My Husbands Children

[sillyflowers]

This is so difficult. I have a lovely partner and he has 2 girls 7 and 12. I have 3 children of my own who I look after single handedly and do everything for, they live with me exclusively, their dad is not interested. My partner is so into his girls and despite the fact they are supposed to live primarily with their Mum who has a big house,lots of money, full time aupair and who took virtually everything in their divorce, the girls are spending 50% of the time with their Dad. He has it arranged that he has them 7 nights out of 14 and these nights are arranged to suit his ex and him. Basically he wants them as much as possible. On the nights he doesn't have them he's on the phone to them or going round to their house. He texts his eldest every night and I feel terrible but I don't like it because it's things like 'I love you beautiful' xxxxxx.It's the kind of thing he used to send to me and it makes me cringe a bit, is that awful?? When they're not around he seems unsettled. We are supposed to be moving in together but because he got very little from his divorce he will move into my house which isn't very big and I don't want to be awful but I don't know if I can cope with 5 kids in the house 50% of the time. The original agreement when they divorced was that they lived with their mum and he would have them 1-2 nights a week and alternate weekends. He has turned the alternate weekend into thursday afternoon to monday which is 4 nights plus having them another 2 more nights the following week and another night before the thursday to sunday weekend. On his ex's weekend he gets up at 7am to go and take his daughter to swimming and does various other things for them. On the nights when she's supposed to have them he goes and takes them swimming or has them round for tea. I guess I feel a bit sore about the fact that his ex is perfectly capable of looking after them when she has them and she has a full time aupair and she has the Dad on hand to do anything at all. The money settlement annoys me because we're struggling financially and she fought to keep everything and my partner agreed to the 1-2 nights and alternate weekends which is how she was allowed to get away with not giving him much. So, we're left struggling and will be crammed into a little house. I really wouln't mind say 3 nights one week, 2 the other but 5 nights one week and 2 the other I think is too much. I work nights and am often tired and I just don't know if I can handle it. Is it really tight of me to ask him if we could try the 3 night one week 2 the next- with flexability of course. Plus it look like he might loose his job and I don't think I can provide for him and an extra 2 children- it's also food and things like that. Really bad situation. I feel so guilty for feeling like this but I'm also cross about it too. It's almost like a desperation thing for him to have his kids as much as possible and he will do anything. Think if I say anything it'll go down like a lead balloon :( Any advice/thoughts greatly appreciated. I get on with his kids and am very fond of them and don't want to be mean. Unfortunately I think if they spend all that time at my house they will get on my nerves. I want us all to enjoy having them and I want it to be nice for them too. Basically, would it be horrible/unreasonable of me to ask that we have them 3 nights one week and 2 the next week. More in holidays of course.

hardly a new partner as they have been together 4 years. So for all these years she has know that the children play a very important part in his life but she wants now to limit their involvement so she can live with him.

She is the one with the choice in this and her choice should be not to live with him.

How old are your children sillyflowers? I'm just thinking how you would fit in his two children into presumably a 3 bedroom house. If they'd only be there a few nights a week where would they sleep? Would your DCs be prepared to give up a room? Would that be even fair if his DCs are not there full time? Could they share rooms with your DCs? A lot of practicalities to think about.

I think if you're planning a life with him you have to do it knowing that if anything happened to your partner's ex (the girls mother) then you'd have them 100% of the time and if that fills you with dread or you think either emotionally or practically you couldn't do it then I wouldn't move in with him. It's the wrong time anyway while he might be made redundant. I think the resentment would build up quickly if you were trying to support everyone. I'd just leave it as it is and 'date' him till the kids are much older.

If I ever got divorced, I would want a 50/50 split time-wise, so to me, his desire to look after the children 50% of the time is not abnormal or needs questioning.

Of course he should be doing stuff like dropping them off at swimming. Often separated mums moan that the dads only get to do the 'fun' bit on weekends, they do all the crap in the week. So, here's a dad who is prepared to do all that stuff, very good.

