Stepmother jealousy

[singleproudmum]

Has anyone else had to experience their children being resented by a jealous 'stepmother'?.

Have your children been made to feel in the way by the 'sm' when visiting their dad?
AIBU to think that a person shouldn't be with a partner if they can't fully accept and have respect for his kids?
I ask about 'stepmothers' as my kids have the one from hell and I just wondered how many others have this problem?

I'm not generalising as I know there are lots of fantastic stepmums out there, I have one myself,

Also, I know its not just some Sm's who are spiteful, I know it could include stepfather's but as this situation applies to me that's why I am talking about stepmothers.

I thought it would be best to post in this forum.

It is hard enough for two biological parents to agree on how children should be brought up when they are together let alone once they have parted.

Children will have their own issues and resentments when their parents have split and no matter how unlikely their parents are to get back together can often resent the incoming step parent and the incoming step-parent has to find their own place knowing (usually) that their views will never be as important as the bio parents even when (often) the kids are coming to stay in their houses on access visits (ie when their partners move in). Add issues of Disney Dad's into the mix, bitter and resentful ex wives and individual personalities...

It's not just step-parents who can be spiteful OP, the existing parents can be spiteful to each other, the ex to the new partner, the kids to their bio parents and step-parents and playing one against the other etc etc etc - therefore I think YABU to make a generalist post about step mothers/parents, it would have been more productive to talk about your specific situation and the specific situation you have with your DC's step-mother. In most cases, IMO the truth is a version somewhere between the step-parent's, the disney parent's, the outside parent's or the skids'.

Do you know the scene in Step-Mom where the little boy says to the mum "I'll hate her if you want me to". I think that has a lot of truth to it too.

What Aussieeng said.

I haven't seen any other threads by you but I don't think anyone can say that a woman should get involved with a man who has kids if they can't accept those kids.

And women that do must be crazy because these are the step-mums that do resent the step-children, and try to limit contact between the kids and their father.

I'm a step-mum. It's most certainly a learning curve but I hope I treat him the same as my own boys, if not better.

I haven't seen any of your posts before SingleProudMum and I don't know Rhadegunde either but you don't get to post in AIBU and then tell people to go away when you disagree with them.

You have chosen to post on a very emotive topic in the section with the most traffic so you will get people disagreeing with you.

What exactly were you hoping to achieve for your children by your ever-so constructive OP?

Stayfrosty - it is difficult and imagine if every time you said anything to your child he/she could potentially take it the wrong way and then report back to someone who is preset to dislike you. It is tough but actually when we have a nice moment it can actually mean more to me then the moments with my DD because we don't have to love each other.

Sometimes I have to think about how things I say in complete jest could be misinterpreted if written down in black and white.

I do my absolute best, sometimes I am a brill stepmum and sometimes I can be snappy and irritable like we all can.

YANBU.

But it's nothing to do with being a stepmum, it's the person herself.

My stepmother who was beyond awful. She hated us (me,brother and sister). Her probelm as she hated the fact that my dad had children then same age as herself.

But she was already a selfish, selfcentred person.

Unfortunley my dad didn't realise how bad she was until he was diagnosed with a cancer. And when he was dying it my sister that was taking him to hospital, hospice and was with him when he died.

Only then did he say sorry.

But I would say on the whole that step parents try their best in a difficult situation.

I opened this thread because I thought this was going to be about a mum admitting she was jealous of her kids stepmum...should have known better

My stepchildren are 4 and 6, my DSD from the age of 2, knew exactly what to say to her mum to make her think I was a cruel resentful bitch. It got DSD loads of attention from her mum, nursery staff, social services etc. It was always obvious she was just saying things to get a reaction. Even now she still does it, although sometimes it's now aimed at her Mum, e.g. "I want to go home with StepJo" sly look at her Mum "that made you sad didn't it Mum". Luckily her Mum sees it now and we don't let her play us off

Talk to the stepmum and give her a chance. I'd say there is every chance she doesn't resent the kids, she might just find it difficult finding her place and knowing how to behave. She gives too much love she's "taking your place". She's standoffish, you worry about your kids welfare.

