To be proud of being and wife and to want to be acknowledged as such?

[WriterofDreams]

I've read quite a few posts on MN from people who are annoyed, and quite rightly so, at being called "Mrs" when they're actually a Ms or Dr or some other title. I've actually found I have the opposite problem, where companies send me correspondence with the title "Ms" even though I put Mrs on any forms or letters I send. It also quite annoys me when I introduce my DH as my husband and people persist in calling him my partner. I chose to get married and being a wife is an important part of my identity that I would like to have acknowledged. I like being "Mrs DH's name" although I do draw the line at being called "Mrs Dh's first name Dh's second name," as I haven't actually changed my first name at all.

AIBU to expect companies and professionals to use the title I've actually selected rather than the PC catch-all one?

The history of marriage is very interesting. However that doesn't make me as a modern married woman my husband's property. In fact I can't think how I could be more "liberated" - I work full time while my DH is a SAHP. And in my professional life I am not Mrs but Dr. But that doesn't alter the fact that I am happy to be Mrs XXX, because I am married.

And despite the fact that I pay the mortgage, our flat is in both our names because we are a FAMILY unit and both our contributions matter.

read the thread!

that was to usual by the way

I've read the thread ,and can see no one being bitter about not being a wife

why do you assume marriage is so desirable to all women?look if you want to marry - jolly good

but dont assume those who dont are thwarted would be wifies.is very stereotypical to assume behind unmarried woman lurks a would be wifie.if only someone woud make honest woman of her.think not

i am not defined by my relationship,i don't need approbation from marital status..nor do i need another name.i already have a name,that i obtained my achievements under and I am recognised by.

Do you think all women aspire to be wives?

I am getting married yet I totally agree with mnay of the women here who don't see the need or don't want it.

I have come to believe that a certain someone on here who is very critical is actually the very insicure one, probably miserable in her marriage and having to reassert to herself the joys and need of the marrital institution.

I very much insist on being "Mrs" and I hate hate hate being referred to as "partner"...it isn't "complete" enough for me.

I just read down a bit. Gosh I appear to be old fashioned.

I aspired to be a wife and mother, I enjoy sharing my life with my family (including my name).

Our house is in both of our names, we use "his" bank account, I take care of bills and new shoes and he touches the bins.

We're 50/50 but I don't think being married affects the jobs either of us do inside or outside of the home.

Let me have a go at explaining this in a way that I hope won't make me sound like a bitter and twisted spinster (I'm not by the way, but I'm sure some people will find ways of misinterpreting this).

Among my married/long-term cohabiting friends, there are some who have marvellous relationships. They are friends, they support each other, they have equal partnerships where they treat one another with consideration and respect. Obviously, it would be lovely to be in a relationship like that (and I realise that a lot of hard work goes into maintaining such a relationship - not taking one another for granted, continuing to communicate even when knackered out by a teething baby etc. etc). I just haven't been lucky enough to meet a man with whom I think I could have such a relationship.

I also have friends who desperately wanted to be married (mostly female). On the whole, they have paid a huge price for their married status - their careers have gone down the pan, their husbands don't do their fair share of the housework, they are taken for granted and put in second place. I would not change places with them for all the tea in China, not even when I'm trying to cope on my own with a sick child while running a temperature of 40 myself!

As for my single life, I have a delightful child, lots of friends, a job I find interesting and feel is socially useful, snatched moments of a life beyond motherhood (playing music with friends occasionally when DS is in bed).

So if I was lucky enough to have a partner of the right sort I could imagine feeling very happy, blessed and fortunate. But I would not feel proud of being a wife. Proud of working through the difficult patches in a long term relationship and emerging from the other side stronger, I can see that makes sense. But proud of the attached state as an end in itself? No, I just don't get that.

And as for titles, if I did get married, I'd keep my own name, stay Ms (or indeed Dr - and contrary to the comments up the thread, I am bloody proud of being Dr Lurcio because I worked my arse off for it). But if another woman chooses to be Mrs Husbands-name, well, that's her choice. A bit weird, but so's eating marmite and to each their own.

