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AIBU?

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Original poster

to feel that 12 year old DD is ruining our lives

137 replies

anastasiaviolet · 31/01/2011 21:56

..Please don't flame me for saying this, we love her dearly, but she is truly horrible at the moment.

We try so hard to be patient with her but from the moment she wakes up she is rude and unpleasant. Literally from the moment you call her to wake her up - you get "oKAAAY!" then she comes in the room with the most aggressive, sullen look on her face and if her 10 year old sister even dares to look at her she goes "WHAAATT?", if we speak to her she is rude, the car journey into school is a nightmare as she picks a fight over something whether it's the radio or she's been told she can't have something. It goes on like that all day, I pick her up from school and she will ask if we're going straight home, if I say yes she sighs and complains there's nothing to eat, then why don't we ever do anything good (we do), what's for dinner, there's nothing nice to eat (there is), she needs a new bag/shoes/PE top. Just on and on and on. DS is at nursery and we often have to leave her in the car as if she comes in to nursery to pick him up she is loudly rude to 10 year old DD and has pushed her down the nursery stairs in view of the other staff.

She asks for something new every week, is unbelievably greedy, and never satisfied. She begged us for a new phone for Xmas and is already bored of it. She is already writing a birthday list (birthday is in August). Things we've bought her for other Xmases and birthdays lie broken or abandoned. We are definitely guilty of spoiling her but that is now at an end as we see what it's done to her.

I am terrified to be honest and in tears writing this. What happened to the sweet, lovey toddler I had? She is not DH's biological daughter - her biological father was a violent abusive man who we have no contact with. I am so scared she is just like him, it seems like in a way he is living in our house through her as although she has only seen him a couple of times as a baby she acts just like him at times. I am afraid she is just a horrible person. She is poisoning the atmosphere in our house, all DS and DD hear is her shouting and rudeness.

She is even in trouble at school now, she was so good at primary school but is now coming home with punishment exercises, I feel like she is totally beyond our control.

I try to be calm and patient with her, I try to spend time with her, I don't know what to do, she is unspeakable to live with at the moment and she's only 12!!!

AIBU to feel truly desperate?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 31/01/2011 21:58

Have you considered it is hormonal? Could she be coming up to starting her periods.

The way you handle her now is going to affect your lives for the foreseeable future.

Spend time alone with her if you can find out what her problem is, she might not be a morning person.

Is she getting in with the wrong crowd? YOu are going to have to sort this and sooner rather than later or it will spiral out of control.

GypsyMoth · 31/01/2011 22:00

yanbu.....and i'm going through exactly the same thing with dd who is 14

and the thing about the ex....snap!!i'm seeing this alot with dd,which worries the life out of me

school....can they do a caf and get her some counselling through that,thats something we now have. DD has also been put on the pill to calm hormones. too early to tell id this has worked at all yet tho

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 31/01/2011 22:01

How do you respond when she is rude to you?

GypsyMoth · 31/01/2011 22:01

my dd problems started with her periods starting incidentally,tho she has always had a bit of an edge to her personality

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 31/01/2011 22:01

I think it might be called hormones. You are of course not being unreasonable - teenagers are bloody hard work, but they do come out the other side. Choose your battles carefully and ignore what you can. Don't shout (easier said than done) and ignore all complaints and shouting from her. She is testing you and pushing the boundaries. You will end up with a lovely daughter again.

BluddyMoFo · 31/01/2011 22:03

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

risingstar · 31/01/2011 22:04

she sounds like my nightmare bloody teen whos is now 13. 12 seemed to go on for 2 years.

she went from quiet, funny sweet to a child who ran away in fits of temper,screamed the f word to me and dh, got caught smoking and drinking, lied incessantly even when it was utterly obvious she was doing so.

my dh actually couldnt bear to look at pictures of her when she was younger because it broke his heart.

would recommend the book "get out of my life but first take me and alex into town."

you are not alone at all. both me and dh are happy laid back people and we have a screaming banshee of a daughter.

what worked eventually for us was being very firm, very consistent and picking our arguments carefully.

oh and this is another parenting situation where you suddenly realise that all those stroppy teens you see are not as a result of bad parenting Grin

TrappedinSuburbia · 31/01/2011 22:04

Do you punish her in anyway?
I would tell her to forget about making a list for her birthday if she can't look after the things she's got.
I would start withdrawing things like tv, phone, internet as well.
She could earn them back by not only behaving but by doing chores.
No idea if this would work on your dd or make her worse tbh, don't know what else to suggest!

bubblewrapped · 31/01/2011 22:05

hormonal I would say..

this is almost identical to the thread about the 11 yr old last week too.. its definately an age thing and is very common for girls who are hitting puberty..

