to feel that 12 year old DD is ruining our lives

[anastasiaviolet]

..Please don't flame me for saying this, we love her dearly, but she is truly horrible at the moment.

We try so hard to be patient with her but from the moment she wakes up she is rude and unpleasant. Literally from the moment you call her to wake her up - you get "oKAAAY!" then she comes in the room with the most aggressive, sullen look on her face and if her 10 year old sister even dares to look at her she goes "WHAAATT?", if we speak to her she is rude, the car journey into school is a nightmare as she picks a fight over something whether it's the radio or she's been told she can't have something. It goes on like that all day, I pick her up from school and she will ask if we're going straight home, if I say yes she sighs and complains there's nothing to eat, then why don't we ever do anything good (we do), what's for dinner, there's nothing nice to eat (there is), she needs a new bag/shoes/PE top. Just on and on and on. DS is at nursery and we often have to leave her in the car as if she comes in to nursery to pick him up she is loudly rude to 10 year old DD and has pushed her down the nursery stairs in view of the other staff.

She asks for something new every week, is unbelievably greedy, and never satisfied. She begged us for a new phone for Xmas and is already bored of it. She is already writing a birthday list (birthday is in August). Things we've bought her for other Xmases and birthdays lie broken or abandoned. We are definitely guilty of spoiling her but that is now at an end as we see what it's done to her.

I am terrified to be honest and in tears writing this. What happened to the sweet, lovey toddler I had? She is not DH's biological daughter - her biological father was a violent abusive man who we have no contact with. I am so scared she is just like him, it seems like in a way he is living in our house through her as although she has only seen him a couple of times as a baby she acts just like him at times. I am afraid she is just a horrible person. She is poisoning the atmosphere in our house, all DS and DD hear is her shouting and rudeness.

She is even in trouble at school now, she was so good at primary school but is now coming home with punishment exercises, I feel like she is totally beyond our control.

I try to be calm and patient with her, I try to spend time with her, I don't know what to do, she is unspeakable to live with at the moment and she's only 12!!!

AIBU to feel truly desperate?

Don’t take this sort of behaviour. You are her mother - you better start parenting. You’re not here to be her best friend.

As for those excusing this sort of behaviour? No wonder the younger generation are unable to cope with anything nowadays - If their parents haven’t disciplined them and taught them that there are consequences when you misbehave! As adults how are they expected to behave when disciplined at work?!

Get a grip OP. You are the parent. There have got to be punishments for bad behaviour.

I have a moody 11 year old DS. He gets leary and I actually showed him footage of Kevin from Harry Enfield and humoured his behaviour! Embarrassed him. He bangs doors and shouts. He is punished. You know what? He soon calms down and realises he has been behaving badly and apologises. He certainly wouldnt be making a birthday list if his behaviour had worsened!!! There are bad days. Of course. All children have bad days but it seems as though you are letting this child run riot and get away with it. Time to toughen up and sort her out. For the sake of all of you - not least her!!! Part of this is hormonal but my god you let her get away with it all and she’ll be a spoilt bratty adult. We all know a few of those!!! Good luck. You can do it!!!!!

My dd age 12 was similar but not to this degree. I was constantly losing my temper until I remembered that this was the dynamic between my dm and me at that age, even without a pandemic and being isolated from my friends thrown into the mix. I constantly felt unloved and unwanted, even though with hindsight I wasn’t, and I didn’t want that for dd.

Now I bite my tongue always. I know it is just the hormones and this will pass. I make sure to spend lots of quality time with her and give her lots of cuddles when she allows and really try to make her feel loved. It has been a game changer and we have seen a massive improvement. This has been a tough year for kids and your dd has been through a lot even prior to this. She may be challenging but she is your dd and she needs you. If she is constantly being sent to her room she must feel so isolated and excluded from the family. No wonder she is lashing out. I also think that on some level she may be aware of the feelings you have that she is like her father and I think that is very unfair to her. Please try to remember that she is only a child.

Guys the OP's DD is 21 now.

Sounds very very hard but please be careful of letting your understandable dislike and fear of her father affect how you treat her. They are not the same person and this can really screw up a relationship.

Pick your battles, be consistent, have time alone with her, admit what you got wrong. Have a safe friend that you can be honest to about struggling.

Oops!

Hormones. Really, my lovely daughter who would smile and skip everywhere and was sweet and polite turned into someone unrecognisable with hormones.
But I think your past experience with your ex is cloudying things for you.
My strong advice is find a good parenting coach or family counsellor. I speak to one regularly to help advise me how to handle certain behaviours to not only improve them but make sure things don't esculate. If you are this upset (and I get it - my daughter's behaviour really impacted our marriage hence the parental guidance) this will only get worse so nip it in the bud.

Teenagers think they’re better than anyone else. You need to slowly show her that this isn’t the case and if she continues she’ll end up with nobody.

Give her money to get the bus to school if she’s going to be rude.
Stop doing things for her if she’s going to disrespect you.
Make her aware that just because she feels a certain way it’s not ok to treat you like this.
Make her work for the WiFi password

Reactivated zombie thread from 10 years ago!!! Hopefully the appalling child is long past this and is now a normal human.