Anyway, thought I'd have a go at explaining that it's possible to be single and happy, yet not embittered, and at the same time admire those who make good marriages work and feel they've got something worth having. And point out that, viewed from the outside, not all marriages come across as a good place to be.

Er ... I don't see anyone being bitter about not being a wife.

Quite a lot of MNers are married and aware of the implications of using the title 'Mrs'. There was a thread in Feminism about it a while back.

In Poland they get round this Ms/Miss/Mrs issue rather neatly. Any woman past adoloscence is referred to as 'Pani'.

Now, this is often translated into English as 'Mrs', but in fact the direct translation is 'Lady' and can be applied to any woman, married, living together, divorced or anything else you can think of. The male equivalent is 'Pan', which means 'Lord'.

Polish women do take the man's family name, though, but it's feminised by adding an '-a' ending eg if a woman marries a man with the surname Sieradzki, she becomes Pani Sieradzska.

Yes not all marriages "are as good as they seem".

The idea of being a single parent doesn't really appear to be a barrel of laughs either.

While I don't accept your point, I can see it. But yes you do come across a bit bitter :o

is it so inconceivable one doesnt want be married or aspire to wifeyness

Interesting - why is being a single parent not a barrel of laughs? Yes, it can be hard work, but so is parenting in a couple. Yes, it can be financially hard - but I know some very happy and stable couples who are sadly financially worse off than me. On the whole though, like any other form of parenting, it's bloody brilliant, because having a child is bloody brilliant.

And as for being bitter - well, I kind of predicted that reponse didn't I? No matter how hard you try to be reasonable on a thread, someone's alway going to grab the wrong end of the stick and whirl it round their head. After all, it wouldn't be AIBU without that happening.

I'm not bitter that I'm not a wife. I don't WANT to be a wife! I COULD be a wife, as my partner COULD be a husband - we DON'T WANT TO!!

I do not mind being called Mrs my surname (my mum or her mother in law!), I do not mind being called Miss my name or partner's name, and he doesn't mind being mistaken for Mr my name...

OP has the right to be addressed as she chooses.

For me personally, single parenting wouldn't be a barrel of laughs. For several reasons; aside from those I'm happy to raise my son with his dad and my husband, without my husband it just wouldn't be the same.

We have some women who want to marry and be called Mrs.

We have some women who want to marry and be called Ms or Miss.

We have some women who do not want to marry and wish to be called Ms or Miss.

We are not going to persuade each other to change[30 odd pages proves that], can we not just agree to differ

Fair point Ladyofthemanor (and apologies for slightly de-railing things into single parenthood). I only have to look at my happily married friends to see that shared parenthood is great. Just wanted to point out that other sorts of families can be happy ones too.

OP, YANBU, not in the least bit. As to the others who think otherwise, remember to celebrate diversity.

ladyofthemanor let's hope you never become a single parent then- some choose singleparenthood, others have it thrust upon them
I don't like the superior tone of your post

Quick - amen to that! Everyone is free to decide what they wish to be called.

Although not sure if the courts have followed the trend. Used to be the case that whatever you called yourself in ordinary life, if you were had up before the beak, they would address you by what they decided was your formal name - so Elizabeth Taylor would be called Mrs Burton (or Mrs whatever husband she had at the time).

Dr. Lurio you don't sound bitter at all.

Just very balanced, realistic and aware of all the implications in the debate.

Mym-I like the idea of all adult woman just being 'lady'

I know of three older ladies who never married and who would never have used Ms as to them it would have seemed terribly modern and right on, but they were therefore forced to repeatedly declare their 'spinsterhood' as it was viewed by many, in all sorts of situations where it was entirely irrelevant and where they felt judged or some shame.

Those of us who choose to use Mrs, of course have the right to decide however we wish to be addressed, but should perhaps stop to consider the implications of this married status declaration for all women and make a stand for a womans marital status to be as personal and therefore as ambiguous as a mans title allows him.

Those arguing this just from the 'but I like it' viewpoint are missing the wider picture of the implications for all woman. Which of course you have the right to do.