I was hell to my mother :(

LB29 · 31/01/2011 22:07

I was like this as a teenager but all i really wanted was my mum. I had material things but as I wwas the eldest of 4 and my mum was a childminder I felt pushed out. I was violent towards my sisters as I was jealous.
My mum left me to it. Told me she hated me and threatened to kick me out. Spend sometime alone with her and explain to her how you are feeling.

Schnullerbacke · 31/01/2011 22:09

I do not have a teenage daughter but really feel for her. I agree with Fabby that its probably hormonal, not that it will make you feel better.

I guess you will have to figure out, where sanctions will hurt her most, yet how you can also keep communication channels open. Maybe you and her could have a weekly date, just the two of you. Maybe you can explain how her behaviour is hurting you and that you will no longer put up with it. Talk about what bothers you most and draw up some rules. Keep it simple though.

As for being materialistic, set an example. Why dont you as a whole family have a clear out, what to keep and what to give away to charity. Then only buy things if they are really necessary and save the money for something else instead ie family trips. If she doesn't like whats on offer, guess she doesn't have to come along.

I'm trying to think back to my teenage years, spend so much time arguing with Mum, forgot what I was like. The only thing I do remember that whatever she said a million times, eventually sunk in....

I feel for you. Deep breath!

Original poster
anastasiaviolet · 31/01/2011 22:09

thanks all.

yes she started her periods about a year ago. Maybe the pill is the answer, it might calm her down a bit.

It's very hard when she is rude and says things to me like "Don't you DARE speak to me like that" (yes, really), I start off calmly but after a few minutes of her making faces and rolling her eyes and doing smug, bored smiles (usually in the car) I generally lose my temper and tell her to get to her room as soon as we get in, she yawns and says she doesn't care, then when we get in she'll deliberately bash her way past all of us and go up to her room loudly singing then keep coming down. I run out of punishments and threats, it so often ends up with me in tears. She is a nightmare.I am afraid she won't come out the other side but will just get more and more horrible.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 31/01/2011 22:11

This reply has been deleted

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GypsyMoth · 31/01/2011 22:11

my dd was violent to her sister last week.....her violence has been increasing since xmas.....i called police for advice and they came out and arrested her. she spent the night in the cells and they told her her dream career (police force) was hanging by a thread. luckily,she wasnt charged.she's upped her game a bit now and i'm seeing glimpses of my lovely daughter again.....sometimes you need to reach rock bottom i think,and she does too.

slightlymad72 · 31/01/2011 22:12

Def hormonal, pick your arguments, she will always make sure she gets the last word. Be consistent and DON'T let her see any weaknesses. Make rules and boundaries and stick to them, the easy option is NOT the easy option in the long run

Teenagers brains start doing weird and wonderful things that send them stupid, its very similar to what happens to toddlers (remember the terrible 2s), the changes are very much emotional based, so you get shouty angry aliens that invade your home for a few years. They do come out of it.

GypsyMoth · 31/01/2011 22:14

op,whats been happening in school??

bubblewrapped · 31/01/2011 22:15

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Original poster
anastasiaviolet · 31/01/2011 22:15

She is cheeky and disruptive in class, though at the same time she is quite intelligent and does well in tests and stuff - her teachers have been giving her punishment exercises though she claims they are all lying. She has to tell me about them as I have to sign them.

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 31/01/2011 22:15

You need to have a meeting with her teacher asap. There may be problems at school such as bullying that you don't know about.

Also, you need to decide what the rules are, and stick to them. There have to be consequences for her behaviour. Why has she still got her phone? Who puts money on the phone?

maryz · 31/01/2011 22:17

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 31/01/2011 22:18

You need to rise above it.

Going to her room is not punishment she would probably love to spend all night in her room.

Sending her to her room with her phone and a laptop is a luxury.

You need to remove those luxuries until she learns to talk to you with some respect. Children should not answer back - golden rule albeit an old one.

If she cannot give you a reasoned argument like an intelligent human being you waste your breath.

Whilst she gets your goat she knows she is winning.

parakeet · 31/01/2011 22:19

I agree with the many people who have said pick your battles. Surely eye-rolling and smug smiling etc. is something that can be ignored?

rubyrubyruby · 31/01/2011 22:19

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atswimtwolengths · 31/01/2011 22:20

Isn't it a shame that boarding schools aren't cheaper? They would be wonderful for (legally) separating parents and children. I used to be really against them when my children were toddlers, but once my daughter hit 11, I suddenly saw the advantages. Thinking back, I would have loved to have gone to boarding school (though may not have liked it when I was there.)

I really feel for you. My daughter hated her body when she was 13 and I bought a treadmill - it was really great for her. She'd run on it for an hour or 90 minutes every night and it would really get rid of any bad feelings she had.

hairyfairylights · 31/01/2011 22:20

This sounds like fairy normal hormonal teenage behaviour to me.

It's very difficult for parents though.

Have you read anything on the topic? There are a lot of great books available that explain what's going on and how best to handle it. I found it really really useful with my dsd.

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