to feel that 12 year old DD is ruining our lives

[anastasiaviolet]

..Please don't flame me for saying this, we love her dearly, but she is truly horrible at the moment.

We try so hard to be patient with her but from the moment she wakes up she is rude and unpleasant. Literally from the moment you call her to wake her up - you get "oKAAAY!" then she comes in the room with the most aggressive, sullen look on her face and if her 10 year old sister even dares to look at her she goes "WHAAATT?", if we speak to her she is rude, the car journey into school is a nightmare as she picks a fight over something whether it's the radio or she's been told she can't have something. It goes on like that all day, I pick her up from school and she will ask if we're going straight home, if I say yes she sighs and complains there's nothing to eat, then why don't we ever do anything good (we do), what's for dinner, there's nothing nice to eat (there is), she needs a new bag/shoes/PE top. Just on and on and on. DS is at nursery and we often have to leave her in the car as if she comes in to nursery to pick him up she is loudly rude to 10 year old DD and has pushed her down the nursery stairs in view of the other staff.

She asks for something new every week, is unbelievably greedy, and never satisfied. She begged us for a new phone for Xmas and is already bored of it. She is already writing a birthday list (birthday is in August). Things we've bought her for other Xmases and birthdays lie broken or abandoned. We are definitely guilty of spoiling her but that is now at an end as we see what it's done to her.

I am terrified to be honest and in tears writing this. What happened to the sweet, lovey toddler I had? She is not DH's biological daughter - her biological father was a violent abusive man who we have no contact with. I am so scared she is just like him, it seems like in a way he is living in our house through her as although she has only seen him a couple of times as a baby she acts just like him at times. I am afraid she is just a horrible person. She is poisoning the atmosphere in our house, all DS and DD hear is her shouting and rudeness.

She is even in trouble at school now, she was so good at primary school but is now coming home with punishment exercises, I feel like she is totally beyond our control.

I try to be calm and patient with her, I try to spend time with her, I don't know what to do, she is unspeakable to live with at the moment and she's only 12!!!

AIBU to feel truly desperate?

I know, ruby, but talk about going about it the wrong way!

Just as it's difficult for us to see our little darlings transformed into monsters, it must be very difficult for them, too. They have all these feelings and anger and frustration and can't identify what's causing them or how to resolve them.

Feeling that angry is an awful feeling - I was like that after my son was born and it was definitely hormonal. If she's like that, maybe you should take her to the doctor.

Does she do any exercise - running, swimming? It really does make a huge difference to mood.

What a nightmare! Have no experience of this but I would say that whatever punishments you threaten her with must be carried through or she'll never take you seriously.

I would also be tempted to not even let her out of her room or mix with any other member of the family/have dinner/take part in any sort of treat until she learns to do so politely (of course make sure there is no telly/computer in her room otherwise she'll quite like it!).

atswimtwolengths please don't think that about boarding school. I was a dreadful pre-teen/teen and was shipped off to boarding school. It felt like the ultimate rejection by my parents and it is an ongoing process getting over it.
OP, one to one time is definitely a good idea if possible. Maybe an class together like yoga? Good luck

YANBU

This is pretty typical behaviour for a teenager, but it ain't nice.

With support she will grow out of it. In the meantime, whilst it is difficult/impossible to control her behaviour, you can control your response. When she's nice, let this bouy your spirits. When she's not, don't let her bring you down.

Yanbu but..- haven't read whole thread and no teen experience, but - from what I understand it is psychologically pretty healthy for teens to act this way (and psychologically normal for their parents to despair) - protest, complain, differentiate themselves from you. If you stick to your guns and hold the boundaries and she still feels loved despite her behaviour she gets to work out who she is and grow up from there. But I will be pulling my hair out in your position in a few years time with two teen girls...

I agree YANBU, but I also think it is pretty normal pre/early teen behaviour and the fact her bio Dad was like he was is giving you cause for extra worry.

