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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepmother jealousy

150 replies

singleproudmum · 01/02/2011 18:27

Has anyone else had to experience their children being resented by a jealous 'stepmother'?.

Have your children been made to feel in the way by the 'sm' when visiting their dad?
AIBU to think that a person shouldn't be with a partner if they can't fully accept and have respect for his kids?
I ask about 'stepmothers' as my kids have the one from hell and I just wondered how many others have this problem?

I'm not generalising as I know there are lots of fantastic stepmums out there, I have one myself,

Also, I know its not just some Sm's who are spiteful, I know it could include stepfather's but as this situation applies to me that's why I am talking about stepmothers.

I thought it would be best to post in this forum.

OP posts:
PJDunkin · 02/02/2011 20:22

Oh ffs, if you're referring to MJ in name changes, loads of long standing posters regularly change their names, seasonally or referring to an 'in joke' - it's not hiding... everyone knows who they are.

And I've had a look down the thread and i'd say 90% of the posters who have disagreed with what you are doing are not and have never appeared with the BoMs, they are regular posters and namechangers, as am I, and I recognise their names as such. -

they just all happen to agree that you are bleating on and if you really want help and advice about your Ex and DC then ask and you will get, don't keep raking over this shit.

Gleekfreak · 02/02/2011 20:23

SMP- I feel for you, I really do, but I think those who have suggested you get some outside help, or indeed on MN; ask a specific question that you want help or advice with-people are there for you, though can appreciate it's hard sometimes to see out of a situation when you're in it :( Please try to look after yourself and DC and forget fighting on here-I honestly don't think it's helping you. Those involved before (mj esp) have repeatedly apologised-and owned up to it, without name changing. Enough really is enough here.

singleproudmum · 02/02/2011 20:27

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PJDunkin · 02/02/2011 20:34

READ singleproudmum , READ - there's my advice, -

Read E.V.E.R.Y P.O.S.T

take it in

then

LET THIS WHOLE THING GO

As many others have said here, don't humiliate yourself any further.

Mum2harryandben · 02/02/2011 20:39

OP, The BOM's chasing you around the boards are in danger of making a laughing stock of themselves, as you are in danger of doing by the way they are acting.

JanetPlanet · 02/02/2011 20:58

This is awful! If me and DH ever split up I vow never to get involved with a man with children or have a relationship and make my ds have contact with a step dad. I'd go on dates etc but why do new partners have to be involved with the kids. Such a mine field.

Rhadegunde · 02/02/2011 21:02

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JanetPlanet · 02/02/2011 21:14

I know of quite a few women who have relationships and their kids dont know anything about it. All the fun and none of the hassle. I know of quite a few women who have partners with kids and it seems to be a nightmare at times, treading on egg shells all the time. Couldn't be arsed with it my self, if my marriage ever went tits up i'd be steering well clear of dads.

mjloveswineoclock · 02/02/2011 21:32

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fit2drop · 02/02/2011 22:02

Ok so lets get your returned bullet comments out the way.

Yes we did have similar thoughts about a thread in AIBU regarding a step-mum who had issues with her teen SS spending time with his dad (her hubby).

You got in a ruck with some one , cant remember who and said you was gonna leave.

YES I did pm you to say dont leave

you then accused me of being a hypocrite , slated me and wrongly accused me of being the author of a post which accused you of being a stalker.

I was a bit Hmm but posted to correct your mistake.

YES you did apologise when you realised your mistake.

But the last post of yours on that thread was also pretty much a generalisation that everyone in MN were bitches with no lives.
Again a Hmm from me .

Because I was /am newish I was unsure as to why people seemed to be a bit miffed with you and naively thought it was a bit OTT.
However after reading this OP I am at a loss to understand why you would bring up the subject again.

YOU REALLY DO LIKE A RUCK DONT YOU.

As you know I am a step mum, I also know that just because someone IS a step parent does not automatically make them bad.I would no more judge every step mum in the same way as the one who had probs with the teen than I would judge every teenager alongside a teen with an ASBO.

The problem is not with the label its with the person.

So before you say I was nice to you before and now I'm being mean, lets make it clear that is not my intention, I will call it as I see it no matter who the poster is , friend or not...If its in AIBU then its open for discussion , debate, applause or vilification. Makes no never mind to me.

You said:
that you know your child's SM is mean because you are still friends with your ex's family and they tell you.
WTF!!! Why why why would they tell YOU such things if not to cause trouble, If there were genuine concerns SURELY they would tell your ex.

You have no more right discussing the SM with your ex's family than they have with you.
Its unfair on the kids. They will pick up on the obvious tension and their loyalties will be so torn , That is unfair and cruel.
Suck it up and behave in a way thats better for your child even if it means being gracious about their fathers partner .

you say in your 19:21 post
I don't know how you can judge me, both of you, you don't even know me!

Ok fair comment except you are quite happy for people to judge the step mum whom
they dont know either Hmm
see now THATS hypocritical.

Some one said "You've asked for people to reinforce your opinion of stepmothers."

