My Husbands Children

[sillyflowers]

This is so difficult. I have a lovely partner and he has 2 girls 7 and 12. I have 3 children of my own who I look after single handedly and do everything for, they live with me exclusively, their dad is not interested. My partner is so into his girls and despite the fact they are supposed to live primarily with their Mum who has a big house,lots of money, full time aupair and who took virtually everything in their divorce, the girls are spending 50% of the time with their Dad. He has it arranged that he has them 7 nights out of 14 and these nights are arranged to suit his ex and him. Basically he wants them as much as possible. On the nights he doesn't have them he's on the phone to them or going round to their house. He texts his eldest every night and I feel terrible but I don't like it because it's things like 'I love you beautiful' xxxxxx.It's the kind of thing he used to send to me and it makes me cringe a bit, is that awful?? When they're not around he seems unsettled. We are supposed to be moving in together but because he got very little from his divorce he will move into my house which isn't very big and I don't want to be awful but I don't know if I can cope with 5 kids in the house 50% of the time. The original agreement when they divorced was that they lived with their mum and he would have them 1-2 nights a week and alternate weekends. He has turned the alternate weekend into thursday afternoon to monday which is 4 nights plus having them another 2 more nights the following week and another night before the thursday to sunday weekend. On his ex's weekend he gets up at 7am to go and take his daughter to swimming and does various other things for them. On the nights when she's supposed to have them he goes and takes them swimming or has them round for tea. I guess I feel a bit sore about the fact that his ex is perfectly capable of looking after them when she has them and she has a full time aupair and she has the Dad on hand to do anything at all. The money settlement annoys me because we're struggling financially and she fought to keep everything and my partner agreed to the 1-2 nights and alternate weekends which is how she was allowed to get away with not giving him much. So, we're left struggling and will be crammed into a little house. I really wouln't mind say 3 nights one week, 2 the other but 5 nights one week and 2 the other I think is too much. I work nights and am often tired and I just don't know if I can handle it. Is it really tight of me to ask him if we could try the 3 night one week 2 the next- with flexability of course. Plus it look like he might loose his job and I don't think I can provide for him and an extra 2 children- it's also food and things like that. Really bad situation. I feel so guilty for feeling like this but I'm also cross about it too. It's almost like a desperation thing for him to have his kids as much as possible and he will do anything. Think if I say anything it'll go down like a lead balloon :( Any advice/thoughts greatly appreciated. I get on with his kids and am very fond of them and don't want to be mean. Unfortunately I think if they spend all that time at my house they will get on my nerves. I want us all to enjoy having them and I want it to be nice for them too. Basically, would it be horrible/unreasonable of me to ask that we have them 3 nights one week and 2 the next week. More in holidays of course.

Personally I think the OP is upset because when she started out in this relationship she probably had an idea of where it would go (as we all do) and it hasn't turned out that way at all.

She does sound jealous and somewhat selfish, especially the texting thing but financial and domestic concerns are valid. The problem I see is that it will breed resentful feelings and affect her relationship.

BTW, I am also a child of a very different (non nuclear) family structure with many half and step siblings, and I believe that the childrens contact with both parents is very important. If it can be maintained then all the better.

You are not the worst person in the world but it seems like you are gonna have to make some decisions that you may not like. Either way you are going to have to compromise something to keep this relationship going. Either accept it or move on.

I don't blame you for being peeved that the ex got everything if he is still taking this much care of the kids, unfortunately the system here is not balanced enough and dad's tend to be overlooked where children are involved.

Although I do wonder why she got everyhting as you describe it.

Lots of different issues here...

I have to say that I think his texts ?I love you beautiful? are totally fine and even nice. I say things like that to my DDs all the time and don?t see why a Dad can?t do it too. If he can?t see her in person then why not by text?

It would gripe me to me paying out £££ based on 1-2 nights a week when it fact it was 50/50 split. I can understand that completely especially if money is tight. Its ridiculous to have to pay everything for girls 50% of the time and then still pay ex as if you are not doing this.

I do think its unreasonable to say you want the girls for less nights though because they will get on your nerves. They are part of the package with your partner, you can?t take one without the other, and to tell him you want them there less time is (one way or another) making him choose which is a dangerous thing to do as well as an unfair one. So I do think you have to get used to the idea but maybe look harder at the financial issues.

BTW OP I don?t think you sound awful at all I just think you have to do a bit of mental adjustment over this and you have to start thinking very long term about this ? think about you/your DDs relationship with your DP and his girls over the next 10 years rather than just the next 10 months.

?I get on with his kids and am very fond of them and don't want to be mean. Unfortunately I think if they spend all that time at my house they will get on my nerves. I want us all to enjoy having them and I want it to be nice for them too.?

