to feel that 12 year old DD is ruining our lives

[anastasiaviolet]

..Please don't flame me for saying this, we love her dearly, but she is truly horrible at the moment.

We try so hard to be patient with her but from the moment she wakes up she is rude and unpleasant. Literally from the moment you call her to wake her up - you get "oKAAAY!" then she comes in the room with the most aggressive, sullen look on her face and if her 10 year old sister even dares to look at her she goes "WHAAATT?", if we speak to her she is rude, the car journey into school is a nightmare as she picks a fight over something whether it's the radio or she's been told she can't have something. It goes on like that all day, I pick her up from school and she will ask if we're going straight home, if I say yes she sighs and complains there's nothing to eat, then why don't we ever do anything good (we do), what's for dinner, there's nothing nice to eat (there is), she needs a new bag/shoes/PE top. Just on and on and on. DS is at nursery and we often have to leave her in the car as if she comes in to nursery to pick him up she is loudly rude to 10 year old DD and has pushed her down the nursery stairs in view of the other staff.

She asks for something new every week, is unbelievably greedy, and never satisfied. She begged us for a new phone for Xmas and is already bored of it. She is already writing a birthday list (birthday is in August). Things we've bought her for other Xmases and birthdays lie broken or abandoned. We are definitely guilty of spoiling her but that is now at an end as we see what it's done to her.

I am terrified to be honest and in tears writing this. What happened to the sweet, lovey toddler I had? She is not DH's biological daughter - her biological father was a violent abusive man who we have no contact with. I am so scared she is just like him, it seems like in a way he is living in our house through her as although she has only seen him a couple of times as a baby she acts just like him at times. I am afraid she is just a horrible person. She is poisoning the atmosphere in our house, all DS and DD hear is her shouting and rudeness.

She is even in trouble at school now, she was so good at primary school but is now coming home with punishment exercises, I feel like she is totally beyond our control.

I try to be calm and patient with her, I try to spend time with her, I don't know what to do, she is unspeakable to live with at the moment and she's only 12!!!

AIBU to feel truly desperate?

There are some good self help books out there. Can I remind you of the MN Book Review for parenting If you ring your local library they will normally be able to reserve books (small fee) if they have it on the system.

Other than that most things have been said.

Also have some one on one time, maybe go out to see a film. No agenda. Just no other diversions.

And I should say that we have never let ds3 get away with any of his bad behaviour - there are consequences like losing his ipod, being grounded, having to write lines, and I have told him the next time he plays with matches, I will be marching him off for a word with the local fire prevention officer at the fire station.

He's also stolen money from dh and from me (which he has eventually owned up to, returned, and been punished for) and knows if he does it again, I will be ringing the police so they can read him the riot act.

I also said these are tough times which need tough boundaries. I was trying to say don't underestimate the confusion and insecurity going on.

I could have written that post - wonders if you are me! some slight differences, but so very similar.

My friends and i used to joke that when our kids reach about 12 they are kidnapped by aliens and replaced with a vile doppelganger. But don't worry, the nice one comes back, usually about age 18.

Seriously though, what i am trying to say is, don't beat yourself up you aren't a bad parent, its just typical teenage behaviour ime. Doesn't mean its acceptable and i have to admit i never handled it well as DD used to press my buttons so easily - so i can't advise you as to what to do. Its so frustrating, my DD used to come home from school, disappear off into her bedroom and that would be it, we wouldnt see her for the rest of the evening, apart from to eat.

Maybe talk to the school and make sure nothing going on, does she have a group of friends etc? Could be the dawning of her periods too as others have suggested.

Under that sullen, resentful and hardnut front, there is still your little girl who loves you dearly.

I was the one who wrote the thread the other day about my 11 year old dd.

Our daughters sound like twins. I'm experiencing everything you're going through. Everything.

I'm finding this book very, very helpful.

here

Chin up!

I think it's unfair to describe the OP's daughter as spoiled. The girl might well ask for something every week but it doesnt mean she gets it...the OP didn't say. Also getting a phone for Xmas and having birthday and Xmas presents is pretty normal isn;t it?

I see the argument "they are spoiled" a lot on MN - but surely a child can be given nice things from time to time and be bought something they want without negative consequences.

Sorry off topic a bit but I think it's quite an unhelpful thing to say. What should the OP do? Burn all her daughter's possessions and refuse to buy her anymore Xmas or birthday presents ever.

Staying........ That's interesting, about the brain, empathy etc.

My dd is unrecognisable. Totally. But she loves her friends mums and posts about her second mums on fb. It's all 'luv you my other mum' it's rubbish! Hurts too, cos she says she hates me. But these other mums she adores all buy cigarettes for the kids, have all nighters where nobody sleeps, underage sex and no boundaries whatsoever. Whereas I obviously do have boundaries!!! She loves being with these new 'mums'.........I honestly don't know if I can ever regain any respect back for her. How can I have a future relationship with her, she has really hurt me.

She comes back for food or tries to ask for money, oh, and for clean clothes. I have no washing Mach just now so using launderette in next village. But it's like I'm a hotel. She doesn't care about my feelings, just says 'sorry' when she wants something.

Please don't put your 12 year old on the Pill. Just seems like an easy option to pop a pill and think everything will be OK. The long term effects could be substantial given her age (unless she is sexually active already and then that's different).

