for children of divorced parents to live under a "flexible arrangement". They never know where they are and end up have both their parents and their stepparents running round after them. This is no way to bring up children.

cantspel · 03/02/2011 09:25

Flexible arrangements work fine if both adults behave like adults and put the child first.
He sounds a great dad and the last thing you should do is try to make him choose. Clearly you are not ready to live together so dont.
You also sound a bit resentful of the amount of attention he gives his children. This is not healthy or a good sign in your relationship. These are his children and will and should alway be his first priority.

hairyfairylights · 03/02/2011 09:25

He's a wonderful dad! A really wonderful dad. But not
the right man for you. He is right to put his kids first.

Bonsoir · 03/02/2011 09:36

"Putting children first" is not running a free hotel and chauffeuring service for the convenience of their other parent.

SparkleSoiree · 03/02/2011 09:37

Having children from a previous relationship does not put the new partner in 'second place'. To me it is a term used to keep the new partner 'in their place' by others outside the family unit. Why would anybody be happy to be classed as 'second place' and why would people want to make others feel like second place? It is disrespectful and insulting to be frank. Everybody is equal.

I have been married for nearly 5 years to DH and we have 5 children between us. He does not take second place to my children and I do not take second place to his. There is 'us' as a couple and there is 'the children'. Together we make up a family. Our children are our priority and everything we do is for them but if we took the attitude of 'my kids come before you' then our family would have failed a long time ago. Everyone is important and everyone has a voice.

Creating a blended family is a very different experience to creating a family for the first time. There are so many feelings to take into account of everyone concerned as each will have to make sacrifices including the children. Look at the OP, her children will have to share their space and get used to other children moving in. That in itself may bring out negative behaviour in OP's children but as long as they have their plan in the beginning of how they are going to handle the children's experience of becoming a blended family then they should get through it. It is very natural to have moments of doubt as you approach the day you move in together because it is such a huge development in your life and with it comes huge responsibility. Everyone gets nervous at huge things in their lives, interviews, weddings and babies to name but a few so it is perfectly natural to have moments of 'Am I doing the right thing' in this situation.

OP nothing is perfect and we all have negative feelings from time to time but as long as you have covered all bases from beds to finance then even if you have a rocky start you should eventually fly.

QuickLookBusy · 03/02/2011 09:38

I think he sounds an amazing father.

I can understand why you feel resentful about the ex-wife's money, house etc. Your life would be easier if the divorce had left him with more money. But you have to work with the situation you have, you can't demand the ex sell her house and gives your partner some money. You can't change what has happened. If you can't accept the 2fairness" of it, then you should move on.

I actually don't think it's great that you feel you will be the one doing all the cooking, cleaning, etc etc. You work too and if you have discussed moving in, he should have made it clear he would do his fair share.

You need to do a lot of talking.

chitchatingagain · 03/02/2011 09:45

If you move in together, it will be a blended family.

It will NOT be a 'good' blended family of your partner takes his DC out constantly when he has them, and doesn't spend at least a proportion of that time with you and your DC. He has to learn to start juggling a bit, and to start 'blending' the families.

If he and his DC are spending a lot of time at your place, he should already be helping out with house work. If they are there, they are creating chores, those chores need doing and he should be helping with them. If he can't or won't, then you have every reason to be worried about living together. You will effectively be responsible for everything, and your partner will get the 'fun bits' with his DC when they visit. NOT FAIR!!!!!!

cantspel · 03/02/2011 09:47

Bonsoir Thu 03-Feb-11 09:36:06
"Putting children first" is not running a free hotel and chauffeuring service for the convenience of their other parent.

He is not running a free hotel or chauffering service. He is being a father playing an active role in his childrens life.

Lets turn this thread on its head and read

I am a man and in a relationship with a wonderful woman. She has children and is a wonderful mother.
She has sole care of thse children and her time if often taken up with running them around and spending time with them so that means she cant be at my beck and call as and when i want her. Now i am willing to move in with her but these pesky children are going to mean i cant have 100% of her time and shock horror will mean i have to take an active role in their lives and even worse they could end up costing me money.

Should i ask her to limit her contact and activities with these children before i move in? Or maybe she can find someone else to have them and she can just see them every other weekend and maybe teatiem during the week.......

I can see the posts that would follow if a man had writtn the above so why is it different if a woman writes it?

notevenamousie · 03/02/2011 09:51

If you can't handle the contact, don't move in together. I had an ex like you and it took 18 months for his true feelings to really show, like yours are. I left him.

You are making him choose and hopefully he will choose his girls. As has been said, if this was the other way round, the replies would be different.

Bonsoir · 03/02/2011 09:53

cantspel - if I were a man and I lived with a woman who had children from another relationship and their father was forever popping round, chauffeuring them about, I didn't know when the children were going to be there or not... well, TBH, that's why a lot of divorced women never remarry

BuzzLightBeer · 03/02/2011 10:03

First of all, paragraphs.

Second, you sound jealous that his kids have what yours don't, and you sound like you want to control his relationship with his children. There is probably a good reason you haven't lived together before now, and it hasn't changed.

cantspel · 03/02/2011 10:04

Bonsoir It might not be for you but it can work very well.
My brother has a child who is now coming upto being a teenager and he has had a flexible arrangement with the childs mother since the my nephew was a baby. My brother works shifts and without flexability he would have a very part time relationship with his child.
As it is it has worked out that he has my nephew about 50% of the time but just not on set days.
My brother has the benefit of now having a strong relationship with his child and the mother has the benefit of having an ex partner who has taken an active part in the childs life.

Bonsoir · 03/02/2011 10:08

You can take a very active part in your children's life without having a whole household revolve around them. Frankly, I think that that is an appalling example to children and an appalling attitude to a new partner.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6