Stepmother jealousy

[singleproudmum]

Has anyone else had to experience their children being resented by a jealous 'stepmother'?.

Have your children been made to feel in the way by the 'sm' when visiting their dad?
AIBU to think that a person shouldn't be with a partner if they can't fully accept and have respect for his kids?
I ask about 'stepmothers' as my kids have the one from hell and I just wondered how many others have this problem?

I'm not generalising as I know there are lots of fantastic stepmums out there, I have one myself,

Also, I know its not just some Sm's who are spiteful, I know it could include stepfather's but as this situation applies to me that's why I am talking about stepmothers.

I thought it would be best to post in this forum.

AIBU to think that a person shouldn't be with a partner if they can't fully accept and have respect for his kids?

I agree with that! Totally. You do not get involved with someone if you cannot accept and embrace their children.

I'd go one step further than hec and say that if you are going to be with someone who has kids, you have to not just accept and embrace them, wholeheartedly, as part of your life, you also have to accept they come ABOVE you in the pecking order

Oh dear, singleproudmum you just won't let this lie will you?

I agree with most of the comments, thanks guys!
Jb, I have every right (as you do) to post on here especially as like I said, I'm in this situation.

I am a stepmum, I agree that if you are going to be with somebody you have to accept that the kids come first, beyond that it is impossible to comment as you haven't really told us what is going on.

Stirfry, I guess I just wanted to hear other peoples experiences really as it is hard dealing with someone who resents your kids.

May I add that I have never caused any hassle for their stepmum .

I didn't say you didn't have the right OP.

Merely observing that your posts have a common theme...

Step parenting/lone parenting is a mine field. I know, because I too am a single parent and my DS has a step mum.

How do you know that she resents them? Its a tricky one because if she was nice to them, and they came back telling you how much they love her, you would feel jealous of her.. its a very difficult status being a stepmother, to find the right balance to keep the ex happy.

I agree with you JB

I know she resents them as I'm very close to my ex's family and they tell me all the spiteful things she says.
She tells my kids that I wont let them go on hol with her and their dad but the truth is they have never asked!
She has called my son fat and when I rang and asked her about it she then called him a liar.
I know my children werent lying.

There are so many things she has said to my kids that prove to me she resents their presence.

I am a stepmother and the stepmother bashing that goes on on mumsnet is a disgrace.

The first wive club pack mentality on here (in general, not just on this thread) is pitiful.

Yes, there are good stepmothers and bad stepmothers but most are somewhere in the middle. Some days we get it wrong and some days we get it right.

My relationship with my stepdaughter is a work in progress and it has it's complications but nothing is as straight forward as the OP makes out. You take on one set of responsibilities when you get involved with someone with children but the goalposts are always moving.

I truly believe there should be a day to celebrate stepparents (or maybe there is) as it is a thankless task a lot of the time and it is one not made much easier by the griping by bitter ex-wives.

My DS2's step mother never liked him. She resented every moment that he spent with them, wouldn't allow him to have anything personal in 'her' house and made him sleep on the landing because she didn't want him sleeping in the same room as her child. It was really brought home to me when DS2 came home one day after a visit and said that although she smiled at him, her 'eyes didn't smile'. He was only 8 years old when he said this, far too young to understand duplicity.
Anyway, she got her way in the end because she made DS2 feel so bad that he didn't want to visit any more and exDH stopped seeing him altogether. Hopefully one day when her 'amazing husband' does the dirty on her child she may understand how it feels...

Ok, thats fair enough then I suppose, given that information that you have. But if she is going to be a permanent fixture in their lives, I think you need to sit down together, alone, and then with the kids,and including your ex, to lay down ground rules that you all agree with. That way the kids cant play you all off against each other.

If she genuinely does resent the kids, then she shouldnt have got with your ex in the first place, and he needs to re-evalulate his relationship, and work out who is more important to him, his kids or his partner.

reddaisy, I can assure you I'm not a bitter ex-wife, I'm a mum who worries about the welfare of her kids, whats wrong with that?

Rhaegunde, please don't insult me by saying I need counselling to deal with 'anger' issues!
Honestly!

I don't know how you can judge me both of you, you don't even know me!

I have to say that my step mother was a nightmare and I spent a large part of my child hood terrified of her and i was beaten black and blue, she even managed to convince social services i was the diff child after my mum died. The only ones who believed me were my brothers and they saved me and my sis in law even caught her hitting me and she threated=ned to kill her if she touched me again. i finally left at 10 to my hero brother and sis in law and never looked back but i am scarred from it and never want my kids to go thru this

I think you have to look on the flip side of it and look at step CHILDREN jealousy too. Sometimes the kids are the more jealous of the two - the dad having a new family etc and can make stepmums life hellish when around.
I've experienced first hand being a step mum and having the kids tell paternal family lies about me. It's not nice and of course the kids are generally believed before the "wicked stepmother"

• have been

YANBU, I unfortunately have been in this situation, my exh hooked up with a woman (23) when he was 33, she told my kids on their first meeting that their mum was a cow, he sat back and did nothing for the next 5 years whilst she totally destroyed what little relationship they had with their dad. She got her way the children (now 19 & 20) do not speak to him or her, loads of horrible stories, some woman just do not want first children around, it is a reminder that their partner had a whole other life before them. My ExH should have ditched her when he saw what was going on, he didnt and the kids suffered. It is soul destroying to see what is happening to your kids and being unable to help in anyway.

I am not (and was never) a bitter ex wife, I wanted nothing more than for my children to be happy and because of her attitude they both destroyed my children childhood. My daughter is dating someone that has a child and she realises what an effect a bad stepmum can have on a child, she knows that she has to totally accept the child and she goes out of her way to ensure that the child is happy in her company.

I agree with you allatsea that the ex should realise how this person is treating his kids, and do something about it