@jimmyhill hahahaha! Oh dear!!!!!! Well if she’d like to come back and tell us how it all went???

Oh shit, I didn’t notice @murbblurb

I have no daughters myself but have taught many a teenage girl.
Probably wrong but what also stands out to me that you go on to say you have to leave her in the car when you pick DS up from nursery? There is nothing unusual about leaving a 12 year old alone in the car? I am assuming she does not want to be dragged in to collect her brother anyway.
Is there any reason she is not making her way home from school on her own with her friends?

Please research the side effects of the pill, 12 is much too young for it and unless you have to take it for contraception I would stay off as long as possible. I got my teens some vitamins that have evening primrose ect and really recommend them.
I was just like your dd at that age - it sounds hormonal and she may have buried issues about her father - does she seem him or have any contact?
Echo a previous poster who said have a fun weekly date with her and maybe also look into counselling to address the issues around her father. Don’t be too hard on her, being 12 isn’t much fun!

Lol, just seen this is a zombie thread!!!! I wonder how the OP’s dd is now

I have few suggestions. But. I could have posted this, although mine just had a at and is 13. Her older sister wasn't As bad but she did improve during her 13th year. She's mean to her younger brother and he will clamp his hands over his ears as soon as I say no to her.

Mine has had some relaxation and anger management courses, to very little effect. Lockdown made it all worse too.

I m really hoping she grows up quickly. Her immaturity and aggression really get us all down. Strength to you x

(Also issues with exH and his rejection of her). Wow. Your experiences are so similar. I'm about to go back to the Dr again over the latest not very effective course for handling emotions and look for counselling or CBT

This sounds awful and to be honest if you don't address this you are creating a monster for other people to deal with. You are the parent. You need to take responsibility and ownership, and I mean you need to become strict and lay down boundaries in respect to appropriate attitudes and behaviour at home. If you can't cope maybe seek professional help? Child behavioural experts? I think that if you don't nip this in the bud it will just get worse. I mean she is a child, what damage can she do at the moment?

Is there any reason she is not making her way home from school on her own with her friends?

Yes. She's 22

It could be hormones BUT you should not excuse her due to that. Plenty of pre teens don't behave like little shits and the ones that are usually the worst are the ones who are given the leeway because they are hormonal.
Tackle her behaviour head on. As pp said she becomes someone else's problem if she carries on like this.
Maybe have a sit down chat with her about what's acceptable going forward, and consequences for her behaviour.
Have you spoken to school to check if there isn't anything going on there?

Put her on the pill?

She sounds not just spoilt but completely overindulged to the point of being a “little madam”

Also OP sounds very permissive & perhaps a soft spoken person & the daughter is walking all over her.

She sounds like she could do with going on some Duke of Edinborough type survivalist course

To be creating your birthday list so early & assuming none of her behaviour will affect the outcome of receiving that list is pretty telling

Don’t most parents warn bad behaviour will result in a loss of presents at birthday / Xmas times?

Have you spoken to school to check if there isn't anything going on there?

Can she borrow your time machine phone?

She sounds like she could do with going on some Duke of Edinborough type survivalist course

Isn't she a bit old at 22?

ZOMBIE THREAD!!

It sounds like you given in to her demands, time for some boundaries. I wonder if your softer with her than her siblings? My eldest isnt my DH and it can create a different dynamic and DC can try and exploit it too. You and your DH need to agree a plan on how to manage her going forward, you need to be aligned and she needs to see there are consequences to her actions

sadie9 ....aagh I hadnt spotted that

Hopefully someone will come along who is an expert in the children of abused women; it’s probably quite a common issue. I think problems often rear their heads later in children who had difficult early starts (not your fault at all, but because of the abuse).

Annaliesa Barbieri writes an excellent advice column in The Guardian on this sort of thing. If you don’t want to write in then look at her old articles and you’ll find similar family situations- she always drafts in a proper expert like a family psychotherapist so gives great advice.

I’d ask for help from anyone who’ll listen: ask for a meeting with whoever runs pastoral care at her school and inform Head of Year and class teacher that you need help. Ask your GP if they can do a referral for family counselling. Call Relate and ask if they can counsel you all- or just you if she refuses to attend. I’d also contact social services asking for help, and CAMHS to get her assessed.

Stop buying her all and sundry, it’ll make her worse. Ask her to do a task at home each day, and ask your 10 year old as well so it seems fair eg bringing clothes downstairs or laying the table for dinner. If she doesn’t help then no pocket money or treats.

She can’t be allowed to bully and abuse your other children. They deserve to be safe in their own home, and abuse needs nipping in the bud before she becomes an abusive adult herself.

Please don’t throw her out or anything drastic at 16 etc. She’ll be incredibly vulnerable and preyed on. I hope you get help and advice- try everything that’s suggested.

Is there anyone who can stay for a few nights (when it’s allowed again) to give you respite?

She seems very angry. Have you asked her if anything bad is happening to her or there’s anything she wants to disclose?

I disagree that it’s normal hormonal stuff; it may be, but it sounds a bit more extreme if she’s acting up at school too. Maybe she feels pushed out by your younger DC. Can she get some 1 on 1 time with just you once a week to go for a walk and a chat?

Good luck OP.