Aint happening chick, YOU cannot possibly ask anyone to generalise about all stepmothers like that.
Each are individuals, good bad and indifferent....OMG!! look at that, just like real mummies.

P.E.O.P.L.E. everyone an individual.

Someone else said :

Though it's not entirely clear what you are asking.

Well after the way you rehash the same old gripe, the same anger and the same old response( yep I thoroughly expect a vicious retort to my comments)
I can only assume that you want attention and rather like a naughty child you will do anything , including irking people just for the hell of it because any attention , even negative is better than NO attention.

I find this incredibly sad, surely there are enough topics or places to go where you can discuss your issues without pursuing a ruck, Maybe then you will get the response you need rather than the responses you want.

I have not "fallen out" with you SPM, but how you take this post is entirely up to you, somehow I sense you will not take it in the way it is meant, because there would be no ruck in that, would there?

singleproudmum · 02/02/2011 22:57

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TandB · 02/02/2011 23:04

This is incredibly childish and is giving a very poor impression of what goes on on the relevant boards.

Lone parents and step parents aren't a couple of teenage gangs calling each other out for venturing on to each other's "turf". They are presumably grown women who have a good deal of influence in the lives of their children and step-children.

Is this kind of hair-pulling and name-calling appropriate?

OP - let it go.

mjloveswineoclock · 02/02/2011 23:08

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mjloveswineoclock · 02/02/2011 23:10

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TandB · 02/02/2011 23:14

Then she needs to sort herself out sharpish as she is dragging both the lone parent and step parent boards around the forum as though this is some sort of teenage bitch-fest. I can't be the only one who has seen all these posts and thought "what the bloody hell goes on on those boards?"

Very unfair for regular posters on the boards, particularly the step parents who tend to take a bit of a battering every now and again.

fit2drop · 02/02/2011 23:15

SPM
I said Well after the way you rehash the same old gripe, the same anger and the same old response( yep I thoroughly expect a vicious retort to my comments

well hush thy gums and cross my palms with silver

LOOK AT ME I'M pyschicGrin

(insert DILLIGAF smiley)

spidookly · 02/02/2011 23:18

"you also have to accept they come ABOVE you in the pecking order"

Really?

I don't expect to come BELOW my children in any "pecking order".

What a weird, nasty way to think of family life.

MummieHunnie · 02/02/2011 23:24

Spidookly, Shock

You do know that you have just inflamed the situation now!

We all know that any decent father will not put his new partner above his children when they have had the trauma of a broken family!

spidookly · 02/02/2011 23:28

A "new partner" is not a stepmother.

A stepmother is a part of a family.

Families do not have pecking orders.

I don't think it is reasonable to expect anyone in a family to know they are less important than the other members.

Family conflicts should be resolved fairly and judiciously not by adhering to a hierarchy of importance.

fit2drop · 02/02/2011 23:29

actually mummiehunnie,
It was me who said that on the other thread. Not quite so starkly...and hopefully with an explanation of how and what I meant, Grin

MummieHunnie · 02/02/2011 23:32

You made it clear you were top of the pecking order Spidookly!

A child will have been in the fathers life long before a new partner was invited into his family, so his child should come first, most especially if he is not living with the child.

If this is the sort of nonsense attitude, that spm has been seeing over on the stepparents board, no wonder she was told not to go over there and no wonder she is raging, goodness knows why she goes over there to wind herself up?

I would think a lot of people have been sitting on their hands, hoping that this thread would die down and go away, I was, and you come along to inflame things, why would you do that?

MsKLo · 02/02/2011 23:36

Op

You have every right to post here on this as often as you want and need to and I hope it helps!

Yanbu at all! I only wish your poor children did not have to put up with nastiness from their your ex's partner ( I won't call her step mother as she does nit deserve that title)

spidookly · 03/02/2011 00:12

I'm not top of the pecking order. There is no pecking order in my family. Or any functional family.

By your logic a man's mother is more important than his wife or children.

If you want the thread to die, stop posting on it. I'll post where I like.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 03/02/2011 01:12

Totally agree with Spidookly.

If I go on the teenager boards and vent about my kids (I haven't....yet) I'd probably receive sympathy and support. If a SM goes on the sp boards why shouldn't she receive the same?

A bad SM wouldn't bother posting on here because she wouldn't care. A good SM will post on those boards both to vent, remember she's venting on here, not at the SC, and to ask for help, advice and support. This advice can then help her to deal with whatever problems have arisen and improve the situation for all the family which will benefit the children. So instead of slating SM's when they ask for help they should be given the support they need. If you can't give that support then stay away and leave it to those who can.

Chaotic lone parent of two teenagers who have had a SM in their lives for nine years now.

Original poster
singleproudmum · 03/02/2011 07:08

Msklo, thank for your comments!

Yes we all have every right to post WHEREVER we like on MN.
When reading about other topics on MN its amazing how many times I read some posters moaning to others that they are posting in the wrong forum etc.

So what?, they don't make the rules and if they don't like it that's their problem.

OP posts: