to feel that 12 year old DD is ruining our lives

[anastasiaviolet]

..Please don't flame me for saying this, we love her dearly, but she is truly horrible at the moment.

We try so hard to be patient with her but from the moment she wakes up she is rude and unpleasant. Literally from the moment you call her to wake her up - you get "oKAAAY!" then she comes in the room with the most aggressive, sullen look on her face and if her 10 year old sister even dares to look at her she goes "WHAAATT?", if we speak to her she is rude, the car journey into school is a nightmare as she picks a fight over something whether it's the radio or she's been told she can't have something. It goes on like that all day, I pick her up from school and she will ask if we're going straight home, if I say yes she sighs and complains there's nothing to eat, then why don't we ever do anything good (we do), what's for dinner, there's nothing nice to eat (there is), she needs a new bag/shoes/PE top. Just on and on and on. DS is at nursery and we often have to leave her in the car as if she comes in to nursery to pick him up she is loudly rude to 10 year old DD and has pushed her down the nursery stairs in view of the other staff.

She asks for something new every week, is unbelievably greedy, and never satisfied. She begged us for a new phone for Xmas and is already bored of it. She is already writing a birthday list (birthday is in August). Things we've bought her for other Xmases and birthdays lie broken or abandoned. We are definitely guilty of spoiling her but that is now at an end as we see what it's done to her.

I am terrified to be honest and in tears writing this. What happened to the sweet, lovey toddler I had? She is not DH's biological daughter - her biological father was a violent abusive man who we have no contact with. I am so scared she is just like him, it seems like in a way he is living in our house through her as although she has only seen him a couple of times as a baby she acts just like him at times. I am afraid she is just a horrible person. She is poisoning the atmosphere in our house, all DS and DD hear is her shouting and rudeness.

She is even in trouble at school now, she was so good at primary school but is now coming home with punishment exercises, I feel like she is totally beyond our control.

I try to be calm and patient with her, I try to spend time with her, I don't know what to do, she is unspeakable to live with at the moment and she's only 12!!!

AIBU to feel truly desperate?

Does she ride? Honestly, horses are a saviour for teenagers.

^I am so scared she is just like him, it seems like in a way he is living in our house through her as although she has only seen him a couple of times as a baby she acts just like him at times. I am afraid she is just a horrible person.*

Sorry, but bollocks. This is hormonal. It’s downright unpleasant. Soul-destroying. But it is what it is with some girls (not all). We were also unlucky. We dreaded waking up in the morning just to face it all again for yet another day. That’s the honest truth. They seem to start and come out the other side if this vileness around 16yo I’ve found. You have a few years of torture and suffering yet unfortunately. You just have to get through it. You will come out the other side.

I dont agree with the pill for this reason. It is normal and its horrible but many of us go through it. My teens can be horrible.

Hopefully someone will come along who is an expert in the children of abused women; it’s probably quite a common issue. I think problems often rear their heads later in children who had difficult early starts (not your fault at all, but because of the abuse).

I was not abused at all at any time point. My DD was a mega-bitch from hell completely along the lines of OP’s post. Lasted approximately 4yrs while puberty raged within the body. Just because periods have started does not mean it’s all over red rover. It’s just the start I think until everything stabilises within the body and for some girls that means everyone is in for a ride from hell for some time.

Bah! Ten year old thread ! I never look at the thread dates. Hopefully OP’s daughter came out the other side smelling of roses by now !

I don't know whether I would actually be able to take my own advice but ...

I think you have to try to find a way to be less affected by her and her moods. So that she doesn't "ruin your lives". Easier said than done I know.

She is going to be a moody banshee for a while. You have to find some way of looking upon that as an "interested observer" rather than be sucked in and taking all her moody banshee feelings into yourself.

If you can keep an emotional distance you will be better able to think and be the calm, authoritative but not punitive parents she needs right now.

At the moment she is dealing with her bad feelings by evacuating them into the family and making everyone else feel just a bad as she does. With help, she needs to start learning how to have ownership of her own bad mood and to manage it herself, more.

It's a long project (I'm still working on that myself!)

But there is a difference between getting totally wound up yourself and screaming at her and sending her to her room (not that I blame you for a second!) and being able to say "DD, you seem to be feeling very very frustrated and irritated today and I think you are very much wanting me to know about that."

Once she is better able to know what emotional state she is in she might be in a position where she can think more about it without having to dump it on everyone else around her.

I think it should be taught at school, alongside phonics - emotional literacy!

"What emotions are around at the moment, and who do they belong to?" Surprisingly tricky question to answer especially as a lot of the time we are trying to get rid of all our emotions to someone else rather than own them.

I think it should be taught at school, alongside phonics - emotional literacy!

And date reading

Basic literacy might be a start for some posters

@PapaSierra

Just an observation, but christ there are threads like these in the stepparenting boards and they get their arses handed to them. Glad to see you are getting more support OP.

Yep. Glad someone noticed. 😂

@anastasiaviolet that sounds hard. Try not to view her through the naughty lens, but instead the struggling lens. It sounds like she experienced trauma with her Dad, even if it wasn’t directed at her it impacts deeply. Go see your GP and ask for a referral to a trauma informed Children’s counsellor. Read the book Beyond Consequences Logic and Control, while it’s aimed at adoptive families in some ways, it addresses this stuff. Also Dr Bruce Perry and Dr Dan Hughes have really good info on the developing brain and the need for therapeutic parenting. She’s stuck in the response/illogical part of the brain where she’s lashing out. Hormones play a big roll too. She’s going to need different types of parenting to address this in a way that meets her where she is, is predictable and addresses emerging emotional needs. It can get better!

@Bumpsadaisie is right, you are going to need to make sure your not becoming emotionally dysregulated by her behaviour as she won’t be able to navigate that and it will be much worse.

Look up therapeutic parenting. Many good tips out there.

Hello folks - we're going to lock this thread now. Mainly because the child in question is now 22.