I think your plans are unrealistic. When you make a new family with someone, you are not taking them on conditionally twice a week. What if something happened to the mum (god forbid), she becaome ill or unable to take them. You would have them all the time. I don't get all this 'work out exactly what days you have them, get it set in stone and then proceed'. Even if you did that, you still think that the amount of time they would be with you is too much, and I can't see what will change that.

As others have said, this is a practical problem (burden on you, too small house) coupled with some emotional issues (does he have time for you, if yes, what is the issue?)

You can't be in a blended family and then moan if there's any blending. They are parts of his life, not just add-ons who will be visitors occasionally.

Being part of a blended family does not mean blending with the former partner . It's not a harem.

We have a 50:50 split, DP is the more active parent and we have set-in-stone arrangements.

Wholeheartedly agree Bonsoir.

I think he sounds like a wonderful man as he is putting his children first and foremost. A mother would do that, why can't a dad. To stay with him you would have to accept that his children are his priority as your children no doubt are to you. Imagine it was the other way round and you lived with his kids, wouldn't you want your kids over as much as possible or would you think 5 kids in the house was too much then?

cantspel,

You talk about the flexible arrangements working for the bio parents of the child, but what about the step parent and the other children in the family?

There are several people to consider here, not just the OP's partner, HIS children and HIS ex wife.

To never ever be able to make a plan as things have to kept "flexible" is not going to benefit the OP or HER children as they will always be the ones fitting around things.

If he is having the children that much then perhaps the maintenance he is paying should be adjusted.

He sounds like an amazing dad.

I'm concerned that you don't like him sending his daughters nice text messages. You need to grow up a bit there. He sounds great.

theredhen then the answer is not to live with him.
This is not a new relationship. It has been ongoing for 4 years so she cant now change the rules if she wants to live with him. Why should the children lose part of their father? at 12 and 7 they will see it as being pushed aside in favour of her and her children.
And what about her children. I bet she wont expect that they lose out on doing their activites it he moves in. She admits that if she had to have his children around too much they get on her nerves, so if having her children around all the time get on his nerves can he ask her to put them into care or send them to a relatives?

The simple answer is not to live with him as clearly they both have other prioties in their lives.

Sillyflowers it is understandable that you miss him and want to spend time with him but moving in at this point seems like a very bad idea. Yes you would have him around more but you would also feel your space was being invaded and start to feel resentful for that. You do sound jealous already although considering the situation I can understand why. Were you guys seeing each other before his divorce was finalized? I only ask because surely you would have known about all these technicalities in terms of visitation with his children and his financial position before now. Besides that, they are his children and however nasty thier mother is in terms of her selfishness, you would be equally as bad if you expected him to compromise the time he has with his children. Put yourself in his shoes, would you want someone telling you to compromise the time you get with your children? Doubtful. I agree with what others have said, right guy wrong time. You have to accept his children or you will be asking him to choose and I don't think he would pick you if he really is the guy you describe him as.

I may have a different perspective on this because I am not a stepmum but the child of a hyper-blended family - my stepsiblings' parents and my parents are married to each other IYSWIM. This happened while we were in our early teens. All of us siblings/stepsiblings are now incredibly close despite the parents' divorces being long and bloody.
I do not agree with those who have said that the children must come first, must take priority to the OP. It sounds like the OP and her DP have a great relationship which will hopefully last a long time, way beyond the point when the children have left home. Why should that be sacrificed in case in has the tiniest impact on the partner's relationship with his girls? In any case I think the success of a blended family is dependant on the strength of the underlying relationship of the couple.
Yes, the OP is jealous of the resources available to the ex, who wouldn't be in that situation? But the financial situation is as it is and they'll have to manage within those constraints.
I don't blame the OP for worrying how they would cope all living together in a tiny house. I think its important she works out with DP, if he moves in, how they will run the household, with him doing his fair share.
But it could be the best thing she ever does. Sounds like her kids will be gaining a fabulous stepfather and two lovely stepsisters - GOOD LUCK OP!!