My previously wonderful and delightful son turned into some sort of monster aged around 12. Answering back, being awful to his younger brother/s, including some fairly minor physical incidents. I am quite strict but none of the 'usual' punishments seemed to work or bother him at all. He's nearly 15 now and thankfully is pretty much back to the wonderful boy I know, although we have the occasional bouts of stroppiness or answering back, but he is much more pleasant to have about these days.

I think people are right when they say choose your battles and ride it out.

Just from a slightly different perspective...
I am wondering how long you have felt OR been afraid you would feel:

I am so scared she is just like him, it seems like in a way he is living in our house through her as although she has only seen him a couple of times as a baby she acts just like him at times

I'm really concerned you're thinking like this. It sounds like at whatever age (8,9,10,11,12,13) she'd have behaved poorly for any period, she would have been at risk of being seen in this light.

It's potentially a huge burden.
She may sense it.
Maybe she's just being an arsey teenager.

Does she know about her biological dad ?
How does your DH see things ?

Ive had my 14 year old dds phone and laptop more than she has:o.When i get attitude I take em away,every time.I have unplugged and hidden the broadband modem before going to bed to stop her just using 1 of her brothers laptops,I have even unplugged the cable where it comes into the house to stop X box use and tv :o.She is finally getting the message and i rarely get any of her crap now.She used to get heat from her brothers too cos when I have modem or cable splitters then they cant do anything either,not fair on them I know but extra pressure on her.
Id say it took about a year before she shaped up,so hang on in there.
Oh I used to ground her too,after school only for minor ish offenses and weekends aswell for major ones.I basically made her life more miserable than she was making mine :o

My mum always says I was awful. My recollection of that time was that she was the one being unreasonable

I happened to catch a Sally Jessy Rafael episode the other week- "my teen is out of control". They had 3x 14 yos who were out drinking and sleeping around and they all had a real attitude problem. But as they were talking you could see that all they desperately wanted was attention- from their mum- the person they professed to hate. It actually made me cry, I felt so sorry for them.

At 12 I started really withdrawing from my mum, and refused to hug her, because the girls at school said that if you hugged your mum you were a lesbian :(

Just a thought.

I have no advice on this but was very intrested in reading the thread as want to know what to do with my DD's when they grow up.

I'm sorry you are in such difficult situation- hope things improve soon before you loose heart.

I cringe now when I think of how I was to my parents as a teen. Went out drinking/clubbing etc. But I had a career goal and knew that I had to work at school for that. Does your dd have a goal that you can work towards together?

I know that it's really hard but pick your battles. I was older but was very thankful that i had an agreement with my mom that no matter whether they agreed with it or not I would always tell them where I was even if it was at a club. It was a way of building trust and i knew she loved me no matter what.

BTW me and my parents have a fab relationship now. Proper friends now.

It sounds as if she has learnt how to manipulate you and press your buttons (smug smiling etc).
All teens go through a bit of a door slammy-"its sooooo unfair" stage but learn to get over themselves PDQ!
She is being vile -to you and her siblings and-- getting away with it!

I would stop nagging her to get up -set her alarm and let her get on with it -shes late -tough!
Texting is also useful -"its their language" and also removes the confrontation etc

It sound as if you are all walking on eggshells around her -ignore the crappy remarks,eyerolling etc and simply remove her priveleges -phone,internet etc until she learns to treat you ALL with respect.

Sorry to say this but this means you must all treat her with respect also

Maryz and Cumfy have said some v sensible things. My parents were divorced and I was a very unstable and insecure 12 year old, desperate for unconditional love and often blamed for being boring and miserable just like my dad.

Now have a 12 year old dd and to be fair she was very emotional and irrational at 9 to 10 but started her periods at 10 and a half. Things calmed down after that although we celebrated them and she had her ears pierced (one battle less). Try to treat her mostly as though she's quite grown up (taken her to Black Swan and lied about her age. On the otherhand we also have a mum and daughter fest once a week when she comes and cuddles in the big bed and we read and giggle together - easier for us as DH works away Monday to Friday but nevertheless it's a time when she's allowed still to be little in a funny grown up way.