I don't know if you are SM bashing or not, but I find it a shame that you seemed to invite trading of stories on this.

Sheesh, yet another thread SPM? How many more? We get it, you don't like your kids Stepmum, we hear you.

Was there anything else you wanted?

Hey, it's a place to vent.
I'd agree with lizziemums comment - a bad stepmum is probably not a nice person in other ways.
As both a stepmum and a stepchild, I know it's not always easy.
I smile now at the comment 'you know what you were getting into when you hooked up with someone with kids' - as a childless woman who had not previously had a relationship with a man with kids either, I so did not.

Yes, I think I have always put the kids first, although not always enjoyed doing so.
My stepkids are fab people and have made life easy for me and I am eternally grateful to them and their parents for being normal, kind people who were not vindictive after their split.
My stepmum however...mmm. Maybe she gave me a role model to avoid!

OP - you have to hope that your situation will ease in time. Relationships can mellow.

As a pp has said there are some good stepmothers, some bad and the majority are probably somewhere in the middle.

Stepmothers are human beings, just like the rest of us, like all other human beings they are flawed, not perfect. Sometimes, like biological parents, they will get it wrong but, unless they are the nasty, wicked type, they shouldn't get flamed for this.

Btw I speak as a lone parent whose DC have a stepmum.

marking my place.

Rhaedegunde,

Are you seriously for real?

Starting thread after thread eh?

this is the second one I've started, referring to your words 'IF YOU WANT HELP OR SUPPORT FOR ACTUALLY DEALING WITH YOUR PERSONAL SITUATION, YOU WILL GET IT' thats quite unbelievable coming from you! judging by the things you have written!

Can you actually read? you don't seem to get the fact I am not screaming, I want other peoples experiences,

I think if you think about it, it is YOU who is trying to turn this into a bitchfest!

Oh dear, it's all gonna crack off again here :(

Hello MH (waves) all OK?

singleproudmum why are you doing this. You have had post after post removed in step and yet you still wont accept your attitude is inflammatory at best, you have asked for support and yet said nothing real about the situation you are in, to allow people to really help and advice you and anyone who dares disagree with you is labelled as mental. Please stop it now. I have said it before. I am sorry for what is happening to your children and to you and if I was in that position I couldnt bear it. If you genuinly feel your kids are at risk from ANYONE then please stop contact and seek an order to protect them but please, for god sake stop trying to start fights on here and get attention for your "cause". Its actually distressing and members who have been supporting other steps for years are now leaving the site because of your behaviour.

I have posts removed prettyfly because certain people had to keep running to mn.
They were NOT offensive when you put them alongside other peoples posts.

Ps. don't make out your all sweet and innocent, I had seen the BOM thread before it was deleted. Talk about bitchiness!

Mmm..it all feels a bit 'charged' round here - but as I have got experience I'll share, FWIW.

I am a stepmother and a mum to a DD who has had one stepmother (very nice) and one live-in g/f (not very nice). When DD was little and her Dad was moved in with the nasty one, it was a very trying time - but this was the first g/f after our marriage failed and DD had always been a daddy's girl. I really think this combined with the new g/f's total inexperience with children made the situation seem far worse than it actually was.

I realise I'm lucky as ex didn't stay with her long and has now been married to lovely step mum for years. However, I don't remember being as angry as you seem to be. Sad, perhaps, apprehensive, but not raging and calling her names on the internet. Perhaps staying pally with his family and getting info out of them is not the best idea? I mean, they may have their own agenda, after all.

And BTW, I've had counselling, found it enormously helpful. Suggesting it to someone else is hardly an insult.

If you say so singleproudmummy. MNHQ is well known for removing posts based on favouritism - perhaps they are victimising you too? Anyone here is welcome to look through any post I have ever put up - perhaps you would like to read my post "dear non step parents", in step parents strangely enough. It was included in talk of the day and facebook. Well known as I understand it. Hiding this thread now. You arent worth it.