Sorry to sound harsh but their his kids he has every right to see them as much as he wants.

Are you just gutted because he did not get that much in the divorce?

If you cant handle his kids full time then you should not be with him.

MusieB - because he is their dad, what better reason is there?

If i divorced my wife then I would ant to see my boys as much as i can, or would prefer to have them full time. If i got with a women who did not respect that then we would not be together long.

Some women expect men to take them and their kids - no questions asked or they are out. How is this any different?

Okay, I might be completely wrong here, but I am wondering just how committed to the relationship the DP is.

I think it is great that he is spending lots of time with his DC, but I do wonder how much time he's spending with the OP. She (and her children) can't be the only ones to do any compromising. He has to be as committed to spending 'quality time' with the OP as he is to his DC.

I also think that if he's looking after them for 50% of the time, then he shouldn't be paying child support to his ex as if she was looking after them 100%.

I think that if he moves in and they marry, then this could go very wrong for the OP if the relationship fails. Having come off worse financially the first time around, he will not want that again. The OP could end up losing her assets.

All this is very convenient for the DP. He gets somewhere to live, doesn't have to pay as much as he would if he was maintaining a home independently, the OP is helping to raise his DC. He may lose his job and I can see the OP having to support the whole family. Support from the state would be limited because the OP would be classed as a partner, so her income would be taken into account. Seems like she could end up with a lot of the responsibility and not much of the fun.

I admit I might be judging very unfairly and I don't know the DP, but I'd be reluctant to blend everything at the moment.

I also prefer the idea of getting a completely new home, if that's possible and contributing equally, so it is neither your or his, but belongs to you both. That way the DC aren't losing what is theirs (bedroom space) but are staring from scratch iyswim. He can only do this if he's financially okay. He can't do it with the OP's money.

MrSpoc: do note that I have written from the perspective of the child not the parent. It is in the interests of the child for the parent to have a good and happy relationship, and it is no bad thing for children to understand that there are other things in their parents lives that are important. But I do agree that it makes no difference whether you are talking about a woman and her kids or a man and his.

I must advise you not to move in with him. You say your concerns are purely financial/ practical, but the way you felt the need to mention his texts to her suggest you do feel a little jealous/ resentful of his dds. Not a nice feeling, but not something you can help either. I am not judging you for that. You can't help it. But those feelings will get worse if you live together.
As for flexible arrangements, DON'T DO IT. You will find that the arrangements will never be flexible in your favour.
I think it's sad that some people expect step-mums to accept their lot as 'second place' citizens in their own homes and relationship. They are humans too with feelings. If a couple with no previous children have a baby, does each person suddenly become 'second place' to their partner? Its horrible and cruel to tell someone that they are and always will be second priority to the person they wish to spend their life with.
I was once a step child. My parents made it clear that they had new lives now, and that I had to fit in around the adults as well as them fitting around me. The world never revolved around me as a step child. Rightly so, as I oh-so-quickly grew up and got on with my own life. If my parents had sacrificed every other aspect of their happiness for mine they would have been leading pretty lonely boring lives while I was out partying/ enjoying my own life.

The attitude of 'second place' alongside the disney thinking of 'wicked' really paints step parents in a very bad light unjustifiably and to be honest is very ignorant.

I think it takes a special combination of two adults to make a successful blended family. After all many of us have already come from families that broke down so to go on and create something successful is a huge thing for everyone involved.