DS is now 16 and have to say 13 - 14 was pretty vile but the lovely, kind, open toddler is coming back in a lovely blokey, mature way.

Mine was simelar from about 11 to 14. At 14 we are seeing a big improvement thank goodness, she has just grown up and is more considerate etc and doing well at school. I read 11-14 is hardest age in girls. I think the outside world can be so confusing they take it out at home where they feel safe. Hang in there, it will get better.

You poor thing. I've been there, with my DD (who has a perfectly nice man as a father). She was absolutely fucking awful at 12, and 13, and 14. Then she started to come out of it and (despite the fact we're currently not talking ) we now have a good, close relationship.

And I hear it so often - the hormones, the pushing boundaries, the stress of being a 12 year old girl (and it is a stress, it really is), the inability to control their moods. Try to spend some quality time with her, on her own, pick your battles, count to ten a lot, ride it out. It will get better.

anastasiaviolet I am in a similar situation, my daughter is 14 and we struggle with her

had a meeting this morning and are now being referred to some sort of counselling

I spent nearly the whole of the meeting today so angry and frustrated and in tears

I think what I find hard is that I wasn't a nightmare teen (have checked with my mum!) so can't look back on that

Dd has been much better since going on the pill, she is 14.
I am very zero tolerant on stroppy attitude and tantrums and will take her laptop away for it!

Alot of people are excusing this disgraceful and disrespectful behaviour as hormonal...

There is NO excuse for behaving that way hormones or not.

Half of the problem seems to be that she's been spoiled rotten so she knows the value of nothing as she just wants more.

She needs some good old fashioned discipline and to be taught that there will be consequences if she behaves this way.

For example, if she complains about the food, pick up her plate and throw every last bit of it in the bin and give her nothing else to eat. She'll soon learn!

As for her constant cheek, ignore her. She'll get very very bored of arguing with herself when she gets nothing back.

My daughter once threw her own tea in the bin in Dec in defiance! Gobsmacked!!

We do now know she gets bad PMT after she has only had 3 periods! So she is now taking oil of evening primrose and vitamins to try and help, and I have told her to be more aware of her attitude when she is due on

It's hormones...she will start being pleasant again when she is 19!!

Honestly I was a complete bitch for many years from age 12 to my poor parents.

But I would think very carefully about putting her on the pill. It can have some hideous side effects...and putting fake hormones inside her is not something you want to do lightly.

A1980 - I did before the menopause but by the time I hit my late teens I had learnt how to deal with it. The lass in question sounds, insecure, will be dealing with secondary, and dealing with hormonal changes. Feel with a 16 and 12 year old we are starting to come through the other side and dealing with the 12 yr dd has been easier because I practiced on the adolescent ds first.

OP - you have my sympathies - these are tough times and need tough boundaries and undiluted unconditional confidence building love.

There is a book called 'Divas and Doorslammers' about young teenagers and their behaviour. If I remember rightly, the author says that a young teenager's brain is going through a lot of changes at that age, and this is partly responsible for their behaviour - they literally don't have any empathy because their brains can't do it - but it can and does come back.

He gives practical techniques for dealing with teenagers, and I have heard good things about what he suggests.

I have the book (but have not read it yet) because of the stress that ds3 was causing - he plays with matches, has called me a fat bitch who no-one loves, is rude, careless of his belongings and aggressive in his tone and behaviour with the rest of the family. However, he is moving out of this phase, so there is hope, OP.

But the OP says:

"She asks for something new every week, is unbelievably greedy, and never satisfied. She begged us for a new phone for Xmas and is already bored of it. She is already writing a birthday list (birthday is in August). Things we've bought her for other Xmases and birthdays lie broken or abandoned."

Granted hormonal problems make you moody but do hormonal problems cause you to demand your parents buy you things constantly and sulk when you don't get them.

Much more than PMT going on here IMO. She has been far too spoiled for her own good. Part of the problem is she knows she gets away with it and gets what she wants.