May be telling you how to suck eggs but have you tried sitting down, just the two of you and actually confronting her behaviour and drawing up some rules and consequences. In business, the more the employee is involved in decision making the more motivated they are. It is very easy to get into a pattern of being pissed off with her because of her behaviour and then not talk or involve her. She is telling you what is wrong - we don't do anything - get her to expand and understand what she means before dismissing her.

Also, whatever you decide to do has to be followed through with and kept up for months to see any improvement.

I was this child. Don't think about the exP because my Dad was present and non-violent and I was a NIGHTMARE. I am now older, love my Mum and we get on well and she has just been given her first GC. It will change, just keep a good and kind heart.

I was a bit at the suggestion to put her on the pill just for difficult behaviour. Would you give a teenage boy hormone pills for behaving like a fairly normal teenager? Or is it just girls who get medicated for not acting like perfect little ladies (seriously what century are we living in?)

I'm not against the Pill in general, even for young girls it can be a fantastic thing if they suffer from very painful/heavy periods (I wish I'd had it at that age!) or other symptoms associated with the cycle. Not as a punishment/cure for being 'sullen' and asking for too many presents though...

I lovetiffany, this is very typical that teenagers think that their friends have really cool parents and their own parents are demons. BUT why do you allow your child to go to these houses if she is buying cigarettes, having all nighters and allowing underage sex to happen?? I dread to think what else is going on.

You need to put your foot down over that, yep, she'll hate you even more but do you really want her in that environment. You WILL be able to have a future relationship with her because when she grows out of this phase she will realise that you care about her whilst these other parents obviously coudlnt give a flying fuck about their own children.

Oh believe me, I don't allow her there!! But in her words, I can't physically stop her. And how DO you prevent it!? Can't physically restrain her.

Nature or nurture, what is the answer? I put it down to straight forward hormones. She is turning into a young woman. Like someone said earlier pick your moments to pick her up on something and be prepared to listen when she wants to talk to you. Be there after school, if you can because she may be having problems with friends etc. Be patient, grow a thick skin, she will come back to you.

ILoveTIFFANY, i know i KNOW!! I've been there and have the T-shirt, trouble is, i still don't have the answers. :( I didnt mean my post to sound judgemental and i feel bad now because my DD1 did pretty much exactly that. But, BUT she did settle down and now she is 20 and i am on her case to get out and enjoy herself more. She lives with her BF and has done for 3 years now (that was quite difficult for me at first) but he is lovely and very sensible, TOO sensible lol but i say a little prayer to God every day thanking him for him, because he is a great influence on my wayward DD.

Your DD doesn't hate you, you are the one she can get away with talking to like that. My relationship with DD is still volatile because we are more or less clones of each other and sometimes i think fuck me, why does she talk to me like that when she talks to everyone else in such a polite way that they think the sun shines out of her arse.

My dn, Elle, was known as Bloody Elle during her teens, she was awful & car journeys with her were termed going to elle and back. If she was rude in the car BIL used to slam on the brakes. SIL did make her take Evening Primrose Oil & Vit B supplements which dn swears by even now, spent more time with her & signed her up to her gym although dn didn't stick with it but does rock-climbing & an am dram thing. Am dreading the teen years with mine...wonder if Xenia will sell me her island?

I made that sound like a quick fix & it certainly wasn't.

Softglow....... it helps to know that they come out the other side! I see glimpses of the former lovely daughter, but to be honest, I don't know if I could ever feel same way about her again after all this. I really don't. And it's impacting massively on the 4 other children in this house too. Massively. How on earth do I combat that?

I think that the way we feel about our children DOES change as they grow older. They change from this little vulnerable cherub into a wide eyed child who looks to us for everything, we feel protective and nurturing and just want to ball them up and cuddle them. As they grow they get independence and they are pushing bounderies, they start where its safe, with their parents - i defy anyone to feel the same way about a teenager as they do a five year old. You do your best, they talk to you like they loathe you, you are trying to keep them safe but they see it that you are clipping their wings. My DD was an only child until DD2 came along when she was 15 so had massive jealousy issues too, but i used to say to her, "do you want to sit on mummy's lap and have bitty then" to the response "errrr mum, you are soooo disgusting" stomp bang slam.

Its different, it just is. I sort of look at my DD1 now when she is being willful and pushy and think, yup, thats my girl - and i feel dead proud!

I've been searching for advice on teen girls behaviour and I came across this post!

Thought it would be interesting if any of you are still members to give a long term view over a decade later on how you eventually got through it. Might give me hope 😢
@anastasiaviolet
@gypsyMoth

@Eliza72

I've been searching for advice on teen girls behaviour and I came across this post!

Thought it would be interesting if any of you are still members to give a long term view over a decade later on how you eventually got through it. Might give me hope 😢
@anastasiaviolet
@gypsyMoth

Maybe but as the child in question is now 22, did this really need resurrecting?

No one has mentioned attachment issues yet so I'm going to. And say I think the ex p is significant. Not because she's like him but because of the damage his violent presence in her life and subsequent exit may have caused. Hidden attachment issues can manifest themselves during puberty.
Worth a chat to school to see if they can get help in if it is attachment.
It's the pushing sister down the stairs that I find hugely significant more than the teenage strops. All behaviour is communication - what is she telling you?

Some of it needs working on but the eye rolls, smirks etc are things I would focus on ignoring. I've seen 'How to Talk to Teenagers so they will Listen' recommended by someone I respect.