My Husbands Children

[sillyflowers]

This is so difficult. I have a lovely partner and he has 2 girls 7 and 12. I have 3 children of my own who I look after single handedly and do everything for, they live with me exclusively, their dad is not interested. My partner is so into his girls and despite the fact they are supposed to live primarily with their Mum who has a big house,lots of money, full time aupair and who took virtually everything in their divorce, the girls are spending 50% of the time with their Dad. He has it arranged that he has them 7 nights out of 14 and these nights are arranged to suit his ex and him. Basically he wants them as much as possible. On the nights he doesn't have them he's on the phone to them or going round to their house. He texts his eldest every night and I feel terrible but I don't like it because it's things like 'I love you beautiful' xxxxxx.It's the kind of thing he used to send to me and it makes me cringe a bit, is that awful?? When they're not around he seems unsettled. We are supposed to be moving in together but because he got very little from his divorce he will move into my house which isn't very big and I don't want to be awful but I don't know if I can cope with 5 kids in the house 50% of the time. The original agreement when they divorced was that they lived with their mum and he would have them 1-2 nights a week and alternate weekends. He has turned the alternate weekend into thursday afternoon to monday which is 4 nights plus having them another 2 more nights the following week and another night before the thursday to sunday weekend. On his ex's weekend he gets up at 7am to go and take his daughter to swimming and does various other things for them. On the nights when she's supposed to have them he goes and takes them swimming or has them round for tea. I guess I feel a bit sore about the fact that his ex is perfectly capable of looking after them when she has them and she has a full time aupair and she has the Dad on hand to do anything at all. The money settlement annoys me because we're struggling financially and she fought to keep everything and my partner agreed to the 1-2 nights and alternate weekends which is how she was allowed to get away with not giving him much. So, we're left struggling and will be crammed into a little house. I really wouln't mind say 3 nights one week, 2 the other but 5 nights one week and 2 the other I think is too much. I work nights and am often tired and I just don't know if I can handle it. Is it really tight of me to ask him if we could try the 3 night one week 2 the next- with flexability of course. Plus it look like he might loose his job and I don't think I can provide for him and an extra 2 children- it's also food and things like that. Really bad situation. I feel so guilty for feeling like this but I'm also cross about it too. It's almost like a desperation thing for him to have his kids as much as possible and he will do anything. Think if I say anything it'll go down like a lead balloon :( Any advice/thoughts greatly appreciated. I get on with his kids and am very fond of them and don't want to be mean. Unfortunately I think if they spend all that time at my house they will get on my nerves. I want us all to enjoy having them and I want it to be nice for them too. Basically, would it be horrible/unreasonable of me to ask that we have them 3 nights one week and 2 the next week. More in holidays of course.

Sillyflowers - on thinking about your position a bit more, my feeling is that your DP moving in with you is only a good idea if you both share a determination to make it work as a family. It sounds as though you are ready to make a go of this, but I wonder whether he is. Do you think he would be prepared to relinquish his current freedom to drop everything to be with one of his daughters at a moment's notice? If you are to be a family, he needs to be ready to recognise that his and/or his daughters wishes should not trump yours and your DCs' every time.

You would like to live with him, to have him around much more, and you are willing to make a home for him and his girls. Do you think he would do his bit for the new blended family, and not just his daughters? Would he take your DC to their clubs etc and do his share of the housework and cooking?

I think his moving in will only work if he wants to live with you enough to adopt a new attitude that all 5 children are the children of the family. You need to talk to him and find out whether he is or not.

Maybe she is resentful. I don't blame her, she is probably wondering how she will feel when DP and his ex expect her to put their children before her own when no-one has done that for her. I know it's not her partners fault she has brought up 3 kids singlehandedly, it's not his ex wifes either, but like I said before, what has she really got to gain here?

Financially - she may end up supporting him and his kids.

Practically - DP will be out and about with his children when she might need his help.

Emotionally - she will be expected to just love everyone and get on with it. If she dares to complain, she will be an evil,jealous woman.

I don't there is anything to gain for anyone concerned in this situation by this couple deciding to live together. I think the whole thing will become a seething mass of resentment from all concerned.

But they are his kids, just because he got awareded 2 days aweek but can now see his kids more does not mean he has to stick with it.

Op is ok she can have her kids 100% of the time. How would she feel if the tables were turned?

So if maintenance has changed then get it put right.

MusieB is right when she said

I think his moving in will only work if he wants to live with you enough to adopt a new attitude that all 5 children are the children of the family. You need to talk to him and find out whether he is or not.

But this works both ways and at the moment I dont think it does.