RunawayFishWife (good name!!) I do feel sometimes that he dominates the time the kids are with their Mum. She recently tried to say that the amount of time he has them is disruptive but he just got upset and really defensive. But she does take advantage of him and will get him to do the stuff she doesn't fancy doing like the 7am swim on a saturday on her weekend and other activities during the week but as a normal mum I don't have that luxury. I'm standing on the side of a frozen football pitch at 830 am every Saturday and spend 3 hours a week sweating on the side of a swimming pool. I have to take all the kids out in the car at 815 to pick my daughter up from guides and again another night to pick my boy up from football training. I don't have someone who will do all the things I don't fancy doing. I think they should have quality time with her as well as him. Like on Sunday it was their weekend with the Mum but the eldest phoned him and said she wanted to see him so he went to get her and had her overnight. I wasn't sure it was the right thing as if it had been the other way round he would have been devastated. He had them on monday night and I phoned him, the mum was round at his, had come to drop something off and was upstairs putting one of the girls to bed. Sometimes it's just a bit too much. When he goes to pick them up for the weekend he has to go into the mums house and pack thier things. If my ex ever has my children I would make sure the bag was packed and waiting for when he came. I think when he has them he should have them and when she has them it would be nice if we could have him, if I could have him and he could do stuff with us and give me a bit of support. I work nights which doesn't help, I get so tired and grumpy and still rely on my Mum to come and stay over to look after my 3 kids because most of the time he's at his house because he's got his kids!!
It all sounds a bit crazy I know. But the situation as is causes tension. I am resenting him being away so much but if we lived together he wouldn't be away so much so that would be better. He would be able to look after my kids while I worked even if he had his own, we couild help each other out. As it is because I work 2 nights a week and he has the girls 5 nights some weeks we don't get to see each other at all really. We have a 4 bedroom house. My kids each have their own room. We could do some moving around. I would want the girls to have a nice room with their things in it and have it all nice for them and look forward to them coming, I don't want it to be chaos. He is lovely with my children who are 7, 9 and 11 maybe not quite as soft as he is with his own but that's fine by me and I trust him 100% with them and they are very fond of him. We've been through a lot together and I feel in all other aspects we're very strong.
I feel so bad for being mean about him. I need to do some talking and thinking aloud with him.
Thanks everyone. I've also been on the other end of this situation as my ex went off with another woman who my children really struggled with and he sided with her and basically the kids just wouldn't go to him. She was horrible to them, called them spoilt, told them they were rude, all sorts of things. I have really built up a good relationship with the girls, they like me, I like them and I am patient and kind to them and am more sensitive to the situation because of the experience my children have had. I just get frustrated for all the reasons stated and i don't know, as someone earlier suggested, that him having them 5 or 6 nights out of 14 instead of 7 would destroy them if they knew they had 2 loving homes one of which they spent marginally less time in and they spent a fraction more time with their Mum. The Mum is a lawyer and really she should be paying maintenence but because my partner couldn't afford the legal costs and didn't want a fight he's come out financially very badly off but it's all done
now. It is irritating though. He's just too nice sometimes but I love him for that. I'm gonna try harder and not be such a miserable cow and appreciate him and his children. What a load of waffle!!!!

what a lovely dad. but if you want someone with fewer existing responsibilities and affections then you need to look elsewhere.

it's not fair to expect this man to give up time and with and commitment to his daughters (who after all were around before you came on the scene) for life with you and yours how you would want it.

Don't move him in yet.

If you're serious about each other, then start saving so that you can buy a place together that's big enough for everyone.

If the real issue is that you just don't like his kids and are jealous of the time he spends with them, then for everyone's sake get out. He sounds like he adores his kids; it's not fair to make him choose between you and them.

Or is it maybe that you feel jealous of his ex, because he's so involved in his children's lives despite the separation, while your ex doesn't want to know? That could well be colouring your perception.

Would you mind using paragraphs? I find it hard to follow otherwise.

I don't see how having them 5 or 6 nights is so different than 7, if you find it all too much, you find it all too much.

And I do agree with Bonsior that there's a benefit to sorting out the times and sticking to them. I'm just pointing out that if for any reason that needed to change in the future (including him taking them full-time) you need to be open to that if you agree to live with this person, as you are taking on their family responsibilities including a future which you can't yet see.

I don't see why taking them swimming or to activities is intrinsically a bad thing, that is 'normal', whatever normal is, well it is in our household.

I've hardly managed to digest any of this for that same reason monkey

I just think that she is bitter because the ex got the house and most of the assests after the divorce and she thought that she would get it.

Also why you so jealous of him texting i love you to his kids. that is just wrong.