Things are not hearts and flowers all the time in any family. What a 50/50 split means is that time with Dad is not a novelty it is literally life at the girls ?other? home. So they can be themselves at this home, warts and all, just like your DDs are allowed to be. Yes there will be times things are stressful or annoying or whatever else life throws up. It won?t be all nicey-nice but it will be real life family.

Are you prepared and open for that? Because to my mind you have to be in order for this to work out.

I am speaking as stepmother to 2 grown up boys (for over a decade now) whom I love very much. However it is easier for me in that I didn?t have my own kids when I met DH (we now have 2 together).

And when it comes to your Dp?s ex Bonsoir is right ? you don?t have to be friends you just have to have a working relationship when needed (which , TBH, you won?t eed much of if your DH can communicate with her)

But, IMO, your quality of life will vastly improve if you learn to ?detach? from any sort of emotional reaction (ie, anger, jealousy) about her. Detach detach detach!

Life will feel much better if you worry about you and yours and let her get on with hers. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors ? you think you know her life, she no doubt thinks she knows yours. But neither of you are right! Just focus on the kids and your own ?blended? family instead of her.

Its hard at first but it gets easier with practice I promise

Wise words Macmama

Sillyflowers, I read your post with the details about your DP sort of intruding on the time the mum has with the girls, and I think you are right about this.

I think your DP needs to respect the time the girls have with their mum, let her either sink or swim wrt the 7 o'clock swimming activity on Saturdays (i.e. let her either take them or forget about it and let the girls deal with her about missing swimming and not feel free to call him to provide backup).

I think there's a chance he may be just well-meaning, but I strongly suspect there's some one-upmanship going on with him trying to outdo the mum for the affections of the girls, showing what a superior parent he is. Meanwhile, the girls are finding out that he's a pushover and are playing the two parents off against each other. The older one is stressed enough about the situation for her grades to be mediocre, despite having two parents falling over each other to prove what fab parents they are...

I think this relationship of yours won't work until your DP gets his relationship with his ex sorted out and stops competing with her. He doesn't sound detached enough from that relationship to be really able to put his relationship with you first and see you and him and your DCs and his part time as a family unit.

Coldtits, you are right about the nuts and bolts here - I have 5 DCs all of my own, no stepfather or anything involved, and four small bedrooms and it's that sort of thing that can put a huge strain on the primary housekeeper. Packed lunches, finding swimming togs and football gear, time with the TV - all bad enough at the best of times, but insert someone else's children into a small house, a limited number of hours in a day, and an unhealthy dynamic between the parents of the DP and DCs who are used to seeing a parent jump when they call, and the outcome looks rather bleak.

Pick a man without children next time. He' about to lose his job and he has no money and he's moving in with you plus the 3 children... I hope he's good in bed to make up for all these other disadvantages....

Anyway it of course wonderful he wants to see a lot of his chidlren. Would you like it if he said - right I want you but only want your chidlren there 3 nights a week so send them boarding school or have them stay 3 or 4 nights with grandparents every week. Of course you wouln't as you love them just as he loves them. The fact you chose a man with no money no prospects and soon no job who has 3 dependants... well that was your choice. There are plenty of men out there without those disadvantages.

'he takes his kids to swimming lessons on a saturday its at 7.00am in the morning and will only be for 1 hour - 2 hours. What else does she want to do at this time? '

She might want to lie in with her DP on a Saturday morning when the DSD's mother should be bringing them swimming. He needs to see this from her pov here. If he doesn't necessarily have to be taking the girls swimming on Saturday morning, and this is actually his ex-wife's time with the girls, he has no business (A) thinking it's ok to intrude on the ex's time with her DDs, and no right to (B) expect Sillyflowers to twiddle her thumbs waiting for him to be finished interfering with his ex-wife's parenting time.

Bonsoir, your posts are spot on imo.

Voice of bitter experience

As harsh as it may sound, Xenia is quite correct: why, if you (plural) have been happy to have the relationship you have had for the past four years does he only want to move in with you, now is about to become unemployed. I would say, continue in the relationship if it brings you happiness, however do it living in separate houses.

When he is suitably employed again he could put forward money to provide you all a larger house - if that is your joint decision. Good luck.

*he is about to become unemployed

caramel has it - say you love him very much but you won't move in and perhaps might wait until his prospects improve and you and he can buy a house together and may be even are in a financial position to marry. No need to rush in together. He may just want to solve his housing needs....

I think that's what I said a few posts up from the start of the thread.

4 years together, potential unemployment, suggestion to move in = coincidence?

Why is this dp described as 'my husbands children'? Is that not odd?

Sillyflowers - where is he living now/where has he been living for the past four years?

Is there any good reason that he can not remain living in his own house?

If rented - he can claim Housing Benefit etc

If he owns his current home - he could sell it and buy with you if that is your decision.