He would not get the house if he had children under 18, a mother is legally allowed to live in the marital home until the kids reach 18, the exwife has either paid him off his half or there is a charge on the house if she sells it so he gets his half.

I agree with FabbyChic - either that or he is happy with what he has given up.

Imagine this - OP and her DP move in together. DP's kids are at their mum's alternate weekends. So one weekend all the kids, OP, DP can do stuff together as a family. Lovely. Perhaps they go away, plan a day out, perhaps he takes his kids swimming, she takes hers to football, they all meet up for lunch after and spend the rest of the day together. Or perhaps the DP takes his kids out for some solo time with them. Fine.

Next weekend, it should be OP, her kids and her DP. His kids at their mum's. They can go away, visit friends, potter round at home in the morning, have breakfast together, take OP's kids to football together, or take turns so each gets a lie in 1 in 4 weekends. How nice. But no - DP is summoned to take his kids swimming at 7am that Sat morning because their Mum, who has an au pair, and 7 /14 days to herself, can't be bothered to do this on her weekend. So off goes DP, willingly of course because he loves his kids. And there is poor old OP having breakfast without her DP, trundling off to football with her kids (willingly, cos she loves them) left to stand on the touch line on her own. Perhaps she has to wait round for DP to finish swimming, hanging out at his ex's house with his girls, even though it's their time at their Mum's house. The day isn't OP's and her kids and DP's any more, it's OP on her own with her kids. Again.

Don't see why OP gets such a hard time on this. She's the one whose sharing her home wiht the DP, his kids 50% of the time (all fine) but what is he bringing to the table? enough money so they can get a new place? will he help around the house? does he help with her kids? he might lose his job and then she's providing for everyone!

OP think it through in lots of detail and talk to your DP about how it works practically. Him seeing his kids less isn't an option, but I don't see why it can't be set properly in stone that it's 50:50 then you all know where you stand - kids included.

Balls, 5 kids in a 3 bedroom house would be a bit of a nightmare most of the time, and a LOT of a nightmare the rest of the time.

What about their stuff? What about the eldest girl's encroaching adolescence?

YOU need a bigger house if you move in together, and you need to put your foot down about exactly how much of the donkey work you are p[repared to do.

It's all very well doing lots of trips and activities - somewhere along the line, somewhere in the background, is someone cleaning, cooking, making beds and buying for and preparing 5 packed lunches.

Is it him? Is it going to be him if/when you move in together?

It is not fair to stick you with all the extra work because you happen to be doing it for your own three anyway. You mention you are a nurse - it's a hard job and he needs to be helping you with your children as much as you help him with his.

I won't say for a second that reducing contact is the answer - it isn't. But you need more space and more help. He cannot expect to dump all the enabling onto you.

MrSpoc - the OP has said that she gets on really well with his daughters and is there for them (she says has talked to them about things they have found it difficult to talk to their mother about). Sounds to me like she might be ready to have them as part of her family - but that she is just worried that her OH's devotion to them is such that living together won't work out if his girls spend as much time with him as they do now. FWIW I think she's barking up the wrong tree in trying to limit the amount of time the girls spend with him (and that that is what has riled you) - instead I think she would be better off concentrating on establishing whether her OH can prioritise the needs of a new family (of the 2 of them plus 5 kids) over seeing his girls at every possible moment. If he can then I don't think how much time his 2 girls spend there will be make or break.

FabbyChic - divorce settlements are different in "big money" cases, and it sounds to me as though the ex has money of her own and what you have said does not necessarily apply here. If it was a "clean break" settlement with no maintenance being paid on either side then there is no flexibility to go back and change things now that circumstances have altered.

WonderingStar - I think you have mist some stuff out.

His kids are his kids no matter what. what is wrong with him taking the kids every saturday to swimming at 7.00am? it is a routine. Having an aupair is just lasiness on her part but does not take away the fact he wants to spend time with his children.

Also Why should op's partner spend time with Ops kids when she does not want his kids there over thier alotted 2 days aweek.

If the op wants to spend time as a family unit then that includes his kids. Shec cannot pick and choose. She is trying to alianate his kids.

MusieB - I agree with you that if they have set plans then the partner needs to grow some balls and no go running at every beck and call.

The only reason I am rilled is because of these remarks make me think she is just bitter and resentful towards the kids and ex

texting i love you to kids?
Ex has bigger house and more money after divorce?
he takes his kids swimming every sat at 7.00am?

Also does op have 3 bed or 4 bed?

fair enough MrSpoc, see where you're coming from. I wonder what the DP would say if one day he was asked to take her kids to football, and OP did swimming with his DDs? Gneuine question, not being snide. There's lots of speculation on this thread but OP hasn't really said what the DP does with her children and how they mesh as a family together - holidays aside. There is no mention of how her kids fit in here on a day to day basis with the DP and with his children.

I think it is unfortunate that there is an imbalance, doubly so: DP and his Ex share parenting, and DP puts in even more than was expected of him (which is great); OP does all of her parenting alone, so her kids don't have another parent to take them to football or hang out with them. If they're going to be a proper family, her DP is going to have to pull his weight with them too.

MrSpoc - yes, perhaps you have a point that she is bitter about the ex, but think that is fairly par for the course and it would be quite hard, in her circumstances, not to be. However I read it differently to you - I don't think she's trying to alienate his kids, she seems to really like them. I think she is worried that his utter devotion to his girls is going to get in the way of them all working out as a blended family - which is why I am suggesting she should explore with him his feelings on all this.

the thing i am struggling with is, why has she any right to be resentful against the exwife?

I asume this divorce was all sorted before they met so the financials of the split has absolutly nothing to do with her.

Or did her partner leave his exwife for Op and Op thought she was on to a winner with all his money and is now wrong (and i am joking with this bit)

I have only read the opening thread.

My DH parents divorced when he was a toddler, and at 16 he and his full brother went to live fulltime with his dad step mum and half brother. His step mum didnt like it at all, and insisted he and his brother moved out. DH and his brother moved in with paternal grandparents.

DH's father and step mum were not at our wedding, and 20 years on DH has not forgiven his dad or step mum, for making him and his brother leave home.

I know its completely different, but being rejected in favour of his father's new family messed my DH up for many years.

Tread carefully, your partners childhood is so precious.

That should read partners children chidhood.

MrSpoc, TBH I think her feeling resentful about the exW is beside the point here and is a side issue. I take it that you have not been divorced yourself, have never been involved with a divorcee, and that you are not a child of divorced parents. If you were you'd understand that it often just goes with the territory and should be ignored in order to focus on the bigger issue!

You sound totally unreasonable.

Just because the children's parents are divorced, you want him not to call his daughter beautiful, or to tell her he loves her or send kisses when he is unable to tuck them up at night or read them bedtime stories? And to not spend as much time as it is possible with his kids. They should be his priority and sorry you should always come second. Children cannot look after themselves and shouldn't be dumped by a parent, because a relationship doesn't work out.

MusieB

As i said before - my mum divoerced my dad what i was 5 and I have a great step mum.

I was married and diverced and have 1 child to previous relationship

I am now married with two more kids.

My point is not just her being resntful but everything else I had pointed out.

I just think she wants the ex's life style.

I also think that the Op has got some unresloved issues about her break up.

She has 3 kids - no supoport from her ex and no money

Op's partner's ex Wife has, House, Maintenance, Support and 50% childcare

I think the issue is that she is jealous that she did not get the same deal.

Excellent post KarmaBeliever

Add message | Report | Message poster  karmabeliever Thu 03-Feb-11 10:58:21

Okay, I might be completely wrong here, but I am wondering just how committed to the relationship the DP is.

I think it is great that he is spending lots of time with his DC, but I do wonder how much time he's spending with the OP. She (and her children) can't be the only ones to do any compromising. He has to be as committed to spending 'quality time' with the OP as he is to his DC.

I also think that if he's looking after them for 50% of the time, then he shouldn't be paying child support to his ex as if she was looking after them 100%.

I think that if he moves in and they marry, then this could go very wrong for the OP if the relationship fails. Having come off worse financially the first time around, he will not want that again. The OP could end up losing her assets.

All this is very convenient for the DP. He gets somewhere to live, doesn't have to pay as much as he would if he was maintaining a home independently, the OP is helping to raise his DC. He may lose his job and I can see the OP having to support the whole family. Support from the state would be limited because the OP would be classed as a partner, so her income would be taken into account. Seems like she could end up with a lot of the responsibility and not much of the fun.

I admit I might be judging very unfairly and I don't know the DP, but I'd be reluctant to blend everything at the moment.

I also prefer the idea of getting a completely new home, if that's possible and contributing equally, so it is neither your or his, but belongs to you both. That way the DC aren't losing what is theirs (bedroom space) but are staring from scratch iyswim. He can only do this if he's financially okay. He can't do it with the OP's money.

Sorry, MrSpoc, did not pick that up about your background, obviously not reading carefully enough.

I expect that the OP is indeed jealous, but really, so what if she is? Can't blame her for thinking that if she was in the same position as the ex she wouldn't have the problems she's now grappling with. It isn't as though her jealousy is leading her to actually be vindictive against anyone....